• Saturn will be Jenbarb
• Jupiter will be Cheney
• Earth will be Dubya                [etc.]
  

Renée Rich, a new subscriber, wrote Mon 19 Sept 2005
@15:46:38 CDT:
                                That’s Funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 18 Sep 2005 @18:35:33 PDT
re last week's item "A woman urinating in a graveyard in Brus-
sels was crushed to death by a falling tombstone":

What was it the cashier said?  I can hardly believe some
of this stuff.

André Agassi  wrote Sun 18 Sept 2005 @20:39:55 EDT  re
speakers lined up for the Weekly World News Round Table:

I give up -- who's Mirka Vavrinec?

You don't know?  -- Ed.

A man stopped for speeding in Wabash threw dog biscuits out the
window of his car to distract a drug-sniffing canine (it didn't work).

State wildlife officials raided an exotic animal facility in  Flat  Rock
where they said dozens of tigers, leopards and bears were living in
abysmal conditions.
                                         [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The Bowling Green police department asked the City Council for an
ordinance to require all gasoline customers to pay before pumping --
to relieve the police of the burden of chasing "drive-offs"  (the meas-
ure passed on first reading).

                         [courtesy Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News]

Cameron Crowe's new film Elizabethtown (which was shot in Ver-
sailles, Ky., not in Elizabethtown, Ky.)  premiered  in Elizabethtown,
with a director's "cut" 2 hours and 20 minutes long.

                                                            [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"I speak in complete sentences. That's considered un-American."                                                                                                                                                                              -- Gore Vidal

An  Alaskan  zoo  installed a 20-foot treadmill for an over-
weight elephant.  . . .  Massachusetts Governor Mitt Rom-
ney suggested wiretapping mosques.  . . .  President  Bush
wrote a note to Condoleezza Rice at a UN meeting saying,
"I think I MAY NEED A BATHroom break?" . . . A Chi-
nese rubber company introduced  condoms  brand-named
Clinton and Lewinsky.  .  .  .  A Jack Russell terrier named
Toby was registered to vote in New Zealand. . . . A South
Carolina deputy sheriff fired  for  bigamy  was turned in by
his bride's husband  (she,  too,  was still married when they
tied the knot).

Richard Babboni sent us an e-mail titled "Resume of Richard Babboni."

Who was the most important American ever?

• Bob Dylan
• Elvis
• Eugene McCarthy
• Bruce Springsteen
• Malcolm X
• Sitting Bull
  

[To vote, click your "Reply" button; eliminate all text but your
 choice, and send.  Type-ins allowed but not welcome.]

Fosterdme@aol.com wrote Weds 14 Sep 2005 @20:45:13 EDT:

I have to take exception to the assertion that several Indiana
counties' choice as to time zone constitutes dumb news.

Eleven more counties -- Benton, Dubois, Fountain, Knox, Lawrence,
Perry, Pike, Pulaski, St. Joseph, Starke, and White -- joined the exo-
dus from the Eastern time zone.  That's 29  altogether,  so far.  All are
western counties except St. Joseph, Marshall, and Fulton,  which con-
stitute  a column of north central counties  descending  from  Michigan
(which is in the  Eastern  time  zone.  South Bend is the seat of St. Jo-
seph County).

Two of the more populous western counties in Indiana -- Tippecanoe
(Lafayette)  and Vigo (Terre Haute)  --  remain on Eastern time,  sur-
rounded by rural counties that have switched to Central time.

To  complicate  matters  further,  some Eastern zone counties observe
"daylight saving" time  and  some do not;  but all counties on or opting
for Central time observe "daylight saving" time or will.

When Indiana gets its act together or a majority of the state's 92 coun-
ties go Central,  we will change the heading to "Smart  news from Indi-
ana."  When they all go Central, except Dearborn, Ohio, and Switzer-
land (which are suburbs of Cincinnati),  and  forsake  "daylight  saving"
time,  we will change the heading to "Good news from Indiana."  (Note
that we allow no exception for Clark  and Floyd  counties,  suburbs  of
Louisville,  or for Harrison County, which thinks it is a suburb of Louis-
ville.    Louisville is in the Eastern time zone but should be in the Central.
That's dumb news from Kentucky.)  -- Ed.
        
                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A poll by the Louisville Courier-Journal indicates that 50 per cent of Ken-
tuckians approve of President Bush's handling  of  the  Hurricane  Katrina
disaster.

A 13-month-old survivor of Hurricane Katrina from Louisiana was found
dead of "positional asphyxiation" on her air mattress in Louisville.

                                                                    [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Senator Jeff Sessions (R-Ala.), at the Justice Roberts confirmation hearing:

This  may  be a good moment to remind my colleagues on the other side
of the aisle that in this country unelected judges don't write the laws. We
have unelected lobbyists to do that.  Under our system judges merely in-
terpret the law and decide presidential elections.

An ice cream truck  whistling  "Dixie"  catered  to  Palestinians
celebrating the Israeli exodus from Gaza.  .  .  .   A couple de-
nied that they had abused 11 foster children found in  cages  in
their Ohio home.  .  .  . A pet python slipped away in a park in
Tokyo when its owner dozed off.  . . .  A Mississippi physician
who lost his home in Hurricane Katrina was arrested for yelling
"Go fuck yourself, Mr. Cheney" at the Vice President.  . . .  E-
vacuees headed for Charleston, South Carolina, were landed in
Charleston, West Virginia. . . .  Doctors in New Orleans admit-
ted euthanizing critically ill patients.  . . .  A woman urinating in a
graveyard in Brussels was  crushed  to  death  by a falling tomb-
stone. . . . A woman in India was freed from an outhouse where
she had been confined for 25 years.  . . .  The 5-week-old baby
born to a brain-dead woman in Virginia (whose plug was pulled
after childbirth) died.

claim@londonlottery.net  sent  us  an  e-mail  titled
"AWARD NOTIFICATION / FINAL NOTICE."

Denise Noe wrote (reprinted from last week):

Do you believe tabloid readers take their stories  seriously?
Or is it more likely they are read in the spirit of "Mad" mag-
azine and similar humor publications?

Bruce Mitchell wrote:

Was it H. L. Mencken that said nobody ever went broke
underestimating the intelligence of the masses?

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 4 Sep 2005 14:46:51 PDT:

I tend to agree with [the humor hypothesis]. . . . In fact, the
editor [of Tabloid Headlines?]  appears to be in that demo-
graphic.     But there are probably a few nut cases out there
who take them seriously.  Perhaps you could conduct a few
discreet impromptu interviews with other readers  while you
are waiting at the checkout stand.

In fact we did just that.  We asked the checkout girls, too.  One of
them  said,  "Isn't that a fascinating newspaper?   I can just hardly
believe some of the things I read in there!"  ("Hardly"!)

"Do you believe everything you read in the Bible?" we asked her.

"Oh, yes!" she gasped.  "Of course!"

Q.E.D.  -- Ed.     [More on this mindset below.]

Four more western counties -- Carroll, Cass, Sullivan and Vermillion --
opted for the Central time zone.

                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

In response to a posting on "The SOULution Online"  suggesting that looters
in New Orleans should  be  shot,  a University of Louisville student posted a
message suggesting that "every cop, national guard and politician who gets in
your way, INCLUDING GEORGE W. BUSH" should be shot.  He's under
investigation by the Secret Service, of course.  (By the way, he's black.)

                                                                        [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"The [New Orleans] flooding had been anticipated by the National Geographic,
Scientific American, the Times-Picayune, FEMA, and Mr. Bill."

                                                                   -- Paul Ford, in Harper's Weekly

"To paraphrase Mr. Rumsfeld, we have no choice but to fight the war with the
  President we have."
                                                         -- Frank Rich, in the New York Times

Cuba, Iran, Mexico, and Venezuela offered disaster aid to the
United  States.  .  .  .  The Florida Marlins' baseball team's bat
boy was  suspended  for  vomiting  outside the clubhouse after
drinking a gallon of milk in less than  an  hour.  .  .  .  A man in
Bellingham, Wash.,  confessed to murdering two paroled child
molesters whose names and addresses he found on a sex offen-
der registry on the internet. . . . Colin Powell told Barbara Wal-
ters he felt  "terrible"  about his 2003 speech to the United Na-
tions.  .  .  . Patsy Jones, an obscure French tennis player, used
a 12-day injury time-out  to win a semifinal match in the Elboni-
an Open. . . .  Mary Pierce' newly discovered "faith" was not e-
nough to win the women's title in the U.S. open.   .  .  .  Lleyton
Hewitt  grunted  and  squawked  his way to defeat  in the men's
semifinals.  . . .  A restaurant in  northeast  China  advertising an
illegal  tiger  meat  dish  was found instead to be serving donkey
marinated in tiger urine.

                 [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal, CBS]

Dear Annie:

    I am 67,  in very poor health,  and the holder of a closely guarded
family secret that I thought I would  take  to  my  grave.   My  father
and my older sister, "Thelma," had an incestuous relationship starting
when Thelma was 13.  When she was a sophomore in college, Thel-
ma became pregnant.  She immediately threw herself at a fellow stu-
dent, "George,"  who was shy and unpopular.  He was bowled over
by the attention of this pretty girl, and before he knew what was hap-
pening, they were married.

    George was besotted and easily deceived.  He believed their son,
"Rich,"  was his,  and continued to believe that until he passed away,
several years ago.  Meanwhile Thelma and my father continued their
relationship unabated until he died.  My  mother  was aware of what
was going on but chose to ignore it.  She died angry and bitter.

    Thelma never told Rich  of  his  parentage.   She did, however, dis-
courage any serious relationship with a girl.   At  age  31  Rich  finally
found his soul mate in "Ruth" but didn't marry her because Thelma did
everything in her power to keep them apart.

    Six months ago Thelma died.   Two months later Rich and Ruth mar-
ried.   Yesterday Rich phoned to tell me that he and Ruth are expecting.
He is ecstatic, especially since they are both in their early 40's.

    I know Thelma didn't want Rick to have children for  fear  of  genetic
consequences.   Tell me, Annie, is the child in danger of being born with
mental or physical abnormalities?   I  truly  don't  want to tell Rich about
his origins, but I also don't want to subject our family's future generations
to possible genetic problems.  Please tell me I can die peacefully with my
lips still sealed.
                                                                             -- Pandora in Canada

[Kathy  and  Marcy  recommended  an  amniocentesis.  They  didn't  say
  whether for Ruth or for Pandora.  We recommend a lobotomy. -- Ed.]

Denise Noe wrote Tue 30 Aug 2005 @08:47:53 EDT:

Do you believe tabloid readers take their stories  seriously?
Or is it more likely they are read in the spirit of "Mad" mag-
azine and similar humor publications?

[We have our own ideas on this,  but we'd rather hear from other
  Tabloid readers.  Drop us a  line!  -- Ed.]

The following message was printed on red plastic trash guards installed
in 600 urinals at Indiana University:   "You hold in your hand the power
to stop sexual assault."
                                                       [courtesy Indiana Daily Student]

I.U. ranked first in beer consumption in a survey of U.S. colleges and u-
niversities.   Wisconsin,  following Providence,  ranked third,  but main-
tained its No.1 rank as "party school"  (I.U. was sixth)  and  outranked
I.U. in liquor consumption  (No.3 to No.15).   Hampshire  College  (in
Amherst, Mass.),  the University of Vermont,  Bard, Oberlin and Pitzer
led  in  marijuana  consumption  (in that order. Wisconsin ranked No.7.
I.U. was not in the top 20).
                                                              [courtesy Princeton Review]

Governor Ernie took the Fifth Amendment^* in his appearance before
a grand jury investigating political interference with merit system jobs,
and  pardoned  not only all nine state officials indicted so far  but also
offenders not yet indicted.
                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

* The stupid son-of-a-bitch did not even have the presence of poltical mind to
    claim "executive privilege."

The University of Kentucky ranked No.12 in the "dorms like dungeons"
category.
                                                              [courtesy Princeton Review]

Senators Lugar of Indiana and Obama of Illinois were arrested
at a Siberian airport.  .  .  .  An ostrich got loose on the Golden
Gate Bridge. . . . Nude web chat was all the rage in China. . . .
The ruby slippers worn by Judy Garland in  The Wizard of Oz
were stolen from a museum. . . . Wildlife officials in the state of
Washington took a duck  named  Gooey  from a woman who'd
raised it in diapers,  but public outrage forced them to return the
duck to her. . . . An Ohio post office employee "went postal" by
pissing in the office coffee.  .  .  . A continuing Brooklyn hip-hop
party called "Kill Whitey"  admitted anyone carrying a bucket of
fried chicken  (most attenders were white). . . . A 4-foot python
bit a 12-year-old boy in his bed in Fresno, Calif.  . . .  President
Bush and Cindy Sheehan left Texsas. . . . Asst. FDA Comr. Su-
san Wood resigned  over the delay in approving the "morning af-
ter" pill. . . .Arab League Sec-Gen. Amr Moussa called the draft
Iraqi constituton "a recipe for chaos."  . . .  Brigitte Bardot asked
shark fishermen to stop using live puppies and kittens for bait.

????????????? sent us an e-mail titled "????".