October 31, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines (all from the Weekly
World News again, for the second straight week):
18 NURSES PREGNANT AFTER
REST HOME VIAGRA PARTY
BUSH OUTSOURCES CONGRESS TO INDIA
THE 10 WEIRDEST PEOPLE ALIVE TODAY!
Brenna Maskowitz
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 24 Oct 2004 @17:35 PDT
re last week's "Muscle-bound Martha" photograph:
Aw, hell, anybody can see that's Martha's head
pasted on Arnold's body.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kentuckians are voting by mail and internet and at state parks and
rest stops on a "brand" for the state, among the following choices:
* Kentucky: Unbridled sprit
* Kentucky: Limitless
* Kentucky: Where legends are born
* Kentucky: Make history
* Kentucky: Make whiskey
* Kentucky: Got teeth?
* Kentucky: The Edyoucayshun State
* Kentucky: Five million people, only 15 last names
* Kentucky: One big happy family!
* Kentucky: Highest incest rate south of Indiana
[Nah, we're just kidding on those last six entries. But the first
four are real. – Ed. – courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Dumb news from Brazil (and, no, not Brazil, Indiana -- Brazil, BRAZIL):
Brasilia -- A Brazilian legislator introduced a bill to make it illegal
to give pets names common to people. He said psychologists have
found that some children get depressed when they learn they share
a first name with someone's pet.
[courtesy Associated Press]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Two doctors and two EMT's in Poland were charged with killing pa-
tients for kickbacks from funeral homes. . . . Children of older fathers
were found more likely to go crazy. . . .The 9th Circuit U.S. Court of
Appeals ruled that whales do not have standing to sue the President.
. . . Three descendants of Fletcher Christian were among six men con-
victed of child rape on Pitcairn Island. Island women testified in their
defense that it was a custom necessary to maintain the island's popula-
tion, presently 47. . . . Representatives had a food fight on the floor of
the Taiwan legislature. . . . AWisconsin man who dipped a live wire in
his wife's bath and said he hoped her near-death experience might save
his marriage was charged with attempted murder. . . . Thieves in Mem-
phis were nabbed when they returned to the scene of their crime to si-
lence a parrot they had heard repeating one of their names. . . . A Rott-
weiler in Richland, Wash., dialed 911 when her owner fell from a wheel
chair and couldn't get up, then opened the door to let in the police. . . .
Osama bin Laden made a rare TV appearance in an effort to invigorate
President Bush's re-election campaign.
Spammer of the week:
"Blanche Gipson" sent us an e-mail titled "ask Noreen what should we do?"
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Lanny Sinkin (the
attorney for the whales) and Brenna Maskowitz.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
October 24, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – special this week – all from the October 25
issue of Weekly World News:
BONNIE & WIDE!
World's fattest bank robbers steal to
support $1,200-a-day junk food habit
Alien caught in hot tub
with Teresa and Laura
[you have to see the photo – run to Ralph's – it's on the front page]
MUSCLE-BOUND MARTHA
Domestic diva has pumped up
to survive life in the slammer!
Author of 'Nonexistence of Man' VAPORIZES
PRESIDENT FINISHING GUARD DUTY
All those 'vacations' not vacations!
DONALD RUMSFELD SLEEPS WITH GI JOE DOLL
MONICA THONG FOUND
IN CLINTON'S ARTERY
Man gets pig heart, wakes up & oinks!
GIANT SINKHOLE EXPECTED
TO SUCK UP SOUTH DAKOTA
World's 'hottest lesbian'
can turn any woman gay
OLYMPIC SHOCKER!
Judges admit they can't tell who's best
'LAST SUPPER' DISCOVERED
TO BE PAINT-BY-NUMBERS!
Experts speculate that Da Vinci was color-blind
Dumb news from Kentucky:
U.S. Senator Jim Bunning of Kentucky told reporters, in re-
sponse to a question, that he had not heard of the refusal by
17 Army reserves (including one from Louisville) to go on a
fuel convoy in Iraq (the members of the 343rd Quartermast-
er Company complained of failing equipment and lack of an
armed escort).
"Let me tell you something," said Bunning, a candidate for re-
election: "I don't watch the national news, and I don't read the
paper. . . . I watch Fox News to get my information." (Fox
News carried the story, as did other media. Bunning's Senate
assignments include the Committee on Veterans' Affairs, and
his web site has a link to an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" FAQ
page.)
[courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
An Oklahoma candidate for the United States Senate spoke of
"rampant" lesbianism in the schools. . . . An Australian
doctor
said one of his patients had a sleep disorder that caused her to
sneak out of her house at night and have sex with strangers. .
. .
A quadriplegic was checking e-mail and playing computer games
with a microchip embedded in his brain. . . . A Dutch
princess
notified her husband in a newspaper ad that she wanted a divorce.. . . Mary Poppins and Dick Tracy registered to vote in
Defiance,
Ohio. . . . Doc Holliday got a new tombstone. . . .
TV-B-Gone,
a keychain remote that will turn off a television set in any
café, bar
or waiting room, was selling like hotcakes. . . . Police in
Boston
killed a 21-year-old journalism student with pepper spray as
she
celebrated the Red Sox' victory over theYankees.
[items 1-4, 6 courtesy
Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
Shaunda Doreen sent us an e-mail titled "U
are Stupid Dumbass If U
Pay Retail Price For Softwares somewhere
private."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Bonnie, Wide, Te-
resa, Laura, Martha, Rummy and Bunny.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"
- Karen Crockett
October 17, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
Adam and Eve found
Preserved in Iraqi desert
[courtesy Weekly World News]
ARTHRITIS CURE FOUND
[courtesy National Enquirer]
Virgin Mary cured my arthritis
[courtesy the Sun]
Alien hits on Condi Rice
[courtesy Weekly World News]
How to tell if your governor is GAY
[courtesy Weekly World News]
Dumb news from Texas:
Democrats opposing the re-election of Republican congressman
Pete Sessions, who wrote a column condemning the display of
Janet Jackson's breast at the Super Bowl, disseminated newspa-
per clippings and photos from 1974 showing Sessions and other
Southwest Texas State University students streaking.
[courtesy Associated Press]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Two teen-age soldiers (one male, one female) were arrested
for
fucking at the Alamo. . . . A woman was arrested, handcuffed
and
jailed for eating a candy bar in the subway inWashington, D.C.
. . .
The Bush campaign denied rumors that the President wore a wired
earpiece to receive help during the first debate. . . . Republicans in
Michigan sought prosecution of Michael Moore for offering
clean
underwear to college students who promised to vote. . . .
Republi-
cans in Oklahoma ran TV ads showing dark-skinned hands accep-
ting welfare checks. . . . Chicago had a night without a
murder for
the first time in in five years. . . . Justice Antonin Scalia
said "sexual
orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged." .
. . A
Wal-Mart was going up next to the ancient ruins of Teotihuacan
in
Mexico. . . . Saddam Hussein had hernia surgery.
Spammer of the week:
"mitsuko pierce" sent us an e-mail titled
"If I'm considering bankruptcy
can your program still help, Yes
. . . "
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future will include Antonin Scalia,
Condoleezza Rice and Pete Sessions.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
October 10, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
'DIG UP JONBENET!'
Forensic experts demand new autopsy
[courtesy the Globe]
500 lb model has 40 lb baby
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
Dumb news from Colorado:
The judge presiding over KATELYN FABER's civil lawsuit a-
gainst Kobe Bryant has ruled that the woman claiming to have
been raped by him cannot remain anonymous. Major newspa-
pers reported this ruling without mentioning the plaintiff's
name,
which is KATELYN FABER.
[courtesy New York Times, Louisville Courier-Jourmal,
other major metropolitan dailies, and -- the Globe]
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
A Baptist minister who bit a Texas policeman after a traffic
stop
was ordered to enroll in an "anger managment" program. . . . A
high school student in Oregon offered a teacher money to report
him present while he made drug runs to California and
Arizona.
. . . A portable house used to teach children how to escape from
burning homes clipped a power line and set another house on fire
in Arkansas. . . . Elton John accused Madonna of lip-synching
a
live performance. . . . Little Millie Small turned 58. . . .
Dale Earn-
hardt Jr. was demoted from his No. 1 NASCAR rating for saying
"shit" in a TV interview. . . . Rockets hit the Baghdad
Sheraton,
and a bomb was found at a popular restaurant in the "Green
Zone."
Spammer of the week:
"Manila Hemp" sent
us an
e-mail titled "A great resource I just discovered."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Millie Small, Dale
Earnhardt Jr., and Elton John.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" -- Karen Crockett
October 3, 2004: Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket – this week's headlines:
KOBE ACCUSER IS PREGNANT
[courtesy the Globe -- her NAME,
remember, is KATELYN FABER]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Prosecutor & wife indicted
as hosts at teen beer party
[courtesy
Associated Press]
REAL CATWOMAN FOUND IN OZARKS
[courtesy Weekly World
News]
HUBBLE PHOTO SHOWS
ALIEN WITH PANTS DOWN
[courtesy Weekly World News]
LETTERS to the EDITOR!
Leonard Zanger wrote Mon 27 Sep 2004
@07:39:31 EDT
re Tabloid Headlines' "unsubscribe" instructions:
I note with amusement that my employer's idiot robot e-mail
censor excludes references to genitalia but allows
gratuitous
use of the F Word (this leads me to speculate that said
robot
was programmed by either a Jewish or Catholic mother).
FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 28 Sep 2004 @10:45:16 PDT:
A slow day for headlines, but the important thing is
that
you are the only publisher who prints my letters!
[Read our nameplate: We actively seek out trash. – Ed.
Bob Hill wrote Mon 27 Sep 2004@ 06:27:25 EDT:
I'd love to make your Post Sabbath Gathering some
day – in colder weather. Columnists allowed in?
Borf's Weekly BONUS:
Israel seized 80,000 cans of dog food that had been labeled foie
gras. . . .
The BBC canceled its "Popetown" cartoon, which had corrupt
bishops and
showed His Holiness jumping around the Vatican on a pogo stick.
. . . A
falling crucifix killed a woman in Italy. . . . Jimmy
Swaggart said he would
kill any gay who "looks at me like that." . . . A Kentucky
school bus driver
was suspended for giving a lift to a hunter with a shotgun (as
she wheeled
the kiddies to school). . . . The USAPATRIOT act was ruled
unconstitu-
tional. . . . David Koresh's 1968 Camaro was sold at auction
for $37,500.
. . . Another major league baseball player was suspended
for assaulting fans.
. . . Tom Ridge, Donald Rumsfeld and Jenna Bush are portrayed
in a "Porn
for Kerry DVD" (other
"characters" include Lynndie England, Ann Coulter
and Al Franken). . . . Camera cell phones were banned in Saudi
Arabia.
[items 1-4, 7
courtesy Harper's Weekly]
Spammer of the week:
"Sophia Sherwood" sent us
an e-mail titled "Breaking News: Osama
Bin Laden Captured"
(it
was an ad for "cheap meds").
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include the rabble-rousing,
filth-mongering, sensationalist 6'5" gossip columnist for the Louis-
ville Courier-Journal, Bob Hill.
GIFT IDEA:
Send a Tabloid Headlines subscription to someone as a gift!
It's free! Just click your "Reply" button and "cc" the e-mail to the
recipient (don't use "bcc").
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above – without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines – or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" -- Karen Crockett
