Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 1/22/12 @12:36 PST:

Edwin Kagin is my new hero. Gotta read his non-holy book fer
shure.  I'd  get  debaptized  'ceptin' I never were baptized in the
first place.

Gary Logsdon wrote Sun 1/22/12 @11:38 CST:

I like Kagin's article!  He is a real pesky gadfly.

Jeanetta the Screaming Baptist wrote Mon 1/23/12 @10:46 CST:

Some of the people Edwin was 'debaptizing' were baptized at birth.
Infant baptism is not necessary. God protects children until they are
old enough to be born again of their own will.  Even the 5-year-old
son of atheists has not left the fold.

Len wrote Sun 1/22/12 @11:14 EST:

Here's my take on the Indiana state senate bill:    If  police  want
to enter your home,  they can do so  ("can"  as  in  "having the a-
bility") – there's  more  of  them,  and they have more and bigger
guns.  If  you  do  not  resist,  your chances of surviving the event
are much improved,  and you can take them to court later.   That
is, of course, if you're not given the label of "terrorist" and thrown
into a hole somewhere. . . .

Monisha Simpson, 32, a South Bend school bus driver,  was arrested for having sex with a 16-year-old boy on the Clay High School football team  (that's  Monisha  in the photo, not the boy).                       [courtesy Associated Press]

A penguin pooped on the floor of the State Senate near the president's
desk. . . .

Kentucky Senator Rand Paul,  son of Republican presidential candidate
Ron Paul, missed a vote on the Senate floor when he was detained by a
metal scanner focusing on his knee at the airport in Nashville, Tennessee,
and refused to submit to a "pat-down." (This incident prompts a Tabloid
Headlines reader  quiz:  What was in or on Senator Paul's knee that set
off the scanner?  The first correct answer will win a  free  subscription  to
Tabloid Headlines. The most amusing answer will win two subscriptions.)

                                                                                         [courtesy AP]


An ocean freighter in the  wrong  channel  brought down a bridge over
Kentucky Lake by striking the one of the spans.

                  [courtesy Courier-Journal (see 10 spectacular photos)]

"How do those people at National Public Radio breathe?  That takes a brain,
 doesn't it?"
                         – Madry Chlopak

"The resolve of the pro-government forces are hardening."
                                                                                            – Deborah  Amos,  NPR  (in a report
                                                                                               headlined on the web "Resolve of Sy-
                                                                                               ria's pro-government forces hardens")
"The memory of his kids haunt him."
                                                            –  Doualy Xaykaothao, NPR

"Window shopping, but ready to buy."
                                                                   – Tamara Keith, NPR

"I strongly believe that science is a powerful way to get at the facts. . . . This is NPR."

                                            – Richard Harris, National Public Radio science correspondent

"Like us on Facebook."
                                            – Barbara Deeb, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.

"These kind of models . . . ."
                                                – Newt Gingrich

"Those kind of bizarre untruths . . . ."
                                                            – Joshua A. Holland, alternet.com

Ray Stevens, 73
Mr. Acker Bilk, 83

 Arizona Governor Brewer gives President a piece of her mind

The captain of the cruiser that ran aground in Italy said he did
not mean to abandon ship but tripped and  fell  into a lifeboat.
.  .  . Rick Santorum's wife was discovered to have had a six-
year affair in her 20's with an abortionist,  who happened also
to be the obstetrician who had delivered her. . . . A Ron Paul
hot-air balloon was brought to earth  after causing a four-mile
traffic jam in South Carolina. . . . Iranian thought police crack-
ed down on the black market trade in Barbie dolls. . . . A co-
ed who began her 21st birthday by tweeting "Thank you God
for another year of life"  collapsed and died  later in the day in
her religion class at Gardner-Webb College in Boiling Springs,
North Carolina. . . .  A Miller’s grizzled langur,  believed to be
extinct, was discovered in eastern Borneo. . . . A Welsh EMT
slapped a patient in the face  and asked her, "Why are you be-
ing such a silly bitch?" . . . A 15-year-old girl called 911 in Pa-
nama City, Florida, to complain about her mother's loud sex in
the bedroom next to hers.  . . .  Newt Gingrich was labeled the
"Angry Stay Puft Marshmallow Man" in a caption in the British
newspaper the Guardian.  .  .  .  A man was arrested in Granite
City, Illinois, in a plot to pin a murder on a rich man's cat by tip-
ping a radio and the cat into the bathtub for electrocution.  .  .  .
A man was found living with 74 cats and a dog in his camper in
Auburn, Washington.



  A pavement sign that was misspelled  "SHCOOI  XNG"  went un-
 reported for months outside the Marta Valle High School in New
 York City's Manhattan borough.

                        [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

Princess the Camel, of New Jersey's Popcorn Park Zoo,
picked the New York Giants to win the Super Bowl.

How do you unfriend someone on Facebook but
remain his or her friend in real life?
                                                              Rebekah

Former  bodyguard  tells all in  proposed  new book

                                                                                                [courtesy National Enquirer]

Stevie wrote Sun 1/15/12 @10:04:26 CST:

Regarding the slavery context  of  math  questions
at Beaver Ridge Elementary School in Georgia, to
bring this up to date, shouldn't it be, in the first ex-
ample,  "If eight Mexicans [not slaves] picked the
oranges equally . . . " and, "If Federico [not Fred-
erick] got two beatings a day . . . " ?  (Deal with it,
Bruce.  You, too, Connie.)

A state senate committee unanimously approved a bill to give people
the right to resist police entering their homes illegally, in response to a
state supreme court ruling to the contrary last year. . . .

State senate bills to restore the one-class high school basketball tour-
nament and require that the National Anthem be sung correctly both
died in committee. . . .

Elkhart canceled its snowman-building contest for lack of snow.

[There's another item of dumb news from Indiana that would be po-
 litically incorrect of us to reprint, but here's a link.]

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

A woman drove away from a liquor store in Lexington leaving her 7-
month-old baby girl in a shopping cart outside.
                                                                                 [courtesy AP]

"The regime did not fall yet."
                                                – Nobel laureate Mohammed el Baradei, announcing
                                                   the end of his candidacy for President of Egypt

"Good luck with your journeys."
                                                        – tattoo on the penis of an Iranian
                                                           that gave him a permanent erection

Paula Deen, 65
Dolly Parton, 66
Muhammad Ali, 70
Edwin Starr, 71
Bobby Goldsboro, 71
Richie Havens, 71
Placido Domingo, 71
Edwin E. (Buzz) Aldrin Jr., 82
Otis Dewey (Slim) Whitman Jr., 88
Betty White, 90
Ray Anthony, 90

High calorie cooking queen Paula Deen confirmed (as report-
ed in the National Enquirer nearly two years ago) that she has
diabetes. . . . Mussels and kelp brought down  a terrorist bar-
rier in Halifax Harbor, Nova Scotia, Canada. .  .  .  Homicide
dropped out of the 15 leading causes of death  in  the  United
States for the first time since 1965.  .  .  .  A man turned in 94
hamsters  to  an  animal  shelter  in Lawrence, Massachusetts,
saying  his apartment was running out of room for them  (they
were  in  good  health). .  .  . Passengers on a British Airways
flight heard an  automated announcement  played in error at 3
a.m. that the plane was about to plunge into the Atlantic Oce-
an. . . . In answer to a lawsuit,  the Tokyo Electric Power Co.
pleaded  that it was not responsible for clean-up from the Fu-
kushima nuclear spill  because the landowners on whom it fell
now own the radioactive contamination. . . . Parents nixed the
nickname Cougars for teams at the new Corner Canyon High
School in Utah. . . . Speaker Ewa Kopacz called the cops on
deputy Janusz Palikot when he announced he would light up a
doobie in the Polish parliament  in a campaign to legalize "soft"
drugs. . . . A homeless man skinned and ate a cat in a Phoenix,
Arizona, warehouse, and made a necklace out of its tail and in-
testines.
                       [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

Cleveland Indians pitcher "Fausto Carmona, 28," was arrest-
ed in his native Dominican Republic as an impostor – it  turns
out he is really Roberto Hernandez Heredia, 31  (it's the sec-
ond  false identity case involving a Dominican player in major
league baseball in four months).

Let me count the reasons:

1. I would never doubt myself.
2. I would know that everyone loved me.
3. I would always love myself.
4. I would be smarter than everyone else.
5. I would be entitled.
6. I would always be self-assured.
7. I would never have to say I'm sorry.
8. I could have my Kate and Edith, too.
9. I could bask in the glow of the media and bash them at the same time.
10. I would never know if I lost.

Why I'd  like to be Newt Gingrich    by TedF

I could bring "all my friends" along when I put forth the prospect of having an open marriage to any of my wives.

Why I'd  like to be Newt Gingrich    by Erika Brady

Because it would be so cool to take the high ground and live in the swamp at the same time.

Why I'd  like to be Newt Gingrich    by J. Ewing

My round head would make people mistake me for Charlie Brown.

I understand  that drain water spirals clockwise in the Southern
Hemisphere and counterclockwise in the Northern Hemisphere
(or vice versa; I forget which is which). In this evil place it spins
sometimes one way, sometimes the other. What are the normal,
usual directions?
                                                                        Dusty Dowser
                                                                        No. 17987053
                                                                        Marlin, Texas

• X-rated on-line chat
• Tells pals, 'I'll make a great mother'
• Has picture of Caylee with Jesus next to her bed
  

Ted Fiskevold wrote Sun 1/8/12 @08:58 CST:

Maundy Monday . . . ou  ooooouuu  . . .
Can’t trust that day . . . ou  ooooouuu  . . .

Terry Crow wrote Sun 1/8/12 @10:24 PST:

Regarding the painting used as toilet paper – was the
picture taken before or after the deed was done?

Jeremy wrote Tues 1/10/12 @12:43 CST re the photo of
3-year-old mother with child in last week's issue:

That's extremely common these days.   I saw a 2-year-old
pushing  a  stroller  down the road in Brownsville  just  last
week. I even asked a teen-ager with a child in town, "How
did that happen?"  She said she did not know.  I thought of
Mary . . . .

If we had given you the  "fine  print"  from the "Gimlet"  (Edmonson
News), you might have concluded that the 3-year-old and the new-
born in the photo were sister and brother.  That was said in the arti-
cle  (which appeared on the "society" page),  but  the  headline with
caption alone left us wondering.  – Editor

A  handcuffed man  managed to climb into the front seat of
a police car in the Porter County town of Kouts and, as he
drove off, radioed headquarters to ask where were the cig-
arette lighter  and a key to the cuffs  (the cruiser was found
submerged in water in LaPorte County,  but  not  the  perp,
who was arrested  two  days  later  at his parents' home  in
Starke County). . . .

A man arrested for DUI and auto theft in Lafayette was ci-
ted  additionally  with  intimidation  for  threatening  to hunt
down the police, their families and their police dogs and eat
them. . . .

A judge approved an in-family adoption for starving horses
seized from a Harrison County barn. . . .

Kenneth Brown was on trial in Indianapolis  for the murder
of  Lashawn  "Sugar  Shizz"  Talbert,  who inspired a dance
made famous in 2008 by University of Kentucky basketball
star John Wall.
                                                [courtesy Associated Press]

State Senator Mike Delph (R-Carmel)   introduced  a  bill to
(a) prohibit schools from opening before Labor Day,  (b) re-
store cursive to the curriculum, and (c) return the high school
basketball tournament to a no-division format (as in the mov-
ie Hoosiers). Now if someone could get him to take up "day-
light saving time" and the Eastern time zone. . . .
                                                                        [courtesy AP]

A state representative proposed a bill to allow schools to sell
advertising on the sides of school buses. . . .

A 3-ton limit imposed on a 1931 bridge over the Tennessee
River in western Kentucky was imposing a 120-mile detour
on semi-trailers  (a new bridge upstream was scheduled for
construction in 2014). . . .

A Henry County man complained that wild hogs  were root-
ing up his farm. . . .

An unidentified Pulaski County man is  a  "person of interest"
in four automobile crashes in two days in and around Somer-
set.
                                                                     [courtesy AP]

"I think time come."
                                    – new Prime Minster Portia Simpson Miller, announ-
                                       cing plans for Jamaica to leave the British Empire

"You know how to make the Jew jealous?  Have some money, honey."

                        – The Rev. Keith Hudson, pop singer Katy Perry's father and an evangelist
                           from Los Angeles, in a sermon at the Church on the Rise in Westlake, Ohio

"I am not an anti-Semite."
                                        – Mr. Hudson,  in an "apology" issued after complaints from
                                           the Simon Wiesenthal Center and the Anti-Defamation League

"Even though this is wrong and it was not a right comment,  he  wasn't
 preaching about Jews; neither was he ranting against Jews. He meant
 to compliment Jewish people's prosperity, and he just went too far."

                                                            – The Rev. Paul Endrei, pastor of the Westlake church

"does any1 know a psychiatrist in dublin or wicklow who could urgently see me today
 please? im really un-well... and in danger."

                                                            – Sinead O'Connor, on Twitter, after a suicide attempt

Hear actor Ben Kingsley stutter in a radio interview.

"Spellcheck" suggested replacing "Mahler" with "Mailer."

Drew Brees, 32
Maureen Dowd, 60
Marjoe Gortner, 71
Faye Dunaway, 71
Jack Jones, 74
Ray Chapman (1891-1920)
Marc Antony (83-30 B.C.)

An 18-month-old child was swept away in a sewer in Bryansk,
Russia, as the sidewalk collapsed under the baby's stroller. . . .
Some parents were upset by the wording of math problems  at
Beaver Ridge Elementary School in  Norcross,  Georgia,  such
as,  "Each  tree  had 56 oranges:  If eight slaves picked them e-
qually,  how much would each slave pick?"  and, "If  Frederick
got two beatings a day,  how many beatings would he get  in  a
week?" ... It was reported that Elin Nordegren's (Tiger Woods'
ex's) $12 million mansion was infested with termites  and  failed
to meet modern hurricane codes. . . . Beezow Doo-Doo Zopit-
tybop-Bop-Bop, 30,  formerly known as Jeffrey Drew Wilsch-
ke, was arrested for probation violation in Madison, Wisconsin.
. . . A previously unnamed species of horsefly was named Scap-
tia beyonceae, for Beyoncé, because of its beautiful golden butt.
.  .  .  Jay-Z and Beyoncé named their baby girl Blue Ivy Carter.
. . . A 5½-foot crocodile wandered into a family's living room in
a suburb of Darwin, Australia. ...  Angelina Jolie called on Pres-
dent Obama  and  CIA director David Petraeus  (Brad  Pitt  ac-
companied her on the White House visit). .  .  .  Just minutes be-
fore the end of Mahler's hour-and-a-half-long Ninth Symphony,
conductor Alan Gilbert  halted  the New York Philharmonic or-
chestra when it was interrupted by a cell phone with a  marimba
ring tone.

Katy Perry's mother, Mary Hudson – an evangelist minis-
ter like Katy's father, Keith Hudson – was reported to be
trying to hook  their  recently  divorced  daughter  up with
Tim Tebow. . . . Kelly Clarkson will sing the National An-
them at the Super Bowl (watch out). . . . The Dallas Mav-
ericks'  Delonte West  said he was barred from the White
House  after a security check  (his teammates will be hon-
ored there in March  as the 2011 National Basketball As-
sociation champions). . . .



                                                [courtesy Funny Times]

So.  We gave up the idea of watching college football
"bowl games" on New Year's Day. There weren't any.
There were games on TV the next day,  but we didn't
watch any of them because  we  did  not  know  what
they meant.

We waited for the "BCS national championship game."
It was on a Monday!  January 9.

But it wasn't on TV.   Only on ESPN.  If anyone knows
who won, please send us a letter and we will publish the
result in next week's issue of Tabloid Headlines,  so you
all will know.  As a public service. . . .

Wait!  It was in the news the next day.  Jeremy  Shelley
kicked five field goals but missed his only extra point at-
tempt as Alabama beat L.S.U. 21-0.

• His lover revealed
• and, he beat Patricia!                                                                                     
  

                                                                                     [courtesy the Globe]

Publius Leget wrote Sun 1 June 2012 @09:07 CST:

Interesting that an issue reporting a state senate bill to sing
the National Anthem correctly should carry  also  an  item
misidentifying June 14 as "Fag Day."

Patricia M. wrote Sun 1/1/12 @07:37 PST:

Fags will be happy to learn about Fag Day.

Our I.T. Department (intentional typos) came up with that one.

We  missed  a few days that needed moving to Monday:  Mardi
Gras (Fat Tuesday), Ash Wednesday, Maundy Thursday (which
ought to be on Maundy anyway), Good Friday,  and Holy Satur-
day.  And Black Friday.

And there are three Friday the 13ths on the 2012 calendar that we
had better move to Mondays.
                                                                                        – Editor


FGDean@aol.com wrote Sun 1/1/12 @11:12 PST:

I applaud the human rights victory implied in the headline
"FAA rules sky-diving sex OK" – but, how do the parti-
cipants achieve the necessary traction?

Police warned people in Huntington and Wells counties to watch out
for cattle after a cattle hauler overturned on I-69. . . .

A burglar left his library card at a home he ransacked in Muncie, and
police tracked him down.
                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

Louisville Orchestra musicians, without work or a contract since last
June,  were  ordered,  on appeal by management,  to give back their
unemployment benefits for being "on strike."

                                                       [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

Forty-one vehicles crashed in a chain reaction pile-up on snowy I-75
south of Cincinnati, Ohio (only eight persons were injured). . . .

A 52-year-old man driving his wheelchair under the influence (accord-
ing to state police)  was killed by a pickup truck on a state highway in
Adair County. . . .

Four raids in the last month on "animal hoarding" houses left the shelter
in Frankfort stuffed with 23 new dog and 60 new cat residents. . . .

A teen-age murder defendant in Covington moved to suppress his con-
fession on the ground he did not know what "attorney" meant when his
Miranda rights were read to him (he did want a lawyer, he said). . . .

Three state parks were offering bison buffets.
                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

Embers removed from a fireplace to assure three girls, aged 7, 7, and
10,  that Santa Claus would not be burned coming down the chimney
started a house fire in Stamford, Connecticut, that killed the three chil-
dren and their grandparents (who were from Kentucky).

                                                                                  [courtesy AP]

"Doctors are waiting with surgical saws, bone cutters, and drills in case your
 fingers need to be amputated."
                                                         – Philippines Asst. Health Secy. Enrique Tayag,  as 197
                                                            persons were injured by powerful New Year fireworks

"It's a bit difficult to explain this . . . using the law of probabilities."

                                        – Hugo  Chavez,  speculating on the cause of his cancer and
                                           those of three other leftist Latin American presidents (see below)

Answer to last week's riddle, "Ugly people do not call beautiful people ugly, so –
why do dumb people call smart people dumb?"

"Ugly people are not stupid."
                                                – Madry Chlopak

"Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney  has  been  considered
 a front runner in this race since before the campaign began,  yet  at the
 end of voting yesterday he did no better than he had four years earlier."

                                                            – Linda Wertheimer, National Public Radio

                                                               [Editor's  note:  This statement was made without
                                                                qualification the morning after the Iowa caucuses
                                                                for the Republican presidential nomination.  Rom-
                                                                ney won  about  25  per cent  of the votes in both
                                                                2008 and 2012 (a little over in 2008, a little under
                                                                in 2012), but he came in first this year, eight votes
                                                                ahead of Rick Santorum,  and placed second four
                                                                years ago, 10,933 votes behind Mike Huckabee.]

"Three out of four Republicans rejected him."
                                                                        – Newt Gingrich

"We're the kind of candidate that the people
 of New Hampshire can rally behind."
                                                                        – Rick Santorum

Running this thing through "spellcheck" this morning, as we always
do  before we transmit it to the world,  we were asked if by "San-
torum" we meant to type "sanatorium,"  and if by "Huckabee," we
meant "huckster." And the app seemed not to have heard of Mun-
cie, Indiana, either.  Did we mean the "munchies"?

Marilyn Manson, 43
David Bowie, 65
Yvette Mimieux, 70
Freb Cood, 73
Gene Freese, 76
Elvis Presley, 77
E. L. Doctorow, 81
Don Shula, 82
Earl Scruggs, 88
Sun Myung Moon, 92

An 8-foot wooden sardine was dropped on downtown Eastport,
Maine,  to ring in the new year. . . . For the second year in a row
(and  as surely as the swallows return to Capistrano),  blackbirds
fell dead on Beebe, Arkansas, on New Year's Eve (initial reports
said thousands, like a year ago, but the estimate was later revised
to about a hundred). . . . PETA petitioned the Illinois Department
of Transportation for roadside memorials for cattle killed in traffic
accidents near Cambridge and Chicago. .  .  . A cat that survived
two  trips  to the gas chamber at an animal shelter in West Valley
City, Utah, was adopted. . . . Venezuela President Hugo Chavez
said the United States may have given cancer to him,  and also to
presidents Cristina Fernández de Kirchner, of Argentina, Fernan-
do Lugo,  of Paraguay,  and Dilma Rousseff,  of Brazil.  . . . Car-
men Tisch, 36,  pulled her pants down and rubbed her butt up a-
gainst Clifford Styll's painting "1957-J no.2" at a museum in Den-
ver, Colorado.

                              [courtesy Harper's Weekly, MSNBC.com, AP]

Melinda  Arnold,  of Melbourne, Australia,  was born without a
uterus and received a uterus transplant from her mother.  Here's
the quiz (all correct answers will be rewarded with free subscrip-
tions to Tabloid Headlines):

1. What will be the relationship of Melinda to her children?
2. What will be the children's relationship to Melinda's mother?

                                                                  [courtesy Funny Times]

Whenever we heard a story about a man beating his children or
murdering his family,  my father would say, "I could be worse."
He never hit my mother or me.   He never raped me.   But  my
father  is  a  narcissist – controlling, vain, volatile, and charming.
My mother is still trying to fix things between us.    It's  hard  to
explain to her  that I really don't feel anything for him any more.
My father and I will never have a good relationship.   But  is  it
right for me to sever it completely?
                                                                    Could Be Worse

The Waltons & Little House on the Prairie
    SHOCKING SCANDALS
           Former child stars expose abuse

• Brother cited for striking police horse in mob incident
  
• Sister's in-laws convicted of DUI, battery and shoplifting
  

Lance Farrell wrote Sun 12/25/11 @08:41 EST:

Did the church sign read "Is God Is Dead"?  TabHeads did not
say; yet it was written that way.

Did you catch the story that charity giving is up among Atheists?
I wonder if Cal Thomas heard?

Not to be confused with "Atheists giving up," right?

The photo of the church with a body  bag  in the manger was a Tabloid
Headlines "exclusive," and we wrote the headline – it was sort of a play
on the famous April 8, 1966, Time magazine cover and ensuing  hoopla.
We hoped the headline would sound poetic.
                                                                                                – Editor

State Senator Vaneta Becker, of Evansville,  introduced a bill to
require that the National Anthem be sung the right way at public
schools and universities. . . .

Two women, 25 and 38, were arrested for making phony claims
as victims of the State Fair stage collapse. . . .

Seven  baby  Jesuses  stolen from home Nativity scenes in Fort
Branch  were  found  arranged neatly on the steps of the Gibson
County town's public library. . . .

One Alzheimer's patient  murdered  another  with her hands at a
Fort Wayne nursing home. . . .

A 39-year-old male baby sitter chopped up a 9-year-old girl in a
Fort Wayne trailer park and stuffed her parts in freezer bags (this
sound clip may help if you need an explanation for such behavior).

                                                            [courtesy Associated Press]

The Sunday edition of the Park City Daily News (of Bowling Green)
lists 63 local "support" groups,  from Adoption to Women in Recov-
ery (none for Zodiac) – with Gastric Bypass and Grief smack dab in
the middle.
                                                                         [courtesy Daily News]

"Some parents watching Dancing with the Stars were worried they wouldn't
 be able to explain Chaz Bono to their kids. If you can explain Nancy Grace,
 you can explain anything."
                                                                        – screen writer John Ridley

"Ugly people do not call beautiful people ugly; so –
  why do dumb people call smart people dumb?"
                                                                                – Madry Chlopak (it's a riddle; answer next week)

"New data this season shows just the opposite."
                                                                               – Tovia Smith, National Public Radio news

"The data isn't in."
                                – Howard Berkes, National Public Radio news


[NPR anchor Linda Wertheimer got it right:  "New data show cod as dangerously overfished."]

Laila Ali, 34
A. J. Pierzynski, 35
Tiger Woods, 36
Tracey Ullman, 52
Donna Summer, 63
Patti Smith, 65
Edgar Winter, 65
Country Joe McDonald, 70
Mary Tyler Moore, 75
Maggie Smith, 77
Umm Kulthum (1898 [or 1904] -1975)

A lamb was born on Christmas Eve in the Nativity scene at
Krohn Conservatory in Cincinnati, Ohio. .  .  . Four teen-a-
gers were arrested for burglary in Pittsburgh,  Pennsylvania,
after the ringleader posted Facebook photos of them  mug-
ging with the loot. . . . An adultery web site endorsed Newt
Gingrich for President. . . . A woman called 911 from a mo-
tel in Fort Pierce, Florida, to report she had eaten too much.
. . . Procol Harum Boko Haram struck again in Nigeria. . . .
A genealogy web site reported that one of every 100 British
was related to a pirate. . . . Sears Holding Corp. announced
after a poor holiday shopping season it would close as many
as 120 Sears and K-Mart stores.  . . . Tuba thieves hit three
high schools in Los Angeles County,  California,  making off
with three concert tubas and ten sousaphones worth several
thousand dollars apiece. . . . Sinead O'Connor's fourth mar-
riage ended after 16 days. . . .A Czech was arrested in Bue-
nos Aires,  Argentina,  attempting to board a plane with 247
snakes in his luggage. . . . Samoa and the New Zealand terri-
tory of Tokelau  leapt  Friday  to leap to the west side of the
International  Date  Line  (and were the first to celebrate the
new year this morning). .  .  .  A 99-year-old Italian sued his
96-year-old wife for dissolution of their 77-year marriage af-
ter finding evidence of an affair she had more than 60 years a-
go. . . . "Amazing," "baby bump" and "occupy"  were  among
words and phrases banned for misuse and overuse in  an  an-
nual  list compiled by Lake Superior State University of Mich-
igan. . . . A wealthy couple evaded China's one child per fam-
ily policy by engineering octuplets with in vitro fertilization and
two surrogate mothers (each of whom gave birth to triplets as
the nominal mom gave birth to twins). . . .Sarah Palin wonder-
ed why the Obama Christmas card (below)  featured the First
Dog  and not "faith, family and freedom."

          

It's  New Year's Day,  and there are no college football games.  None.
Even though there are now  35  postseason "bowl" games,  there is not
one on New Year's Day.  No Sugar Bowl,  no Cotton Bowl,  no Rose
Bowl,  not even a Bertie's of Brownsville, Ky., Hamburger Stand Bowl
(and, no, Virginia, there will not even be a Tournament of Roses parade
today in Pasadena, California).

Elvis' and the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.'s birthdays,  Jan. 8 and 15,
respectively, both will fall on Sundays this year – let's be sure to celebrate
them on Mondays,  Jan. 9 and 16.  Ground Hog Day, Feb. 2,  will fall on
Thursday – let's celebrate it on Monday  (Jan. 30 or Feb. 6, choose one).
Washington's really birthday, Feb. 11, will fall on Saturday,  and his tradi-
tional birthday,  Feb. 22,  will fall on Wednesday – let's celebrate both on
Monday, Feb. 20, "Presidents Day." Valentine's Day, Feb. 14, will fall on
Tuesday – we can move it up to Monday, the 13th.

St. Patrick's Day, March 17, will fall on a Saturday; April Fools Day, on a
Sunday;  Memorial Day, on a Wednesday;  Fag Day, June 14, on a Thurs-
day, and the 4th of July, on Wednesday.  If we move them all to Mondays,
April Fools and July 4 both will fall on the 2nd.

Labor Day always falls on a Monday; but Harvest Moon  doesn't – it falls on
a Saturday this year, Sept. 29.  Let's move it to Monday,  Oct. 1.  Three full
moons will fall on Mondays this year – Jan. 9, June 4, and Oct. 29  (Hunter's
Moon), but we need to move eight more to Mondays, including a Blue Moon
now scheduled for Saturday, Aug. 31  (then it would not be a blue moon, but
Hunter's Moon would,  since moving Harvest Moon to Oct. 1 would put it in
the same month).

Along with both equinoxes and both solstices.  And Halloween, from Wednes-
day, Oct. 31,  to Monday, Oct. 29.  Columbus Day, Oct. 12, falls on a Friday
this year – do we move it to Monday, Oct. 8, or Monday, Oct. 15? (our bank
calendar says the 8th).

Armistice ("Veterans") Day,  11th hour, 11th day, 11th month,  Sunday  this  year
– let's make it Monday, Nov.12 (at noon –or maybe December 12 at noon –nah
–that would put it on a Wednesday).  And who came up with the ridiculous notion
to celebrate Thanksgiving on a Thursday every year?  The Pilgrims? Who wants to
watch the Detroit Lions on a Thursday morning?  Make it Monday, Nov. 26.  And
if we celebrate Christmas on Dec. 24  and New Year's Day 2013 on Dec. 31, 20-
12, we can double-dip or skip for Christmas and New Year's Eves, both Mondays.

And don't forget  – Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Palm Sunday and Easter – put 'em
all on Mondays this year.  And all with bowl games.

Suzi  Quatro  (colon  cleanser  will clear your throat),  Michele Bach-
mann (HPV vaccine will retard your child),  and Jersey Shore Snooki
("I don't really like the beach – I hate sharks, and the water's all whale
sperm – that's why the ocean's salty")  were  declared  "bad  scientists
of 2011."
                                                                                [courtesy Reuters]

    

Ever since my Grandma died,  I've had to buy my
own socks and underwear.  What's up with that?

                                                                    Steve