FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 10/23/11 @11:16 PDT:

"Lynette ('Squeaky') Fromme, 63?"  It may be time to change her nick-
 name to "Croaky."

Stefanie Spikell wrote Sun 10/23/2011 @09:07 PDT:

OK –  I've seen enuf, so you can take me off the list now. Stay in touch
once in awhile, tho.

Stefanie Spikell, Owner
Expert Resumes
www.ExpertResumeWriter.com
916-253-7431 (Pacific Time)

"Spread my name around. I write 'success stories' and I work on referrals."

Gee, you'd think an "expert" might use the accent aigu over the e's in her résumé – and
be able to follow our directions.  We'll print them again, "How to Unsubscribe" – below
(one block up from our signature) – and give her another opportunity to get off our mail-
ing list.  – Editor

Police broke up a pre-dawn performance  by the Greenwood High
School Band outside its assistant director's home, in an annual ritual
celebrating state competition,  after neighbors complained. . . .

A man was  prosecuted for littering  for dropping off Ku Klux Klan
newspapers at businesses in Martinsville. . . .

A  protester was arres- ted  outside  the State- house  for  refusing  to to  take down his large yellow  beach umbrella (but  another  took  his place)  as  Occupy In- dy fizzled in the drizzle. . . . Occupy  Muncie  was unplugged .       [Associated Press]

WISH-TV video

The Harrison County Sheriff, cracking down on an Aryan Brother-
hood circle suspected of multiple burglaries and running a meth lab,
displayed $20,000 worth of stolen rifles, hunting bows, laptops and
cameras.
                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A Butler County man  was  killed  with  an  arrow,  and police sought a
couple driving a black BMW with orange racing stripes. . . .

Two strip miners were killed by a collapsing "highwall" in Ohio County.

                                                                                       [courtesy AP]

The state highway department offered to give away a historic bridge for
free,  in Perry County  (that's where Hazard is,  folks),  on condition the
new owner maintain it somewhere else.

 
                                                   [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

The Louisville Opera was planning to produce The Marriage of Figaro
with accompaniment by two pianos and a harpsichord as  the  Louisville
Orchestra musicians remained without a contract renewal. . . .

A deputy sheriff arrested a motorist on a felony warrant, then let the man
go to his car for identification, then jumped in the car when the man start-
ed the engine, then wrestled with the man for two blocks down the street,
then shot and killed the man. . . .

The University of Louisville beat the University of Pikeville 74-55  in  a
"preseason  exhibition"  basketball  game,  starring a sophomore center
from Senegal.
                                                                  [courtesy Courier-Journal]

"Losing the accent wasn't hard (it's all in the vowels)."
                                                                                    – Bob Edwards, in his mem-
                                                                                       oir "A Voice in the Box"

"Albert Pujols joined Babe Ruth and Jesse Jackson as the only players to hit
 three home runs in a World Series game."
                                                                    – Giles Snyder, National Public Radio news

"Waa . . . waa . . . waa . . . "
                                                – Eleanor Beardsley, Fren-PR

Julia Roberts, 44
Andrea Mitchell, 65
Henry Winkler, 66
Grace Slick, 72
Bill Wyman, 75
Tony Bennett, 85
Nanette Fabray, 91

Stacy  Schuler, a "popu- lar" high school gym tea- cher in suburban Cincin- nati, Ohio, got four years for sleeping with the foot- ball team – well,  not  all of them, but five 17-year- old boys,  all in the same session (her vegan insan- ity defense failed her). . . .

Communist Party U.S.A. and the American Nazi Party supported
Occupy Wall Street. .  .  . The "primacy of being over having" oc-
cupied the Vatican. .  .  . Witches and zombies faced off in Salem,
Massachusetts. . . . Three Marines were imprisoned in San Diego
for entering into fraudulent heterosexual marriages  to get housing-
allowance money for one of the Marines  and  her lesbian partner.
. . .  Patrizia Reggiani, imprisoned 13 years for arranging the mur-
der of her Gucci heir husband,  turned down work release, telling
an Italian court,  "I've never worked in my life." . . . Sixty dancers
dressed up as Elvis left the building in Rochester,  England,  when
a fire alarm went off. .  .  .  Firemen freed a man stuck in a hollow
tree in Laguna Hills,  California. . . . A 5-year-old girl, home from
school to find an empty house in Mansfield, Ohio, backed the car
out of the driveway looking for her mother,  then  called  911  for
help. . . . A man in Hertfordshire called 999 (Britain's 911) mista-
king the moon for a UFO (there's audio). . . . Joe the Plumber de-
clared his candidacy for Congress in Toledo, Ohio. . . .Cher took
offense at her daughter-son Chaz' being likened to  a  penguin  on
Dancing with the Stars. . . . Amy Winehouse died not from detox,
as her father reported, but from drinking too much alcohol, accor-
ding to the coroner. . . .Heinz planned to introduce a new ketchup
– available only to its friends on Facebook.  



                    Mallie's Sports Grill & Bar in Detroit, Mich-
                       igan, created a 338-pound hamburger.

     [courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The sixth game of baseball's World Series was postponed
Wednesday,  four hours before the first pitch,  on account
of  a  forecast  of  rain.  (And, so, we got Glee on TV.  It
did drizzle in St. Louis, but less than 1/10 of an inch of pre-
cipitation was recorded the whole 24 hours.) . . .

The Pittsburgh Steelers' Troy Polamalu  was fined for mak-
ing a cell phone call from the bench during a National Foot-
ball League game.

I am in an awkward social situation.   My 3-year-old daughter and I were
invited to join a group of moms and children  at  a  local  park.  At first,  it
was great; but now the other moms have decided they don't like me. They
don't say it to my face,  and they aren't obviously rude;  but they mostly ig-
nore me when I speak or make curt answers.  I have tried being extra nice,
but I am still treated as an outcast.

My daughter loves playing with the children in this group; and since she does
not get a lot of  social  interaction,  I do not want to take these friendships a-
way from her.  I have considered sitting at a different table, but I'm afraid the
other mothers will think me rude and will then forbid their children from play-
ing with mine or treat my daughter unfairly.  I  know  if  I tell them I think I'm
being treated poorly,  they  will  deny  it.   I am not the first person they have
kicked out of the group.  What do I do?
                                                                                            Socially Inept

Len wrote Sun 10/16/11 @11:24 EDT:

To Unogled, three words:  boob job, tattoo.

Tony Dean wrote Mon 10/17/11 @12:23 CDT  re last
week's item regarding the Massachusetts family that felt
it necessary to call 911 for a rescue from a corn maze:

As a child,  I spent hours walking through corn fields with my
friend David Corpe. We regularly knocked down corn stalks
(until his dad got pissed)  to make forts and rooms and what-
not.  So I know that you can just  pick  a  direction  and walk
straight out.  This family is at risk of winning a Darwin award!

A thief used a crane to lift a 2008 Jeep Wrangler from a car lot in
LaPorte.
                                                       [courtesy Associated Press]

The fund-raising chairwoman of the Letcher County Historical Soci-
ety was trying to raise $84,000 for a bronze statue of her  great  un-
cle,  who  stood  7 feet 9  and weighed more than 500 pounds  (the
county's tourism center already  has  received  a  $10,000  grant  to
determine how much the statue and a visitors center would cost).

                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"We will not allow this day of the Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial to go without
 somebody going to jail."
                                                – Cornel  West,  as he and 18 other persons were arrested
                                                   for unlawful assembly on the steps to the Supreme Court

"I'm troubled by the feeling that this movement [Occupy Wall Street] is far from
 spontaneous and innocuous.  If this group is indicative of the progressive move-
 ment,  the word that comes to mind is 'Beware.'  They have the right to demon-
strate,  and so do we.  Our demonstration will come on Nov. 8 when we vote."

                                   – Mary Ake, of Westfield, Indiana (in a letter to the Indianapolis Star)

"Wow."
               – Hillary Clinton, reacting to a hand-held video of the mortally wounded Muammar Gadhafi

"Do you know right from wrong?"
                                                            – Gadhafi's last words

"I have to do something courageous and epic."
                                                                            – Brandon  Kelly,  explaining his arrest
                                                                               for throwing a hot dog at Tiger Woods

"Lord's Resistance Army are Christians."
                                                                    – Rush Limbaugh

" . . . suffered injuries that were life-taking . . . ."
                                                                            – Quinn Klinefelter, WDET radio, Detroit

" . . . a jubulant crowd of Palestinians . . . ."
                                                                    – Renée Montagne, National Public Radio

Zombies!  Run!

George, Duke of Clarence (1449-1478)
Kim Kardashian, 31
Wynton Marsalis, 50
Pam Dawber, 61
Lynette ("Squeaky") Fromme, 63
Dory Previn, 82 (or 86)

Cindy Sheehan and 18 other persons were arrested  for  unlaw-
ful  assembly  in  Cesar Chavez Park  to  Occupy  Sacramento,
California. .  .  .  Jigme Khesar Namgyal Wangchuck,  the  fifth
Dragon King of Bhutan,  married  Jetsun Pema. . . . A Scottish
research team  found that women on the pill were less satisfied
sexually  when they met their partners  but more satisfied about
nonsexual elements of their relationships  and  stayed in the rela-
tionships longer. .  .  . Lions, tigers, cheetahs, giraffes and bears,
wolves and camels turned loose by their keeper before he com-
mitted suicide were hunted down like animals outside Zanesville,
Ohio. .  .  . President Obama disapproved of his children's wat-
ching the Kardashians. .  .  . Lindsay Lohan's probation was re-
voked because she blew off her "community service" (but she's
out on bail). . . . An unknown actress sued IMDb.com for a mil-
lion dollars for revealing her age. .  .  .  Susan  Sarandon  called
Pope Benedict a Nazi. . . . The world did not end (again).

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

My dad said Uncle Earl was "stump-breaking"  his  mule. What's the stump for?                                    Opie Dear Ope:                     Mules are taller                     than sheep.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 10/9/11 @07:57 PDT:

"The Punishment of Afghanistan" – is that a new
movie?  Who stars in it?

It's an old movie, starring Gen. Petraeus et al.

Oxycodone  dealing   was  alleged  in the deaths of five persons in Laurel, in which David Earl Ison,  46,  of Glenwood,  has been charged with murder.    [courtesy Richmond Palladium-Item] The safety closing of a bridge from Louis- ville, Ky., to New Albany  has dealt a 20 per cent decline in admissions  and an 11 per cent decline in revenue  to  the Horse- shoe Casino, in Harrison County.

Alleged perp [courtesy Associated Press]

Hoosier lottery director Kathryn Densborn resigned in a flap over a $2
million move of her offices into new digs, including $25,000 for an em-
ployees' gym.
                                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

The group Occupy Louisville  received  a  permit  to occupy the city's
Jefferson Square Park.
                                                              [courtesy Courier-Journal]

A Paducah man sued Facebook for tracking his web browsing history,
joining litigants in California, Kansas, and Louisiana who have brought
such suits under federal wiretapping statutes.
                                                                                    [courtesy AP]

"He was impatient with data and mice."
                                                                – Sarah Schlesinger, lab director for the late
                                                                   Nobel medical prize co-winner Dr. Ralph
                                                                   Steinman, who experimented on himself

"Dude, your pants are on fire."
                                                    – a passenger on Northwest Airlines flight 253, over De-
                                                       troit on Christmas Day, 2009, quoted by the first witness
                                                       in the trial of Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab last week

"I know that everything happens for a reason."
                                                                           – Chynna  Phillips,  upon losing out to
                                                                              Nancy Grace on Dancing With the Stars

"What did you want to ask me?"
                                                        – Steve, caller to NPR's Talk of the Nation talk show

It is claimed that you can "Google" an elusive musical
passage on Musipedia:  Just hum a few bars, and it'll
name that tune (but it needs some tweaking).

Tanya Tucker, 53
John Prine, 65
Lacy J. Dalton, 65
Paul Simon, 70
Tim McCarver, 70
Charles Colson, 80
Noah Webster (1758-1843)

Ellen Johnson Sirleaf, the "Iron Lady," and Tawakkol Karman,
the "Iron Woman," shared the Nobel peace prize with Leymah
Gbowee,  whose only known nicknames  are "Red"  and "Pig."
. . .  Dreamgirl's sexy skeleton body suit "Anna Rexia" was still
available on line as a Halloween costume.  . . .  An Englishman
was fined for not removing the garden gnomes from a home he
sold. .  .  . Two  entrants  in a chili-eating contest in Edinburgh,
Scotland,  were hospitalized and  10 dropped out  after seeing
another vomiting and writhing on the floor. . . .  A family lost in
a 7-acre maize maze near Danvers,  Massachusetts,  was res-
cued after calling 911. . . .A Michigan woman sued the distrib-
utors of the movie Drive,  alleging that trailers depicted it as a
chase film and not a brain thriller. . . . A five-foot alligator was
spotted on the shore of a reservoir in Slickville,  Pennsylvania.
.  .  .  Herman  Cain  compared himself to a flavor of Haagen-
Dazs ice cream no longer on the market.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The Chicago Cubs, who have not won baseball's World Se-
ries  since  1908  or  a National League pennant since 1945
with their players, have now pinned their hopes on hiring the
Boston Red Sox' general manager. . . .

                   [courtesy Boston Globe, Chicago Sun-Times]

Both teams' defenses clamped down as Wisconsin, 83-to-20
victor over Indiana in college football last year, beat the Hoo-
siers 57 to 7 yesterday.
                                                                  [courtesy ESPN]

The Ohio State University paid lawyers $141,814.30 for the
defense of football players accused of  violations  of  NCAA
regulations
                .                                                     [courtesy AP]

My husband and I have been married for 21 years, and we
have five wonderful children.  "Tom" is 50;  I am 39.  In the
last few years,  Tom has developed an annoying habit.   He
open ogles attractive women and teen-age girls.  I  can  un-
derstand a glance,  but  he  stares;  and after we pass,  he'll
look over his shoulder for a rear view.

Tom says he finds skinny women  with  large  breasts  and
tattoos a turn-on.  I'm trim,  but I don't look like that;  and
his behavior makes me feel  I'm  not  pretty  enough.  Tom
says  I'm  the one with the problem,  and  that  I'm  jealous
and spoiled.  Is he right?  Do I need to change?

                                            Unhappily Married to an Ogler

                                                                  [courtesy Sun - Weekly World News]

• Mayhem seen as solution to immigration problem
• ‘They can't cross the border if they don't exist'
  

Len wrote Sun 10/2/11 @21:40 EDT:

Dear Jeanetta:

Regarding the "advice" to Pandora in Canada, I do not
find the reply or the context amusing.    To have a child
born with mental or physical abnormalities is a  risk  all
parents face.   Inbreeding increases those chances.   A
responsible person would have advised accordingly, or
defer if unacquainted with an elementary understanding
of genetics.

Gee –  uh –  we'd say we're sorry,  but  –  we don't apologize
fer nothin'!

Here's the type of answer you seem to have in mind,  however,
by Ann Landers' successors, in Annie's Mailbox.   – Editor


Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 10/2/11 @09:24 PDT:

How do you get so much e-mail from characters in W.C.
Fields films?

Like last week's unopened e-mail,  from "Faunie Shildneck" and
"Tatten Aberlather"?   And don't miss this week's,  below.   The
editor and his granddaughters are W.C. Fields' biggest fans.  – Ed.


Connie Harbeson wrote Sun 10/2/11 @12:10 EDT:

And now for Leo's burning issue regarding the Wall Street
revolutionaries: Where do they poop and shower? We are
depending on Tabloid News to – um – unearth the answers.

In the East River, of course.  That's why they took over the Brook-
lyn Bridge.  – Editor


and, Connie wrote:

"SPANISH YARD SALE:"?  I hope Jeanetta went to this
and can report if  (a) it was for non-English speakers only,
(b) only Hispanic tchotchkes were sold,  (c) some real es-
tate in Spain was being auctioned,  or (d) all of the above.

Jeanetta reports that the wording of the ad was merely p.c. for
"Mexican yard sale."  – Editor

A 20-year-old "confused" Saudi passenger, who claimed to
be a student at the University of Indianapolis,  tried to enter
the cockpit  on a flight from New York to Indianapolis  but
was restrained by another passenger.

                                                [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

Senator Richard Lugar's campaign T-shirts bore "made in El
Salvador" tags.
                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

The head of a premature baby decapitated at birth was sutured
back onto the body so the mother could hold  the  whole  child
during two days of grief in a hospital in Louisville.

                                              [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

The University of Kentucky  athletic  department  said it would
no longer make a certain basketball player available to the Lex-
ington Herald-Leader because it edited a question asked of the
student in an interview.
                                                                        [courtesy AP]

A pan-Asian restaurant opened in  Bowling  Green – featuring
Japanese and Vietnamese cuisine, mainly – called the Tsunami.

                                             [a Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

Daviess County, in Indiana, Kentucky and Missouri,  and
Jo Daviess County, in Illinois,  all were named for Col. Jo-
seph Hamilton Daveiss (sic), the United States District At-
torney for Kentucky killed at the Battle of Tippecanoe.  It
is not known why all four states transposed the "e" and the
"i" in Daveiss, which is how the man himself spelled it.  It's
pronounced "Davis," spelled either way.

"Don't blame Wall Street, don't blame the big banks, if you don't have a job and
 you're not rich, blame yourself!   It's not someone's fault if they succeeded;  it is
 someone's fault if they failed."
                                                                                                – Herman Cain

"It'd be like Hitler playing golf with Netanyahu."
                                                                            – Hank Williams Jr., referring to President
                                                                               Obama's outing with John Boehner

"Those damned Mexicans have less respect for human life than Al Qaeda."
                                                                                                                    – Madry Chlopak

"Amanda Knox went free after a jury acquitted she and her former boy friend . . . ."

                                                                        – Jack Speer, National Public Radio news

"A female grizzly bear that fatally mauled a hiker in Yellowstone National Park has been
  euthanized after DNA evidence linked the animal to a second hiker's death."

                                                        – Jim Hawk, NPR news (funny way to spell "executed")

The credit card condom.

Jayne Torvill, 54
Kool of the Gang, 61
The Punishment of Afghanistan, 10

The CIA contractor who got away with shooting two Pakistanis
to death on the streets of Lahore was arrested in a fight  over  a
parking  space  in  Highlands Ranch,  Colorado. . . .  Facebook
formed  a  PAC. .  .  . You could finally get a beer at the annual
Oktoberfest in Cullman,  Alabama (the town voted wet late last
year). . . . A Florida legislator introduced a bill to legalize dwarf
tossing in bars. . . .A man on trial for armed robbery in Franklin,
Tennessee, stole $30,000 worth of merchandise from a jewelry
store during a lunch break. . . .  Amish-on-Amish terrorism visi-
ted  southern  Ohio  as a cult of cast-offs cut off the beards and
hair of their elders.

[courtesy Harper's Weekly, Daily Snopes, MSNBC.com, AP]

The palms of 27 high school football players in Greenfield, Ohio,
were punctured as they shook hands after a game won 26-0 by
the visiting Washington Courthouse team,  one of whose players
was wearing a tack in his glove.

I would like to know the proper way  to dispose of
pain medications when a  loved  one  passes  away.
Recently my sister's friend's husband died of cancer.
Two days later my sister and her friend  were trying
to sell his unused Oxycontin and morphine.  I found
this appalling.

I have read that it is not wise to flush the meds down
the toilet because it affects our  drinking  water.  So,
please tell us the proper way of disposal.  Thanks.

                                              Confused in My State

 Alabama congressman
   enters race for GOP
 presidential nomination

The prize for the closest legitimate rhyme with "pota-
to chips"  goes  to  Dave Surtees  for  "tomato slips."
("Radar blips" lost out in the voting  for lack of a syl-
lable. "Big freighter ships" might have been a conten-
der had it been "old freighter ships.")

The prize for most surprising rhyme goes to Publius
Leget for "false labor trips."

Mr.  Surtees  won the prize for  the  dumbest  rhyme,
"Rock Hudson skips"  (which, in the end, was not dis-
qualified).

Jay Cory won special prizes for his poem and for sub-
mitting the only one-word "potato chips" rhymes:  "A-
pocalypse" and "relationships"  (along with the contest
sample, "dictatorships").

Dave Surtees already won the prize for  most  rhymes
submitted  (seven).   All winners get free subscriptions
to Tabloid Headlines,  and Mr. Surtees and Mr. Cory
get two free subscriptions each,  in  addition,  for their
closest  friends,  for multiple prize-winning entries.

Thanks to all who entered and to all who voted!

Patricia M. Alexander wrote Mon 9/26/11 @15:57 CDT, re "ME-SHELL":

My mother would call my name "Patricia ME SHELL" (Michele) when
she was mad at me.  A Dane, go figure!

A private eye from New York,  hired by the family  to find an Indiana
University co-ed missing since June, called Bloomington's police chief
a "Gomer Pyle." . . .

The bodies of five adults shot to death were found at two different pla-
ces near Laurel,  home of the Holy Roller Rink and the town most like
Kentucky in southeastern Indiana (the murders have not been solved).

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Pipe bombs have been found in five rural mailboxes in and around Al-
exandria, the town most like Laurel, Indiana, in northern Kentucky. . . .

A 21-year-old Bowling Green man was arrested for assaulting a girl
friend  in a fight over his refusal to change his Facebook status  from
"single" to "in a relationship." . . .

Dakota Meyer, the Medal of Honoree from Green County, Kentucky,
decided not to apply for employment with the New York Fire Depart-
ment  after a judge ruled that the application deadline could be extend-
ed for him but not for everyone.
                                                                                     [courtesy AP]

"SPANISH YARD SALE: . . . ."

                                 [classified ad in Edmonson News, Brownsville]

An entrepreneur proposed planting  the  faces  of  famous  Kentuckians
on a 50-foot mountain at the tourist trap known as Cave City  (only 20
miles from the offices of Borf Books) and calling it Kentucky Rushmore.
Candidates on the ballot (you can vote) include Loretta Lynn,  Harland
Sanders and Secretariat  (but not Henry Clay – there is a slot for write-
in votes,  however).  Below are Kentucky faces we think should be on
the mountain.

  
                  "Afternoon in Mackville"  postcard by James Archambeault

The town of Correct, in Ripley County, was originally named Comet,
by William Will,  postmaster at Versailles, the county seat, about 18-
81.   The Post Office Department in Washington, having trouble with
Will's handwriting,  sent him a postcard asking "Comet?" for verifica-
tion; and Will wrote "correct" on the card and sent it back.  It's been
Correct,  Indiana, to this day (but it no longer has a post office).

"The constancy of the speed of light . . . underpins our understanding of space and
  time and causality . . . .  If we do not have causality, we are buggered."

                                – Subir Sarkar, lead particle theory physicist at Oxford University,
                                   warning against a rash assumption that neutrinos recently caught
                                   speeding contradict Einstein's conclusions about the speed of light

"I have been judged guilty without a trial. . . .  I will go to my grave denying the nip slip."

                         – Nancy Grace, re her wardrobe malfunction on Dancing With The Stars

Marilyn McCoo, 68
Johnny Mathis, 76
Jill Corey, 76
Julie Andrews, 76
Elie Wiesel, 83
Jimmy Carter, 87
Martina Hingis, 31
Shaun Cassidy, 53
Sting, 60

As the Occupy Wall Street protest in New York turned vio-
lent,  thousands ran the streets of Salt Lake City in bras and
boxer shorts protesting "Utah's uptight laws"  in what organi-
zers (prohibiting nudity) called  the  Undie Run. . . . Officials
in New York's Chinatown seized a rat poison labeled  "The
cat be unemployed". .  .  . An orange crocodile turned up in
Victoria,  Australia (and you can't blame this colored reptile
on University of Florida football fans). . . . Mei Lan,  the gi-
ant panda born at the Atlanta (Georgia) Zoo last year,  was
"re-sexed."  .  .  .  AK-47's and grenades were given out as
contest prizes to Somali children by Al Shabaab.  . . . After
agreeing to let pop diva Rihanna use his field to shoot a vid-
eo,   an Irish farmer drove up on his tractor to stop produc-
tion when she disrobed. .  .  . Girls 12, 15 and 16  in  Perth,
Australia,  took off in  a  taxi,  the 12-year-old at the wheel,
when their 26-year-old cabbie stopped to buy condoms for
what he expected to be a good time with them. . . . Cornell
University researchers analyzed 500 million  "tweets"  from
2½ million persons in 84 countries  to conclude that people
are happiest early in the morning and late at night.  . . . The
Onion declined to apologize for "tweeting" a Capitol stand-
off  in which schoolchildren were taken hostage  for the na-
tional debt  (and Tabloid Headlines refuses to apologize for
anything). . . . A bear walked into a pizzeria in Whistler Vil-
lage, British Columbia,  ate an entire pizza,  and left without
paying. . . . PETA was offended by a sexy chicken (below).

Two-time 500 Mile Race winner Al Unser Jr. was arrested
for speeding, reckless driving and DUI  (2nd offense)  after
gunning his Chevrolet Suburban to 101 m.p.h. in a highway
drag race near Albuquerque, New Mexico.

I am 67, I'm in very poor health, and I'm the holder of a closely
guarded family secret that I thought I would take  to  my  grave.
My father and my older sister, "Thelma,"  had an incestuous re-
lationship starting when Thelma was 13. When she was a soph-
omore in college,  Thelma became pregnant.   She immediately
threw herself at a fellow student,  "George,"   who was shy and
unpopular.    He was bowled over by the attention of this pretty
girl, and before he knew what was happening they were married.

George was besotted and easily deceived.   He believed their son,
"Rich," was his, and continued to believe that until he passed away,
several years ago. Meanwhile Thelma and my father continued their
relationship unabated until he died.   My mother was aware of what
was going on but chose to ignore it.   She died angry and bitter.

Thelma never told Rich of his parentage. She did, however, discour-
age any serious relationship with a girl.  At age 31 Rich finally found
his soul mate in "Ruth" but didn't marry her  because Thelma did ev-
erything in her power to keep them apart.    Six months ago Thelma
died.   Two months later Rich and Ruth married. Yesterday Rich tel-
ephoned to tell me that he and Ruth are expecting.  He is ecstatic, e-
specially since they are both in their early 40's.

I know Thelma didn't want Rick to have children  for  fear  of  genetic
consequences. Tell me, is the child in danger of being born with mental
or physical abnormalities?    I truly don't want to tell Rich about his ori-
gins,  but I also don't want to subject our family's future generations to
possible genetic problems.   Please tell me I can die peacefully with my
lips still sealed.
                                                                             Pandora in Canada