'Puter
Humor
(includes
office humor)
We are currently building a data center that will contain all firm data
that is Year 2000 compliant. The program is referred to as the "Millennia
Year Application Software System" (MYASS).
Next Monday at 9:00 there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS
to everyone. We will continue to hold demonstrations throughout the month
so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS.
As for the status of the implementation of the program, I have not
addressed the networking aspects so currently only one person at a time
can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands.
Several people are using the program already and have come to depend
on it. Just this morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not
surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. I've noticed that
some of the less technical personnel are somewhat afraid of MYASS.
Just last week, when asked to enter some information into the program,
I had a secretary say to me "I'm a little nervous, I've never put anything
in MYASS before." I volunteered to help her through her first time and
when we were through she admitted that it was
relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it
again. She went so far as to say that after using SAP and Oracle, she was
ready to kiss MYASS.
I know there are concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon
initial installation, but I am pleased to say the virus has been eliminated
and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will
be required prior to entering MYASS.
We planned this database to encompass all information associated with
the business. So as you begin using the program, feel free to put
anything you want into MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time
when it will be commonplace to walk by an office and see a manager hand
a paper to an employee and say "Here, stick this in MYASS."
This program has already demonstrated great benefit to the company
during recent OSHA and EPA audits. After requesting certain historical
data the agency representatives were amazed at how quickly we provided
the information. When asked how the numbers could be retrieved so rapidly
our Environmental Manager proudly stated "Simple, I just pulled them out
of MYASS."
A great new software announcement!!! This memo is to announce
the development of a new software system.
Safe Fax FAQ
Q: Do I have to be married to have safe fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people
who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and had to
write
memos to each other until they were twenty one. How old do you think
someone should be before they fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax.
Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must
pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q: Should a cover always be used for faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should
be used to insure safe faxing.
Q: What happens when I incorrectly do the procedure and I fax prematurely?
A: Don't panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven't faxed
in a long time. Just start over (most people don't mind if you try again).
Q: I have a personal and a business fax. Can transmissions become mixed
up?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover
with each one, you won't transmit anything you're not supposed to.
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared
the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
$25 cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon." In response to Bill's comments,
General Motors issued a press release stating, "If GM had developed technology
like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this,
restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause
your car to shut down and
refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95"
or CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a care that was powered by the sun, reliable,
five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five
percent of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be
repalced by a single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you
out and refuse to let you in
until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and
grabbed the antenna.
11. GM would requre all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of
Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither
need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately
cause the car's performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would
become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, care buyers would have to
learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate
in the same manner as the old car.
13. You'd press the "start" button to shut off the engine.
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the West Virginia
edition of Windows 98 may have accidentally been shipped outside West Virginia.
If you have one of the West Virginia editions you may need some help understanding
the commands.
The West virginia edition may be recognized by looking
at the opening screen. It reads WINDERS 98 with a background picture of
General Lee superinposed on a Confederate flag. It is shipped with a Daisy
Duke screen saver.
Also note:
The recycle Bin is labeled Outhouse
My Computer is called This Infernal Contraption
Dialup Networking is called Good Ol' Boys
Control Panel is known as the Dern Dashboard
Hard Drive is referred to as Four Wheel Drive
Floppies are them little ole plastic disc thangs.
And instead of an error message, you get a winder covered with a garbage
bag and duct tape.
Other Features:
OK=ats aww-right
cancel=hail no
reset=awa shoot
yes= shore
no=naaaa
find=hunt fer it
go to=over yonder
help=hep me out here
stop=tern it off
start=crank it up
settomgs=sittins
programs=stuff at does stuff
documents=stuff I done
Also note that Winders 98 does not recognize capital letters or punturation
marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to WINDERS 98:
tiperiter=word processor
colering book=graphics program
addin mershine=calculator
scratch paper=notepad
jupe-box=CD player
inner net=microsoft explorer
pichers=a graphics viewer
IRS=M/S accounting software
IRS2=M/S accounting software with hidden files
coon dog=American Kennel Club records
fishin=Bass Anglers Sportsman Society records
NRA=National Rifle Association
shot gun=Remington arms price list
riffel=Winchester price list
pisstel=Smith and Wesson price list
truck=Ford and Chevroletdealers in Kentucky by zip code
house=nearest mobile home repair service by zip code
car=same as truck
cuzzins=family history(usually a 3 meg file)
tax records=usually and empty
fiseshells=ammunition inventory (another 3 meg file)
bud=list of Budweiser sellers by zip code
racin=NASCAR racing schedule includes a list of tv stations that carry
the races
car n truck parts=nearest junk yard by zip code
doc=vetrinarians by zip code
We regret any inconvenience it may have caused if you received a copy
of the West Virginia
edition. You may return it to Microsoft for a replacement version.
A lab aide noticed a woman sitting in front of one of the workstations
with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen. After
about 15 minutes, he noticed that she was still there, only now she was
impatiently tapping her foot. He asked if she needed help and she replied,
"It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over 20 minutes ago!"
CUST: Where can I get a BIOS upgrade for by 286 computer?
TECH: The unit should have been shipped with the latest bios.
CUST: Well I upgraded the processor myself, and my computer won't work.
TECH: What did you upgrade the processor to?
CUST: I upgraded it to a 486DX-50.
TECH: Sir, the 286 chip is soldered on the motherboard!
CUST: I know, I took out my handy soldering iron and took it out and
put the 486 on myself.
TECH: Sir, the 486 is bigger than the 286.
CUST: I know, I had to use quite a bit of solder to solder the extra
pins together.
Why is it that customers, and I mean a lot of them, don't understand
why you need a modem to get on the internet?
Cust: Do you really need a modem?
Tech: Yes, you do.
Cust: Do you really, really need one?
Tech: Yes, I am afraid that you do.
Cust: WELL, THAT'S DUMB! (hangs up)
Cust: You canceled my account yesterday. Was that the reason my C:\
crashed?
Tech: No, your hard drive would not crash because of your account being
canceled.
Cust: Are you sure?
Tech: Yes.
Cust: Ok...I knew that.
Tech: "Okay, sir, what is her e-mail address?"
Man: "I'm trying to send e-mail to my daughter and she's not receiving
it."
Man: "I don't know... she doesn't even have a computer...can't I send
it to her post office?"
Cust: Well, I just want to know if I load this disk into my computer,
won't other people be able to get into my computer and access everything
I have in there?
Tech: No, that's not possible.
Cust: You see it on the TV all the time.
Cust: Do I need a monitor? I have everything else.
Tech: Yes, ma'am.
Cust: Why? That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard of.
New Virus List, Just Released...
Woody Allen Virus - bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter
card.
Tonya Harding Virus - turns your BAT files into lethal weapons.
Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus - instantly turns 1K of disk space into
1 Meg.
Paul Revere Virus - warns of an impending virus infection: 1
if by LAN 2 if by C:\
Ollie North Virus - plays a patriotic.WAV while it shreds your files.
Joey Buttafuaco Virus - only attacks minor files.
Michael Jackson Virus - preys on child processes.
Ronald Reagan Virus - saves your data, but forgets where it's stored.
Jane Fonda Virus - attacks your hard drive's FAT.
Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB
then slowly expands to 300MB.
AT&T Virus - Every three minutes it tells you what great service
you are getting.
MCI Virus - Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too
much for the AT&T virus.
Politically Correct Virus - Never calls itself a virus, but instead
refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism.
Ross Perot Virus - Activates every component of your system just before
the whole darn thing quits!
Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates and stays resident.
It'll be back.
Government Economist Virus - Nothing works, but all your diagnostic
software says everything is
fine.
Federal Bureaurocrat Virus - Divides your hard drive into hundreds
of units each of which does
practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important
part of your computer.
Adam and Eve Virus - Takes a couple of bytes out of your Appled computer.
Airline Virus - You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
Freudian Virus -Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard.
Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive.
PBS Virus - Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.
Jimmy Hoffa Virus
Your programs can never be found again.
LAPD Virus
It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC
and erases them in "self-defense".
O.J. Virus
It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your
files and vows to find the virus that did it.
An ambitious yuppie finally decided to take a vacation. He bookedhimself
on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of hislife ...at
least for awhile. A hurricane came unexpectedly.
The ship went down and was lost instantly. The man found himself swept
up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing.
Only bananas and coconuts.Used to 4-star hotels, this guy had no idea what
to do. So for the next 4 months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice, longed
for his old life, and fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue
ship.
One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the
cornerof his eye. It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman
he had ever seen. She rowed up to him. In disbelief, he asked her: "Where
did you come from? How did you get here?"
"I rowed from the other side of the island," she said, "I landed
here when my cruise ship sank.” "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know anyone
else had survived. How many of you are there? You were really lucky
to have a rowboat wash up with you."
"It's only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't wash up, nothing
did."
He was confused, "Then how did you get the rowboat?"
"Oh, simple." replied the woman, "I made the rowboat out of raw material
that I found on the island. The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches,
I wove the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and stern came
from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But - but, that's impossible," stuttered the man, "you had no tools
or
hardware. How did you manage?" "Oh, that was no problem,"
replied
the woman, "on the south side of the island there is a very unusual
strata of alluvial rocon. I used that for tools, and used the tools to
make the hardware. But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you
live?"
Sheepishly he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the
whole time. "Well, let's row over to my place, then," she said. After
a few minutes of rowing, she docked the boat at a small
wharf. As the man looked onto shore he nearly fell out of the boat.
Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in
blue and white. While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven
hemp rope,the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck. As they walked into
the house, she said casually, "It's not much, but I call it home.Sit down
please; would you like to have a drink?"
"No, no thank you" he said, still dazed.; "I can't take any more coconut
juice."
"It's not coconut juice," the woman replied. "I have a still. How about
a Pina Colada?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepted, and they
sat down on her couch to talk. After they had exchanged their stories,
the woman announced, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable.
Would you like to take a shower and shave?There is a razor upstairs in
the cabinet in the bathroom."
No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet, was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells
honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end inside of a swivel
mechanism. "This woman is amazing," he mused, "what next?"When he returned,
she greeted him wearing nothing but vines -strategically positioned - and
smelling faintly of gardenias. She beckoned for him to sit down next to
her. "Tell me," she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, "we've
been out here for a very long time.You've been lonely. There's something
I'm sure you really feel like doing right now, something you've been longing
for all these
months? You know... "She stared into his eyes.
He couldn't believe what he was hearing: "You mean . . . ?", he replied,
"I can check my e-mail from here?"
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