browse the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter
in the supermarket – this week's headlines,  sent to you from
Indianapolis by laptop remote, and brought to you by Bozac,
the new tranquilizer that really dumbs you down:

Publius Leget wrote Sun 19 Apr 2009 @10:03:14 CDT:

I note that the "South Atlantic" League includes teams
as far north as New Jersey  and  as far inland as Lake
Erie's Ohio shore,  and two teams in Kentucky.

Dumb news from Indiana:

A 24-year-old man was killed by a thrown softball that hit him in the
neck,  just below the left ear,  as he was sliding in to home plate in a
game in Mishawaka.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Dumb news from Kentucky:

Troy Yocum, a Louisville soldier serving in Kuwait, will try to set a Guin-
ness record for continuous drumming – 125 hours.  He is allowed a five-
minute break every hour  (that's  continuous?),  must  play  "recognizable
songs,"  cannot repeat any song for four hours,  and  may  pause  for  no
more than  30  seconds  between  songs  (that's  continuous?).  You can
watch him on http://www.drummarathon.com  beginning at 10 a.m. EDT
Tuesday.
                                                 [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Quotation of the week:

"Get out of here, you whores!"
                                                 – Counterdemonstrators in Kabul yelling at women
                                                    protesting against a new law making it illegal for
                                                    a wife to refuse her husband for more than four
                                                    days in a row if she is not ill or menstruating

Birthdays:

Duane Eddy, 71
Jack Nicholson, 72
Glen Campbell, 73
Paul Simon, 67 (actually the musician Paul Simon's birthday is in October; we
    just put this in to answer a reader's question whether he was still alive.  The
    bow-tied former Illinois Senator Paul Simon died in 2003 at the age of 75)

Borf's weekly BONUS:

Four baby Stimson's pythons escaped from a cargo container on a
Qantas plane in Melbourne, Australia, and the plane was grounded
so that the tiny snakes could be gassed. . . .  Twenty-one horses at
the U.S. Open Polo Championship collapsed and died of unknown
cause. . . .  Thousands of dolphins in the Gulf of Aden blocked So-
mali pirates from Chinese ships. .  .  . Biologists at the University of
Arizona identified an all-female species of ant. . . . A live shark was
dumped at the doorstep of the Standard newspaper  in  Warrnam-
bool,  Victoria,  Australia. .  .  .  A one-eyed, three-legged alligator
turned up on Seacrest Beach in Florida. . . . A 26-year-old woman
was attacked by a 200-pound hog in her back yard  in  St.  Peters-
burg, Florida. . . . Officials in Rumford, Maine, were trying to figure
out how to remove a dead cow  from  a remote pile of rocks at the
base of a waterfall in the Androscoggin River. .  .  . A man dressed
up as a Ninja held up a dry cleaner  with  a  sword  in  Weymouth,
Massachusetts. . . . A judge in Pocatello, Idaho,  had bailiffs seal a
disruptive defendant's mouth with duct tape. . . .Officials in Broms-
grove, England, ordered a 64-year-old woman to clothe two nude
lawn gnomes in her garden. . . .  The Consumer Price Index fell for
the first time  since  1955.  .  .  .  The 1868 survey locating the four
corners of Colorado,  Utah,  Arizona and New Mexico was found
to be 2½ miles off. .  .  . A Manhattan law firm partner ordered her
two quarreling daughters, aged 12 and10, out of her car three miles
from their home in White Plains, New York, and drove off. .  .  . A
16-year old baseball player was killed by a fastball in a high school
game in Lebanon, Missouri.

                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

Unopened e-mail last week included a message  from  "Edwina  Girard"
        titled "You wiill chnage into a ttoally dfiferent guuy in the berdoom"
        and a message from "Delores Padilla" titled "Get the woman metab-
        olism back in place with Clomid."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

      Don't  forget!   Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events  are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Troy Yocum.


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• Her stripper past
• Won't wash her babies
• Ignores kids to shop

Publius Leget wrote Sun 12 Apr 2009 @10:02:13 CDT:

OK, I give up.  Who's Dena Christoffersen?

She's the 13-year-old girl who ran up a $5,000 cell phone bill
with 20,000 text messages in one month. – Ed.


Sweetgrass.dusty@gmail.com wrote Weds 15 Apr 2009 @00:27:19 CDT:

My unopened email of the week:  "Preventing Limp Nights" from
"Bagsby Saul."

A Facebook site was launched to oust the Rev. John Jenkins,  presi-
den of the University of Notre Dame, for standing by his invitation to
Barack Obama to deliver the school's commencement address. . . .

Another motorist fell into another sinkhole in Fort Wayne, on Clinton
Street.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The Jeffersonville City Council prohibited the possession and distribu-
tion of Silly String at Thunder Over Louisville, a celebration preceding
the Kentucky Derby.
                                              [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Northern Kentucky University,  in the Covington suburb Highland
Heights,  spent $10,000 to rid a dormitory of bedbugs.

                                                                              [courtesy AP]

Janis Ian appeared at the Southern Kentucky Book Fest in Bowling
Green promoting her memoir Society's Child.

                                                   [courtesy Park City Daily News]



                                                                                               [ courtesy Courier-Journal]

Baseball's "Class A" South Atlantic League (the "Sally League") consists of

The Asheville Tourists
The Augusta Green Jackets
The Bowling Green Hot Dogs Rods
The Charleston River Dogs
The Delmarva Shore Birds
The Greensboro Grass Hoppers
The Greenville Drive
The Hagerstown Suns
The Hickory Crawdads
The Kannapolis Intimidators
The Lake County Captains
The Lakewood Blue Claws
The Lexington Legends
The Rome Braves
The Savannah Sand Gnats
The West Virginia Power

Nellie McKay, 27
Olivia Hussey, 58
Hayley Mills, 63

Mark Fidrych, 54
Marilyn Chambers, 56

A deer was hit by a car on U.S. 70 near White Hall, Arkansas;
then charged the glass doors of a travel plaza, then ran 100 feet
through a hall  and crashed through a second set of glass doors,
then ran into traffic on I-530  and  was hit by a southbound car,
then ran across the median  and  was  hit by a northbound truck.
And died. . . . The Colorado Department of Motor Vehicles re-
fused to permit a vegan woman to put ILVTOFU on a vanity li-
cense plate  ("We don't allow 'FU',"  an official explained). .  .  .
A girl was expelled from high school in Fairfax County, Virginia,
for taking birth control pills. .  .  .  A Canadian 12-year-old sued
her father for grounding her, and won. . . .  A New York police-
man fired for testing positive for  cocaine  said he got it from oral
sex. . . . A man in Lesna, Poland,  bit off a friend's penis in an ar-
gument,  and swallowed it. .  .  .  A 13-year-old girl on an Easter
hunt in Weisskirchen, Austria, lost her hand in an animal trap bait-
ed with eggs. . . .  A New Yorker paid $7,500 on e-Bay for Ber-
nard Madoff's two seats at the first season game in the Mets' new
stadium  (which the Mets lost,  making them 0 for 3  in openers at
the three stadiums they have inhabited). . . . Russian surgeons dis-
covered a 2-inch fir tree growing in a patient's lung. .  .  .  A nurse
was called out of surgery at a clinic in Madison, Wisconsin,  to be
told she was laid off.  .  .  .  A woman shot in the head by her hus-
band in Jackson County, Mississippi, survived and made herself a
cup of tea while waiting for sheriff's deputies  (the  husband  killed
himself).  .  .  . A driving instructor in Salem,  Massachusetts,  was
convicted of backseat DUI.

                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• 'It's going to be a real monster!'
• 'It'll be sooner than you think!'

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 5 Apr 2009 @10:49:43 PDT
from Bainbridge Island off the Pacific Coast:

As a cost cutting measure suposedly due to a fiscal crisis
caused by the general financial meltdown,  a few months
ago  the government of this island paradise  considerably
altered our enjoyment of a lovely local park  by removing
the trash can and ceasing to provide doggie doo bags in a
dispenser.  Thus,  I would be very pleased indeed to have
a half-naked woman going about picking up the piles. Reg-
ularly.

Carole, a blonde in Waukegan, Illinois, wrote Tues 7 Apr 2009 @09:48:54 CDT
re the woman in Kissimmee, Florida, who thought she was locked in her car:

Humm – I know, she was a blonde.

Len Zanger wrote Saturday 11 April 2009 @18:02:00 EDT re a report that all
government offices but one were closed for "Good Friday"  in a certain County
in Kentucky,  and that only the top officer staffed the one that remained open:

Friday is payday.  Every Friday is "Good."  Why would anyone want to take
the day off on payday?

As four inches of wet, heavy snow knocked out power  to 1,900
businesses and residences around South Bend  on  Palm  Sunday,
hundreds rallied at Notre Dame to protest the university's pending
award of an honorary doctorate to  President  Obama.  .  .  . Ten
priests of  the  Holy  Cross,  the order that founded the university,
asked the school's president to withdraw the invitation. . . .

Fifty-four per cent of Purdue University students voted in a plebis-
cite to relax the penalty for marijuana possession, which, unlike al-
cohol, gets one kicked out of campus housing. . . .

Tax opponents in  Lafayette  were planning to dump a crate of tea
bags into the Wabash River on April 15. . . .

A Hamilton County Sheriff's deputy was fired for refusing to be ta-
sered in a training exercise (he has sued to get his job back, which
he held for 29 years).
                                                        [courtesy Associated Press]

A 77-year-old woman intervened in a sword fight between two men
in Indianapolis and was stabbed to death.

                                                           [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A 22-year-old Evansville woman turned her Ford Escort directly into a
telephone pole while texting.
                                                                   [courtesy Courier-Press]

A motorist bit off a bicycler's ear in a traffic argument in New Castle.

                                                                [courtesy thestarpress.com]

Six persons were arrested for trafficking in foxes and coyotes.

                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

"Every time there is an earthquake there are people who claim
 to have predicted it.  It is not possible to predict earthquakes."
                                                                                                – Enzo Boschi, chairman of Italy's National
                                                                                                   Institute for Geophysics and Vulcanology

"It's not illegal to own a pillow!"
                                                    – Scott  Harris,  whose pillow was
                                                       seized by police in a Detroit park

Julian Lennon, 46
Jackie Chan, 55
Peggy Lennon, 68
Darlene, 68
Don Meredith, 71
Omar Sharif, 77
Max von Sydow, 80
Harry Morgan, 94

Police broke up a pillow fight at a downtown park  in De-
troit,  part of a worldwide event organized  by  Newmind-
space and promoted on social networking web sites inclu-
ding Facebook.  .  .  .  Prax Sanchez coughed up an inch-
long nail,  embedded for perhaps 30 years but brought up
by the magnetism of an MRI in Colorado Springs. . . .Ac-
cording  to a Pew poll,  one in ten Americans still believes
Barack Obama is a Muslim, and the same percent believe
Elvis is still alive. . . .  Journalists wanting to interview Sec-
retary of State Hillary Clinton about  the  NATO  meeting
got a telephone sex line number from the White House. ...
A British soccer player got the yellow card for farting dur-
ing the opponents' penalty shot.  .  .  .  A study found  that
people with sisters are  happier  than people with brothers.
. . . A woman dialed 911 from a Chinese restaurant in Hal-
tom City,  Texas,  to complain there weren't enough shrimp
in her fried rice.  .  .  .  A commercial helicopter pilot filmed
getting  a  blow job from a Swedish porn star while flying o-
ver San Diego lost his license. .  .  . A man accidentally shot
himself in the leg at a fast food drive-through  in  Rapid City,
South Dakota. .  .  . A 13-year-old girl in Cheyenne,  Wyo-
ming,  ran up a bill of nearly $5,000  by  exchanging 20,000
text  messages  in  a  month,  and her  dad  smashed her cell
phone with a hammer.

                   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

In  honor  of  Genital Integrity Awareness Week,  50 "inacti-
vists" demonstrated against circumcision in front of the White
House, where eighth-graders on a field trip got  mixed  up  in
their rally. "It's gonna be their favorite souvenir," the children's
teacher said.  "They got a picture that says 'penis' on it."   The
star of a popular Swedish TV show for children was hospital-
ized after he chopped off the tip of his finger on air, and a deck
hand aboard the chartered boat Gale Force died in front of 20
Los Angeles elementary schoolchildren when he choked on the
bait fish he had stuck in his mouth  in order to make the visiting
kids laugh.

• How she's hiding it
• Who's the daddy?
  

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 29 Mar 2009 10:48:53 PDT re
Republican National Chairman Michael Steele's remark  "Like
we know what the planet is all about":

Like he knows what he is about.

Terry Crow wrote Mon 30 Mar 2009 @14:04:54 PDT:

Regarding the deaths in the stadium in Angola, I guess you
could say Jesus is the ultimate goalie.    Maybe you should
add him to the living or dead list.

Ariel Sharon
Nancy Reagan
Elvis
Nelson Mandela
Jerry Lewis
Jerry Lee Lewis
Bill Clinton  and
Yoko Ono

The Bishop of South Bend said he would boycott President Obama's
appearance at the Notre Dame commencement.

                                                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly]

An Anderson city councilman arrested for DUI had a loaded handgun
in jail  (he had been patted down twice by police, but the gun was not
discovered until it fell out of his pants leg in his cell).

                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

A  senior pleaded with Covington Catholic High School   to  allow  his
mother, who is a registered sex offender, to attend his graduation  (she
pleaded guilty to third degree rape two years ago for  having  sex  with
one of his classmates).
                                                                [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A new business opened in Louisville called Police Doughnuts (yes, it's a
doughnut shop).
                                                                  [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"I have a little cellulite.  What curvy girl doesn't?"
                                                                              – Kim Kardashian

"I'm having a very good crisis."
                                                    – George Soros

Agnetha Faltskog, 59
Ali MacGraw, 71
Debbie Reynolds, 77
Doris Day, 86
Gale Storm, 87

The Defense Department changed the name of the "Global War
on Terror" to "Overseas Contingency Operation." .  .  .  Barney
Frank called Antonin Scalia a homophobe. . . . The Senate Judi-
ciary Committee took up the issue of determining a college foot-
ball champion. .  .  . A man in Newark, Ohio, was charged with
DUI after crashing his motorized bar stool. . . .  A drive-through
customer discharged a sawed-off shotgun into a  McDonald's  in
Salt Lake City, Utah, after being told the lunch menu was not yet
available. . . .A woman was arrested in Portsmouth, New Hamp-
shire,  for wearing nothing from the waist down  while  picking up
dog feces in an apartment building courtyard. . . . A woman lock-
ed in her car,  electricity not working,  called  911  in Kissimmee,
Florida.  "Are you able to pull the lock up on the door?"  the  dis-
patcher asked,  calmly.  Oh.  .  .  . Morticians in Allendale, South
Carolina, were accused of cutting a 6-foot, 7-inch preacher's legs
to fit a coffin he had pre-ordered. . . . Seven youths were arrested
for arson after posting a video on  YouTube  showing them setting
off Molotov cocktails  in a vacated building in Waterville, Maine -
with rolling credits naming the participants. . . .  A 53-year-old far-
mer in Peru underwent surgery to relieve an 8-day erection, which
was reported not to have been caused by a drug. . . . Michelle O-
bama hugged Queen Elizabeth.

                            [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]