Edwin Kagin on Sun 18 Feb 2007 10:19:22 EST sent us the following link for
those who might want to see more of Michelle the Hard Man Eater Manhart:

http://www.postchronicle.com/news/original/article_21259009.shtml

"Timely death" contest entries:

"In my view, a timely death is one that occurs between birth and burial."  – Edwin F. Kagin

"The activities of Dr. Kevorkian come to mind."  – FGDean

"You borrow money from the Mob, you blow it foolishly,
  and you die in your sleep before they come after you."  – Jeanetta Girard

"Right before your subscription comes due for renewal."  – Hank T. Hebhoe

"Hula hoops.  Dick Clark."  – Bob Hill

"I'd rather die happy than not die at all."  – Robbie Robertson, in his song "The W. S.
                                                                 Walcott Medicine Show,"  performed by
                                                                 the Band and sung by Rick Danko

Please vote!  Rank the entries, or as many of them as you want to vote
for, in your order of favorites and send them to borf@borfents.com.

An inmate review at the Lake County Jail turned up a homeless man
who had been locked up for 17 months, without trial, on a charge of
stealing a Pepsi at a Wal-Mart in Schererville.

                                                             [courtesy Associated Press]

Ann Greenfield, a teacher at Murray Middle School,  was arrested after
she sent a telephone text message to a state trooper seeking to purchase
marijuana (she had dialed the wrong number). . . .

Fifty-seven write-in ballots marked only for "Gus" for Sheriff of McCreary
County should have been counted, a judge ruled in declaring  Gus  Skinner
the  winner  over  Randy  Waters,  who  had already taken office.   "It ain't
right," said Randy.
                                                                                           [courtesy AP]

"What was she thinking?"
                                            – Sheila Marikar, in "Bald and Broken: Inside
                                               Britney[ Spears]'s Shaved Head," ABC.com


"What was she thinking?"  How about nothing?  How about who gives a shit?   How's that for an
 answer, Sheila Marikar of ABC News, you pinhead?"
                                                                                        – Matt Taibbi, Rolling Stone
                                                                                            [courtesy Bruce Mitchell]

A giant rat terrorized manly Iron Range men at a tire shop in
Virginia, Minnesota. . . .The National Enquirer made a print-
et public apology  to Cameron Diaz  and friend Shane Nick-
erson  for the headline "Cameron Caught Cheating"  that ap-
peared with smooch photos in its issue of May 23, 2005.. . .
Gurbanguly Berdymukhammedov,  a  dentist,  took office as
president of Turkmenistan. . . . A Pittsburgh woman pleaded
guilty to attempted homicide, assault and kidnapping in trying
to cut a fetus out of her neighbor's womb. . . . A Florida pro-
duction of "The Vagina Monologues" was retitled  "The Hoo-
haa Monologues." . . . A man broke into an apartment with a
cavalry sword in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin,  to rescue a wo-
man being raped – only to learn that the sound he heard was
from a pornographic movie  his upstairs neighbor was watch-
ing.
           [courtesy AP, National Enquirer, Harper's Weekly]

"jonh Deen" sent us an e-mail titled "pleasure sounds JAPANESE."

Carole Otis wrote Sun 11 Feb 2007 @20:35:27 CST:

Q. "Can an artichoke heart transplant save YOUR life?"
A. Only on Valentine's Day.... :)

Henry Velenosi wrote Mon 12 Feb 2007 @10:02:01 PST:

I had a bad weekend.  Saturday the LA Times was late.  Sun-
day, Tabloid Headlines.  I am now completely out of cycle.

A patient wandered outdoors unnoticed and froze to death outside a
locked door of his nursing home in Marion.

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The  Boston  Celtics  lost  18 games in a row.  . . . A  semitrailer
tipped  over  spilling  165,000  eggs  on  the Capital  Beltway  in
northern  Virginia.  .  .  .  Unusually cold weather in Phnom Penh
forced Cambodians to wear socks.  .  .  . A  psychiatrist  opined
that astronaut Lisa Nowak – who was wearing a diaper and had
a BB gun,  pepper spray,  garbage bags and rubber tubing  when
arrested – may have "unresolved issues."  . . . Speaking of issues,
(1) a male lawyer in New Zealand changed his name to "Miss Al-
ice"  and went to court in a dress and carrying a handbag in a pro-
test against an "old boys network," and (2) Donatella Versace told
Hillary Clinton to stop wearing pants.  .  .  . New  Mexico ordered
500  "talking  urinal  cakes"  to  advise men in bar restrooms not to
drive home drunk. . . . A SWAT team in Walhalla, South Carolina,
was in what it thought was a four-hour standoff  outside a suspect's
home  –  until they discovered that he had been asleep in a chair in
the house the whole time.  . . . Michelle Manhart, an Air Force drill
sergeant, was removed from active duty and demoted to airman for
appearing nude in Playboy  (yup!  That's what they said:  "airman").

                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, FGDean, AOL]

"Alec C. Key" sent us an e-mail titled "If so in what field of study?"

.

A woman and her boy friend in Columbus were arrested for handcuffing
the woman's 6-year-old son to his bed (a father in Albany, Oregon, was
accused of shooting his 18-month-old son  with a 100,000-volt stun gun
multiple times over three weeks).
                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

The moral mortuary militia from Kansas, that has been staging protests
at soldiers' burials, said it would demonstrate at the funeral for ten per-
sons killed in a one-house fire in Bardstown, Kentucky – to show that
the deaths  "are God's punishment for a filthy nation that has disobeyed
His will."  But the group called off the demonstration when a disk jock-
ey on Louisville's most popular FM radio rock station gave  it  an  hour
of free air time instead.
                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"I mean, you got the first mainstream African American who is articulate and
bright and clean and a nice-looking guy, I mean, that's a storybook, man."

                                                                 – Senator Joseph Biden, speaking of Senator Barack Obama


"I am a fucking steamroller, and I'll roll over you or anybody else."

                                                     – New York Governor Eliot Spitzer, to Assemblyman James Tedisco

The new National "Intelligence" Estimate on Iraq concluded
that a civil war is going on there.  . . .  Moro  rebels  in  Jolo
captured a number of senior military officers  including Gen-
eral Dolorfino,  Colonel Ramon,  and Colonel Baboon.  . . .
Japanese Health Minister HakuoYanagisawa apologized for
calling women birth-giving machines. . . . Bowel Anpaul was
arrested for pedophilia in Cambodia.  .  .  . U.S. immigration
officials seized fugitive Taiwan tycoon Wang You-theng. . . .
Bollywood star Amitabh Bachchan received France's Legion
d'Honneur and was kicked in the head by a camel. .  .  . Brit-
ish paraglider Nicky Moss was mauled by eagles  over  Aus-
tralia.  . . . A 70-year-old man was fined $19,500 for beating
an eagle to death when  it  mauled  his  dachshund  in Siegels-
bach,  Germany.  .  .  .  Nancy Pelosi's Washington residence
was ransacked by a small black bird. . . . A semitrailer tipped
over spilling 40 tons of cow guts on I-43 in Mosel, Wisconsin.

                                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"Regions Online Banking Support" sent us an e-mail
titled "You have 1 new ALERT message."

Gerry Blue <gblue42@YAHOO.com> wrote
Sun 28 Jan 2007 @07:38:14 PST:

At least one Yahoo! user got it this week.

Two-time Indianapolis 500-Mile Race winner Al Unser Jr. was ar-
rested in Las Vegas for DUI and leaving the scene of an accident.

                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

A Louisville policeman used his cruiser to chase, run over and kill a black
man fleeing on foot. . . .

The  Louisville  policeman  who  killed another motorist while speeding the
wrong way down a one-way street, it was revealed in civil litigation against
him, had a traffic record, before he was hired, including speeding, reckless
driving, running a stop sign, running a red light,  and killing yet another mo-
torist.
                                                     [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A  Beaver  Dam  couple  shaved their 10-year-old son's head and doped him
in order to solicit donations for his (nonexistent) cancer.  They netted $12,000
before they were found out.
                                                                                               [courtesy AP]

A greased, naked student ran around a high school lunchroom   in
Westerville, Ohio,  screaming and flailing his arms until police shot
him with a stun gun (he was charged with inducing panic). . . .  Six
girls were arrested for  conspiracy  after a list of 300 assassination
targets  –  including Tom Cruise and the Energizer Bunny  –  was
discovered in a trash can at a Tennessee high school. . . . A frozen
8-foot boa constrictor was found on the banks of the Great Miami
River north of Cincinnati. . . . Veterinarians in Antwerp said that an
iguana that has had an erection for a week will have to have one of
his two penises amputated.  . . . The Ford Motor Company report-
ed a loss for the year  equal  to  the gross domestic product of Jor-
dan.
                                                  [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

"James" sent us an e-mail titled "Singing at the barbershop is easy."