May 27, 2006:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


BUSH MARRIAGE BREAKUP!
   Separate lives in the White House
                                                               [courtesy the Globe]


Armless man stopped for speeding

                                     [courtesy Houston Chronicle]


Koizumi refuses to name Iraq pullout date

                                                                         [courtesy Mainichi Daily News]


Oprah's stomach surgery disaster!
              Why she's packed on 57 lbs.
                   – and is still gaining

                                                              [courtesy National Enquirer]


SEX IN SCHOOL
        Women teachers who
         SEDUCE OUR KIDS!

    [courtesy the Globe -- the article features profiles and lusty photos
     of Mary Kay LeTourneau  (Wash.),  Debra Lafave (Fla.),  Pamela
     Rogers (Tenn.),  Sandra Geisel (N.Y.),  Carol Flanigan (Fla.), Sha-
     ron Linton Rutherford (Ala.),  and  Sarah Bench-Salorio (Calif.)
--
     BUY this issue -- you'll be glad you did!    See  also  "Dumb  News
     from  Kentucky,"  below
]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:

FGDean@aol.com wrote Tues 23 May 2006 @08:51:32 PDT re the
item "Snoop Dogg was barred from the United Kingdom for life":
My God!  What happened?  Did he "dis" the Queen??

Jonathan Polacheck also wrote, Mon 22 May 2006 @10:17:03 CDT,
to call us to account for leaving out the "why" of the "five W's and H" in
our report on Snoop Dogg.   Snoop was barred  for  affray,  Mr. Pola-
check pointed out.  Tabloid Headlines regrets the journalistic faux pas.

Dumb news from Indiana:
A Gary high school boy who wore women's clothes to class all year was
turned away from his senior prom because he was wearing a dress. . . .

Motorists bought gasoline for 29 cents a gallon
for 1-1/2 hours at a sta-
tion in Hammond until an employee noticed that the  decimal  point  had
been misplaced.
                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Paducah high school science teacher and volleyball coach who had ap-
peared in adult films 11 years ago  was  suspended  after one of her films
began circulating among students and their parents.

[courtesy Courier-Journal (see also "Sex in School" headline above)]

Quotation of the week:
"The left believes the white power structure that currently runs America
  is muy malo (very bad)."
                   -- Fox TV's Bill O'Reilly, in his newspaper column

Borf's weekly BONUS:
Saudi King Abdullah asked newspapers to refrain from pub-
lishing pictures of women.
  .  .  .   Fidel Castro denied having
$900 million. . . . Residents including the mayor protested the
opening of a Pink Taco restaurant in
Scottsdale, Arizona. . . .
A Scottish scientist reported that  Nigerian  putty-nosed  male
monkeys  have  a  two-word  vocabulary  ("
Hack hack pyow
hack hack
").  . . .  A Lithuanian pulled over for driving a truck
down the middle of a two-lane highway blew 18 times the lim-
it for driving under the influence of alcohol. . . .  Dracula's cas-
tle,
seized by the Communists 60 years ago,  was  returned  to
the van Hapsburgs by the Romanian government. . . . The Na-
mibian embassy in Washington  announced  that a visa to enter
that African country will require written consent from Brad Pitt
and Angelina Jolie. . . .  President Bush said he regretted telling
Iraqi insurgents to "bring it on."
                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammers of the week:
"Antoinette Dixon" sent us an e-mail titled "base ginger ale."
"Sylvia Frost" sent us an e-mail titled "cactus epaulet."
And we received an e-mail from "King Isabelle."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include King Abdullah,  Fi-
del Castro  and Bill O'Reilly.  But not all at once.  Castro first will
get one meeting all to himself.  His contract requires that we allow
him at least six hours for his speech.  Then we'll invite him back to
a meeting with Bill O'Reilly, whom we expect to tell Fidel to "Shut
up!"


Read the Courier-Journal's review of Bumppo's latest book


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 21, 2006:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Whitney diagnosed with
DEADLY BRAIN TUMOR


                        [courtesy National Enquirer]


Britney wants OUT!

                                         [courtesy US]


Dolly drug scandal

                        [courtesy National Enquirer]


Vanna plastic surgery disaster

                                                  [courtesy National Examiner]


Pit hamsters fiercer than pit bulls

                                              [courtesy Weekly World News]


Dumb news from Kentucky:
Festivals you're missing if you're not in the Bluegrass State this weekend
include  the National Alpaca Show in Louisivlle,  Llama Daze in George-
town,  Bingo  for  Homeless  Animals  in Glasgow,  and  Dinner with the
Dearly Departed at the Elizabethtown Cemetery.
                                                            [courtesy Kentucky Living magazine]

Dumb news from Indiana:
Festivals you're missing if you're not in the Hoosier State this weekend
include Springfest in downtown Grabill.
                                                           [courtesy www.indianafestivals.org]


Borf's weekly BONUS:
A man painting his house in North Carolina burned it down
when he snuffed his cigarette in a bowl of paint thinner. . . .
A fight broke out in the lobby of the Iraqi parliament  when
a cell phone played a Shiite ring. . . .  Officials in gas masks
entered a California residence to remove 98 guinea pigs, 84
cats, 27 dogs, 14 rabbits, 3 potbellied pigs and a bird. .  .  .
Snoop  Dogg  was barred from the United Kingdom for life.
. . . The Army recruited an autistic boy in Oregon. . . . Gas-
oline was selling for 12 cents a gallon in Venezuela, and Illi-
nois scientists were making crude oil from pig manure. .  .  .
Pilgrims  traveled to Mombasa  to see a tuna with a Koranic
verse inscribed in its scales.  .  .  .  Power was shut off to the
home of a woman in Flint, Michigan, who was a penny short
in paying off a $1,622.08 electricity bill.  . . .  Bell South and
Verizon denied contributing to the National Spy Agency tele-
phone call data base, and 63 per cent of the people said they
didn't care anyway.  .  .  .  An 80-year-old Iowa woman had
"DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest.
                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammer of the week:
"Wilfred Pate" sent us an e-mail titled "horseback riding forgetfulness."

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

    Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line,  "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

    But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above -- without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines -- or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 14, 2006:  Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


Charlie Sheen blamed
 for porn star's death


                                [courtesy the Globe]


Pancake house made of pancakes

                                                       [courtesy Weekly World News]



LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Edwin Kagin sent us these headlines from the year 2029!:

Ozone created by electric cars killing millions

White minority promotes English as Mexifornia's third language

Baby conceived naturally:  Scientists stumped!

Man & woman ask court to reinstate heterosexual marriage

Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years
before radioactivity decreases to safe levels in Iran

Castro dies at age 112:  Cuban cigars can now be imported
legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking

George Z.  Bush announces candidacy for President in 2036

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89,
reduces mail delivery to sunny Wednesdays only


Dumb, dumb, dumb news from Indiana (phyics lesson):
A 17-year-old boy in Chesterton was hospitalized with a broken leg
after asking a friend to hit him with a car "for fun."


                                            [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A child-care instructor left an 18-month-old baby alone in a car for more than
15 minutes when she entered an off-track parlor  in  Louisville  to  bet  on  the
Kentucky Derby  (she was arrested and fired).
                                                                           [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week:
"It was good for me . . . ."
-- O. J. Simpson, in a skit in which he sells his white
    Ford Bronco
on his pay-TV program Juiced

Borf's weekly BONUS:
A New Yorker's attempt to become the first black American
to row solo across the Atlantic Ocean  ended  when  his boat
sprang a leak just hours after leaving Africa.  .  .  . Iraqi police
shot a 14-year-old boy in the head for being a  gay  prostitute.
.  .  .  The Iranian Physical Education Organization banned ef-
feminate-looking athletes
.  . . .  Analysts calculated that Presi-
dent Bush has claimed exemption from 750 laws. . . .The cost
of the World Trade Center Memorial soared past 26 per cent
of the cost of the World Trade Center. . . .
Crown Prince Hen-
rik, honorary president of the Danish Dachshund Club, said he
enjoys eating dogs.
  . . . A mother in Maine helped three teen-
age girls bake ExLax-laden cookies for their teacher, and two
Arkansas schoolboys spiked their teachers' tea with a laxative.
. . . A pet rock from 1975 sold on e-Bay for $17.50. . . . Au-
stralian artist  Tim  Patch  unveiled a portrait of Prime Minister
John Howard  that he said he had painted with his penis.
  .  .  .
Kansas raised the minimum marriage age to 15.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]

Spammers of the week:
"Wilfrid Skinner" sent us an e-mail titled "astutely pelican."
"Susanna Shannon" sent us an e-mail titled "unilateral specific."
"August Patrick" sent us an e-mail titled "face-saving pandemonium."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Edwin Kagin.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor




May 7, 2006:   Things you would never know if you did not
browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the coun-
ter in the supermarket – this week's headlines:


JFK Jr. crash:
 IT WAS DRUGS!

                     [courtesy the Globe]


Jehovah's Witnesses use bullhorns
 on people who won't answer door

                                                                               [courtesy Weekly World News]


Astronomer makes startling discovery:
  Nature & vacuum reconcile

                                  [courtesy Weekly World News]


Oprah dumps 26 lbs.

                         [courtesy Nathaniel Enquirer]


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Gerry Blue wrote Sun 30 Apr 2006 @15:59:42 PDT:
Nothing about Keith Richards falling out of a palm tree?  I'm shocked!

Dumb news from Indiana:
A man with two wooden legs  and  a deaf man,  bar-hopping  from  New Chicago
to Valparaiso, were arrested for alcohol offenses after brawling on the street.  The
paraplegic,  who was driving,  got angry at the deaf man for not giving clear direc-
tions, stopped the car, circled it on his walker,  and pulled the deaf man out of the
car. . . .
                                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
You heard the question asked in the Kentucky tourism commercial  on the NBC
telecast of yesterday's Kentucky Derby: "Did you know that Kentucky has more
shore line than Florida?"

Well, Governor Ernie, did you know that Florida has approximately 1,350 more
miles of coast line than Kentucky has?


                                                                 [Kentucky Derby hat photo courtesy Courier-Journal]


B
irthdays (all May 3):
Christopher Cross, 55
Mary Hopkin, 56
Engelbert Humperdinck, 70
Frankie Valli, 71
James Brown, 73
Pete Seeger, 87

Borf's weekly BONUS:
An arson squad  blew  up  a  Los Angeles Times  vending  box
wired to play the "Mission: Impossible" theme song  to promote
Tom Cruise's new movie.  .  .  .  A 14-foot Australian crocodile
won a bout with a chain saw.
  . . . 17-year-old boys were killed
by horses at a race
in Mexico and at a rodeo in Colorado. .  .  .
The  Pentagon  ordered  700  automated  digital  bugles  to play
"Taps" at military funerals.
. . .  A California scientist was teach-
ing grammar to starlings. . . . A 33-year-old man married a 104-
year-old woman in Malaysia (it was her 21st marriage). . . . Ser-
bian boys drove a steamroller into their school. . . .
                                     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Courier-Journal]


Spammers of the week:
"Peter Cabrera" sent us an e-mail titled "oven peremptory."

"Chris Mooney" sent us an e-mail titled "stereo lava."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future will include Keith Richards,
Ray McGovern and Patrick Kennedy.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" -- Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index                    
Borf Books        borf@borfents.com            Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                      The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210                   War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

    (270) 597-2187           Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher         Natty Bumppo, writer/editor