Three premature babies died in Indianapolis' Methodist Hospital  from
adult doses of a blood thinner mistakenly stored in the infant section by
a pharmacy technician.
                                                               [courtesy Associated Press]

A lake the size of Indiana opened in the ice of the Beaufort Sea.

                                                                          [courtesy AP]

A new law restricting residency of convicted sex offenders is so sweep-
ing that it would force them out of nursing homes,  court-ordered treat-
ment centers,  and even jails.
                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A flood knocked out internet service to nearly all "Windstream" custo-
mers in Kentucky (including Tabloid Headlines).

                                                       [discourtesy "windstream".net]

"I am the greatest believer in democracy."

    -- Pervez Musharraf, who be-
       came President of Pakistan
       in a coup d'état in 1999

The dwarf planet Xena was renamed  Eris,  and astronomers
announced a new fluffy planet called HAT-P-1, far away. . . .
Russia said it could send Madonna into space  in  2009.  .  .  .
An  Ontario  woman  choked to death  in  a  "chubby  bunny"
marshmallow-chewing contest. . . .  A premature ejaculator in
Serbia had sex with a hedgehog on the advice of a witch doc-
tor and had to be treated for pricks.  . . .  A Nigerian accused
of murder said he had killed a goat with an axe  but  the  dead
goat then turned into the corpse of his brother. . . . Polar bears
were drowning in the Arctic Ocean. . . .  Michigan Chippewas
built  a  $36  million  casino  on  land north of Mackinac where
gambling is not legal. . . . A Six Flags amusement park in Gurn-
ee, Illinois, is offering line-jumping privileges  to  anyone  who'll
eat a live Madagascar hissing cockroach.

"Privacy Policy" sent us an e-mail titled "perfects organisms."

"Dorothy Wu" sent us an e-mail titled "Taliban regime 3."

"Bruno" sent us an e-mail titled "i didn't forgot."

"We swear to God to send you people who adore death as much as you adore life."

                                      -- the Mujahedeen Army, to the Pope, on the web

The entire staff  of Tabloid Headlines  was on sabbatical in Indiana last
week (where gasoline could be had at $2.09.9 a gallon)  and,  at dead-
line, walked into a Target supermarket in Southport to glean the week's
news.  The only tabloid to be found was the National Enquirer,  and the
issue was more than a week old.  Sorry.  We'll catch up next week.

"If  Harriet Miers  hadn't looked like a cross between a West
 Virginia waitress and a career secretary,  she might have had
 a chance at the Supreme Court bench."

-- Kelly Jones Sharp, Indianapolis Star columnist,
    in a commentary on Katie Couric's wardrobe

"To vomit in space is not my idea of a good time."

-- William Shatner, turning down a free
    seat on the Virgin Galactic spaceship

A 51-year-old nurse returning from work in Portland,  Oregon,
found an intruder with a hammer in her home and strangled him
to death with her bare hands.  . . .  The Gubernator was caught
on tape discussing the  "hot"  mix  of black and Latin blood in a
California Assemblywoman of Puerto Rican descent.  .  .  . The
Republic of Georgia admitted firing a missile at a helicopter car-
rying U.S. Senator John McCain. . . . The U.S. Office of  Spe-
cial Counsel was criticized for advising its female workers to, in
"choosing a skirt to wear, sit down in it facing a mirror." . . . En-
glish scientists were experimenting with tempting sea horses into
adultery. . . . Masked men burst into a bar in Michoacan, Mex-
ico, and tossed human heads into a crowd of dancers. . . .  The
remains of 20 murdered and mutilated sting rays were found on
Australian beaches after Steve Irwin's death.  .  .  . The backup
punter on the Northern Colorado University football team stab-
bed the starting punter in the leg.

Keith Durbin wrote Sun 3 Sep 2006 @11:21:59 CDT re the
"Tomatoe" sign in the Dumb News from Kentucky Constest:

Was this Dan Quayle's house?

No;  that would have been a Dumb News from Indiana contest.
But let's suppose that the former Vice President did have a sum-
mer home in Lindseyville,  Ky.   Would that be dumb news from
Kentucky,  or dumb news from Indiana?     -- Ed.

A 23-year-old Harrison County man was found crushed to death by
his 14-foot pet python. . . .

A dead man from Hammond rode Amtrak's California Zephyr with
his daughter all the way to Chicago before she  reported  his  death.
Authorities speculated that she was avoiding the cost of shipping his
body home (he was believed to have died somewhere in Colorado).

                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The co-pilot  who was at the controls of the airplane that took off from
the wrong runway at Lexington's airport and crashed killing all other 49
persons aboard  woke up in the hospital and asked,  "Why did God do
this to me?"
                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Eight of the nine teams in first, second, and third place in the three di-
visions were struggling to win more games than they'd lost - and three
of them will be invited to the playoffs and a shot at the World Series.

                                               [courtesy "Major League" baseball]

"Terrorists drive taxicabs in the daytime and kill by night."

                --  Senator Conrad Burns of Montana

Steve Irwin,  Australia's "Crocodile Hunter,"  was killed by a
sting ray while filming a TV series.  . . .  Iranian President Ah-
madinejad challenged U.S. President Bush to a  TV  debate –
but President Bush was busy in New Orleans saying  "Houses
will begat jobs, jobs will begat houses." . . .  It  was calculated
that  the average British woman spends 2½ years of her life on
her hair. . . . A dope peddler on trial in Duluth flung and ate his
own feces in court. . . .Cell phones were found up the asses of
four prisoners in El Salvador.  . . .  Cher announced she would
auction off 800 items of her stuff at Sotheby's. . . . A customer
was bitten by a  rattlesnake  in the garden section of Lowe's in
Ocala, Florida. . . .A six-foot boa constrictor was injured by a
man waving it at passers-by in Brooklyn. . . .  A South Korean
amusement park had a talking elephant. . . .  Outlines of rabbits,
spray-painted in white, appeared on streets and roads in Frank-
lin County, Vermont. . . . Paris Hilton was arrested for DUI.

                                             [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"honest obnoxious" sent us an e-mail titled "Freelance."

One hundred twenty-eight students were suspended from Morton High
School in Hammond the first day of classes  for  wearing  baggy  pants,
tank tops, and T-shirts with slogans and emblems..

Forty-nine people died in an airliner that crashed after taking off from the
wrong runway at Lexington as the only air traffic controller on duty,  who
had had only two hours of sleep since his last shift,  had his back turned.

                                                                   [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Dumb news from Kentucky CONTEST ! Be the first one  to correctly translate this roadside sign  in  Edmonson  County  (at Lindseyville), and win a free subscription to Tabloid Headlines: TOMATOE .30 lbs

"If we can move the Dodgers to Los Angeles and the Colts to Indianapolis,
  why can't we move Pluto to Uranus?"

           -- sportswriter Frank DeFord, on NPR's Morning Edition

A woman set a new world record by throwing a cell phone 50.83
meters in Savonlinna, Finland.  .  .  . A Mongolian woman crashed
her car while teaching her dog to drive  (the Xinhua News Agency
refused to reveal the breed of the dog). .. . Barack Obama agreed
to be tested for HIV in Kenya.  . . .  A survey found that half of all
evangelical Christian men are addicted to pornography. . . .  China
cracked down on striptease performances at funerals in Jiangsu. ...
Nine black children were sent to the back of a school bus  in Cou-
shatta, Louisiana.  . . .  A 14-year-old boy in Nepal, 20 inches tall,
applied  to the Guiness Book of Records  to be recognized  as  the
shortest boy in the world.

"Deanna Gregg" sent us an e-mail titled "Spam from Vasya."