• Nasty fights
• Booze problems
• Laura urges counseling
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 23 May 2006 @08:51:32 PDT re the
item "Snoop Dogg was barred from the United Kingdom for life":

My God!  What happened?  Did he "dis" the Queen??

Jonathan Polacheck also wrote, Mon 22 May 2006 @10:17:03 CDT,
to call us to account for leaving out the "why" of the "five W's and H" in
our report on Snoop Dogg.   Snoop was barred  for  affray,  Mr. Pola-
check pointed out.  Tabloid Headlines regrets the journalistic faux pas.

A Gary high school boy who wore women's clothes to class all year was
turned away from his senior prom because he was wearing a dress. . . .

Motorists bought gasoline for 29 cents a gallon for 1-1/2 hours at a sta-
tion in Hammond until an employee noticed that the  decimal  point  had
been misplaced.
                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A Paducah high school science teacher and volleyball coach who had ap-
peared in adult films 11 years ago  was  suspended  after one of her films
began circulating among students and their parents.

[courtesy Courier-Journal (see also "Sex in School" headline above)]

"The left believes the white power structure that currently runs America
  is muy malo (very bad)."

                   -- Fox TV's Bill O'Reilly, in his newspaper column

Saudi King Abdullah asked newspapers to refrain from pub-
lishing pictures of women.  .  .  .   Fidel Castro denied having
$900 million. . . . Residents including the mayor protested the
opening of a Pink Taco restaurant in Scottsdale, Arizona. . . .
A Scottish scientist reported that  Nigerian  putty-nosed  male
monkeys  have  a  two-word  vocabulary  ("Hack hack pyow
hack hack").  . . .  A Lithuanian pulled over for driving a truck
down the middle of a two-lane highway blew 18 times the lim-
it for driving under the influence of alcohol. . . .  Dracula's cas-
tle, seized by the Communists 60 years ago,  was  returned  to
the van Hapsburgs by the Romanian government. . . . The Na-
mibian embassy in Washington  announced  that a visa to enter
that African country will require written consent from Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie. . . .  President Bush said he regretted telling
Iraqi insurgents to "bring it on."

"Antoinette Dixon" sent us an e-mail titled "base ginger ale."
"Sylvia Frost" sent us an e-mail titled "cactus epaulet."
And we received an e-mail from "King Isabelle."

Festivals you're missing if you're not in the Bluegrass State this weekend
include  the National Alpaca Show in Louisivlle,  Llama Daze in George-
town,  Bingo  for  Homeless  Animals  in Glasgow,  and  Dinner with the
Dearly Departed at the Elizabethtown Cemetery.

Festivals you're missing if you're not in the Hoosier State this weekend
include Springfest in downtown Grabill.

A man painting his house in North Carolina burned it down
when he snuffed his cigarette in a bowl of paint thinner. . . .
A fight broke out in the lobby of the Iraqi parliament  when
a cell phone played a Shiite ring. . . .  Officials in gas masks
entered a California residence to remove 98 guinea pigs, 84
cats, 27 dogs, 14 rabbits, 3 potbellied pigs and a bird. .  .  .
Snoop  Dogg  was barred from the United Kingdom for life.
. . . The Army recruited an autistic boy in Oregon. . . . Gas-
oline was selling for 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela, and Illi-
nois scientists were making crude oil from pig manure. .  .  .
Pilgrims  traveled to Mombasa  to see a tuna with a Koranic
verse inscribed in its scales.  .  .  .  Power was shut off to the
home of a woman in Flint, Michigan, who was a penny short
in paying off a $1,622.08 electricity bill.  . . .  Bell South and
Verizon denied contributing to the National Spy Agency tele-
phone call data base, and 63 per cent of the people said they
didn't care anyway.  .  .  .  An 80-year-old Iowa woman had
"DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest.

"Wilfred Pate" sent us an e-mail titled "horseback riding forgetfulness."

Edwin Kagin sent us these headlines from the year 2029!:

Ozone created by electric cars killing millions

White minority promotes English as Mexifornia's third language

Baby conceived naturally:  Scientists stumped!

Man & woman ask court to reinstate heterosexual marriage

Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years
before radioactivity decreases to safe levels in Iran

Castro dies at age 112:  Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking

George Z.  Bush announces candidacy for President in 2036

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89,
reduces mail delivery to sunny Wednesdays only

A 17-year-old boy in Chesterton was hospitalized with a broken leg
after asking a friend to hit him with a car "for fun."

                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A child-care instructor left an 18-month-old baby alone in a car for more than
15 minutes when she entered an off-track parlor  in  Louisville  to  bet  on  the
Kentucky Derby  (she was arrested and fired).
                                                                           [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"It was good for me . . . ."

-- O. J. Simpson, in a skit in which he sells his white
    Ford Bronco on his pay-TV program Juiced

A New Yorker's attempt to become the first black American
to row solo across the Atlantic Ocean  ended  when  his boat
sprang a leak just hours after leaving Africa.  .  .  . Iraqi police
shot a 14-year-old boy in the head for being a  gay  prostitute.
.  .  .  The Iranian Physical Education Organization banned ef-
feminate-looking athletes.  . . .  Analysts calculated that Presi-
dent Bush has claimed exemption from 750 laws. . . .The cost
of the World Trade Center Memorial soared past 26 per cent
of the cost of the World Trade Center. . . .Crown Prince Hen-
rik, honorary president of the Danish Dachshund Club, said he
enjoys eating dogs.  . . . A mother in Maine helped three teen-
age girls bake ExLax-laden cookies for their teacher, and two
Arkansas schoolboys spiked their teachers' tea with a laxative.
. . . A pet rock from 1975 sold on e-Bay for $17.50. . . . Au-
stralian artist  Tim  Patch  unveiled a portrait of Prime Minister
John Howard  that he said he had painted with his penis.  .  .  .
Kansas raised the minimum marriage age to 15.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

"Wilfrid Skinner" sent us an e-mail titled "astutely pelican."
"Susanna Shannon" sent us an e-mail titled "unilateral specific."
"August Patrick" sent us an e-mail titled "face-saving pandemonium."

Gerry Blue wrote Sun 30 Apr 2006 @15:59:42 PDT:

Nothing about Keith Richards falling out of a palm tree?  I'm shocked!

A man with two wooden legs  and  a deaf man,  bar-hopping  from  New Chicago
to Valparaiso, were arrested for alcohol offenses after brawling on the street.  The
paraplegic,  who was driving,  got angry at the deaf man for not giving clear direc-
tions, stopped the car, circled it on his walker,  and pulled the deaf man out of the
car. . . .
                                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

You heard the question asked in the Kentucky tourism commercial  on the NBC
telecast of yesterday's Kentucky Derby: "Did you know that Kentucky has more
shore line than Florida?"

Well, Governor Ernie, did you know that Florida has approximately 1,350 more
miles of coast line than Kentucky has?

Christopher Cross, 55
Mary Hopkin, 56
Engelbert Humperdinck, 70
Frankie Valli, 71
James Brown, 73
Pete Seeger, 87

An arson squad  blew  up  a  Los Angeles Times  vending  box
wired to play the "Mission: Impossible" theme song  to promote
Tom Cruise's new movie.  .  .  .  A 14-foot Australian crocodile
won a bout with a chain saw.  . . . 17-year-old boys were killed
by horses at a race in Mexico and at a rodeo in Colorado. .  .  .
The  Pentagon  ordered  700  automated  digital  bugles  to play
"Taps" at military funerals. . . .  A California scientist was teach-
ing grammar to starlings. . . . A 33-year-old man married a 104-
year-old woman in Malaysia (it was her 21st marriage). . . . Ser-
bian boys drove a steamroller into their school. . . .

"Peter Cabrera" sent us an e-mail titled "oven peremptory."

"Chris Mooney" sent us an e-mail titled "stereo lava."