• NO respect
• NO sex
• NO crown                                        [courtesy the Globe]
  

Fosterdme@aol.com wrote Mon 20 Mar 2006 @21:28:11 EST:

Hey! Is the editor sacrificing journalistic integrity and impartiality
in order to mess with our minds?  I refer to "Dumb News."  The
latest Kentucky and Indiana picks appeared to be too closely re-
lated (as in "How ironic!") to me.  As you know, I have a vested
interest in at least the dumb news from Indiana offering and would
like it to be truly dumb as opposed to it being a cute selection tying
in to a related piece.  I hope you have not sunk to just trying to sell
newspapers.  I also hope I shall not have to demand a refund on my
subscription.  Thank you for your consideration.

Is the writer suggesting that hillbillies and Hoosiers cannot be dumb
simultaneously,  or even in synchronicity?   Is he unaware that most
Hoosiers are merely emigrant Kentuckians who managed to excape
from Cincinnati?  --  Ed.

None this week.  In observance of Mr. Foster's plea, we have found
nothing in Indiana even to approach – let alone compete with – the
dumb news below. -- Ed.

State Rep. Ted "Teddy" Edmonds (D - Breathitt County) introduced a bill to
make clogging the "official dance of Kentucky."   It passed 93 to 1, of course.
It  has  not been reported who cast the dissenting vote,  but State Rep. Kathy
Stein (D-Lexington) had offered an amendment to substitute the watusi.

When state senators said they needed a demonstration of why clogging should
be the official state dance, Rep. Teddy hopped onto a table and clogged.

                                                           [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A tolerance soccer game was being organized in the Nether-
lands pitting a gay team against a Muslim team (gay Muslims
would be allowed to join either team). . . . Miss Deaf Texas
was killed by a train. . . . A Chicagoan cut off his own penis
and threw it at police. . . .  British Prime Minister Tony Blair
was accused of selling seats in the House of Lords.  .  .  .  A
commuter to Washington, D.C., left his baby daughter in the
back seat of his car at a Metrorail station in Maryland.  .  .  .
The prosecutor suggested an insanity defense for the Afghan
on trial for his life for converting to Christianity.

                     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

We received,  all in the same day,  e-mail
from  "blhfvmph"  titled  "blhfvmph,"  from
"qaehhwfjpxh" titled "qaehhwfjpxh,"  from
"unwhoppl"  titled  "unwhoppl,"  and  from
"vdonuvvggu"  titled  "vdonuvvggu."\

Melyakura@aol.com wrote Sun 12 Mar 2006 @12:41:28 EST:

No meeting this week?  And I was going to try to make it this
time...... ;-)  Thanks for the weekly pick-me-up!

And thank you, for your interest and concern.   The Weekly World
News Round Table  meets  every  Sunday,  by the way  (right after
church).  The fact your Tabloid Headlines edition for a certain week
does not include the promotional announcement does not mean there
will be no Round Table! -- Ed.

"Choose Life" license plates will be available later this year.

The remains of two fetuses found in a storage unit  rented by a late Indiana U-
niversity women's basketaball coach in Rome, Georgia, are believed to be the
results of his widow's self-abortions  (Jim Izard,  57,  who coached at Indiana
from 1989 to 2000,  shot himself to death February 28).

"Maybe Indiana can lease I-69 to Dubai."

-- Bob Hill, Louisville Courier-Journal

Scientists were investigating a family of retarded Kurds in Tur-
key who walk on all fours. . . .  Benjamin Moseley, one of the
students arrested for setting fire to churches  in Alabama,  was
planning to appear in a college theater  production  of  "Young
Zombies in Love." .  .  .  A sociology professor at Suffolk Uni-
versity  in Boston,  unaware  that  his computer was connected
to a display behind him,  was  suspended  for browsing internet
porn sites while teaching a class.  .  .  . Two British pre-schools
had children singing "Baa, baa, rainbow sheep."  . . .  Hundreds
of thousands of people marched in Chicago to  protest  anti-im-
migration legislation in Congress. . . . A Norwegian woman op-
ened a kitchen faucet to find beer flowing:  Two stories down in
the same building beer taps at the Big Tower Bar were spewing
forth water.  .  .  .  A 4-year-old boy whose throat was slit while
riding on his father's motorcycle was one of seven persons killed
by reinforced kite strings in a festival in Pakistan.  .  .  . A retired
French soldier was convicted of drugging his children's tennis op-
ponents  by spiking their water bottles,  killing one of them  (and,
now, the sports!). . . .  A study concluded that 50 per cent of the
products returned to Dutch stores for malfunction  actually  work
but are too complicated to use.

Darcy Stewart wrote Tues 07 Mar 2006 @09:27:58 EST
re the German cat that died of bird flu:

. . . Nature's . . . revenge . . . .

As regards the Indiana Toll Road,  at least the Spanish
and Australian terrorists won't hurt anybody when they
blow it up.  No one uses it . . . .

Patrick Mortensen wrote to the editor of Harper's Weekly:

I hope the Sudanese man and the goat stay together
for the kids.

Patty wrote Tues 7 Mar 2006 21:10:31 CST:

SORRY I MISSED THE MEETING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A judicial candidate in Louisville sued to get two rivals off the ballot because
they filed for the "10th Division" instead of the "Tenth Division." . . .

A  Wolfe  County  man  who saved two persons' lives by pulling them from a
flipped and burning SUV was arrested for driving on a suspended license. . . .

The Sisters of St. Walburg Monastery in Villa Hills,  former  champions,  have
challenged the Boone County Librarians,  reigning  champions,  in  the  annual
Corporate Spelling Bee.
                                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

French soup activists chanted  "We are all pig eaters!"  as they
served pork soup to indigent Muslims and Jews. . . .  Musician
Gary Glitter,  found  guilty  of  abusing preteen girls in Vietnam,
was ordered to pay the victims' families  five  million  dong. . . .
British astronomer Gerry Gilmore predicted  that ground-based
telescopes would be useless within 40 years  because of climate
change and jet contrails:  "You either give up your cheap trips to
Majorca," he said, "or you give up astronomy."  . . .  High temp-
eratures blamed on global warming forced Alaska's Iditarod dog
sled race 30 miles north. . . . Termites survived the flood in New
Orleans. . . .  An Iowa school bus driver made a 6-year-old boy
get off and walk six miles home after he missed his stop. . . . The
American Medical Association warned girls  not  to  go  wild  on
spring break.

• Twin Peaks in Sound of Music
• King Kongs (beats her mighty chest)
• Sandra Double-D
• Tit-anic
  

Darcy Stewart wrote Weds 01 Mar 2006 @14:02:14 EST re the dumb
news about leasing the Indiana Toll Road to Spaniards and Australians:

What?  Does the Congress know about this outrageous threat to
our national security?  Turning over one of our key transportation
resources to foreigners should be against the law!!

Renée Rich <Brenda.R.Rich@usps.gov> wrote Sun 26 Feb 2006 @07:38:57 CST:

Out of Office AutoReply: [ **SPAM** Score: 8.9 ] Tabloid Headlines.

The entire 8th grade in Chesterton was penalized for the cleanup cost
of a massive food fight by a $1,000 assessment against its extracurric-
ular fund.   School Supt. Dirk Baer said the whole class was punished
because many of the grade's 500 students knew  of plans for the food
fight but did not alert administrators (perhaps 50 students were involv-
ed in the fracas, which left mashed potatoes sticking to the ceiling).

The Barren County Attorney sent a one-question survey  to
all Kentucky legislators  and  legislative  candidates:   "Have
you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?" . . .

Only  one  state  senator  voted against a bill to restore a Ten
Commandments monument to the Capitol grounds. . . .

A legislative committee approved a bill  to  prohibit  children's
riding in the backs of pickup trucks. . . .

Another  committee  approved a bill to require coal miners to
take drug tests. . . .

Residents of Butchertown,  a  Louisville  neighborhood,  were
complaining of the smell from a meat packing plant.

                                                  [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"We traded a horse for a rabbit."

-- Pat Buchanan, on the U.S. nuclear deal with India

A stillborn baby was sent to a laundry service  by a hospital in
Queens. . . .  Sudanese villagers forced a man to marry a goat
he was found having sex with  – and to pay the goat's owner a
dowry of 15,000 dinars.  .  .  .  A 12-year-old boy in a school
group visiting the Detroit Institute of Arts stuck a wad of chew-
ing gum on Helen Frankenthaler's "The Bay," an abstract paint-
ing from 1963 valued at $1.5 million. . . .  A cat died of bird flu
on a German island in the Baltic Sea.

"Merlin Helms" sent us four copies of "an e-mail of interest."

Patty8133@aol.com sent us 14 separate joke e-mails
in two hours on Mon Feb 27 2006 (6.7 MB total).