1. I am the one God of all faiths.  Thou shalt stop bickering about it.
2. Thou shalt not make thee a graven image upon toast or other comestibles.
3. Thou shalt speak and frolic with thy offspring and not place them before colored boxes of gaming.
. . .

• SO CHEAP he saves half-cans of soda
• WEARS LIFTS in his shoes . . .

TedF wrote Sun 22 Jan 2006 @09:54:26 CST re
"Myrtle Sweet's" e-mail titled "longlasting erectpions":

Those are erections that pee.

The state legislature is in session.

The state legislature is in session.

A Swede who ate his foster sisters was charged with murder.
. . .  Al Sharpton complained that Hillary Clinton was stealing
his material  when she said the House of Representatives was
run like a plantation.  .  .  .  Michael Jackson was spotted at a
mall in Bahrain wearing a veil and an abaya.  .  .  . The ACLU
won a male student the right to wear a skirt to his high school
in New Jersey  (he was protesting the school's no shorts poli-
cy).  .  .  . Thailand's Scorpion Queen will wed the Centipede
King  in a coffin at a haunted house on Valentine's Day.  .  .  .
Randal McCoy Jr. woke up (Ariel Sharon continues to slum-
ber).
                      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

We received e-mail from "Catnaps H. Judea."

W. A. Mozart	250
Benjamin Franklin	300

Lena Dunham wrote Sun 15 Jan 2006 @20:04:45 EST in re the missing
Kentucky boy found in Mexico with his 26-year-old female math teacher:

Whenever I hear stories such as this . . .  I understand what the
14-year-old boy sees in his 26-year-old math teacher,  but  not
vice versa.  I didn't even like 14-year-old boys when I was 14.

The federal government allowed eight Indiana counties to switch from
Eastern  to Central time  but denied requests by nine other counties to
switch  (this is really dumb news;  follow the links).

A lawyer in Waco, Texas, was arrested for kidnapping her cli-
ent from his wedding reception  in an attempt to collect money
he owed her on a bail bond. . . . A 2-year-old was summoned
for jury duty in New Bedford, Massachusetts. . . . A mechanic
was sucked into a jet engine of a Boeing 737 about to take off
from El Paso (he did not survive). . . . Michael Jackson applied
for a job as an entertainment consultant in Bahrain.  .  .  .Walter
Cronkite called on the U.S. to withdraw from Iraq.  .  .  . Jona-
than Sharkey, who claims to be a vampire,  announced his can-
didacy for governor of Minnesota and promised  to  personally
impale murderers and child molesters  if  elected.  .  .  .  A male
Cleveland Browns fan who ran onto the field to protest a victo-
ry by the Pittsburgh Steelers was sentenced by a  female  judge
not to watch the Super Bowl (as if he now cares) and not to at-
tend any Browns games for the  next  five  years  (as  if  anyone
cares). . . . A Greenville, South Carolina, woman who admitted
stealing to pay restitution for embezzlements she had committed
was sentenced to 12 years in prison.  .  .  .  The French woman
who received a face transplant resumed smoking.

                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

"Randal Self" sent us an e-mail titled "Randal."
"Aubrey Ricahrds" sent us an e-mail titled "Aubrey."
"Lourdes Knight" sent us an e-mail titled "Lourdes."
"Burl Sullivan" sent us an e-mail titled "Burl."
"Emery Alvarez" sent us an e-mail titled "Emery."

All on the same day!  We received e-mail also one day
from  "Sweet Ollie"  and  "Myrtle Sweet."  Ollie's  was
untitled, but Myrtle's was titled "longlasting erectpions."

An 11-year-old LaPorte County boy whose head was run over by a
pickup truck was complaining of headaches.

Governor Ernie, in his State of the Commonwealth address (Common-
wealth of the State address?),  called for the teaching of  "intelligent de-
sign" in Kentucky schools  and  said  "it's not a matter of religion;  it's a
matter of self-evident truth."
                                                                [courtesy WKYU-FM, AP]

A missing 14-year-old Monroe County boy was found in Mexico  with
his 26-year-old math teacher,  Angela  Comer. . . .

PETA called for the removal of a bust of Colonel Sanders from the state
capitol.
                                                                  [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"You can't have a corrupt lobbyist unless you have a corrupt Congressman."

                                        -- former House Speaker Newt Gingrich

Employees at Micky's Packing Plant in Great Falls, Montana,
voted 10 to 1 to spare the life of  Molly  B.  (dubbed "Super-
cow" by our correspondent Bruce Mitchell),  the  heifer  who
escaped briefly last week. . . . A mouse pitched into a pile of
burning leaves in Fort Sumner, New Mexico,  escaped to the
house of the 81-year-old man who had thrown it,  setting  the
house on fire and destroying it.  . . .  An airline passenger was
arrested in San Jose, California, for having the words "suicide
bomber"  in his journal  (it was the name of a band or a song).
. . . Street vendors in Shanghai were secretly replacing mutton
with cat meat.  . . .  Cincinnati police found the body of a wo-
man who had died two years before propped in front of a TV
set constantly on  as her family lived downstairs  (she had told
them that she did not want to be buried,  that she was "coming
back"). . . . An Australian was stabbed with scissors by his girl
friend for playing  Elvis  Presley's  recording of "Burning Love"
over and over on the King's birthday last Sunday. . . . A judge
in Phoenix ruled that a fetus did not qualify a woman to use the
"HOV" lane.

Randaljvm@sirius.com sent us an e-mail titled "Do you smell gas?"

"Eben Valiquette" sent us an e-mail titled "not Bird duplicity."

"Marva" sent us an e-mail titled "they'll drive you loco NEW."

"Sherry" sent us an e-mail titled "check it out now NEW."

"Zachery" sent us two e-mails titled "you'll be amazed NEW."

"Josef" sent us an e-mail titled "watch them have fun NEW."

Bruce Mitchell wrote Thurs 5 Jan 2006 @20:10:03 PST:

Bigfeets.

People's role in relationship to their pets  has been redefined in the
Bloomington city code from "owner" to "owner/guardian."   Karen
Smith, guardian of a gerbil named Josh, led the effort to amend the
law. . . .

State Rep. Woody Burton of Greenwood introduced a bill,  for the
second year in a row, to print "In God We Trust" on Indiana license
plates. . . .

WTWO in Terre Haute is one of  two NBC affiliates refusing to air
"The Book of Daniel,"  a  new TV series  about an Episcopal priest
who abuses painkillers  and  has  a gay son,  a promiscuous straight
son,  a daughter who deals in marijuana,  and an alcoholic wife  (the
other station is KARK, in Little Rock, Arkansas). . . .

The state Environmental Management Department has  proposed  a
ban on wood stoves.

                    

A 5-acre fire at a landfill forced schools to close in Ashland.

A cat in Columbus,  Ohio,  dialed  911  to summon help for his
owner, who had fallen out of a wheelchair  (who was the "guar-
dian" in this case?).  . . .  A 12-year-old boy got a 13-year-old
girl pregnant in Utah and both were declared sex offenders. . . .
A New York woman kept her dead husband in a suitcase  until
neighbors complained of the smell:   "She wanted to take him to
Arizona to be buried," explained a detective. . . . A study found
Antonin Scalia 19 times as funny as Ruth Bader Ginsburg.  .  .  .
A Tulsa pastor who has spoken out against homosexuality  as  a
Southern Baptist executive  was  arrested  in Oklahoma City for
propositioning a plainclothesman.  . . .  A judge ruled that moon-
ing is not a crime in Maryland. . . .  Pat Robertson characterized
Ariel Sharon's cerebral hemorrhage as divine punishment for "di-
viding God's land."  . . .  A customer in Rifle, Colorado, found a
condom in a filbert purchased  at  Wal-Mart,  and  Police  Chief
Daryl Meisner said no crime had been committed. . . .  A cow e-
scaped from a slaughterhouse in Great Falls, Montana; dodged a
Chevrolet Suburban and a semitrailer  while crossing streets;  ran
across a railroad track in front of an  oncoming  locomotive,  and
swam the icy Missouri River before being recaptured.

• Aries:  Contest $$$!
• Taurus:  Mystery money!
• Gemini:  Free groceries!
• Cancer:  Vacation prize!
• Leo:  Big lotto bucks!
• Virgo:  Miracle windfall!
• Libra:  Free cash!
• Scorpio:  Job offer!
• Sagittarius:  Scratch-off win!
• Capricorn:  Buck$ galore!
• Aquarius:  $$$ in mail!
• Pisces:  Jackpot!
  

Bruce Mitchell wrote Weds 28 Dec 2005 @16:50:30 PST:

The snow penis sounded cool  –  but was bested by a guy
in my neighborhood who put on his front lawn a couple of
those stupid fucking lighted Xmas deers in mating position.

And what's so dumb about  "individuals"  including species
other than dumb fucking humen beans?

You got chiropractor, horse and Indiana all in one item. What more
do you need for dumb?  -- Ed.

Two State Supreme Court justices disqualified themselves from hearing a
case involving the Governor.    The State Constitution provides that if two
or more justices disqualify themselves,  the Governor shall appoint special
justices to sit in their place.   And  Governor  Ernie  said he would do that.
Duh! . . .
                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

It appears now that the Missouri woman we reported last week
to have swallowed a cell phone  may have had it rammed down
her throat. . . .  Undercover police visited bicycle rallies in New
York, it was revealed.  . . .  The FIB spied on Greenpeace and
PETA. . . .  Colin Powell said there was  "nothing  wrong"  with
authorizing the  National  Spy  Agency  to eavesdrop on Ameri-
cans. . .  Augusto Pinochet was charged with embezzlement. . . .
Montgomery County, Maryland, bought Uncle Tom's cabin. . . .
Santa clutched his chest  and collapsed  before 750 schoolchild-
ren in Hubbard, Ohio. . . .  Lynndie England was spattered with
molten chicken grease in the kitchen of a naval brig near San Di-
ego. . . . Three Bigfoots (Bigfeet?) were sighted in southern Mal-
aysia.
                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]