The city of Richmond has barred "sandwich men" except for those with
political or religious messages. . . .

A study at Ball State University in Muncie found that 97 percent of stu-
dents send and receive text messages  and  only 25 per cent use e-mail
or internet "instant messaging." . . .

A court dismissed  voyeurism  charges  against a Fort Wayne man who
used a shoe camera to peer up girls' and women's dresses  at a Castle-
ton mall,  holding that the law applies to peeping inside a dwelling,  not
looking up a skirt in a public place. Four charges of attempted child ex-
ploitation remain. . . .

A Terre Haute woman frustrated by miscarriages  used pillows to main-
tain an appearance of her latest pregnancy and, at term, stabbed a cou-
ple in their home and kidnapped their 1-month-old baby.

                                                              [courtesy Associated Press]

By commercial trickery, including the purchase of a tavern through a
"straw  man,"  the city of Covington converted its last three "topless"
bars to "bikini" bars.
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"I take all responsibility for what happened,  because if a team shows up at such an important
 game, like tonight's game, with terror in their head and heart and in their legs,  and if the team
 is unable to express their abilities, it means the coach did not train the team as he should have
 done psychologically, technically or tactically."

                        – Marcello Lippi, coach of defending World Cup soccer chamption Italy,
                           after Italy's elimination from the World Cup games by Slovakia

"I have no choice but to say it was a disaster.  We have a team of immature spoiled brats and a
 confused coach who has no authority.  What I can't forgive is that they've shattered the dreams
 of millions of children."

                             – French Sports Minister Roselyne Bachelot, after the elimination of
                                previous  runner-up  France  from the World Cup by South Africa,
                                which occurred after the team refused to practice after one of the
                                star players was sent home for cussing out the coach

Cyndi Lauper, 57
Lindsay Wagner, 61
Meryl Streep, 61
Mariette Hartley, 70

The FDA reported that flibanserin, the "female Viagra," makes
women depressed, dizzy, and lightheaded,  but does not affect
their sexual appetite. . . .  A study in France found that fat men
find it easier to find sexual partners than do fat women.  . . .  A
man clad only in underwear mooned Hell's Angels  in  Munich,
threw a puppy at them, and fled on a stolen bulldozer. .  .  .  A
mortician in Findlay, Ohio,  was accused of wearing the jacket
of a deceased man in front of the man's family. . . .  Three chil-
dren were removed from a home in Black River Falls,Wiscon-
sin, in which 100 dead cats were found in a disconnected free-
zer and 17 live cats were found outside the freezer (the mother
said she was targeted for her Wiccan beliefs).  .  .  . A woman
kept 32 cats (four of them dead)  in a Motel 6 room in Colum-
bia, Missouri. .  .  .  A man suffered a scratched knee when the
car he drove around a crossing gate was torn in two by an Am-
trak train going 60 miles an hour in Lapeer,  Michigan.  .  .  .  A
naked woman stole a car in West Valley City, Utah, and then a
police car when police caught up with her. .  .  . A dog ran over
his master in the master's pickup truck in Ridge Manor, Florida.
.  .  .  An Asian carp got through the electric gate and into Lake
Calumet in Chicago, on its way to the Great Lakes.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Tony Dean wrote Fri Jun 18 2010 @12:56 PM to the editors of Scientific American:

                   [Knox County; Tabloid Headlines photo]

Rand Paul, Republican nominee for Senator and "board certified ophthal-
mologist,"  is  certified  not  by  the American Board of Ophthalmologists,
recognized  by the American Medical Association,  but  by  the  National
Board of Ophthalmology,  which he incorporated and heads.

                                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"There isn't enough money in the world to clean up the Gulf of Mexico.  Once BP realizes the
 extent of this, my guess is that they'll panic and go into Chapter 11."
                                                                                                           – oil financier Matt Simmons

"The people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro- South Carolina. The
 people of South Carolina have spoken. We have to be pro- South Carolina."

                            – Alvin Greene, Democrat nominee for Senator from South Carolina, unem-
                               ployed and facing a felony charge of showing pornography to a minor

Robin Tunney, 38
Maddie Aldridge, 2

An 8-year-old boy was sent home from school in Providence,
Rhode Island, for wearing a cap with toy soldiers mounted on
it (they were armed, and that violated the "no weapons" policy.
.  .  . A six-stories-tall "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by light-
ning and burned to the ground  alongside I-75 north of Cincin-
nati,  Ohio.  .  .  .  A couple were married at a Home Depot in
Lake Forest,  California.  .  .  .  Jack Abramoff checked into a
halfway  house.  .  .  .  Customers and employees engaged in a
food fight at a  Wendy's  drive-through  in Kalamazoo,  Michi-
gan.  . . .  A Southwest Airlines worker found several boxes of
human  heads  at the airport in Little Rock,  Arkansas. .  .  .  A
dozen students wore Ku Klux Klan  T-shirts  to the last day of
class at a high school in Galsesville,Wisconsin. . . . The "condi-
ment bandit" was arrested in Boise, Idaho, with a loaded hand-
gun in her car. . . . A homeless man was arrested "on suspicion
of child annoying" for kissing toddlers' foreheads in Santa Cruz,
California.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

• Five-country deal allows Obama's aunt to stay in U.S.
• Obama traded to Canada for President to be named later
• Kenya offers asylum to CEO of British Petroleum

Jon Polacheck wrote Mon 07 Jun 2010 @09:58:59 CDT re last week's
item  "A North Carolina state trooper who trapped,  shot  and killed  his
neighbor's 5-month-old kitten has sued to get his job back":

It doesn't say why he lost his job. Jay Cory wrote Mon 7 Jun 2010 @10:27:55 EDT: I missed the haircut naming but I'd like to weigh in on Liza Mi- nelli. I'd call that fashion "modernistic trashbag." FGDean@aol.com wrote Mon 7 Jun 2010 @10:34:09 PDT: She looks like a dominatrix.

A wedding party bus ran a stoplight in Indianapolis and crashed into
an SUV,  killing  a  groomsman.  Some of the injured were taken to
Methodist  Hospital,  where the wedding was performed outside an
emergency room. . . .

A Delta flight attendant was arrested for bringing a loaded handgun to
Indianapolis International Airport  in  her  carry-on  luggage  (and she
missed her flight).
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A coal truck collided with a church van from Georgia in Whitley Coun-
ty, near the Tennessee border (many injured, none killed).

                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

The Frazier International History Museum, of Louisville,  made the win-
ning bid,  at $37,600,  for the Mary Todd Lincoln insanity commitment
papers.
                                               [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Colorado left the Big 12 conference to go to the Pacific 10, increasing
the latter's membership to 11, and Nebraska left for the Big 10 (which
already has had  11  schools  since Pennsylvania State joined in 1990,
but has not changed its name).    Texas and Oklahoma were expected
to follow Colorado to the Pac 10, and and Oklahoma State, Texas A-
&M and Texas Tech were expected to follow them.  Missouri was ex-
pected to follow Nebraska to the Big 10.

The departures of all of the above would reduce the Big 12 to 4 mem-
bers – Baylor, Iowa State, Kansas and Kansas State – but,  no  need
to change the name:  Did  the Big East  change its name when DePaul
(Chicago),  Marquette (Milwaukee),  Notre Dame (South Bend, Indi-
ana), Cincinnati, Louisville, Pittsburgh and West Virginia joined?

Woe unto the league that loses its  "brand."   At least all the Big "East"
schools are east of the Mississippi River,  and all now and to be in the
"Pacific" "10" are west of the Mississippi.

Boise State bolted the Western Athletic conference  for  the  Mountain
West.
                                                                [courtesy the sports pages]

"After ages during which the earth produced harmless trilobites and butterflies, evolution
 progressed to the point at which it generated Neros, Genghis Khans, and Hitlers.  This,
 however,  is a passing nightmare;  in time the earth will become again incapable of sup-
 porting life, and peace will return."
                                                                                           – Bertrand Russell (1950)

"The last company people in the Gulf want to see go bankrupt is BP .  .  .  half of our fami-
  lies make their living in the Gulf drilling for oil and gas that this country desperately needs."

                                                                           – Senator Mary Landrieu of Louisiana

"Our tourist season has been hurt by the misperception of what's going on down here.  The
 coast is clear.  Come on down."
                                                                      – Governor Haley Barbour of Mississippi

Jarrod Wyatt's haircut is "the rodent"!  The winning entry was submitted by Tracy Col- lins,  who wins a  free subscription  to Tab- loid Headlines. There was a tie for second place,  between Keith Durbin's "Shalom Temple mullet" and B Woods' "dumbchuck."  Both will get two free issues. And two belated nominations came in  from Notty Bumbo (not to be confused with Nat- ty Bumppo), of San Francisco, California: top kill upper mullet Renée  Rich  sent another belated nomina- tion: "Looks like the back end of a puddle."

Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen, 24 (what ever became of them?)
Shia LaBeouf, 24
Johnny Depp, 47
Ally Sheedy, 48
Michael J. Fox, 49
Joey Dee, 70
Bobby Freeman, 70

Times Square bomber Faisal Shahzad  lost his home in Connec- ticut to foreclosure.  . . .  The world's ugliest dog died at 17. . . . Three 14-year-old students were suspended from school in Kit- sap, Washington – a girl who gave a boy a blow job in the back of the bus, the boy,  and another girl who videoed the escapade. . . .  A freshman was identified as "Moe Lester" in a high school yearbook in Rochester, Minnesota. ... The city council of Stras- burg, Virginia, declined to rename the town Stephen Strasburg, after the sensational debut of the new Washington Nationals pit- cher (who is from San Diego, California), but it voted to have a Stephen Strasburg Day  and  give him a "Pride of Strasburg" a- ward. . . . Al and Tipper Gore's eldest child, Karenna, is sepa- rated from her husband,  Andrew Schiff. . . .  A horse she was sedating fell asleep atop a veterinarian in Devonshire,  England (the fire department came to her rescue). . . . A woman dialed 911 five times in Alliance,  Ohio,  looking for a husband  (told by the dispatcher that she could be arrested,  she  said,  "Let's do it"  – and she went to jail for three days). .  .  .  A man was strangled by his pet boa constrictor in Papillon, Nebraska. . . . A hundred professional clowns who perform on buses march- ed through San Salvador in protest  of  two  impostor  clowns who killed a passenger in a robbery. .  .  . High school teacher Michele Taylor was on trial in Yakima, Washington, for sedu- cing 15- and 16-year-old boys.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]

Terry Crow wrote Weds 2 Jun 2010 @13:00:54 PDT:

I was surprised to receive the headlines in advance of Sunday.  However,
since the world will end on July 4,  I am grateful for the additional knowl-
edge.

Lance Farrell wrote Weds 2 Jun 2010 @16:12:36 EDT:

Wow!  You  work  on  these  early.  Did you mean to send it out so soon,
though?

You're welcome to the early prediction.   And,  we're sorry you received this issue
in advance seven times (and will receive it again, seven times more).  The publisher
was scheduled to be on the road this weekend, and the early transmission was a re-
sult of experimentation.You can thank also Windstream.net, Yahoo, Bill Gates, and
Steve Jobs.  The dolts.

Don't forget to vote for the  haircut,  and tell us what you think of Liza Minelli's new
fashion line  (we suspect that the two subjects may be related . . . ).
                                                                                                                – Editor


Patricia M. wrote Thurs 3 Jun 2010 @06:05:18 PDT from San Diego, California:

I vote for the Edmonson County Mohawk.

Liquor stores will have to "card" octogenarians under a new law.

                                                     [courtesy Associated Press]

The rock group Rush told Rand Paul, Republican nominee for Senator,
to quit playing their music at his campaign rallies {"This is not a political
issue," said the lawyer for the Canadian band, "this is a copyright issue").

                                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

"That's too dumb for fun."
                                          – Natty  Bumppo,  Editor,  Tabloid Headlines,  rejec-
                                             ting a headline from the Sun - Weekly World News
                                             ("Foreclosed couple found living in cluttered attic")

"Drill, baby, drill!''
                                – Michael Steele
                                – Sarah Palin
                                – President Obama
                              

Here are the entries: Shalom Temple mullet reverse bun mullet mushroom bun mullet Edmonson County Mohawk Mowhullet dumbchuck rodent conspiracy mop cranial Fu Manchu and one entrant commented, "That's not a haircut – that's just fucked up." Vote for as many as you wish, but if you vote for more than one, please rank them. We will run all the results through Borf's Rapidly Sliding Sigma Scale grinder to maintain the "one man, one vote" principle. Winner gets free subscription.

Jarrod Wyatt California cannibal / axe murderer

Chuck Barris, 81
Dr. Ruth, 82
Boots Randolph, 83
Andy Griffith, 84
Tony Curtis, 85
Charlie Sifford, 88
Earvin Johnson III, 18
Prince Tirso, 8
Countess Leonore, 4

A South African newspaper apologized for a cartoon showing
Muhammad on a psychiatrist's couch saying,  "Other prophets
have followers with a sense of humor!"  .  .  .  The Cambodian
"jungle girl" who spent 20 years living alone in the forest before
being reunited with her family three years ago, at the age of 29,
fled back to the wild. . . . The American Kennel Club admitted
mutts to its dog shows. . . .  A 2-year-old Indonesian addicted
to smoking was propelling himself  on a toy truck because he is
too out of shape to toddle. . . .Scientists reported that male an-
telopes trick females into sex  by  warding off imaginary preda-
tors.  .  .  .  A North Carolina state trooper who trapped,  shot
and killed his neighbor's 5-month-old kitten  has sued to get his
job back. . . . A police dispatcher was fired inWest Allis, Wis-
consin, after posting on Facebook that she was addicted to vi-
codin, adderall,  "quality marijuana,"  absinthe,  and MD 20/20
(she said she was joking).  . . .  A 32-year-old man dialed 911
in  New Port Richey,  Florida,  to have his mother arrested  for
taking his beer away from him  (and  he  was the one arrested).
.  .  . Lightning struck nine persons at the Old Faithful geyser in
Yellowstone National Park. . . . A Swiss court held that Texas
hold 'em is a game of chance, not a game of skill, and therefore
can be promoted only in casinos.  .  .  .  Transsexual men were
exempted from arrest for indecent exposure  for exposing their
breasts at Rehoboth Beach in Delaware.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, Obscure.com, AP]