• The lies
• The baby secret
• The raunchy photos
  

All four grade school pupils aboard a small school bus were killed when it
was clipped by one dump truck and run over by another in an accident in-
stigated by a mo-ped on U.S. Highway 24 near Logansport.  The bus dri-
ver was seriously injured.
                                                                    [courtesy Associated Press]

A Spencer County man who went to the hospital for a circumcision sued his
doctor for amputating his whole penis. . . .

The state human rights commission obtained a $6,500 settlement  for a techni-
cian sent to repair a TV at a whites-only America Legion post in Franklin and
refused entrance becasue he was black. The post agreed also to have its per-
sonnel undergo  "civil rights compliance training"  and allow the commission to
monitor its compliance for three years (but what the national office of the Am-
erican Legion had to say about the matter  and whether the post was required
to change its policy or not  were not reported).

                                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Governor Stevie asked a state circuit judge for the authority to block 141 inter-
national internet gambling sites (which the judge ordered "seized" but not "forfei-
ted").
                           [courtesy Manchester (England, not Kentucky) Guardian]

The legislature (with Governor Stevie's endorsement) has made it against the law
to jack off while talking to a minor on the telephone or the internet.

                                                               [courtesy Kentucky Bar Association]

The U.S. Mint will celebrate Lincoln's bicentennial next year  with four new
pennies,  the first of which will show the Kentucky log cabin where Li'l Abe
was born, the second of which will show the Boy Railsplitter reading a book
in Indiana.
                                                                                            [courtesy AP]

The Philadelphia Phillies' mascot Phillie Phanatic shot hot dogs from a laun-
cher outside the stadium  before the baseball game with the Atlanta Braves
Wednesday night, and three stray hot dogs, wrapped in duct tape, were re-
ported later to the city's bomb squad. The stadium was evacuated as police
exploded three wieners.
                                                                                           [courtesy AP]

"I never said that I agree with free speech.  That would
 mean that anyone could say anything any time."
                                                                            – Judy Wood

Jolee Bacon won the hog calling contest at the Nez Perce
County Fair in northern Idaho. . . . Janet Brannon was ar-
rested for tending bar naked at the Cabin Tavern in Delhi,
Illinois. . . . Gennifer Moss, known as "Earth Friend Gen,"
was not arrested for roller-skating naked in Portland, Or-
egon. . . .A truck carrying 20 tons of money from the Phil-
adelphia mint to Miami crashed, killing one passenger and
spilling 3.7 million nickels on I-95.  .  .  . Twenty thousand
horses and cows were freed by Hurrican Ida Ike in Texas.
.  .  .  The family dog brought home an  unidentified  child's
severed foot in northwest Alabama. .  .  .  A West Virginia
man was charged with battery of a police officer for farting
and fanning the fumes during a breathalyzer test. . . .  An I-
daho cornfield sculptor carved a 16-acre portrait of Sarah
Palin on an Ohio farm. .  .  . PETA urged Ben and Jerry to
make their ice cream from human mothers' milk  instead of
cows'. . . .Two women aged 65 and 74 were evicted from
their senior living center in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts, for
chaining themselves to a crab apple tree to  protest  its  re-
moval.
                                       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP]

• The affair – her secret confession
• Son's drug addiction – needles, pills & cocaine
• Pregnant daughter banished from house
  

Blenster wrote Sun 14 Sept 2008 @09:16:58 EDT:

While we don't normally question the editorial prowess
of such an esteemed publication as this, it seems the ar-
ticle on the one-legged man in the "ass-kicking" contest
is from a humor web site, not an actual news source.

We sit  corrected,  and  humbled.  Thank you for the comeup-
pance.  Everything in Tabloid Headlines  (except the headlines)
is supposed to be the gospel truth.  – Editor

Indiana was the only one of eight states to favor John McCain in the
"Big Ten" poll.
                                                   [courtesy National Public Radio]

"Volunteers" paid $220 apiece for the privilege of controlling the crowd
and picking up trash at the  Ryder  Cup  golf tournament  at the Valhalla
Country Club in Louisville.  A nonworking ticket cost $555  (club mem-
bership costs $50,000 up front plus $6,000 a year in dues). . . .

The campaign headquarters of Congressman John Yarmuth,  a Louisville
Democrat,  were hit twice in five days by burglars, who took computers
and  information  only,  leaving money and other valuables behind  (does
anyone remember Watergate?).
                                                   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Both states were welcomed to the Gulf of Mexico as  Hurricane  Ida  Ike
blew out the lights to a million homes and businesses, closed schools,  left
more than 100,000 homes in Kentucky and more than 100,000 people in
Indiana without electricity for a week,  and caused seven deaths in Indiana
alone, as far north as Lake County.
                                                                     [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Allah told me to watch a Bruce Willis movie and walk the dog."

                                – David McCranie, to police in Tallahassee, Florida, who
                                   asked him why he was nude while walking his dog (and
                                   who promptly tasered him when he gave that answer)

Lauren Bacall, 84
Jimmie Rodgers (the other), 75
Elvira, 57

Auburn beat Mississippi State University 3-2 – in football. . . .
Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper apologized for a vid-
eo on the Conservative party web site showing a puffin defeca-
ting on Liberal leader Stephane Dion. .  .  . Cell phone "texting"
by a commuter train engineer was blamed  for a collision with a
freight train that killed him  and 24 of his passengers  in Los An-
geles. . . .An Italian prosecutor sought to charge actress Sabrina
Guzzanti  with  "offending  the honor of the sacred and inviolable
person" of the Pope by suggesting that in 20 years Benedict XVI
"will be where he ought to be  –  in  Hell,  tormented by great big
gay devils,  and very active ones." . . . Britney Spears announced
plans to release a new album, "Circus," on December 2, her 27th
birthday. .  .  .  John  McCain  helped  create the Blackberry,  his
staff reported.  .  .  .  A man having his picture taken by a moving
train  in Fargo, North Dakota,  got too close to the tracks and his
shirt and trousers were ripped. .  .  .  A man lighting a cigarette by
the tracks in Benton,  Illinois,  got too close and was clipped by a
train. . . . A Florida judge found Riviera Beach's saggy pants ordi-
nance unconstitutional. . . . Eight candidates in Brazil were running
for office under the name Barack Obama.  .  .  . The U.S.' Barack
Obama turned down an endorsement from Lindsay Lohan.

                         [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, the Buzz, NPR]

Butler University, in Indianapolis, hired a real bulldog for its football
games after its bulldog mascot costumes were stolen.

                                                           [courtesy Courier-Journal]

The late Colonel Sanders' original handwritten recipe of 11 herbs and
spices for Kentucky Fried Chicken, sealed in a locked briefcase hand-
cuffed to an armed security guard, was moved by armored car to stor-
age in an undisclosed  temporary  location  while the vault in which it is
normally kept is refurbished.
                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Bear Creek Chic,"  the new business in Brownsville  (see 8/24/08 is-
sue),  is already out of business.
                                                            [Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

A clerk in Lexington was cited criminally  for refusing to let a customer
use her store's telephone to call the police.  A couple spotted a 3-year-
old boy locked up alone in a hot van in the store's parking lot and were
told by the clerk that it was  store  policy  not to get involved in parking
lot disputes  (the clerk, Elizabeth Miller, 34,  was charged with failing to
report child neglect, a misdemeanor.
                                                                 [courtesy Associated Press]

A man has been leaving the greasy imprints of his buttocks  and groin  on
windows of businesses, schools and churches in Valentine, Nebraska, for
a year (the only clue to his identity is a blurry surveillance photo). . . .

A man disgusted by the filth of a public restroom  in Saugatuck,  Michigan,
cleaned it himself and sent the city a bill for $156. . . .

Antonio Vasquez was found hiding in a field near Sanger,California, wearing
only T-shirt,  boxers  and  socks  after someone broke into the home of  two
farm workers,  rubbed spices into the face of one of them,  and  slugged  the
other  with an eight-inch sausage  (Antonio was not charged,  for lack of evi-
dence).
                                                                                             [courtesy AP]

"In what respect, Charlie?"
                                               – Vice  Presidential  nominee  Sarah  Palin,
                                                   when asked by ABC News' Charles Gibson
                                                   whether she agreed with the Bush Doctrine

"My name is the butt of a joke."
                                                     – Jack Abramoff

"What would Jesus bomb?"
                                              – Michael Moore

"They jumped the pig."
                                       – Eleanor Clift

Amy Irving, 55
Dannielynn Birkhead, 2

A flying carp broke a teen-age swimmer's jaw on Lake Chi-
cot in Arkansas. . . .  A man captured a 6-foot Nile monitor
lizard in his yard in Grants Pass, Oregon. . . .Firemen recap-
tured an escaped kangaroo with a net  near  Cologne,  Ger-
many.  .  .  .  A Montana teacher riding his bicycle to school
was bruised and scratched in a collision with a bear. . . . Po-
lice broke into a house in Trenton,  New Jersey,  to rescue a
woman crying  "Help me!  Help me!"  that turned out to be a
cockatoo. . . . Virginia Tech students were told by an election
registrar  that if they voted at college,  their parents would lose
them as tax dependents  and  they could lose scholarships and
health and auto insurance coverage (it's not true). . . .A county
commissioner in Miami introduced a resolution to rename Jose
Canseco Street in Miami  because of the retired baseball play-
er's admitted steroids use. .  .  .  NASCAR truck racing cham-
pion Ron Hornaday Jr. admitted using testosterone. .  .  . Dave
Freeman,  the 47-year-old author of "100 Things to Do Before
You Die,"  after completing about 50 of them  fell,  hit his head
and died. .  .  . Dismissing a suit against the producers of Borat
by a driving instructor and two etiquette school instructors  who
said they were duped  into appearing in the film,  Judge Loretta
Preska of New York noted  that  all three had accepted money
and signed releases.  . . . One-legged John Kelly won the fourth
annual ass-kicking contest in Towanda, Pennsylvania. . . .A 33-
year-old Green Bay,  Wisconsin,  woman used her 15-year-old
daughter's ID to enroll in high school and become a cheerleader.

                                [courtesy Harper's Weekly, AP, National
                                 Enquirer, Smooth Operator, Len Zanger]

Nolan Porterfield wrote Sun 31 Aug 2008 @15:12:57 CDT:

Re Brownsville's double-yellow line problem:  There's an old folk-joke
to which the punch line is  "You can't get there from here."    This is the
closest living example I've heard of.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 31 Aug 2008 @09:21:58 PDT
re last week's report of Margaret Thatcher's amnesia:

Thank god someone can forget the Thatcher years!

Jeanetta Girard wrote Tues 2 Sept 2008 @10:11:11 CDT:

Dumb news?  This stuff is stupid!

Sheriff's detectives were investigating a rash of saddle thefts around
Fort Wayne.
                                                          [courtesy Associated Press]

A 13-year-old student stole a school bus and drove it into a church
in Louisville.
                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Two student photographers and their faculty adviser from the Univer-
sity of Kentucky  were  among 300 journalists rounded up and jailed
for two nights by the conventional cops in St. Paul.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"I guess Sarah Palin's daugther proved that abstinence education, which
 Palin supports, doesn't work."
                                                                             – Raffaella Cesana

"Gas prices are too mother-fuckin' high."
                                                                – P.  Diddy,  who  abandoned  his  private
                                                                    jet and is now taking commercial flights

Mitzi Gaynor, 77
Paul Harvey, 90

Pope Benedict condemned a crucified frog sculpture
at a museum in northern Italy  near where he was va-
cationing (see also Borf Books' Santachrist). . . . Ni-
gerian religious leader Mohammadu Bello Abubakar
accepted an Islamic decree  that  would force him to
divorce 82 of his 86 wives. . . .  A man, worried that
he'd injected air into his veins shooting cocaine, tried
to amputate his own arm with a butter knife at a Den-
ny's restaurant in Modesto, California. . . .A 23-year-
old woman mooned passing motorists  after  getting a
ticket for jaywalking in Athens, Georgia. .  .  . NASA
confirmed that laptops in space had been infected with
the virus Gammima.AG.  .  .  .   A book for philatelists,
Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Num-
bers,  won a  British  poll  for oddest title of the last 30
years.   Placing  also  were  People Who Don't Know
They're Dead,  Proceedings  of  the Second Interna-
tional Workshop on Nude Mice,  How  Green  Were
the Nazis?  and  How  to  Avoid  Huge  Ships. . . . A
semitrailer driver in New York rigged a disappearing li-
cense plate  that  enabled him to run toll booths without
detection.

           [courtesy the Guardian, Harper's Weekly, AP]