Mildly Naughty
The nun in the girl's catholic high school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "In moments of temptation," said the speaker to the class, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?" A sweet young thing in the back of the room raised her hand to ask: "How do you make it last an hour?"

This girl walks in on her mom and dad doing it in their room, she's on top bouncing up and down, the little girl says "mommy what are you doing" , mom says..."I am bouncing on top of daddy to help him lose his weight" the little girl says, "that's a waste of time because the neighbor lady comes here and blows him back up everyday"

A cowboy and his bride ask the hotel desk clerk for a room, telling him
they just got married that morning.  "Congratulations!" says the clerk.  Looking at the cowboy, he asks, "Would you like the bridal then?"  "Naw, thanks." says the cowboy. "I'll just hold her by the ears till she gets the hang of it."

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field
trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.
During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the
girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. As the teacher
assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her
he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting up the
little boys up by their armpits. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was
unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth,"
she said. "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the
lift anyhow."

As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren't too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest  night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch. Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife's bedroom door. "KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!"
 Husband: "Guess who?"
 Wife: "I know who it is!"
 Husband: "Guess what I want?"
 Wife: "I know what you want!"
 Husband: "Guess what I'm knockin' with?"

One day a little boy walked into the bathroom just as his mother was getting  out of the shower....What's that asked the little boy pointing to his  mothers privates.....that's my "SPONGE" said his mother.....your sponge said  the little boy....what's it doing there? That's where i keep it said his  mother...
The next day the little boy came home all excited....Mommy, Mommy, guess  what...the lady next door keeps her sponge in the same place as you....How  do you know that son...said his mother.......CAUSE DADDY IS OVER THERE   WASHING HIS FACE WITH IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a young man in the Air Force who was so well-endowed that it was bothering his knee. Three Air Force  doctors and one Air Force nurse were in the operating room to  remedy the situation. The first doctor said, "We'll just take a  big hunk off the end." They discussed it and decided that would affect his sensitivity.  The second doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk out of the middle of it." They discussed this, and decided it would change  the texture and feel of it.  The third doctor said, "We'll just take a big hunk off the base of  it." They discussed this, too, and agreed that it might give him  erection problems.
The doctors heard a sniffling, and looked over at the nurse who  had tears running down her cheeks. The nurse cried, "Can't we  just make his legs longer?"

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" "Why?"
"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere."

*autoeroticism - does this mean that if the bra on the front of your sports car comes loose the car is indecent -
* "naked as a jaybird" - how's that possible when a jaybird has feathers - so we can't be
as naked as one - we ain't got no feathers (good english huh!)
* three words you never, ever want
to hear when you are in bed having a realllllll good time --- "honey I'm home!" 

This woman in West Virginia went to buy some potatoes at the country market and the guy hands her these Huge potatoes, she can hardly hold them, she looks at the lady next to her and says 'These here remind me of my husbands balls
'The other woman says'WOW they're that big?'
She says 'No they're that dirty'

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an account with the bank. She said that first, though, she would like to meet the President of Chase Manhattan Bank. Due to the amount of money involved, the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an appointment for the woman. The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money. "Was it an inheritance?" he asked. "No," she answered. "Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied. He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars. "I bet," she stated. "As in horses?" he asked. "No," she replied. "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square." The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on her bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day he was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no chances as there was $25,000 at stake. When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure everything was okay. There was no difference in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as he always had. He went to work and waited for the woman to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing? At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was that much money involved. "Well," she asked, "what about our bet?""I don't know how to tell you this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer!" The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see herself. The bank president thought this was a reasonable request considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers. She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him. Sure enough, everything was fine. His balls were not square. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What's wrong with him?" he inquired. "Oh, him," she answered. I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

 Mr. Smith got himself a new secretary.  She was young, sweet and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly open.  When leaving the room she said, "Mr. Smith, your barracks door is open." He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down
and saw that his zipper was open.  He decided to have some fun with his secretary. Calling her in he asked, "By the way, Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you notice a soldier standing at attention?" The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no, sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

"Jane" was becoming frustrated with her husband's insistence that they have sex in the dark.  Hoping to free her husband from his inhibitions, during a passionate evening, she flipped on the lamp--only to discover a cucumber in his hand. “Is THIS what you've been using on me for the past 10 years!?!" "Honey! Let me explain!" "Why you sneaky bastard!" she screamed."You impotent SOB!!" "Speaking of sneaky!" he interrupted, "Maybe you'd care to explain our 2 kids!!!"
Who is Jack Schitt? The Lineage Revealed

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the
fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, owner of Knee-deep Schitt. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt; the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt; Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, and Bull Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr.Sherlock. Because her children were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt maried Loda Schitt, and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens Brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are known as Dawg, Byrd, and Horse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct him.

  Two naked statues, a man and a woman, had been standing looking at each other, in a park, for a hundred years. An angel came to visit them and said that since they had stood there so patiently through all the summers and winters, they would be rewarded by half an hour of human life to do what they had been wanting to do most. So the two statues came to life, looked at each other, and laughed a bit and said "Shall we?" and "Yes let's" and they slipped off behind some bushes and there was a lot of rustling. After a quarter of an hour, they came out from behind the bushes all hot and flustered and happy. The angel said they had only used half their time and why didn't they start all over again. So the statues giggled a bit and the man statue said to the woman statue, "OK, Let's do it again, only this time we'll do it the other way around. I'll hold down the pigeon and you crap on it.