On the Job
NAME: Greg B DESIRED
POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If
I was in a
position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz
style severance
package, If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT:My incredible collection of stolen pens and
post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It was lousy.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 pm., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to
a more
intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I hadone, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING
UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would
be "Do you
have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may
already be a winner of the Publishers ClearinghouseSweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in Bimini with
a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since
sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR
KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.
SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for
being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a
passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo ~ During the final
days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was
canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk.
He
slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this
flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry
sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these
folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The
passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without
hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address
microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice
bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the
gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his
identity, please come to the gate." With the folks behind him in line
laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted
his
teeth and swore "#@&$ you!". Without flinching, she smiled and
said,
"I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too." The
man retreated as the people in line continued laughing at him.