July 30, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the counter in the supermarket
– the week's headlines
:

Kelly Ripa & Megyn Kelly nasty feud explodes (Enquirer); Queen names William King (Examiner); Kim Kardasian caught on drug video (Enquirer); Judge Judy secrets & lies (Examiner); Trump family secrets & lies (People)
Kelly Ripa & Megyn Kelly nasty feud explodes (Enquirer); Queen names William King (Examiner); Kim Kardasian caught on drug video (Enquirer); Judge Judy secrets & lies (Examiner); Trump family secrets & lies (People)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:

J. Ewing wrote Sun 7/23/17 @09:08 EDT:

Er – that Edmonson County lawyer – ahem
was disciplined for being a lousy shot?   Or
something about not having the proper code
enforcement  /  building  permit  paperwork
needed for repair / remodeling of his dwell-
ing?
The disciplined lawyer thanks you for your inter-
est.  It was a "private admonition,"  and he asked
us  to  post  it,  along with his proposed response.
He said he'd like our readers to  weigh  in  on the
propriety of his response.    – Editor

Editorial:
When will women's lib  and the rest of the "politi-
cally correct"  sic the newspapers whose obituary
headlines chronicle a woman's marital history but
not  a  man's? – e.g.,  "Betty Louise Stigall Sellers
Boggs Marlow, 69," in a recent edition of the Lou-
isville Courier-Journal.


betsy.jpg Dumb news from Minneapolis, Minnesota: Mayor (ditz) Besty Hodges, not real clear in the concept (or about anything); Police chief (clueless), Janée Harteau; Shot (dead), Justine Damond; Fiancé, Don Damond; Shooter, Mohammed Noor; So, did Noor shoot the little lady because she was blonde and hot, and he wanted her for himself, or because he was Muslim and could not desire her? Warning: Twin Cities police easily startled (new street signs)
betsy.jpg Dumb news from Minneapolis, Minnesota: Mayor (ditz) Besty Hodges, not real clear in the concept (or about anything); Police chief (clueless), Janée Harteau; Shot (dead), Justine Damond; Fiancé, Don Damond; Shooter, Mohammed Noor; So, did Noor shoot the little lady because she was blonde and hot, and he wanted her for himself, or because he was Muslim and could not desire her? Warning: Twin Cities police easily startled (new street signs)


Unisex name of the week:  Marie.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Twenty-one dogs were ordered returned to  an  Evansville
animal sanctuary operator from whom 70 were seized and
who pleaded guilty to animal cruelty,  explaining  that she
had an ill husband to care for also. . . .

A 21-year-old man pleaded guilty to assault and battery in
Columbus for up to 6 years in prison  for hurling chairs in
an earlier court appearance,  one of which hit the prosecu-
tor (and another of which missed the judge). . . .

The eight Clinkenbeard siblings of Freelandville, near Vin-
cennes,  have chalked up 448 years of marriage,  combined
(without divorce reported among any of them). . . .

An 80-year-old man was sentenced to 12 years in prison for
punching a policeman who stopped him  from  approaching
kidnapping survivor Elizabeth Smart with a knife  at a book
signing in Terre Haute. . . .

Archaeologists excavated 17 pioneer graves in Clarksville
to make way for
a road being widened. . . .

New rules in Elkhart prohibit food truck parking in angled
and perpendicular spaces.
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

bettyjoc.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Betty Jo Crawford, BF, 5'2", 150 lbs, theft (she's grown some hair and gained 10 pounds since we last saw her); Glenda Nelson, BF, 5'6", 155 lbs, prescription forgery; Alexis Wecht, WF, 5'2", 160 lbs, assisting a criminal; Berrien County, Michigan's: Janelle Helen Tipton, WF, larceny of a credit card; Kristle Raquelle Davis, BF, domestic violence, 3rd off.; Jessica Renée Thomas, BF, domestic violence, 3rd off., assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
bettyjoc.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Betty Jo Crawford, BF, 5'2", 150 lbs, theft (she's grown some hair and gained 10 pounds since we last saw her); Glenda Nelson, BF, 5'6", 155 lbs, prescription forgery; Alexis Wecht, WF, 5'2", 160 lbs, assisting a criminal; Berrien County, Michigan's: Janelle Helen Tipton, WF, larceny of a credit card; Kristle Raquelle Davis, BF, domestic violence, 3rd off.; Jessica Renée Thomas, BF, domestic violence, 3rd off., assault with a dangerous weapon (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Gallatin County School Board member was removed by
a judge for not having a high school diploma.

                                    [courtesy Lexington Herald-Leader]

A  mistrial  was declared in the trial of a former Protestant
pastor
for child sex abuse in Louisville.

                                                   [courtesy Courier-Journal]

Johnny Depp, a native of Owensboro, Ky., is a great-grand-
son of Effie Depp, who was a paternal aunt of the late Ken-
tucky Chief Justice John Palmore  (deceased  July 4,  2017,
at age 99).  Let's see (1, 2, 3, minus 2½, divided by 6),  this
means that the Hon. Justice Palmore and Johnny Depp were
first cousins twice removed.  Did we  get  that   right?  This
question will appear on your next IQ test.

                                         [courtesy Barren County Progress]

OB/GYN Amanda Hess delivered a baby to Leah Johnson at
a Frankfort hospital, then minutes later had her own baby. . . .

Children will return to school Tuesday in Frankfort (Wednes-
day in Edmonson County).
                                                                                    [LEX18]
brandart.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brandi Zeigler, WF, 32, 5'4", 150 lbs, disorderly; Courtney Bailey, WF, 28, 5'2", 120 lbs, not exactly kempt; Arthur Hellebusch [apprehended', WM, 35, 6'0", "featured fugitive of the week," sexual abuse 1st degree (victim under 12) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
brandart.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Brandi Zeigler, WF, 32, 5'4", 150 lbs, disorderly; Courtney Bailey, WF, 28, 5'2", 120 lbs, not exactly kempt; Arthur Hellebusch [apprehended', WM, 35, 6'0", "featured fugitive of the week," sexual abuse 1st degree (victim under 12) (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotations of the week:

        "One hundred years ago."
                                                     Juan Carlos Varela, president of Panama, in reply to U.S. President Trump's
                                                        boast about what a good job "we" did building the Panama Canal

        "God created everyone with a beard."
                                                                         
Metropolitan Kornily, Primate of the Russian Orthodox
                                                                             Old Believer Church, adding that men should avoid the
                                                                             razor "to protect themselves from homosexuality"
      
Quotations of the weak:
                                            "18-year-old records sister's death live on Instagram."
                                                                                                                                        Google News


                                                                          [
unclear,   apparently,  on the concept:  Let's think about it:  " . . .
                                                                          
sister's death live . . . sister's death live . . . sister's death live . . ."]

            "So . . . and so . . . .  What they're looking for here is money . . . that eventually would have went to Paul
              Manafort . . . and he didn't know where that money had went."
                                                                                                                          Chad Day, Associated Press
            "Samantha Hunt's first book of short stories are fantastic."
                                                                                                                   – Scott Simon, National Public Radio
            "They were the one person selected . . . ."
                                                                                    J-Lo, speaking of her sister's snaughter* Brendan
                * "snaughter" = an offspring of uncer-
                     tain, unknown or unimportant sex.
                     The proper
relevant pronoun there-
                     for is "s/he," not "they."    – Editor

Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                         "Exactly. . . .  That's right."

                                                                                                           –
Shankar Vedantam
Tweetations (Twitter utterances) of the week:
                                                                            "Pardon me.  Thank you.  Don't mind if I do."

                                                                            "You're fired."
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Gossip?  There's no such thing!  It's news!"
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Kentucky Breakfast Stout (brewed in Michigan).



Numerical palindromes:

     Perhaps you have noticed that
     25 and 52 are  numerical  pal-
     indromes  in   certain   digital
     clock fonts.

     Ditto 69 and 96,  but  they  in
     almost any font.
pali2552.jpg

pali6996.jpg

Birthdays:
                    July 24:  Nate Bump, 41
                                   J-Lo, 48
                                   Kristin Chenoweth, 49
                                   Pat Oliphant, 82
                                   William "Bill the Butcher" Poole (1821-1855)
                    July 25:  Louise Brown, 39
                                   Alfonso the Conqueror (1109-1185)
                    July 26:  Mick Jagger, 74
                                   Mary Jo Kopechne (1940-1969)
                    July 27:  Maureen McGovern, 68
                                   Bobbie Gentry, 73
                                   Norman Lear, 95
                    July 28:  Vida Blue, 68
                                   Sally Struthers, 70
                                   Alberto Fujimori, 79
                    July 29:  Martina McBride, 51
                                   Elizabeth Dole, 81
                                   Nancy Landon Kassebaum, 85
                    July 30:  Paul Anka, 76
                                   Buddy Guy, 81

Deaths:
                Barbara Sinatra, 90
                Charley Gard, 7 days shy of 1 year
                Evangelist Lether R. Pasley, 79
                Fredia Shirley, 70
                Zadie Siddens, 77
               
Ramae Darling Beedle "Nanny" Volz, 84
                                                                                        [Louisville Courier-Journal]

      joterron.jpg Wanted in Waco: Joseph Betros, WM, 31, 5'5", 180 lbs, probation violation, dangerous drugs; Terron Nicole Millsap, WF, 32, 5'5", 155 lbs, probation violation, possession of meth; Michael David Witt, WM, 61, 6'0", 210 lbs, theft from elderly, probation violation (Waco Crime Stoppers)
joterron.jpg Wanted in Waco: Joseph Betros, WM, 31, 5'5", 180 lbs, probation violation, dangerous drugs; Terron Nicole Millsap, WF, 32, 5'5", 155 lbs, probation violation, possession of meth; Michael David Witt, WM, 61, 6'0", 210 lbs, theft from elderly, probation violation (Waco Crime Stoppers)

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A man was arrested in Monterey Park, California, for smuggling three
king cobra snakes into the country from Hong Kong, shipped to him in
potato chip canisters (along with three albino Chinese soft-shell turtles
– a search of his home turned up  a baby Morelet's crocodile,  alligator
snapping turtles, a common snapping turtle and five diamond-back ter-
rapins also). . . .A dump truck carrying bread dough in the hot summer
sun oozed its load on I-5 near Tacoma, Washington;  and another truck
spilled 7,500 pounds of  slime  eels  on a highway in Oregon.  . . . Two
brothers wearing Donald Trump masks  were arrested for breaking into
ATM's in Turin, Italy. . . . The  "Fireball"  threw passengers 30 feet into
the air at the  Ohio  State  Fair,  killing an 18-year-old man and injuring
seven  other  riders  (so Governor John Kasich shut down all the merry-
go-rounds  –  and,  isn't the "Fireball" merely an update of what used to
be called the  "Pendulum,"  and what we called the "Egg Beater"?). . . .
Energy secretary Rick Perry took a phone call in which he discussed the
scientific development of making fuel from pig manure  and moonshine
with a caller he thought was the Ukrainian prime minister but turned out
to be Russian pranksters.
                                                                 [courtesy LEX18MSNBC, AP]

       marquail.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Christopher E. English, WM, 37, a/k/a Sleep, a/k/a Tommy Boy, 5'9", 210 lbs, tattoos face, head, neck, both arms, both legs, stomach, chest, LSD (or smtg. like it); Marquail Dezon Brown, BM, 25, 6'3", 206 lbs, tattoos both arms, chest, distribution of marijuana, no tax stamp; Roger Michael Rogers, WM, 57, 5'11", 160 lbs, criminal threat (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
kaytanja.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas): Kay Lynn Martin, 30, blonde, green eyes, 115 lbs, 5'6", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance pg1 o/1g - u/4g; tanja McGee Green, 42, black hair, brown eyes, 180 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft of property $1,500 with 2 or more previous convictions
marquail.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Christopher E. English, WM, 37, a/k/a Sleep, a/k/a Tommy Boy, 5'9", 210 lbs, tattoos face, head, neck, both arms, both legs, stomach, chest, LSD (or smtg. like it); Marquail Dezon Brown, BM, 25, 6'3", 206 lbs, tattoos both arms, chest, distribution of marijuana, no tax stamp; Roger Michael Rogers, WM, 57, 5'11", 160 lbs, criminal threat (Sedgwick County Sheriff); kaytanja.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week, Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas (not Wichita, Kansas): Kay Lynn Martin, 30, blonde, green eyes, 115 lbs, 5'6", bond revocation, possession of controlled substance pg1 o/1g - u/4g; tanja McGee Green, 42, black hair, brown eyes, 180 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft of property $1,500 with 2 or more previous convictions

Dear Eleanor:
I'm planning to travel to another state in September and
trying to save up for the plane ticket.  The  issue  is,  I'll
be gone during my birthday.   I'd like my family to help
me with the cost of the trip instead of buying me gifts.

How do I go about telling them?
                                                                    Little Chippie
Dear Chippie:
                            This is easy.  Set up a GoFundMe account and
                            have it e-mail all your friends and relatives. If
                            some are so rude as to give you  "things"  any-
                            way,  just peddle them at a flea market or yard
                            sale.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "sylambrose@southamptonschools.net"
        ti
tled "Tiedens and Fragle 2003 found that hierarchical differentiation!"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Diaa Hadid.


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

 
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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   270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



July 23, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the counter  in  the  supermarket
– the week's headlines
(all this week courtesy the Globe except the Jim-
my Carter headline, at the bottom, courtesy the Onion):


Arrests to be made after 20 years, JonBenet murder finally solved, killer doing time for 3 sex crimes and is immune from prosecution; Natalie Wood raped before being thrown overboard; TV hosts from Hell: Kathie Lee, booze, betrayal, boredom, Larry King, wolf in suspenders, Ellen, the Queen of Mean; New clinical test, How to tell if your husband is a psychopath (all Globe); Habitat for Humanity worker, 92, collapses (Onion)
Arrests to be made after 20 years, JonBenet murder finally solved, killer doing time for 3 sex crimes and is immune from prosecution; Natalie Wood raped before being thrown overboard; TV hosts from Hell: Kathie Lee, booze, betrayal, boredom, Larry King, wolf in suspenders, Ellen, the Queen of Mean; New clinical test, How to tell if your husband is a psychopath (all Globe); Habitat for Humanity worker, 92, collapses (Onion)


globeupf.jpg Globe Up front and personal: The best celeb photos every week: Good golly, Miss Molly!; Wayne Newton, Then, Now; Gee whiz!
globeupf.jpg Globe Up front and personal: The best celeb photos every week: Good golly, Miss Molly!; Wayne Newton, Then, Now; Gee whiz!
                                                   If you're having trouble with the fine print, it's "Former teen queen Molly
                                                   Ringwald has seen a lot more than Sixteen Candles and, sadly, it shows";
                                                   "EEW-LA-LA Rocker Debbie Harry,  of  Blondie,  plays the Goth cheer-
                                                   leader on stage in Paris"; "Actor Shia LaBeouf is too rude – as he sneaks
                                                   a not-so-sly pee on a movie set," and "Oh, my Gawd! Dowdy Marisa To-
                                                   mei dons a fanny pack to finish off her fashion faux pas."


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Sun 7/16/17 @07:53 CDT:
What was wrong with what Windsor Johnston said?
windsorj.jpg Well,  she is Windsor Johnston
(and she's a hottie, and Bob Ed-
wards' wife),

And we were listening to Na-
tional Public Radio News –

But not in Washington.  She
was in Washington, not we.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Speck Mellencamp, 22, John's son, was arrested for public
intoxication and resisting police in a brawl outside a sand-
wich shop on the edge of the Indiana University campus in
Bloomington that involved also his brother, Hud, 23  (both
were arrested in a previous brawl in 2013). . . .

A woman who had booked a $30,000,  170-guest wedding
dinner
at the  Ritz  Charles  in Carmel threw it open to the
homeless when her wedding was called off. . . .

The neighbor who was wounded in an exchange of gunfire
over a back yard fence  in  Greenwood  was charged with a
crime  (there's video).
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

nichdeme.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicholas Barnes, WM, 6'1", 160 lbs, theft, habitual traffic offender, possession of meth, possession of marijuana, failure to appear; Sarah Ward, BF, 5'7", 200 lbs, fraud; Demetrius Thomas, BM, 5'8", 185 lbs, probation viol., robbery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kimberly Ruth-Ann Molter, WF, larceny in a building; Blake T. Fernwalt, WM, carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
nichdeme.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Nicholas Barnes, WM, 6'1", 160 lbs, theft, habitual traffic offender, possession of meth, possession of marijuana, failure to appear; Sarah Ward, BF, 5'7", 200 lbs, fraud; Demetrius Thomas, BM, 5'8", 185 lbs, probation viol., robbery; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Kimberly Ruth-Ann Molter, WF, larceny in a building; Blake T. Fernwalt, WM, carrying a concealed weapon in a vehicle (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Kia  Hampton,  who in 2011 became the first black wo-
man named Miss Kentucky USA, was indicted in Allen
County, Ohio, for smuggling marijuana into a prison. . . .

The  Merriam-Webster Dictionary of Law  was  among
gift books barred to state prisoners. . . .

Clifton Machniak, 57, was
arrested in Jenkins for lea-
ving  his  dog  in a hot car,
his second offense in three
years.   He  was  cited  for
cruelty to animals, posses-
sion of marijuana and pos-
session of brass knuckles.
. . .
machniak.jpg
savangee.jpg Savannah
Agee,  23,
fell asleep
on the so-
fa  of  an
apartment
she  burg-
larized in
Berea. . . .

A suspected meth user took a dip in  a  kiddie  pool  on  the
front porch of a home in Bellevue.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

Federal Judge David Bunning, son of the late Senator  (and
baseball Hall of Famer) Jim Bunning, ruled that the state of
Kentucky, and not Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis person-
ally, must pay the $225,000 in legal fees incurred by homo-
sexuals who sued Davis for marriage licenses.

                                    [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

A lawyer  in Edmonson County was disciplined by the state
bar association for shooting a hole in the floor  of  his  own
house,  "a criminal act that reflects on the lawyer's honesty,
trustworthiness or fitness as a lawyer in other respects."

                                      [courtesy Kentucky Bar Association]

willrach.jpg Lexington's most wanted: William Jackson, BM, 52, featured fugitive of the week, sodomy; Rachel Brumfield, WF, 31, 5'6", 145 lbs, lobotomy; Joshua Lavisso, BM, 21, 5'8", 135 lbs, just learnin'; Brian Noel, WM, 33, 5'5", 125 lbs, not learnin'; Damien Taylor, BM, 24, 5'6", 160 lbs, 'It's all good' (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
willrach.jpg Lexington's most wanted: William Jackson, BM, 52, featured fugitive of the week, sodomy; Rachel Brumfield, WF, 31, 5'6", 145 lbs, lobotomy; Joshua Lavisso, BM, 21, 5'8", 135 lbs, just learnin'; Brian Noel, WM, 33, 5'5", 125 lbs, not learnin'; Damien Taylor, BM, 24, 5'6", 160 lbs, 'It's all good' (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)

Quotation of the week:
                                        "Trump wants the media to love him, and that's why he
                                          hates them."
                                                                      – Domenico Montanaro, National Public Radio
      
Quotations repeated every week:
                                                            "That's right. . . .  Precisely."

                                                                                                                –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the weak:

                                            "Yeah, so, . . . ."
                                                                         Alison Kodjak, National Public Radio, in response
                                                                            to the question "Why did they make that decision?"

                        "The time is 7:45, Central, 8:45, Eastern."
                                                                                                – Kevin Willis, WKYU-FM radio, Bowling Green, Ky.
                                                                                                   
– at 5:45 a.m. CDT Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Excuse me, miss, but if politics makes strange bedfellows,
  would you be my Republican?"
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Kentucky Bourbon Barrel Ale.



Unisex name of the week:  Rosa.


Birthdays:
                    July 17:  Angela Merkel, 63
                                   Gale Garnett, 75
                                   Ali Khamenei, 78

                   
July 18:  Martha Reeves, 76
                                   Nelson Mandela (1918-2013)
                    July 19:  Bernie Leadon, 70
                                   Florencia Vicenta de Casillas Martinez "Vikki Carr" Cardona, 76
                    July 20:  Carlos Santana, 70
                                   Kim Carnes, 72
                                   Natalie "Wood" Zacharenko (1938-1981)
                                   Alexander the Great (356-323 BC)
                    July 21:  Brandi Chastain, 49
                                   Steven Demetre Georgiu "Cat Stevens" Yusaf Islam, 69
                    July 22:  Prince George, 4
                                   Don Henley, 70
                                   Tom Robbins, 85
                                   Robert Dole, 94
                    July 23:  Monica Lewinsky, 44
                                   Anthony Kennedy, 81

Deaths:
                Martin Landau, 89
                Liu Xiaobo, 61
                Robert "Berto" Frakes, 88
                LaiLoni Evelyn Marie Lee, 2
                Pamelia Joan McDaniel, 57
                GraceLynn AbiGail Cleo Stapleton, 6 months
                                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Additional detail on the JonBenet Ramsey case, not found even in the
link given above,  is that the main suspect is  Keith  Schwinaman,  52;
that part of his plea deal in the other crimes was that  his  DNA  could
not be used against him in any other case  (including JonBenet's),  and
that pedophile John Mark Carr, who once falsely confessed to the mur-
der,  was  with  JonBenet  when she died  and helped stage the murder,
and knew Schwinaman  but has not yet identified him as the killer. . . .
A blonde Australian woman who called 911 in Minneapolis, Minneso-
ta,  to report a disturbance was shot to death by a Somali immigrant ci-
ty policeman. . . . Maryam Sharif,  daughter of Pakistan's prime minis-
ter,  presented
in her defense to corruption allegations a  document  da-
ted in 2006 but printed in Calibri,  a type font not released to the public
until 2007. . . . Doctors preparing to remove cataracts found 27 smash-
ed "monthly disposable" contact lenses in a woman's eye in London. . . .
Police said the hostess who got shot at her  "gender  reveal"  party in a
Cincinnati, Ohio, suburb
did not lose her baby, as was reported earlier,
because she was not pregnant to begin with.  . . . A woman was arrest-
ed in Springfield,  Oregon,  for towing three children in a plastic wag-
on
hitched to her car in circles around a  "roundabout." . . . A 16-year-
old runaway from Minnesota, not seen by his family since 1976,  was
identified as another victim of John Wayne Gacy.
                                                                                [courtesy LEX18, AP]

haylywen.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) for: Hayley Casarez, 21, black hair, brown eyes, 120 lbs, 5'0", attorney off bond, credit card abuse; Wenday Dale Patterson, 44, blonde hair, brown eyes, 124 lbs, 5'4", surety off bond, possession of controlled substance PG1 o/1g - u/4gguodaddl.jpg Wanted in Wichita, Kansas (not Wichita Falls, Texas): Rachel Marie Guodaddle, WF, 43, 5'1'", 160 lbs, probation violation on theft; Meriah D. Hightower, WF, a/k/a Meriah D. Duchess a/k/a Meriah Dawn Hightower, 35, 5'1", 110 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, tattoos shouolders, right hand ("Heaven knows"), left arm ("Li'l Bit"), left ankle (rose/butterfly), right arm (hummingbird), right hip (unicorn), right calf ("Ryan"), probation viol. opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff); [WFalls] Robert Alan Miller, 54, grey hair, blue eyes, 190 lbs, 5'10", manufacture/delivery of controlled substance PG1 o/4g - u/20g
haylywen.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) for: Hayley Casarez, 21, black hair, brown eyes, 120 lbs, 5'0", attorney off bond, credit card abuse; Wenday Dale Patterson, 44, blonde hair, brown eyes, 124 lbs, 5'4", surety off bond, possession of controlled substance PG1 o/1g - u/4g; guodaddl.jpg Wanted in Wichita, Kansas (not Wichita Falls, Texas): Rachel Marie Guodaddle, WF, 43, 5'1'", 160 lbs, probation violation on theft; Meriah D. Hightower, WF, a/k/a Meriah D. Duchess a/k/a Meriah Dawn Hightower, 35, 5'1", 110 lbs, brown hair, brown eyes, tattoos shouolders, right hand ("Heaven knows"), left arm ("Li'l Bit"), left ankle (rose/butterfly), right arm (hummingbird), right hip (unicorn), right calf ("Ryan"), probation viol. opiates (Sedgwick County Sheriff); [WFalls] Robert Alan Miller, 54, grey hair, blue eyes, 190 lbs, 5'10", manufacture/delivery of controlled substance PG1 o/4g - u/20g

The sports:

       Louisville, Kentuckian, Justin
       Thomas opened the British O-
       pen  golf tournament  wearing
       a tie and a cardigan  (he  com-
       pleted the first round  tied  for
       6th place at 3 under par).


justhoms.jpg

Dear Eleanor:
My son is 29.  He has no vanity at all.  He does not care
how he dresses or looks.  He has  always  been this way.
He just got married,  and his wife is a darling.  How can
I make him understand how important this is  – not only
to him,  but also to his wife?
                                                                Concerned Mom
Dear Dumb Ass:
                                Perhaps you did not notice,  but  this  is  not
                                important to his wife.  She married the slob.
                                And what the fuck were you doing  the  first
                                28 years?


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Mary@ufpi.br"
        ti
tled "Union of sperm and oocyte is!"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include the Sunday Mob:
   sundymob.jpg Crossword Al, Lawnmower Lucy, Jimmy Two
            Brunches (New Yorker)

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



July 16, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the counter in the supermarket
– the week's headlines
:


Gwen & Blake: They're married! (Life & Style); What Gwen doesn't know, Blake Shelton exposed, racist, bully, gay basher, serial cheater (Enquirer); Betsy DeVos heads to North Korea to reverse its progress in math & science (Borowitz Report); Judge Judy cheats on her hubby (Enquirer); Bill Cosby dying of dementia (Examiner)
Gwen & Blake: They're married! (Life & Style); What Gwen doesn't know, Blake Shelton exposed, racist, bully, gay basher, serial cheater (Enquirer); Betsy DeVos heads to North Korea to reverse its progress in math & science (Borowitz Report); Judge Judy cheats on her hubby (Enquirer); Bill Cosby dying of dementia (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Sun 7/9/17 @12:19 EDT:
"When it comes to role models . . . I point to God,"
quoting presidential "spooksperson" Sarah Hucka-
bee Sanders:


Yeah, some role model, that genocidal deity,  who
wipes out entire populations  and  even  the  entire
planet.  Great "role model," indeed, for the current
incarnation of the Rethuglican Party  –  who  seem
determined to do likewise.

P.S.  As for "spooksperson," a better gender-neutral
term to denote a  male/female/trans/whatever  press
secretary  might be "sporksperson"– indicating also
her overall uselessness.

Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 7/9/17 @07:12 PDT:
Neither the real dead dude's father  nor the funeral
home was responsible.   It was the Orange County
Sheriff-Coroner Department that misidentified the
body.
And they all have a defense:  The non-father, too, with a
cursory glance and taking the Coroner's word, also misi-
dentified the body as his yet living son's.    – Editor



Publius Leget wrote Sun 7/09/17 @09:15 CDT:

How was the modifier "Coming from Texas" mis-
placed in preceding "I grew up on the border"?
It was misplaced in time.  She grew up on the border be-
fore she came from Texas.    Editor
Editorial:  A modest proposal    (© 2017 Borf Books)
A swath of boredom  washed over our editorial offices
early  last  week,  bringing us an idea how to boost the
economy and relieve a pressing social problem.  Over-
whelmed with ennui with talk of foreign collusion and
meddling in our politics,  we turned to the  TV set  for
relief.

But  there  was  nothing  good  on.  With 287 satellite
channels and 37 more "on the air,"  we thought surely
we would find something to interest us,  or at least to
amuse us.  But, no. We saw some baseball games and
sitcoms on the indices that  might  have fascinated us;
but tuning them in gave us only commercials.

We  recalled  visiting  our friend Barry's house,  where
the TV was always on,  and even Chris Matthews grab-
bed our attention on MSNBC. Barry kept the TV tuned;
we didn't have to touch it.

And then it  dawned  on us!  All families from the afflu-
ent  down to the merely comfortable middle class  could
afford to hire the homeless to tune our TV's.   We'd give
them places to sleep,  daily  meals,  and a little spending
money, and they would keep us amused on our TV's.  It
would hugely "grow" the economy at no cost to  the  al-
ready employed,  and relieve a growing social morass.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Two neighbors shot it out over a backyard fence in
Greenwood  (one of them was said to have made a
disparaging remark about the other's wife).

                                                        [courtesy BBC]

The "WAR ON TERRIORISM" bench was replaced.

                                                         [courtesy WANE]

Fifty goats, nine cows and a pig were rescued from a
Delaware County farm by animal care officials as ten
head of cattle died in a semitrailer rollover nearby. . . .

A Daleville couple who had  111  cats  in their home
pleaded guilty to child neglect. . . .

A 13-year-old boy playing basketball  in  Hammond
was killed by a  falling  bullet,  apparently fired into
the air by someone in a neighboring community. . . .

Despite what you might have read in  earlier  editions
and earnest efforts by the state legislature,  the  "Who
can sell cold beer in Indiana?" law  is not exactly set-
tled yet. For a nearly unfathomable report on an issue
even more complicated than "affordable health care,"
see this article, beginning at a country store near Ter-
re Haute.
                                      [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

A contractor was indicted for bribing the director of St. Jo-
seph's Hospital
in Lexington for a construction job (the di-
rector also was indicted). . . .

Inmates rioted over losing TV privileges
in a disciplinary
measure at the Mason County Jail in Maysville.
. . .

chickens.jpg Thousands of frozen chickens crossed the road as a semitrailer overturned on the Bowling Green - Owensboro Green River ("Natcher") Parkway near Bowling Green
chickens.jpg Thousands of frozen chickens crossed the road as a semitrailer overturned on the Bowling Green - Owensboro Green River ("Natcher") Parkway near Bowling Green

The Bourbon virus,  of which the woman in Sullivan, Mis-
souri, died after being bitten by a tick, was named
not after
Kentucky bourbon whiskey,  but  for  a  county  in  Kansas
(but  Bourbon  County,  Kansas,  was  named  for Bourbon
County, Kentucky). . . .
 
A young couple committing a burglary pistol-whipped three
persons in a home in Louisville  and  cut  off  one of the vic-
tims' fingers with bolt cutters.
                                                                   
[courtesy LEX18]

sarahead.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Adrian Agbor, BM, 24, 5'8", 163 lbs, tampering; Nikki White, BF, 32, 5'6", 150 lbs, pampering (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Wanted by KSP: Donnie Phelps, WM, 40, 5'3", 130 lbs, failure to appear on two counts of failure to appear (Kentucky State Police, Post 3, Bowling Green); Wanted in Atlanta: Sarah Craighead, WF, superintendent of Mammoth Cave National Park, has been promoted to deputy regional director of the National Park Service (Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News)
sarahead.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Adrian Agbor, BM, 24, 5'8", 163 lbs, tampering; Nikki White, BF, 32, 5'6", 150 lbs, pampering (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); Wanted by KSP: Donnie Phelps, WM, 40, 5'3", 130 lbs, failure to appear on two counts of failure to appear (Kentucky State Police, Post 3, Bowling Green); Wanted in Atlanta: Sarah Craighead, WF, superintendent of Mammoth Cave National Park, has been promoted to deputy regional director of the National Park Service (Park City (Bowling Green) Daily News)
Quotations of the week:
                                            "I love it."
                                                                Donald Trump Jr.

                                            "If the law don't want you, neither do I."
                                                                                                                Norah Jones
Quotation of the weak:
                                            "I'm Windsor Johnston, and you're listening to NPR News,
                                              in Washington."
                                                                            Windsor Johnston

Quotations repeated every week:
                                                         "That's exactly right. . . . That's right."

                                                                                                                          –
  
Shankar Vedantam
Missed quotation of another week:

    "I'm glad he got shot. . . . I wish he was fucking dead."
                                                                                              – Nebraska Democratic Party official
                                                                                                 Phil Montag, speaking of Congress-
                                                                                                
man Steve Scalise (R-Louisiana)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"I ran into a zombie the other day, a pretty good old roadie,
  said he'd been dead since '89:  A couple of bumps,  a joint
  and a Marlboro,  and he found his smile."
– Leonard Simon


Funny beer brands:  Riot Rye.


Unisex name of the week:  Julie.


Birthdays:
                    July 10:  Cindy Sheehan, 60
                                   Arlo Guthrie, 70
                                   Giacobbe "Jake" LaMotta, 96
                   
July 11:  Kimberly Denise Jones ("Lil' [Misspelled] Kim"), 42 (or 43)
                                   Tab Hunter, 86
                    July 12:  Milton Teagle "Richard" Simmons, 69
                                   Christine McVie, 74
                                   Richard Stoltzman, 75
                                   Bill Cosby, 80
                    July 13:  Roger McGuinn, 75
                                   Harrison Ford, 75
                                   Philip the Good (1396-1467)
                    July 14:  Woodrow Wilson "Woody" Guthrie (1912-1967)
                    July 15:  Linda Ronstadt, 71
                                   Vladimir the Bold (1353-1410)
                    July 16: 
Anna Smashnova, 41
                                   Apichatpong Weerasethakul, 47
                                   Margaret Smith Court, 75
                                   Dick Thornburgh, 85

Deaths:
                Vito "Babe" Parilli, 87
                Elizabeth Carol "Poohie" Brent, 56
                Kametria Gainey, 32
                Linard Slayton, 88
                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]
suebrick.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Sue Sue; Lauren Gotelaere, WF, 25, 5'2", 160 lbs, arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas); Brick
suebrick.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Sue Sue; Lauren Gotelaere, WF, 25, 5'2", 160 lbs, arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas); Brick
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Eight persons,  including three children,  were shot at a "gender reveal"
party in Cincinnati, Ohio,  including the pregnant host (the "gender" to
be "revealed" turned out to be the sex of the baby, who turned out to be
a dead boy;  another woman was killed). . . .  A 14-year-old girl was e-
lectrocuted when she dropped her "smart" phone,  plugged into a char-
ger,  into a bath she was taking in Lovington,  New Mexico. . . . A 51-
year-old woman was killed when her car struck a cow on Highway 24
west of Moulton, Alabama. . . .
PETA took Natuto the monkey's selfie
copyright claim to a U.S. Court of Appeals. . . . Mattel  has made new
Ken  dolls  with two body types,  seven different skin tones,  and nine
new hair styles,  including a man bun. . . .
Louie,  the 22-pound, 130-
year-old  lobster  who spent 20 years in the tank of a Long Island res-
taurant,  was released back into the  Atlantic  Ocean  (we're  guessing
this is the same lobster PETA (People for Eating Tasty Animals)  off-
ered $14.98 a pound for a dozen years ago). .  .  . Rob Lowe claims to
have  encountered  Bigfoot  on a TV shoot in the Ozark Mountains of
Missouri. . . . Donald Trump Jr. hired a mob lawyer. . . .
Kid Rock was
running for the Senate (or was he?)

 
                                                            [courtesy
LEX18, Harper's, AP]

morganss.jpt Texoma's most wanted Morgans of the week, Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas), Morgan Williams, 18, brown hair, brown eyes, 150 lbs, 5'5", order revoking, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone; Morgan Yonkey, 33, brown hair, green eyes, 135 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft of property o/$500 u/$20,000      
morganss.jpt Texoma's most wanted Morgans of the week, Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas), Morgan Williams, 18, brown hair, brown eyes, 150 lbs, 5'5", order revoking, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone; Morgan Yonkey, 33, brown hair, green eyes, 135 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, theft of property o/$500 u/$20,000
        sixtopam.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sixto Edgardo Alvarenga-Guerero, WM, 28, 5'5", 145 lbs, prob viol theft; Pamula Fay Newcomer, WF, 52, 5'5", 200 lbs, probation violation on contr. subst. off.; Ishmael R. Ridge, BM, 26, 6'0", 145 lbs, burglary and theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff); in Berrien County, Michigan: Stephen Christopher Miller, DUI 3rd (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
sixtopam.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Sixto Edgardo Alvarenga-Guerero, WM, 28, 5'5", 145 lbs, prob viol theft; Pamula Fay Newcomer, WF, 52, 5'5", 200 lbs, probation violation on contr. subst. off.; Ishmael R. Ridge, BM, 26, 6'0", 145 lbs, burglary and theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff); in Berrien County, Michigan: Stephen Christopher Miller, DUI 3rd (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
The sports:
The interfuckinet said baseball's  All  Star  Game  would be on
CBS TV; but it was on Fox,  meaning that the best show on TV,
the Mick, was pre-empted.  (And,  how could Fox have done it
without the steroid - and- J-Lo- ridden Alex Rodriguez?)

Dear Eleanor:
I'm a 47-year-old man, and I live alone in a small city in New
York state.  I have a good job.  I have been with the company
for years,  and my bosses take good care of me.   However,  I
want to live a semi-homesteading-type life on my  own  prop-
erty.  I cannot do this where I live because of strict zoning.  I
am torn between leaving my job to move and living the life I
dream of and staying where I am and trying to get as close as
I can to that life style. Can you help me?
                                                                        Torn in New York

Dear Rip:
                    Oh,  my!   Let me do the math:  You were born about
                    1970 – and  you  missed  it!  That all happened in the
                    '60's and '70's.  Where were your parents?  Straight?

                    Too  late,  Bubba.   Times have changed.   In only 18
                    years you'll have your good company retirement and
                    Medicare and Social Security (maybe).  That's  when
                    to become a hippie.

lifeloth.jpg Crossword puzzle: Lothario's organ: ROVING EYE Life Saver Dude: Aha! DICK would have taken only four spaces
lifeloth.jpg Crossword puzzle: Lothario's organ: ROVING EYE Life Saver Dude: Aha! DICK would have taken only four spaces

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Lindsey Miller"
        ti
tled "Your thoughts on partnering?"

DISCUSSION GROUP:

   
Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include A Martinez.

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



July 9, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the counter in the supermarket
– the week's headlines
:

Loretta Lynn dies in surgery, doctors bring her back (Examiner); Not 'black baby' market, broker tells all, Scientology's baby black market, Cruise, Kidman, 7 other megastars pay millions for babies from dirt-poor moms (Enquirer); Megyn Kelly cheating, lies and arrests (the Star); Queen snubs Harry's wedding (Globe); Deadly shooting victim remembered (LEX18)
Loretta Lynn dies in surgery, doctors bring her back (Examiner); Not 'black baby' market, broker tells all, Scientology's baby black market, Cruise, Kidman, 7 other megastars pay millions for babies from dirt-poor moms (Enquirer); Megyn Kelly cheating, lies and arrests (the Star); Queen snubs Harry's wedding (Globe); Deadly shooting victim remembered (LEX18)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Etta Jane Darrig wrote Weds 7/5/17 @ 10:15 CDT:
A "males of color academy" being planned in
Louisville?
Yes – a special middle school for the advancement of
black and "brown" boys.  Guess you could call it "re-

segregation,"  with a good purpose  (but didn't the or-

iginal segregation have a "good" purpose?).  – Editor


Steve Yates wrote Sun 7/2/17 @12:35 CDT:
Did the dude who buried someone besides his
still living son get his  $20,000  back from the
real dead dude's father
or the funeral home?

Editorial:  Toward a secular Sabbath    (© 2017 Borf Books)
It's bad enough  that you could not get to the Statue of
Liberty from New Jersey on the eve of the 4th of July,
but then came the 4th and it was a  Tuesday.  Where's
that at?  How can one have a frenetic,  fireworks-fill-
ed three-day weekend with a work day in the middle?

"Presidents  Day"  (does anyone remember Lincoln's
Birthday  or  Birthington's  Washday?),   "Memorial
Day"(does anyone re
member Decoration Day?) and
"Indigenous People's Day"  (does anyone remember
Columbus Day?)  all  have  been moved to Monday;
so, why not the 4th of July?   It's not as if the Found-
ding Fathers  all  signed  the Declaration of Indepen-
dence on the 4th of July.  The Declaration was adop-
ted on July 2 and not signed by most members of the
Continental Congress until August 19
(John Hancock
signed it on July 4).

And while we're at it, what's so sacred about Novem-
ber 11?  Yes,  the truce ending World War I is said to
have been signed at the 11th hour  of the 11th day of
the 11th month (of the 18th year),  and,  thus,  it was
known as Armistice Day  for 36 years;  but since 19-
54  it's been called  Veterans  Day.   So,  why not ob-
serve it on a Monday?  Thanksgiving Day, too – and
Black Friday could become  Black  Monday  a week
later, with a twist on the original meaning. Give us a
week off after Thanksgiving, then a day off to shop!

Christmas,  while we're at it.   If Monday is close e-
nough for Martin Luther King Jr.,  it's close enough
for  Jesus.  No one knows the actual date  of  Jesus'
birth (most Biblical scholars think it was in the fall).
Christmas  Eve,  too,  on  Monday,  a  week  before
Christmas.  Then New Year's Eve on a  Monday,  a
week  after  Christmas,  and New Year's Day on the
following Monday.

Valentine's  Day:   Move February 14 to the nearest
Monday.  Same deal with St. Patrick's Day:   Move
March 17  to a Monday.  After all,  it's named for a
saint,  and celebrating his day on a Monday  would
be an extension of Sunday (you could move Hallo-
we'en to a Sunday,  so  that  the day following,  All
Saints  Day,  could become a Monday holiday – or
you could put them both  on  Mondays,   a week a-
part; and move All Souls Day, traditionally the day
after All Saints Day, to a week after).

Easter.  Easter!  Why do we celebrate Easter on a
Sunday?  There's no extra day off for that.   Cele-
brate Easter on a MondayGood Friday, too.

April Fool's Day (the 1st), May Day (the 1st), and
Fag Day (June 14) all could be affixed to the near-
est Mondays with small calendicular jiggles.

Rosh  Hashanah,  Yom Kippur,  the weekly Jewish
Sabbath (Friday), and the first and last days of Ha-
nukkah and Ramadan, all on  Mondays  from now
on.  Chinese New Year,  while we're at it.

That leaves Labor Day.  Let's celebrate  Labor Day
on a  Monday.  Then we'll have a  secular  Sabbath
almost every week (well, it might be a second Sab-
bath in the cases of Good Monday,  Easter,  all the
Saints and Souls days,  Christmas,  and the Jewish
and Muslim holidays).


Unisex name of the week:  Darcy.


Dumb news from Indiana
:
Border collies were patrolling the shores of Lake Michi-
gan to chase away Canada geese and seagulls. . . .

A pet duck in Anderson underwent surgery to correct his
walking pigeon-toed. . . .

A stone bench at a new Vietnam War memorial in Colum-
bia City bore the slogan  "WAR ON TERRIORISM"  be-
fore the designer taped over the errant I  (but maybe they
meant war on TERRIERISM and intended it for a fire hy-
drant).
                                           [courtesy Columbus Republic]
See also the sports.

amyrobin.jpg South Bend's most wanted, Amy Jones, WF, 5'7", 145 lbs, theft, battery, FTA; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Robin Michelle Green, BF, assault by strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
amyrobin.jpg South Bend's most wanted, Amy Jones, WF, 5'7", 145 lbs, theft, battery, FTA; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Robin Michelle Green, BF, assault by strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A 38-year-old woman flipped her car on I-65 near Park City,
then took off in the car of  a  passer-by  who stopped to help
(she was arrested 32 miles later).
                                                                    [courtesy WKYT]
willtiff.jpg William Horn, WM, 56, 5'11", 170 lbs, mean and ornery; Tiffany Noe, 28, 5'2", 160 lbs, dependent; Sheri Phillips, WF, 28, 5'8", 300 lbs, independent as a hog on ice; Willard Ore, WM, 31, 6'2", 180 lbs, no more Mr. Nice Guy (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
          lissakel.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Melissa Thomas, WF, 34, 5'3", 120 lbs, possession of forged instrument, A/K/A Kelley Walriven, WF, 39, 5'7", 145 lbs, same offense; same person?; Heather Seltsam, 45, sex with a 14-year-old boy (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
willtiff.jpg William Horn, WM, 56, 5'11", 170 lbs, mean and ornery; Tiffany Noe, 28, 5'2", 160 lbs, dependent; Sheri Phillips, WF, 28, 5'8", 300 lbs, independent as a hog on ice; Willard Ore, WM, 31, 6'2", 180 lbs, no more Mr. Nice Guy (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader); lissakel.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Melissa Thomas, WF, 34, 5'3", 120 lbs, possession of forged instrument, A/K/A Kelley Walriven, WF, 39, 5'7", 145 lbs, same offense; same person?; Heather Seltsam, 45, sex with a minor (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)

Quotations of the week
:
                                               "The larger share of what ails us as a nation is well upstream
                                                from politics."
                                                                               – Sen. Ben Sasse (R-Nebraska)

                                               "New Yorkers like to boast that if you can survive in New York,
                                                 you can survive anywhere.   But if you can survive anywhere,
                                                 why live in New York?"
                                                                                             – Edward Abbey

Quotations of the weak:
When it comes to role models, as a person of faith, we all have one perfect role model. And when I’ve asked that question I point to God.
                                                 "Of course.  So, . . . "
                                                                                       – Emily Ekins, Voter Study Group,  on National
                                                                                          Public Radio, in reply to the question, "So give
                                                                                         
us an example of some of those reasons"
                     "There are an array of symptoms . . . ."
                                                                                        – Renée Montagne, National Public Radio
           "The general public don't usually think . . . ."
                                                                                        Fernanda Santos, New York Times reporter and author
 "When it comes to role models . . . I point to God."
                                                                                        – Presidential spooksperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                       "
That's right. . . .  Exactly."
                                                                                                    –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"I may be an old dog, but you still make me bark."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Boot Tread.

ashlaurn.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Ashleigh Ford, BF, 28, 5'2", 215 lbs, possession of meth (& firewater); Lauren Gotelaere, WF, 25, 5'2", 160 lbs, endangering a child; Sharon Winchester, WF, 61, 5'9", 160 lbs, burglary (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
ashlaurn.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Ashleigh Ford, BF, 28, 5'2", 215 lbs, possession of meth (& firewater); Lauren Gotelaere, WF, 25, 5'2", 160 lbs, endangering a child; Sharon Winchester, WF, 61, 5'9", 160 lbs, burglary (Abilene Crime Stoppers)

"There''s an app for that" (or, stupid business slogan of the week):
"The world is complicated.  It doesn't have to be.  With the
 NPR One App, you can hear only news stories that reflect
 your world view."

Also on National Public Radio,  hear  two  ditzes  –  Rachel
Martin and Jessica Mendoza  – talk  baseball.  And NPR bot-
tomed  this  in the very next episode on Morning Edition last
Wednesday in which  "J. Willgoose, Esq.,"  and  his  "Public
Service Broadcasting
" band  attempted to explain the past in
a semimusical semipresentation (hope you got it; we didn't).

Dept. of misplaced modifiers:
                                                    "Coming from Texas, I grew up on the border . . . ."
                                                                                                                                       
Cynthia Leonor Garza


Birthdays:
                    July 3:  Tom Cruise, 55
                                 Dave Barry, 70
                   
July 4:  Neil Simon, 90
                                 Gina Lollobrigida, 90
                                 Eva Marie Saint, 93
                    July 5:  Edie Falco, 54
                    July 6:  Sylvester Stallone, 71
                                 George W. Bush, 71
                    July 7: 
Shelley Duvall, 68
                                 Richard Starkey ("Ringo Starr"), 77
                                 Doc Severinsen, 90
                    July 8:  Deborah Zerby (
"Kim Darby"), 70
                                   Sidney Liebowitz ("Steve Lawrence"), 82
                                 John Dingell, 91
                    July 9:  O. J. Simpson, 70
                                 Donald Rumsfeld, 85
                                 Jesse McReynolds, 88


Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 132
                Johnny "John" Beller, 50
                La'Donna McLin, 62
                Demond D. Morton Sr., 44
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Traffic to the Statue of Liberty was closed on the New Jersey side  on
the eve of the 4th of July. . . . A man sat on his gun in the driver's seat
of his car in Jacksonville, Florida, and shot himself in the penis. . . . A
24-year-old mother died in Mexico from "dodgy' diet pills  purchased
on Clutterbook Facebook. . . . The History Channel reported new evi-
dence of the survival of Amelia Earhart (and, watch this space for ev-
idence of Bigfoot). . . .
Searyl Atli Doty, a newborn in British Colum-
bia denied a birth certificate,  received a "health card"  without  a  sex
designation  (his/her/its "parent," Kori Doty, identified as "non-binary
trans," is represented by barbara findlay, a lawyer who spells his/her/-
its name without capital letters). . . .  A man in a bulletproof vest shot
a policeman with a bow and arrow in Chandler, Arizona. . . . A secu-
rity guard
impersonating a policeman was arrested for pulling over a
policeman  in  Miami,  Florida. . . . A man arrested on an outstanding
warrant in Dakota County,  Minnesota,  invited the officer to frisk his
front  shirt  pocket,  where the officer found a Monopoly  "Get out of
jail free
" card.

                                      [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

jacorina.jpg Jackie M. Johnson, WF, 42, 5'2", possession of opiates; Corrina Lee Murray, WF, 39, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary/theft/probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
jacorina.jpg Jackie M. Johnson, WF, 42, 5'2", possession of opiates; Corrina Lee Murray, WF, 39, 5'7", 140 lbs, burglary/theft/probation violation (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

The sports:
Purdue University expanded sales of alcoholic beverages at its
football and basketball games.

fredgr8s.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Gene Wilder, George Washington, Frederick the Great
fredgr8s.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Gene Wilder, George Washington, Frederick the Great
Dear Eleanor:
                            May I go to the bathroom?
                                                                              Transy Pansy
Dear Pans:
                        Not until you tell me what you are.
                        Or,  tell ya what:  Just take off yer
                        pants, and I'll tell you where to go.


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Customer Support <ThomasOrsini@writeme.com>"
        titled "Important : Your Account ID Has Been Blocked !"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future  include  Sarah Huckster-
bee Sanders
.

lifemose.jpg "Let my people go - to the bathroom" protester Life Saver Dude: Look, Dudes! The transgenders have a spokesman!
lifemose.jpg "Let my people go - to the bathroom" protester Life Saver Dude: Look, Dudes! The transgenders have a spokesman!

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



July 2, 2017:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife  at the counter in the supermarket
– the  week's  headlines  (P.S.  You can read in the current New Yorker
why Donald Trump is not trashed in the tabloids, and why Time maga-
zine may soon join them)
:


Furious Prez cleans house, Trump: You're fired, Jeff
        Sessions, Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Ben Carson (Enquirer);
        Newly sober Brad admits he's in love with Jen again (In Toouch);
        Ruthless Ryan Seacrest, Kelly Ripa stabbed in back again
        (Globe); JFK Jr. crash mystery solved, it was a bomb (Examiner)
Furious Prez cleans house, Trump: You're fired, Jeff Sessions, Kellyanne Conway, Sean Spicer, Ben Carson (Enquirer); Newly sober Brad admits he's in love with Jen again (In Toouch); Ruthless Ryan Seacrest, Kelly Ripa stabbed in back again (Globe); JFK Jr. crash mystery solved, it was a bomb (Examiner)


LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Sun 6/25/17 @10:22 CDT:
Hey!  I do read the National Enquirer every Thurs-
day while waiting for my wife at the counter in the
Piggly Wiggly,  and  I  didn't  see  any  "Life Saver
Dude goes berserk!"  headline.
How  'bout  "Sean Penn goes berserk!   Reduces wife
Robin to tears!"  in the June 26 issue?   – Editor


Honkin de Spain wrote Tues 6/13/17  re  the June 4
quotation of the Wheat, "I'm terrified beyond capa-
city for all rational thought
":
This is, of course, the legal rationale for self-
defense.
Does that mean "Blue lives matter"?    – Editor

Unisex name of the weekAubrey.


Dumb news from Indiana:
A man in Hobart accidentally shot and killed his 9-year-old
daughter with a handgun while instructing his sons on  gun
safety
  (he "didn't know the gun was loaded").
 
                                              [courtesy Columbus Republic]

malikica.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Malik Gardner, BM, 5'11", 190 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, forgery, FTA; Heather Gipperich, WF, 5'0", 135 lbs, red hair, green eyes, neglect of dependent, meth; Erica Mays, BF, 5'5", 180 lbs, black(?) hair, brown eyes, false informing, theft; Daniel Boyer, WM, 5'8", 155 lbs, blond hair, hazel eyes, child pornography (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
malikica.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Malik Gardner, BM, 5'11", 190 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, forgery, FTA; Heather Gipperich, WF, 5'0", 135 lbs, red hair, green eyes, neglect of dependent, meth; Erica Mays, BF, 5'5", 180 lbs, black(?) hair, brown eyes, false informing, theft; Daniel Boyer, WM, 5'8", 155 lbs, blond hair, hazel eyes, child pornography (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Jefferson County School Board, in Louisville, approved
plans for a "males of color academy."
                                                                    [Courier-Journal]

nosmokng.jpg Tobacco Store, drive in, no smoking, fireworks, Bristwo, Warren County (Tabloid Headlines photos)

                                 Bristow, Warren County (Tabloid Headlines photos)
nosmokng.jpg Tobacco Store, drive in, no smoking, fireworks (Tabloid Headlines photos)

The Fire Department rescued 10 ducklings from a storm
drain in a business parking lot in Lexington. . . .

Rabbit  Hash  elected a new top dog,  Brynneth Pawltro,
rejecting a cat, a chicken and a donkey. . . .

A prisoner who escaped a jail work detail in Frankfort
was found in a public library.

                                                          
[courtesy LEX18]
genaheat.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Ariel Oxendine, BF, 24, 5'6", 140 lbs, she's serious; Kimmaire Sellers, BF, 27, 5'5", 170 lbs, she just wants to have fun; Celebrity lookalikes: Heather West, WF, 41, 5'7", 180 lbs, wanted in Lexington for auto theft; Gena Yoakem, vital stats not disclosed, wanted everywhere (Herald-Leader, Clutterbook)
genaheat.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Ariel Oxendine, BF, 24, 5'6", 140 lbs, she's serious; Kimmaire Sellers, BF, 27, 5'5", 170 lbs, she just wants to have fun; Celebrity lookalikes: Heather West, WF, 41, 5'7", 180 lbs, wanted in Lexington for auto theft; Gena Yoakem, vital stats not disclosed, wanted everywhere (Herald-Leader, Clutterbook)

Having received a sweetheart deal to build Ark Encounter
in Williamstown,  promising to create jobs but saying
later
they were available only to other fundamentalist Christians
and taking money from employees’ paychecks to  help  re-
pay loans,  Answers in Genesis now wants to avoid paying
a "safety fee" like other ticket-taking attractions in the area.

                                                                [courtesy J. Ewing]
Quotations of the week:
                                          "It is not unconstitutional to be a fool."
                                                                                                            – Kevin D. Williamson, National Review

    "
You will be held accountable Trump, you and all your people for every drop of blood flowing in
 
      Muslim countries.  I Love Islamic state."
                                                                            – message on a plaque hacked onto Ohio government web sites
     "You can't overcome biology."
                                                        – Judge Diane S. Sykes, 7th Circuit U.S. Court of Appeals
Quotation of the weak:
                                         "Your Honor, with all due respect, we maintain that parenthood
                                           is no longer defined by biology."
                                                                                                    – Karen Celestino-Horseman, attorney for
                                                                                                       eight same-sex couples from Indiana
Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                          "That's entirely plausible . . . .  That's right."

                                                                                                                                    –
  
Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"A pretty woman looks better naked than dressed in purple."
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Double Duckpin.


Stupid business slogans:  "It moves just like Mom's breast"    Luv N Care Slow Flow Nipple


Birthdays:
                   June 26:  Ariana Grande, 24
                                  
Aubrey Plaza, 33
                                   Chuck Robb, 78
                                  
Andreas Cornelis "Colonel Tom Parker" van Kuijk (1909-1997)
                                  
Mildred Ella "Babe" Didrikson Zaharias (1911-1956)
                                   Big Bill Broonzy (1893-1958)

                                   Abner Doubleday (1819-1893)
                   June 27Khloe Kardashian, 33
                                   H. Ross Perot
, 87
                                   Louis the Just (1462-1515)
                    June 28:  Kellie Pickler, 31
                                   John Elway, 57
                    June 29:  Gary Busey, 73
                                   "Little" Eva Boyd (1943-2003)
                    June 30:  Michael Phelps, 32
                                    Ron Swoboda, 73
                    July 1:  Dan Aykroyd, 65
                                 Deborah Harry, 72
                                 Jamie Farr, 83
                                 Leslie Caron, 86
                                 oliviade.jpg Olivia
                                    DeHavilland
                                Olivia de Havilland, 101
                    July 2:  Lindsay Lohan, 31
                                 Moon So-Ri, 43
                                 Luci Baines Johnson Nugent Turpin, 70
                                 Richard Petty, 79


Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 132
                Madalynn Fae Coleman, infant
                Lura Cook, 91
                Edna DeSpain, 82
                Milik Lewis, 20
                Ruth "Ruthie" Spicer, 95
                Syvoid Transou III, 30
                Marvin Rucker Tucker, 84
                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

amanjody.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas;
            Abilene Crime Stoppers): Amando Saul Carmona, HM, 24,
            5'5", 170 lbs, robbery; Jody Alexander Ordway, WM, 31,
            6'0", 170 lbs, aggravated kidnapping
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A "grammar vigilante" using an "apostrophiser" has corrected signs in
Bristol, England,  including "Monday's to Friday's" and "Amys Nail's"
(apparently it deapostrophises,  too). . . .  Opening of the Willy Brandt
Brandenburg Airport in Berlin,  once planned for 2012, still is delayed
by  defective  cabling,  short escalators,  4,000 wrong-numbered doors,
and lack of smoke exhaust and alarms. . . . A man in Santa Ana,  Cali-
fornia,  buried the wrong man,  thinking it was his son.  . . . The  pilot
of an Air Asia X flight from Australia to Maylaysia  asked passengers
to pray as the plane "shook like a washing machine" (but it landed OK
back in Perth, where it began). . . . Italy's highest court ruled that keep-
ing live lobsters on ice was animal cruelty. . . .More than 16 million A-
merican adults think chocolate milk comes from brown cows,  accord-
ing to a poll (sorry, no black/white, Anglo/Latino or Christian/Muslim
breakdown was reported). . . . A man missing in Australia was report-
ed to have gotten high and attempted sex with a crocodile.  . . . Travel
ban "bona fide relationship" criteria reminiscent of Nazi definitions of
Jewishness were set out by the State Department.

                                                             [courtesy LEX18, Harper's, AP]
The sports:
                           uglstdog.jpg Martha (l.), a 3-year-old Neappolitan
            mastiff, won the world's ugliest dog contest at the
            Sonoma-Marin Fair in northern California
Dear Eleanor:
We have a lovely granddaughter  who is about to be mar-
ried to an excellent young man.  She is
just out of college
and
sweet, kind, smart, and hard-working.   But her wed-
ding will have a Wiccan theme,   and they are planning to
change their last name to a Wiccan name.

I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually follow this religion but.
rather, regards it as an entertaining idea.    As a Christian I
am uncomfortable with the theme.  Should we stay home?


                                                        Challenged in California
Dear Challenged:
                                Nah; be a Christian and welcome the Wic-
                                cans into the family.       They're sorta like
                                Muslims and Sihks – mostly nice people.

                                I've never heard of Wiccan surnames;  only
                                Wiccan given namesAnd the last name of
                                the only Wiccan I know is Good.  Bet you'll
                                find some Joneses and Smiths to go with her.

burkdunc.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Steven Kent Burke, WM, 41, a/ki/a Bones, 5'10", 150 lbs, taggoos, chest, "Bones," "KHEPRI" and skull, left shoulder, clown, probation violation, possession of opiates and other controlled substances; Joseph L. Reed-Tolefree, BM, 23, a/k/a Joseph Levonn Reed-Tol, 5'8", 150 lbs, aggravated battery; Ryan  Dean Smith, WM, 35, 185 lbs, scars and tattoos both arms, probation violation; Danny Steven Duncan, WM, 51, a/k/a Steve Duncant, 5'4", 178 lbs, possession of drug paraphernalia

                         kaylajac.jpg Kayla Lara Jacob, WF, 28, 5'8", 160 lbs, eagle head tattoo on left arm, intentional bidily harm with a deadly weapon, probation violation; Jacqueline Annette Jones, BF, 35, 5'9", 230 lbs, tattoos, right neck, "Tank," left neck, "Son," right shoulder, "Phil," right wrist, "Amari," left wrist, "Ghavann," criminal threat, probation violation for transporting open container (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
burkdunc.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Steven Kent Burke, WM, 41, a/ki/a Bones, 5'10", 150 lbs, taggoos, chest, "Bones," "KHEPRI" and skull, left shoulder, clown, probation violation, possession of opiates and other controlled substances; Joseph L. Reed-Tolefree, BM, 23, a/k/a Joseph Levonn Reed-Tol, 5'8", 150 lbs, aggravated battery; Ryan  Dean Smith, WM, 35, 185 lbs, scars and tattoos both arms, probation violation; Danny Steven Duncan, WM, 51, a/k/a Steve Duncant, 5'4", 178 lbs, possession of drug paraphernalia; kaylajac.jpg Kayla Lara Jacob, WF, 28, 5'8", 160 lbs, eagle head tattoo on left arm, intentional bidily harm with a deadly weapon, probation violation; Jacqueline Annette Jones, BF, 35, 5'9", 230 lbs, tattoos, right neck, "Tank," left neck, "Son," right shoulder, "Phil," right wrist, "Amari," left wrist, "Ghavann," criminal threat, probation violation for transporting open container (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "sara@interhnet.com.br"
        titled "Of rubbing, sucking/licking, and even massage?"


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include that girl chewing
gum
.

lifeless.jpg "You need ten items or less to be in this line . . . fewer you mean fewer . . . stop resisting arrest with grammar . . . Life Saver Dude: Hey, dudes! The woman is right! She's innocent!
lifeless.jpg "You need ten items or less to be in this line . . . fewer you mean fewer . . . stop resisting arrest with grammar . . . Life Saver Dude: Hey, dudes! The woman is right! She's innocent!

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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