I wrote the following to someone who had experienced a series of losses over the past year. He was a young male who could not understand why he could stoically bear the death of several close relatives, yet found himself crying over the death of a cousin he hardly knew.
I edited the message a bit to remove specific references that would not make sense unless you knew the person in question.
I Didn't Cry.
When I was 13, my second oldest sister died unexpectedly. She had been in a hospital getting treatment for "flashbacks". She hadn't been on drugs for many years, but had been under a lot of stress. They put her in a room on the 8th floor. The windows could be opened from the inside and required no key. We don't know if she was hallucinating or if it was a suicide.
I didn't cry.When I was 17, my dog died.
I didn't cry.When I was 22, my grandmother died.
I didn't cry.When I was 30, my dad died after a battle with cancer.
I didn't cry.When I was 39, my wife left me with no explanation after only 2 months of marriage.
I didn't cry.A few weeks later, I was watching "Real TV" and they showed firemen rescuing a puppy from a storm drain.
I cried.I was so out of practice it sounded like maniacal laughter, but I cried.
Here in the western world, at least, we males are encouraged to "take it like a man". We are not allowed to express "weak" emotions, unless, like Job, we have lost everything. Then it's okay to shed a tear or two, but let's not overdo it, okay?
Oddly, it's easier to suppress grief and loss when it's someone near to us. We are in denial, to a degree. We know what's happened, but if we don't cry, it's as if it isn't "official". It doesn't become "real" if we don't cry, so we can bear it.
Depending on how much stress you've had it doesn't take much to crack the facade, and then out comes the grief. If you've suppressed your grief for years (as in my case) you find yourself crying not only for the event that triggered the crying spell, but also all the other events that were never properly grieved.
If you find yourself grieving, don't worry that you're weak, crazy or "weird". Grief is a normal emotion, and you are expressing it normally if you cry. Once you uncork the bottle, there's a lot to pour out, even some things you may have forgotten. Go ahead and pour out your grief. You'll be stronger for it.
It took you a long time to stress-out to that level. Don't worry that it takes more than a few days to work through the "emotional swamp". The other side is there. Just remember: drain off your "grief bottle" whenever you find it filling up. Don't wait until you're full to the brim and exploding with stress to let it out. Humor helps, in small frequent doses, especially if you use it to examine your current situation.
Hang in there.
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