March 28, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
MILLION NERD MARCH!
Angry geeks plan Washington rally June 5
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Stolen body parts' Hollywood connection:
Nicole Kidman, Pamela
Anderson, UCLA patients
[courtesy the Globe]
The truth at last!
Vampire bit Marilyn Monroe
Jap submarine sank Titanic
[courtesy Weekly World News]
PRISON GANG TARGETS MARTHA
[courtesy National Enquirer]
Strange cats found on Mars
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kimberly Dawn Stacy, 38, a reporter who was fired by the
Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer in 1999 for making up stor-
ies of fighting off cancer (and lied to her employer that she
had AIDS), has died from complications of diabetes.
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from D.C.:
Bob Edwards was fired by National Public Radio.
[discourtesy NPR]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Albanians drove Serbs from their homes in Kosovo. . . .
Donald
Trump filed an application to trademark the phrase
"You're
fired."
. . . A woman was arrested for trying to pass
a fake $1 million
bill
at a Wal-Mart in Georgia. . . . A British
Columbia man cut off
his
penis and testicles and ran through
the streets naked and
bleeding,
yelling "Repent, fornicators!"
. . . President Bush, at a
radio and
TV newscasters' dinner,
joked about not finding weapons of mass
destruction. . . . A
French attorney has been retained to
defend
Saddam Hus-
sein. . . . Saddam was said to be enjoying his
interrogations.
[
items 1-4, 7 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
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March 14, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
301 lbs!
Kirstie explodes
[courtesy the Globe]
Cher gives up men
[courtesy National Enquirer –
and we didn't even
realize she was
"into" men in the first place! – Ed.]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
An 8-year-old Louisville boy was charged with a felony
for throwing a temper tantrum in the second grade and
hitting and kicking his teacher (no, she was not injured).
[courtesy Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Borf's weekly BONUS:
Iraqis demanded to know the whereabouts and conditions
of
more than 10,000 men and boys detained by American
forces.
. . . China accused the United States of human rights
violations.
. . . Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez called U.S.
President
Bush an asshole. . . . French investigators speculated
that a
new
group making terrorist threats has anarchist or left-
wing or
right-wing tendencies. . . . Nigeria was looking for
ways to
"decongest"
its death row. . . . Pfizer announced that
Viagra doesn't
work
on women.
[
courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Hugo Chávez and
George W. Bush (and we are hoping that they will both appear at
the same meeting – we are working on a debate question. Any
ideas?).
TABLOID HEADLINES may be late or not at all next week:
The
editor is going on VACATION.
March 7, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:
World's greatest prophets and seers reveal
DAYS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE FOREVER:
March 30: Ricin terror hits 20 cities
April 14: Angels save U.S. troops in Iraq
May 1: Bill Gates rescues Social Security
July 27: Bible plant cures heart disease
September 1: Low carb diet scandal explodes
November 2: Election crisis rocks America
[courtesy
the Sun]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
in re last Sunday's Leap Birthday Supplement –
Bruce Mitchell wrote Mon 01 Mar 2004 @10:01:13 PST:
Dennis Farina is only 15? Does he have Methuselah
disease?
[Well, last Sunday was his 15th "birthday." We think he is
about 60
years old, but – how can you tell?
– Ed.]
Allende! wrote Mon 01 Mar 2004 10:45:16 CST:
Birthday celebrations were very tame. Only Jimmy
Dorsey was
old enough to drink, and he would have
had to drag along a colon
hydrotherapist . . . .
Dumb news from Indiana:
A legislative resolution to return the state
to the Central time zone was
withdrawn.
[courtesy Indianapolis Star]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Charges were dismissed against British linguist
KatharineGun, who leaked a U.S. National
Security memo asking
the British to spy on United Nations diplomats. . . . Clare
Short, who resigned from the Blair cabinet over Iraq, said
she had seen transcripts of UN Seretary General Kofi An-
nan's conversations. . . . Hans Blix' conversations in Iraq
were intercepted, and former chief UN weapons inspector
Richard Butler said he had to meet his contacts in Central
Park because his telephone was bugged. . . . Britain's law
enforcement minister called for an expansion of surveillance
. . . The United States denied forcing President Jean-Ber-
trand Aristide to leave Haiti. . . . The judge in the Kobe
Bryant rape case ordered the prosecution to turn over the
accuser's underpants. . . . The Smith & Wesson board
chairman resigned after it was revealed he was a convicted
bank robber. . . . The Utah legislature voted to abolish the
firing squad. . . . Gypsies rioted in Slovakia.
[
items 1-4, 7-9 courtesy Harper's
Weekly]
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Katharine Gun!
(she's a hottie).
