11/11/01

so, here we go. i'll begin by introducing myself. if you followed the link from my writing site you know my as Black Wednesday. so this may be a bit of a shock, since (surprise!) that's not my real name. hah! fooled you. anyway, you may also know me as jill whitney, the writer of the sex essay i have on my site, if you've read it. she'll be writing more soon. i have a few half-written poems of hers, as well as another essay (also half finished) and 2 short stories (again, incomplete.) pathetic, i know. i should really spend more time on jill's life, less on my own.
speaking of my life, i'm feeling a need to vent about it all, which is why i'm writing here. if you have advice on the following (assuming there's actually someone reading this) by all means, email me and tell me what to do. the main reason i'm writing about my mildly twisted life is that i have no friends who wouldn't get worried about me if i told them what was going on, and i don't like to worry my friends.
so, here's the main deal. i've been dating this girl (well, living with her) for almost 5 years now. isabelle. the problem is that she's really a control freak. i mean, she keeps me from eating anything she either doesn't like or should eat (she has stomach problems.) sounds pretty minor, i know. maybe i'll think of better examples. um, she's also ultra jealous. like, of everything: my friends, family, co-workers, everyone i spend any time with -- according to her, i should spend any free time with her (free time being any time i'm not sleeping. she gets pissed off if i have to work on her days off. this is a bit of a problem, because i'm a grad student, so i work lots of hours, and she works in a call centre, so her days off are strange, and hard for me to take off too.) so that's the basic deal.
anyway, so i broke up with her in the summer, and got back together with her thinking that if she really loves me, she'll change. i mean, i'm not perfect either, of course. i don't really feel like getting into that, but no one is. but regardless, i couldn't live with her the way she was, so i expected things to change. only they haven't really, and i love her too much to break her heart again. so i'm at this status quo: can't live with her, don't want to hurt her. also, i'm starting to feel pretty freaked about spending the rest of my life alone. as i said, i'm a grad student, in biochemistry, and i've been noticing that alot of the female biochem profs are single. scary thought. difficult for profs to find long-term relationships.
BUT the most complicated part about it all is that i've developped major feelings for a boy. a student i work with. he's totally uninterested, which is too bad, because it would make my decision so much easier. but it's gotten to the point where i feel wrong when i'm with her, almost like i'm cheating on him. obviously, i have to get over him and figure out what i want to do about her as 2 separate issues. but i feel all mushy and sentimental, and i think about him CONSTANTLY. sad, really.
well, that's about it for my issues. i'll fill you in on specifics at some point in the future.