– And now we know why,  as reported in the MSM,  Tiger Woods left his home at 2:30 in the
    morning the day after Thanksgiving and drove into a fire hydrant.    Both headlines above
    appeared in print and on stands in the supermarkets days before the famous golfer had his
    famous "traffic" accident. – Ed.

• Dinner at midnight
• Play with knives
  

Jon Polacheck wrote Sun 22 Nov 2009 @08:54:18 CST re
Kia, the baby girl named after the family car she was born in:

At least the little girl didn't get named Morris or Mini (Minnie?).

A pet monkey reached out of its cage to grab a baby girl's head and
bang it against the monkey bars at the girl's great aunt's home  in La-
Porte (cf. dumb news from Australia, below). . . .

Five police cars crashed in Kokomo in a high speed auto chase rem-
iniscent of The Blues Brothers, led by a 17-year-old California boy.

                                                           [courtesy Associated Press]

There are at least 13 ways to spell Yokum (as in Li'l Abner):  Yoakam,
Yoakem, Yoakum, Yocham, Yochem, Yochim, Yochum, Yocom, Yo-
cum, Yokem, Yokeum, Yokom, and Yokum.

                                         [courtesy Kentucky telephone directories]

We had to go to the world wide web  to  find  persons  named  Yoakim
(mainly in Quebec and California, which make us think the name may be
a variant of Joachim),  Yoakom  (South Carolina  and Kansas),  Yocam
(Minnesota, Florida, Hawaii and all over the West, mainly in Kansas and
Colorado), Yocem (Ohio, Missouri and Texas; and that's not pronouned
ced "yosem"  or "yoatsem" – we called them),  Yochom  (Oklahoma and
Arizona),  and Yokim (mainly in Pennsylvania – maybe that's a variant of
the Pennsylvania Dutch name Yoder).    And there's a Kenneth Yocim in
Cleveland,  Ohio  –  maybe one of our readers should give him a call,  to
find out if that's pronounced Yokum or "yoatsim":  440-356-1121.  Any-
way, that's 20 ways to spell Yokum altogether, if you count Yocim.

And there's a  Matthew Yoeckel  in the Bowling Green, Kentucky,  tele-
phone directory.  Someone should give him a call:  270-796-6605. . . .

Two paid obituaries appeared in the Louisville Courier-Journal for Ver-
sallies R. Hammond, 32  –  or Versellias R. Hammond,  depending  on
the writers,  neither of whom appeared to know how to spell Versailles
(nor, apparently, did his mother, nor the nurse attending his birth).

                                                               [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Arson was suspected in a fire at the home of the Gravel Switch Volun-
teer Fire Department chief.
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

The naked census worker lynched in the Daniel Boone National Forest
with "Fed" scrawled on his chest was ruled a suicide (insurance compa-
nie win again).
                                                  [courtesy Kentucky News Network]

"Sarah Palin's book tour is not about politics.  It's about books."
                                                                                                     – Garrison Keillor

Peruvian police broke up a gang that killed people to extract
human fat for cosmetics production. . . . A poll found that 52
per cent of Republicans believe  ACORN  stole the 2008 e-
lection for President Obama, with 21 per cent undecided. ...
Penguin Press published Denialism, a book by NewYorker
science and health writer Michael Specter. . . .  Detainees in
Iraq  were taunting Wisconsin soldiers  about  Brett  Favre's
play for the  Minnesota  Vikings.  .  .  .  A tooth and the right
thumb and middle finger stolen from Galileo's corpse in 1737
were recovered. .  .  . The Vatican termed the new film New
Moon a "moral vacuum with a deviant message." . . .Nielson
Net Ratings reported that 13 million American women  view
pornography  on  line  each month  (and here's a video inter-
view with a fat broad who admits it). .  .  . A wallaby sprang
from the bushes in Queensland, Australia, took a 2-year-old
girl's head in its mouth,  and pummeled her, with its hind legs.
. . .  A Detroit man executed his 15-year-old son for molest-
ing a 3-year-old sister. . . . Two happy children on an atheist
poster turned out to be the offspring of a Christian evangelist
musician. .  .  .  Lincoln University,  in Oxford,  Pennsylvania,
was withholding diplomas from obese seniors. . . . A woman
was suprised by a 4-foot python in her kitchen  in  Lakebay,
Washington. .  .  . The Tennessee State Capitol, in Nashville,
was  evacuated  by the arrival of an unexpected package for
the Governor with moving  parts inside  (it was destroyed by
a bomb squad,  which found it to contain a mechanical Santa
Claus).
                   [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 15 Nov 2009 @12:02:31 PST:

I nominate Strange Times for the award for the most creative tabloid.

The weekly message on the outdoor sign at the Bible Baptist Church
in Terre Haute read, "Jesus died and rose and lives for you.What did
Allah do?"
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

An ex-con working for a private contractor transporting prisoners from
Murfreesboro,  Tennessee,  to Paducah,  Kentucky,  lodged three male
prisoners at the jail  in  Hopkinsville,  Kentucky,  on the way there,  and
checked into a motel with the one female prisoner in his charge – and he
did the same when he got to Paducah.
                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

"It is a naive man who thinks his daughter has got religion when she
 comes home with a Gideon Bible."
                                                                        – Edwin F. Kagin

Garrick Utley, 70
Dick Cavett, 73
Larry King, 76
Diana Krall, 45

Correction:  Petula Clark turned 77 last week, not 79 (we did the math in our head)

Beijing's Industry and Commerce Administration stopped the
sale  of  "ObaMao"  merchandise  showing President Obama
dressed as a member of the Red Guard. .  .  . The California-
based Cheesecake Factory restaurants  agreed to pay $345,-
000 to six male employees who claimed to have been sexually
harassed by other male employees. . . . Mexicans were send-
ing  "reverse  remittances"  to unemployed relatives in the Uni-
ted States.  .  .  . A goat with six legs, four testicles,  and three
penises got a reprieve from sacrifice in Varanasi,  India.  .  .  .
Kathy Wydareny,  of Anderson,  South Carolina,  heard a big
"whoosh!" in the middle of the night  and  found  a  cow  in her
covered backyard swimming pool. . . . A man in Dayton, Ohi-
o, was indicted for putting an 8-month-old girl and her 2-year-
old brother in a trash bin in a dispute with their mother.  . . .  A
girl born in the family car as it arrived at the hospital  in  Poole,
England,  was named Kia. .  .  . A 15-year-old boy dialed 911
in Buffalo Grove, Illinois,  to  ask  if  his  parents  had  the  right
to take away his Xbox.

                      [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• Coughing fits
• Chest pains
• 25 lb. weight loss
  

• Mary Ann Mobley
  
• Penny Marshall
  
• Dick Van Dyke
• Rue McClanahan
  

Lance Farrell wrote Sun 8 Nov 2009 @14:06:52 GMT:

Yikes, sir!  Your bonus mentions 7.5 million tons of twin towers
steel used in the bow of the USS NY. It is a 24,000-ton vessel,
and 7.5 tons of TT steel was used in the bow's reinforcement.

Bovine TB was detected at deer farms around Brookville, Con-
nersville and Richmond.
                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

A Louisville man lived  with  his  dead  mother  in the house for six
months.
                                        [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

The University of Kentucky warned students of a 5-foot-9, 220-to-
240-pound white man in his mid-20's to early 30's, with short, dark
hair, unshaven face and bad teeth,  wearing a dark,  hooded sweat-
shirt and camouflage hat,  riding a squeaky, light blue bicycle  up  to
women,  and exhibiting "lewd behavior." . . .

A tanker truck overturned on U.S. 460 in Scott County,  spilling 7,-
000  gallons  of Canadian Club whiskey   [yes,  Mr.  Farrell,  7,000
gallons = approximately 54,358 pounds = approximately 27.2 tons]
on its way to the Jim Beam distillery in Frankfort [raising other ques-
tions:  Canadian?  Jim Beam?  Bourbon?  coals?  Newcastle?]

                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"I'm not going to play with toys any more – I have a new toy now."

                – Kordeza Zhelyazkova, 11, of Sliven, Bulgaria, who gave birth on her wedding day

"The world began without the human race, and will certainly end without it."

                – anthropologist Claude Levi-Strauss, who died earlier this month at 100

Patti Page, 82
Bonnie Bramlett, 65
Bonnie Raitt, 60 (a "country singer," according to Famous Birthdays on This Day in History)
Rickie Lee Jones, 55
Lynndie England, 27
    (all November 8)

Petula Clark, 79
Mackenzie Phillips, 50
Lou Ferrigno, 58

Vicki Larrieux, 22, of Portsmouth, England,  who eats only
meat, potatoes, cereal and an occasional apple,  was diag-
nosed with lachanophobia – fear of vegetables, which leave
her sweating and stricken with panic attacks. . . . Investiga-
tors concluded that  Nidal Malik Hasan,  who shot 42 per-
sons at Fort Hood, killing 13, was not a "terrorist" because
he "acted alone"  (John McCain called the shooting an "act
of terror"). . . . Sasha Frere-Jones, popular music critic for
the New Yorker, wrote of the death of hip-hop. . . .A wo-
man in South Korean passed her driving test  on the 950th
try.  .  .  .  A Christian bookstore employee in Simi Valley,
California,  was arrested for placing a hidden camera in the
shop's bathroom.  . . . The Vatican convened a conference
of experts to consider the possibility of  extraterrestrial  life.
. . . An Ohio state trooper honored in 1997 by Mothers A-
gainst Drunk Driving was arrested for DUI (and he refused
a Breathalyzer test). . . .  Surgeons removed 1½ pounds of
nails, coins and copper wire from a man's stomach  in Caja-
marca,  Peru. . . . Four men were arrested for stripping and
bathing at a car wash in Biloela, Queensland, Australia. . . .
Two sanitation workers sifted through  ten  tons  of trash  in
Parsippanny,  New  Jersey,  for Bridget Pericolo's wedding
ring,  which her husband of 55 years, Angelo,  had inadvert-
ently thrown away (yes, they found it). . . .A cell phone user
in Tampa Bay, Florida,  aware that you can still call 911 af-
ter your minutes run out, dialed 911 five times for sex.  .  .  .
The balloon boy's mother was allowed to enter a misdemea-
or plea to falsely reporting an incident,  sparing her the pros-
pect of deportation to Japan. . . . A soldier's father carried a
concealed disassembled shotgun into a middle school in Pine
Plains, New York, assembled it in the boys' room,  and held
the principal hostage for two hours  in an effort to get school
officials to send the media  a  message  about wrongful treat-
ment of military personnel. .  .  . A middle school principal in
Goldsboro,  North Carolina,  offered students 20 bonus test
points for $20 donations, on a recommendation by a parents
advisory council as a way to raise money.

                    [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

"We've got our own dumb stuff."
                                                       – Jeanetta Girard

• Drugs
• Fights
• Jail
• Beats wife?
  

Darcy Stewart wrote Sun 01 Nov 2009 @10:49:19 EST:

Surely last week's edition has to be a re-run of an  "April  Fool"
edition?  I vote it the most unintentionally satirical and ironic yet.

As for "Amtrak misses Cincinnati"?  They didn't miss much.

A herd of pigs tested positive for swine flu, according to the Uni-
ted States Department of Agriculture,  which refused to disclose
where in Indiana. . . .

A truck hauling 1,200 cases of liquor, that was hijacked in down-
town Indianapolis on Halloween,  turned up in Chicago [the news
report did not say whether T-men  were  dispatched  in search of
the ghosts of Al Capone  and Frank Nitti].

                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

The "CHOKE" signature of  a  graffiti  artist  was depicted on the
monthly "Most Wanted" poster distributed by Crime Stoppers of
Indiana.
                                                       [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

A deputy sheriff's car collided with a horse in Marion County (a jail
inmate in the car was injured). . . .

The Amish operator of a horse-drawn buggy in Graves County was
cited for failing to display a slow vehicle emblem after a car rear-en-
ded the buggy and crashed, injuring the driver and a passenger (the
buggy operator and his passenger were not injured). . . .

A prison guard testified to a legislative committee that a riot last sum-
mer, in which six buildings were burned and 16 inmates were injured,
was caused not by gang activity, as reported, but by bad food, which
the guard called "slop."
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"This is a California wildfire and we're having to bring in firemen from New York."

                                                              – U.S. Army Major General Mike Flynn, in Afganistan

"You guys don't need to be dialing 911."

                                            – Jeanetta  Girard,  Tabloid Headlines receptionist,  upon receiving cell
                                               phone calls from the editor and the roving reporter, together on the road

Coco Crisp, 30
Delbert McClinton, 69

The Navy assault ship USS New York, its bow made of 7½ mil-
lion tons of steel from the Twin Towers of the World Trade Cen-
ter, made its debut in New York Harbor.  .  .  .  An Iraqi living in
Phoenix,Arizona, ran over his 20-year-old daughter with an auto-
mobile in an "honor" killing.  .  .  .  Rabbit  tossing  was banned in
New Zealand.  .  .  .  Swedish scientists found that male bedbugs
excrete  a  repellent  when other male bedbugs try to mount them.
.  .  .  A city park sculpture  of an 8-inch girl  with 16-foot breasts
bothered some residents of Foshan City,  China.  .  .  .  A court in
Werl,  Germany,  denied jailed robber Peter Keonig's  request  to
have visitation with his cat, Gisela, who he said was his mother re-
incarnate. . . .A European court ruled that crucifixes in Italy's pub-
lic schools vilolate educational and religious rights. . . .  Hee Ora-
ma, 34, was arrested in Clarksville, Tennessee, for calling 911 re-
peatedly to complain about a man lying to her about marrying her.
. . . A woman called 911 in Neilsville,Wisconsin, to report herself
as a drunk driver (you can listen to this one). . . . A drunk in Port-
land,Oregon, called 911 for help when a friend kicked him out of
his car;  then  the caller walked onto Interstate 5 when help didn't
arrive fast enough (and that got the police attention he sought). ...
A man was arrested for DUI in Salem,  Oregon,  after calling 911
to report a theft of marijuana and other items from his truck. . . .A
$300 fine was imposed on the McDonald's drivethrough customer
in  Aloha,  Oregon,  who called 911 to complain that he didn't get
his orange juice (he said he had a legal right to call the police – this
incident was reported in the May 31 issue of Tabloid Headlines).

                          [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]

• Ruthless
• Cold
• Snobby
  

Terry Crow wrote Sat 24 Oct 2009 @11:09:49 PDT:

I guess the Olympic Committee preferred modern
gang warfare to the historical type Chicago offers.
May the curse of the Billy Goat be upon them.

The University of Kentucky board of trustees voted 16-3  to name the new
men's basketball team dormitory the  Wildcat  Coal  Lodge.  (Coal  moguls
were among the financial contributors.   The faculty representative,  the stu-
dent representative and the staff representative on the board all voted no.) ...

Bob Thompson, former mayor of Lawrenceburg and now a Colonel Sanders
impersonator for KFC ("formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken"),  staged a cam-
paign in costume outside United Nations headquarters in New York  for  ad-
mission of KFC's "Grilled Nation" as the 193rd UN member,  and wound up
in a "photo op"  with Libya's Ali A.Treki,  president of the General Assembly
(photo below). . . .

The captain of  the Belle of Louisville  refused to allow rescue crews to board
the city's  showboat  steamboat  after it collided with a submerged drydock in
the Ohio River,  injuring four passengers.

                                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Editor, Courier-Journal, October 28, 2009: After reading Friday's Dennis the Menace, it occurred to me that Barack Obama's fellow commies in the me- dia are using comics as a tool to remake the U.S. into a Maoist state.   It is obvious that having Dennis "vol- unteer" is the first step toward state-sponsored "activ- ities" for children  and  then  state camp indoctrination. Remember the Khmer Rouge child soldiers? If the ever vigilant Michelle Bachmann is right,  these same camps will later be used  to house all conserva- tives  and Tea Baggers  that are to be rounded up by black  militants  and ACORN activists  for  opposing Dear Leader Obama.   And Dennis spraying water in Mr. Wilson's face?  That's a thinly veiled threat about coming elder euthanasia programs that will be part of Obama's takeover of health care. Wake up, America.  Watch Glenn Beck.  He can ex- plain all of this much better than I can. . . .                                   Gregg A. Hornback, Louisville

[courtesy Courier-Journal]

[or is he pulling our leg?]

"Blue Dogs bark, but never bite."
                                                      – John McCain

"Jump-start your baby."
                                        – Janet Doman,  Institutes for The Achievement of Human Potential

What happened to the subjects on whom pharmaceutical labs tested
preparations A through G?
                                                       [submitted by James Osborne]

Grace Slick, 70
The internet, 40

An employee of a pet store in Lansing, Michigan, stuffed 16
Madagascar  hissing  (and squirming)  cockroaches  into his
mouth in an attempt to set a record for Guinness' book. . . .
A student dressed as a sheep in cotton balls  was set on fire
at a pub in Leeds,  England.  .  .  . Britain's Law Lords were
replaced by a  Supreme  Court  whose  justices  don't  wear
wigs. . . .  The Secret Service asked for a budget increase to
handle the death threats against President Obama. . . . A firm
in New Jersey was making vagina mints. . . . A clerk who uri-
nated on herself at an Albertson's in Marin County,  Californ-
ia, won a $200,000 judgment against the store for its denying
her a bathroom break.  .  .  . Coyotes killed a chick singer hi-
king in a national park in Nova Scotia. .  .  . A wrong number
led to an angry "texting" exchange between strangers and then
to a shooting in Savannah, Georgia. . . .Teens and "tweens" in
an MSNBC poll rated  Miley  Cyrus  the worst celebrity influ-
ence of 2009  –  ahead of Britney Spears, Jon & Kate Gosse-
line,  the balloon boy family,  Kanye West  (and Taylor Swift).
Sarah Palin got a $1.25 million advance for her memoirs. .  .  .
Four teen-agers were cited for disorderly conduct  for rapping
their order at a McDonald's drive-through  in  American Fork,
Utah. . . .  Surgeons removed 78 forks and spoons from a wo-
man's stomach in Rotterdam, the Netherlands.  .  .  .  A wildlife
officer  lost  a  five-foot  alligator  he  brought  to his daughter's
school for "show and tell" in Panama City, Florida.

                       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, AP]