January 28, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the
week's headlines
:

Oprah 2020: 'Yes, I'm running!" (Life & Style); The #WeToo movement: It's fine if ladies want to have a march (latest fad), b-but what about us? Neglected husbands, empty fridges, unwashed laundry, starving kids, time's up, women abandon families for D.C. rally (Onion)

A Tabloid Headlines editorial:  Fuck 'em, Garrison!

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 1/21/18 @11:15 PST:
Much briefer, but your story about a Montgomery County (In-
diana) woman who
stabbed her children, 7 and 3, to death be-
cause her husband sued for divorce seems as gruesome as the
"Crazy News" I alerted you to from California.
You have an excellent point, sir; but the main point of our terse re-
buttal
to your letter of January 16 was  to  falsely  portray  Tabloid
Headlines as "holier than they" ("they" being the Washington Post,
the New York Times, the Los Angeles Times,  the National Enqui-
rer,
and the Globe).   Please be assured that Tabloid Headlines will
pursue diligent coverage of the Perris 13 (and please be assured al-
so that our future coverage will include investigation of why  Cali-
fornia insists on misspelling "Paris" as "Perris").  – Natty Bumppo,
Editor, Tabloid Headlines

Dumb news from Indiana
:
Banners posted outside a Unitarian church in West Lafay-
ette slurred gays and included the message "DIE, FUCK-
ERS, ORLANDO JUST LIKE LAS VEGAS,"  seeming-
ly referring to a Jackson Browne performance scheduled
in Orlando,  Florida,  Tuesday  (officials in Orlando took
precautions).
                              [courtesy Lafaytte Journal & Courier]

shelonda.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Shelonda Dillard, BF, 5'5", 210 lbs, theft, fraud, failure to appear (and she has a new haircuit); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Geoffrey Kish, WM, assault with a dangerous weapon (and a John A. Durbin II lookalike) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
shelonda.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Shelonda Dillard, BF, 5'5", 210 lbs, theft, fraud, failure to appear (and she has a new haircuit); Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Geoffrey Kish, WM, assault with a dangerous weapon (and a John A. Durbin II lookalike) (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

johnrobt.jpg John Robert Smith, WM, 24, 6'0", 275 lbs, theft, criminal confinement; Onica Deakins, WF, 44, 5'9", 150 lbs, theft: Brandy Doss, WF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, residential entry, criminal mischief; Lorna Lea Cottom, WF, 52, 5'2:, 135 lbs, burglary; Craig Alan Elinger, WM, 45, 5'10", 150 lbs, dealing meth (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
johnrobt.jpg John Robert Smith, WM, 24, 6'0", 275 lbs, theft, criminal confinement; Onica Deakins, WF, 44, 5'9", 150 lbs, theft: Brandy Doss, WF, 26, 5'2", 130 lbs, residential entry, criminal mischief; Lorna Lea Cottom, WF, 52, 5'2:, 135 lbs, burglary; Craig Alan Elinger, WM, 45, 5'10", 150 lbs, dealing meth (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
tyresede.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Tyrese McCullum, BM, 27, 6'0", 165 lbs, intimidation; Brittany Jo Olson, WF, 28, 5'3", 140 lbs, possession of a narcotic drug; Amber Danielle Torrres, BF, 25, 4'11", 190 lbs, escape; Tiffany Marie Baldwin, WF, 30, 5'2", 160 lbs, auto theft overstay at the China Buffet; Demarcus Lashun Booker, BM, 25, 5'10", 175 lbs, failure to return to lawful detention
tyresede.jpg Terre Haute's most wanted: Tyrese McCullum, BM, 27, 6'0", 165 lbs, intimidation; Brittany Jo Olson, WF, 28, 5'3", 140 lbs, possession of a narcotic drug; Amber Danielle Torrres, BF, 25, 4'11", 190 lbs, escape; Tiffany Marie Baldwin, WF, 30, 5'2", 160 lbs, auto theft overstay at the China Buffet; Demarcus Lashun Booker, BM, 25, 5'10", 175 lbs, failure to return to lawful detention
nikkibuis.jpg Nikki Lyn Buis, WF, 23, 5'2", 125 lbs, battery by bodily waste; Katie Frye, WF, 28, 5'1", 115 lbs, burglary; Kellie Ruth Akers, WF, 29, 5'5", 160 lbs, maintaining a common nuisance; Christy Nicole Queen, WF, 28, 5'1", 140 lbs, probation violation; Rachel Nicloe [sic] Camp, 27, 5'1", 100 lbs, auto theft (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
nikkibuis.jpg Nikki Lyn Buis, WF, 23, 5'2", 125 lbs, battery by bodily waste; Katie Frye, WF, 28, 5'1", 115 lbs, burglary; Kellie Ruth Akers, WF, 29, 5'5", 160 lbs, maintaining a common nuisance; Christy Nicole Queen, WF, 28, 5'1", 140 lbs, probation violation; Rachel Nicloe [sic] Camp, 27, 5'1", 100 lbs, auto theft (Wabash Valley Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Corbin High School basketball player apologized  for  saying,  af-
ter beating Knox Central High School, "Sometimes you just have to
put the monkey back in  its  cage,"  which  some  Knox County fans
viewed as a racist remark directed at their black players . . . .

quadariu.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Quadarius Wright, BM, 20, 5'7", 165 lbs, misspelled Polish translation of "Quadarius" on visa application; Rachel Spencer, WF, 32, 5'6", 140 lbs, contagious sadnss; Mary Chastain, WF, 32, 5'2", 110 lbs, socked it to her; Lech Yanicko, WM, 27, 5'11", 165 lbs, 127 traffic violations ("it's not easy being Polish in a Southern city") (dragged kicking and screaming from the Hereald-Leader)
       heltonsa.jpg Earl Helton Jr., WM, 43, 6'0", 170 lbs, unlawfully macho; Amanda Beatty, WF, 38, 5'4", 120 lbs on the prowl and caught between the Helton brothers; Steve Helton, WM, 39, 6'2", 210 lbs, unconrolled lust
quadariu.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Quadarius Wright, BM, 20, 5'7", 165 lbs, misspelled Polish translation of "Quadarius" on visa application; Rachel Spencer, WF, 32, 5'6", 140 lbs, contagious sadnss; Mary Chastain, WF, 32, 5'2", 110 lbs, socked it to her; Lech Yanicko, WM, 27, 5'11", 165 lbs, 127 traffic violations ("it's not easy being Polish in a Southern city") (dragged kicking and screaming from the Hereald-Leader); heltonsa.jpg Earl Helton Jr., WM, 43, 6'0", 170 lbs, unlawfully macho; Amanda Beatty, WF, 38, 5'4", 120 lbs on the prowl and caught between the Helton brothers; Steve Helton, WM, 39, 6'2", 210 lbs, unconrolled lust
pickup  truck  was stolen at a service station in Frankfort
while its owner was inside paying for his gasoline. . . .

A bill in the state legislature would consolidate 100 of  Ken-
tucky's 120 counties into 34  (leaving 54, if we got the math
right). . . .

Reba  McEntire  was commissioned the new Colonel of KFC
(formerly Kentucky Fried Chicken). . . .

A 19-year-old Illinois man told a Paducah  high  school  girl
(falsely) that he was the Marshall County High School shoo-
ter and that she would be next. . . .

One of the fatal victims in the Marshall County
shooting tele-
phoned her mother after she had been shot but
failed to speak.

                                                                      [courtesy LEX18]

The editor of the Marshall County internet newspaper rushed
to the school when she heard of the shooting only to discover
that the shooter was her son. . . .

The Institution of Corruption Studies at Illinois State University
rated Kentucky politicians the most corrupt in the country.

                                          [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]

Helicopters were relocating the state's elk.
                                                                            [Herald-Leader]
Quotation of the week:

       
"We need to unmask what could be called the 'snake tactics' used by those who disguise them-
          selves in order to strike at any time and place.   This was the strategy employed by the crafty
          serpent in Genesis who,  at the dawn of humanity,  created the first fake news,  which  began
          the tragic history of human sin."
                                                                   – Pope Jorge, on World Communications Day

Quotation of the weak
:

                                        "If companies do what some of them seem to be doing now and invest it in
                                          the real economy – not just bonuses, but make those kind of changes . . . ."


                                                                                                      Maggie Lake, host of CNN's Money

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"There's a lot of controversy about Alanis Morissette."
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  Elevated IPA.


Unisex name of the week:  Riley.


Buzz w
ords that need a nap:  "Stay with us."


Birthdays:
                    January 22:  Jim Jarmusch, 65
             
                            Piper Laurie, 86
                                         Ivan the Great (1444-1505)
                   
January 23:  Hakeem Olajuwon, 55
                                         Gary Burton, 75
                                         Chita Rivera, 85
                    January 24: 
Neil Diamond, 77
                                         Sharon Tate (1943-1969)
                    January 25:  Alicia Keys, 37
                                         Elvis Presley Jr., 45
                                         Lou "The Toe" Groza (1924-2000)
                    January 26:  Wayne Gretzky, 57
                                         Ellen DeGeneres, 60
                                         Lucinda Williams, 65
                                         Huey "Piano" Smith, 84
                                         Bob Uecker, 84
                    January 27:  Margo Timmins, 57
                    January 28:  Sarah McLachlan, 50
                                         Alan Alda, 82
Deaths:
                Mort Walker, 94
                Hugh Masekela, 78
                Virginia Dale Hutsell, 93
                May J. Huttsell, 96
                James Anthony "Jim-Bob" Jones, 53
                                                                                [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A German nurse was charged with killing 99 patients at hospitals in Ol-
denburg
Delmenhorst  (at his first trial, he said he intentionally brought
about cardiac crises because he enjoyed the feeling of being able  to  re-
suscitate them) – or, why did the moron beat his head against the wall?)
.  .  .  Thai Prime Minister Pryayuth was under fire to fire Deputy Prime
Minister Prawit (you may need to listen to this one).
                                                                                    [courtesy AP, NPR]

ebonyedd.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kaansas): Ebony Pennington, 37, black hair, brown eyes, 145 lbs, 5'7", PR bond canceled, evading arrest/dention [sic] with vehicle; Eddie Ramone Barry Jr., 32, blonde [sic] hair, green [sic] eyes, 200 lbs, 5'8", federal supervised release violation, cash reward for tips
ebonyedd.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kaansas): Ebony Pennington, 37, black hair, brown eyes, 145 lbs, 5'7", PR bond canceled, evading arrest/dention [sic] with vehicle; Eddie Ramone Barry Jr., 32, blonde [sic] hair, green [sic] eyes, 200 lbs, 5'8", federal supervised release violation, cash reward for tips
ericjess.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Eric Donta Wright, BM, 35, a/k/a Tyson Chepelle, Derrick Pleasant, Eric Carraine, 6' 3", 185 lbs, tattoos "EZ" on neck, "T" on chest, "Thug" on left arm, "Easy" on right arm, possession of opiates and firearm; Wanted in Waco: Jessica Bahena Aguilar, HF, 35, 5'2", 280 lbs, conditional release violation, unauth. absence from jail, overstay at the China Buffet (Sedgwick County Sheriff, City of Waco)
ericjess.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Eric Donta Wright, BM, 35, a/k/a Tyson Chepelle, Derrick Pleasant, Eric Carraine, 6' 3", 185 lbs, tattoos "EZ" on neck, "T" on chest, "Thug" on left arm, "Easy" on right arm, possession of opiates and firearm; Wanted in Waco: Jessica Bahena Aguilar, HF, 35, 5'2", 280 lbs, conditional release violation, unauth. absence from jail, overstay at the China Buffet (Sedgwick County Sheriff, City of Waco)
Dear Eleanor:
I am a 37-year-old divorced mom of two.  I have recently got-
ten into relationships with two completely different men. One
of them,  "Steve,"  has the life I have always wanted;  and  he
says he loves me more than life itself.  The  other,  "Rick,"  I
love more than life itself; but sometimes I have the feeling he
doesn't love me as much as I do him.

If I were to love Steve the way I love Rick or if Rick were to
love me the way Steve does,  the decision would  be  clear.  I
can see myself making a life with either of them. I risk losing
either one as a friend if I pick the other one.

They both love my kids, and I love theirs.  Both want to build
a life with me.  How do I decide which path to take?   Once  I
choose,  how  do  I  not  have  questions or doubts about what
might have been if I had chosen the other?
                                                                      Stuck in a Triangle
Dear Trixie:
                        You have a dilemma,  fer shure;  but the choices be-
                        fore you are not the two you stated.

                       
Have the two met each other?    Do you think they'd
                        get along?  If so, the first choice would be a ménage
                        à trois
.

                        If you think that wouldn't work, then the answer is to
                        marry Steve and keep Rick on the sly side and out of
                        sight.  Even if Steve found out, he'd probably forgive
                        you, and, maybe, even, indulge you.
 


Yorkshire hog of the week (the sports):
                                           Tonya Harding    tonyahog.jpg


Unopened e-mail last week included messages from "j
osi@jotanet.com.br"
        and "c
alidad@eurocarsa.com" titled "Begin your brand new life . . . "
        and
another message from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Ste-
        phen Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Ari Shapiro  and
Ur i Berliner.

lifeklan.jpg Life Saver Dude: This newspaper photo did not make the paper the year it was taken

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

  Remember,  if you don't want to receive any more of this  inane  crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

  But  remember  also,  you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, 
without quotation marks,  and  without
that  redundant 
"Re:"  that appears in so many subject lines  or you
will keep getting this shit!  ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.  We
have a special filter to detect that.)


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 21, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the
week's headlines
:

President's first physical: Doctor: No heart, cognitive issues (Champaign (Ill.) News-Gazette) Hot no frills romance, Priscilla's new lover lives in trailer park, he's had run-ins with the law, and she doesn't know it! (Globe); Nurse slaughters 60 babies (Globe); Trump prposes adding 'unless you're from a shithole country' to Statue of Liberty poem (Borowitz)
President's first physical: Doctor: No heart, cognitive issues (Champaign (Ill.) News-Gazette) Hot no frills romance, Priscilla's new lover lives in trailer park, he's had run-ins with the law, and she doesn't know it! (Globe); Nurse slaughters 60 babies (Globe); Trump prposes adding 'unless you're from a shithole country' to Statue of Liberty poem (Borowitz)

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:

Fred Dean wrote Tues 1/16/18 @14:47 PST:
Crazy news from California.
Yes,  it's all over the internet and the TV – but the torture,  im-
prisonment and shackling of 13 children, aged 2 to 29, in their
own "home school" is too  gruesome  and  bizarre  for Tabloid
Headlines.  Thanks anyway.    – Editor


Unisex name of the week: 
Floyd.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The Hancock County health service network paid $55,000
in ransom to hackers  to regain access to its computer sys-
tem, and then hackers hit the Adams County network. . . .

A resident shot out the windshield of a Dubois County high-
way snow plow at Birdseye, injuring the driver. . . .

A Montgomery County woman stabbed her children, 7 and
3, to death because her husband sued for divorce. . . .

The woman who crashed through the ice into a pond in In-
dianapolis three weeks ago died. . . .

A state senate committee killed a bill that would have allow-
ed cold beer sales by groceries, pharmacies and convenience
stores.
                                                  [courtesy Columbus Republic]
sunnysar.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Sunny Stewart, BM, 5'8", 135 lbs, criminal recklessness; Sarah Bruggner, WF, 5'5", 145 lbs, felony DUI; Rebecca Banks, WF, 5'5", 130 lbs, violation of court order; Michael Cinelli, 5'11", 200 lbs, incest x2; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Demetrius Demond Gordon, BM, domestic violence, welfare fraud; Shelekia Ta-Shay Davis, BF, larceny in a building; Sean Eugene Allen, M, race unknown, domestic violence x3 (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
sunnysar.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Sunny Stewart, BM, 5'8", 135 lbs, criminal recklessness; Sarah Bruggner, WF, 5'5", 145 lbs, felony DUI; Rebecca Banks, WF, 5'5", 130 lbs, violation of court order; Michael Cinelli, 5'11", 200 lbs, incest x2; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Demetrius Demond Gordon, BM, domestic violence, welfare fraud; Shelekia Ta-Shay Davis, BF, larceny in a building; Sean Eugene Allen, M, race unknown, domestic violence x3 (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The assistant police chief of Prospect, a Louisville suburb, sent a
Clutterbook Facebook message to a Louisville police recruit tell-
ing him that if he caught black juveniles smoking marijuana,  he
should shoot them.
                                                      [courtesy the Courier-Journal]

pizza  was delivered to a home in Goldbug,  Whitley  County,
that had not ordered it; and the deliveryman said it was from Piz-
za Hut in Williamsburg, which does not have delivery service. . . .

The Bowling Green neighbor who attacked Senator Rand Paul in
Paul's yard,  already charged with the state crime of assault,  was
charged additionally with the federal crime  of assaulting a mem-
ber of Congress. . . .

A sheriff's posse rescued a horse from a  frozen  pond  in Jackson
County.
                                                                            [courtesy LEX18]

Borf Books' secretary's sister,  misspelling  "neighbor"  in a "text"
message,  was "auto-corrected" to  "nigger"  by
her I-Phone.
emprince.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Emprince Chenault, BM, 23, 5'7" 200 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, 4° assault; Vicky Hopkins, WF, 52, 5'2", fugitive from Texas; Sequanthie Taylor, BF, 22, 5'10", 160 lbs, arrested for lineup color balance (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
keithbra.jpg Keith Jefferson, BM, 25, 6'0", 260 lbs, unlawfully happy; Brandy Becksted, WF, 21, 5'4", 145 lbs, unlawfully hot; Ashley Lester, BF, 30 5'5", 128 lbs, danger to herself and others; Linda Perkins, BF, 61, 5'4", 180 lbs, still working at it; Meiondre Evans, BM, 20, 5'8", 150 lbs, unlawfully hoppy
emprince.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Emprince Chenault, BM, 23, 5'7" 200 lbs, featured fugitive of the week, 4° assault; Vicky Hopkins, WF, 52, 5'2", fugitive from Texas; Sequanthie Taylor, BF, 22, 5'10", 160 lbs, arrested for lineup color balance (dragged kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); keithbra.jpg Keith Jefferson, BM, 25, 6'0", 260 lbs, unlawfully happy; Brandy Becksted, WF, 21, 5'4", 145 lbs, unlawfully hot; Ashley Lester, BF, 30 5'5", 128 lbs, danger to herself and others; Linda Perkins, BF, 61, 5'4", 180 lbs, still working at it; Meiondre Evans, BM, 20, 5'8", 150 lbs, unlawfully hoppy
Dumb news from Kentucky and Indiana (and New Jersey):
Louisville Mayor Greg Fischer suggested increasing Kentucky's
cigarette tax from 60 cents a pack to $1.60 a pack – as the Parks
Department in Fishers, Indiana, a suburb of Indianapolis,  intro-
duced an ordinance to  prohibit  "vaping"  in city parks  (where
smoking already is prohibited) – and New Jersey adopted a law
prohibiting droning while intoxicated.

   [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal, Indianapolis Star, NPR]

Dumb news from Indiana and Ohio:
An Ohio sheriff was named commander of the Indiana National
Guard's 38th Infantry.
                                                                                        [LEX18]
Quotations of the week:
                                        "The #MeToo movement is a lesbian conspiracy to grab all the pussy."
                                                                                                                                                           – Gary Logsdon

                                        "Opera is where a guy gets stabbed in the back and instead of dying
                                          he sings."
                                                              
– Robert Benchley
Quotations of the weak:
                                           
"There's nothing in this information so far that actually links the two
                                              together."

                                                                  Dennis Wilder, former CIA official

                "We bring people from shithole countries because shithole Democrats need shithole votes so
                  they can turn America into a shithole."
                                                                                   – Franklin, Indiana, city councilman Joseph Ault
                                                                                      (a Republican) on Clutterbook Facebook
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"I do not like you.  This inbred thing – it's working against
  you.  I'm not saying you'd  suck  a  dick,  but I'll bet you'd
  wallow one around in your mouth a little. . . .
"
– Leonard Simon

Funny beer brands:  Morning Bell.


Stupid business slogans:  "Be good at Life."   – New York Life insurance company



Buzz words that need a nap:  "Join us."

Birthdays:
                    January 15:  Iris DeMent, 57
                                         Maria Baeza ("Charo"), 69 (she says; actually 77)
                                         Martin Luther King (really; 1929-1968)
                    January 16:  Ronnie Milsap, 75
                    January 17:  Michelle Obama, 54
                                         Steve Earle, 63
                                         Ezekiel Montanez ("Chris Montez"), 75
                                         Betty White, 96
                                         Muhammad Ali (1942-2016)
                    January 18:  Bobby Goldsboro, 77
                    January 19:  Dolly Parton, 72
                                         Janis Joplin (1943-1970)
                    January 20:  Bill Maher, 62
                                         Edwin "Buzz" Aldrin Jr., 88
                    January 21:  Emma Lee "Baby Spice" Bunton, 42
                                         Charles the Wise (1338-1380)
Deaths:
                Edwin Hawkins, 74
                Loviest Busby Jr., 72
               
Carla Hadjmohammadreza, 58
               
Bri'an "Bre" Perry, 20
               
Myrtle Viola Kiser Woodson Reynolds, 87
                Peg'o Shaw, 86
               
Margaret "Cissie" Zoeller Drake Veath, 94
                                                                                             [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Yorkshire hog of the week:
                                              dalehogb.jpg  Dale Ann Bradley

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
New Orleans iced over. . . . Hank Williams, the biggest star in the history
of country music, was booted from the Grand Ole Opry for drinking; and
Tony Bennett had a bigger hit with Hank's song "Cold, Cold Heart"  than
Hank did. . . . Brigitte Bardot called
#MeToo's "vast majority" "hypocriti-
cal and ridiculous." . . . 
Taylor Swift said  she  was  stalked. . . .  Former
Governor  Chris  Christie  of  New Jersey  was blocked from the VIP en-
trance to the Newark airport  and  ordered  to the Transportation Security
Administration  screening  line  by  the  Port Authority of New York and
New Jersey, which operates the airport (and also the George Washington
Bridge). . . .  A  deputy  sheriff  fatally shot a 16-year-old boy in a court-
room in Columbus,  Ohio. . . . An artist sculpted a DeLorean automobile
completely out of snow in Montreal, Canada, complete with a windshield
wiper for police to lay a ticket (it was parked in a snow removal zone). . . .
California Governor Jerry Brown again vetoed Leslie Van Houten's parole.

                                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, AP]

analizay.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Andrrea Benevides, 25, black hair, brown eyes, 156 lbs, 5'1", surety off bond, manufacture delivery of controlled substance PG1 o/4g-u/200g; Alizay Anderson, 22, black hair, brown eyes, 250 lbs, 5'4", surety off bond, violation of probation, harassment of public servant (and overstay at the China Buffet)
tianarus.jpg Tiana Leigh Scroggins, 37, blonde hair, green eyes, 193 lbs, 5'7", PR bond canceled, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone (and overstay at China Buffet); Russell Alan Klimek, a/k/a "Shiny Dome,," 47, brown hair, blue eyes, 145 lbs, 5'7", aggravated sexual assault of a child; armed and dangerous; cash reward; call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888
analizay.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week: Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Andrrea Benevides, 25, black hair, brown eyes, 156 lbs, 5'1", surety off bond, manufacture delivery of controlled substance PG1 o/4g-u/200g; Alizay Anderson, 22, black hair, brown eyes, 250 lbs, 5'4", surety off bond, violation of probation, harassment of public servant (and overstay at the China Buffet); tianarus.jpg Tiana Leigh Scroggins, 37, blonde hair, green eyes, 193 lbs, 5'7", PR bond canceled, possession of controlled substance in drug free zone (and overstay at China Buffet); Russell Alan Klimek, a/k/a "Shiny Dome,," 47, brown hair, blue eyes, 145 lbs, 5'7", aggravated sexual assault of a child; armed and dangerous; cash reward; call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888

     wetbackj.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Marie Ann McDonald-Moses, WF, 40, 5'9", 180 lbs, blonde hair, green eyes, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon; Kelli Millard, WF, 27, 5'5", 145 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, possession; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Joe Reyna, HM, a/k/a Wetback Joe, 36, 5'8", 230 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, tattoos on chest, both arms, both hands, evading child support arrest (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)
wetbackj.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Marie Ann McDonald-Moses, WF, 40, 5'9", 180 lbs, blonde hair, green eyes, aggravated battery with a deadly weapon; Kelli Millard, WF, 27, 5'5", 145 lbs, blonde hair, blue eyes, possession; Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Joe Reyna, HM, a/k/a Wetback Joe, 36, 5'8", 230 lbs, black hair, brown eyes, tattoos on chest, both arms, both hands, evading child support arrest (Sedgwick County Sheriff, Abilene Crime Stoppers)
The sports:
NASCAR hottie Danica Patrick was sleeping with Aaron Rod-
gers, quarterback of the
National  Football League's Green Bay
Packers.

Dear Eleanor:
I play cards with guys I've known for more than 20 years. We
switch partners after every six hands so that everyone partners
with everyone.

One member of the group has now become unable to remember
the rules and constantly asks how he should respond to his part-
ner's bid.  He also keeps asking the  score  and  whose deal it is.
Because we give small prizes for the high score I think it's chea-
ting to discuss a hand across the table.

What should we do when he asks the rules or how to bid a hand?
I think we should play as we always have,  and  not  discuss  the
hand or how to bid.   Should I find  another  group  to play with?
And how can I explain my reason for leaving the group?

                                                                          Simon in the South
Dear Simon:
                        You've gone south,  all right.  There is nothing illegal
                        about asking what the score is or whose deal it is, nor
                        even to ask how to bid  (but it would  be  illegal  table
                        talk for someone to answer his question about how to
                        bid).  "Table  talk"  is often defined as the illegal com-
                        munication of information to a partner in a card game,
                        but not all talk during a card game is illegal.

                        And whether it's a "money game"  has  nothing  to  do
                        with it.  Cheating is cheating,  regardless of the stakes.
                        Boy,  you have a lot to learn – maybe as much  as  the
                        man you are speaking of has to remember.

                        And here's another thing, Bub.  If you change partners
                        every six hands, you are usually changing teams in the
                        middle of a game. Perhaps you meant every six games?
                        You need to learn a little about what you are  talking  a-
                        bout.

                        How to explain to your buddies  is  not to tell them you
                        are leaving,  but to  ask them  how  they  feel about your
                        senile  member  and  ask them  what to do.  Maybe  you
                        should  kick out  (gently,  if you can)  the associate with
                        Alzheimer's.


lifesign.jpg WE THIANK YOU WE APPRECIAT YOUR BUSINESS
          Life Saver Dude: Will you make up your minds? or maybe I just
          read it wrong first . . .

Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "sean@voofoostudios.com"
         titled "New e-mail address now, sorry" and three more messages from "Clutterbook"
        "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message and other notifications you've missed
."


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include 
Stormy  Daniels
and her first cousin Smarmy Weather.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett



Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 14, 2018:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the
week's headlines:

Flu cases worsens (Edmonson News, Brownsville, Ky.); Malia Obama's wild life at Harvard (Globe); Megyn caught in office cheating scandal (Enquirer); Shirley Temple's secret diaries revealed, why she really left Hollywood (Closer), Nostradamus' lost predictions, killer weather, war, Trump, Pence, and now you! (Examiner)
Flu cases worsens (Edmonson News, Brownsville, Ky.); Malia Obama's wild life at Harvard (Globe); Megyn caught in office cheating scandal (Enquirer); Shirley Temple's secret diaries revealed, why she really left Hollywood (Closer), Nostradamus' lost predictions, killer weather, war, Trump, Pence, and now you! (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 1/7/18 @11:13 PST:
Just what is a Yorkshire hog?
It's a breed of swine,  beloved by the Wheat.   He  had
intercourse with a husky guest at our 1989  "20 Years
After" Woodstock festival,   and when he  got  back  to
the camp the next morning he was scolded for mating
a "Yorkshire hog."  – Editor


Dumb news from Indiana:
A 51-year-old Gary man, trying to beat a train to the crossing,
on foot, slipped and fell and got run over. . . .

State Senator Greg Walker, of Columbus, introduced a bill to
require election officials to count  dead  people's  votes – i.e.,
the ballots mailed in early by people who then died before E-
lection Day. . . .

Monroe County,  which lost the last of its 14 covered bridges
to arson in 1976, was spending $1.6 million to rebuild an 18-
85 covered bridge it got from Shelby County, over Beanblos-
som Creek.
                                                 [courtesy Columbus Republic]

gregmari.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Gregory Douglas Nicodem Jr., WM, possession of stolen credit card; Mario Adonis Cummings, BM, assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
gregmari.jpg Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Gregory Douglas Nicodem Jr., WM, possession of stolen credit card; Mario Adonis Cummings, BM, assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder (Michiana Crime Stoppers)

Dumb news from Kentucky:
Yorkshire hog Kenzie Slone, an 8th grader with Down's syn- 
drome, was named Homecoming Queen in Owesnboro. . . .

A man who sold crack cocaine to an undercover cop in Har-
din County ate the $20 bill used to pay for it and was charg-
ed with, in addition to dealing, tampering with evidence. . . .

kenziesl.jpg

A 20-year-old man was charged with raping a 13-year-girl
who kept him hidden in her basement in Elizabethtown for
five days. . . .

The principal of the Union Pointe Academy K-12 school  in
Union County
, wearing a policementality cap, sang a school
closing announcement on Clutterbook Facebook  to the tune
of the Mariah Carey song "Hero
."
                                                                    
[courtesy LEX18]
sarypaul.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Sary Shalash, WM, 36, 6'2", 180 lbs, Theft, alien, unisex name (courtesy Bluegrass Crime Stoppers); Paul Felty, WM, 31, 5'11", 225 lbs, wide of the law; James Wray, WM, 36, 6'3", earring theft (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
   russrick.jpg Wimps' row: Russell Gentry, WM, 26, 5'8", 140 lbs; Ricky Rowe, WM, 33, 5'8", 135 lbs; think they're innocent and the courts will treat them fairly
sarypaul.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Sary Shalash, WM, 36, 6'2", 180 lbs, Theft, alien, unisex name (courtesy Bluegrass Crime Stoppers); Paul Felty, WM, 31, 5'11", 225 lbs, wide of the law; James Wray, WM, 36, 6'3", earring theft (pulled kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader); russrick.jpg Wimps' row: Russell Gentry, WM, 26, 5'8", 140 lbs; Ricky Rowe, WM, 33, 5'8", 135 lbs; think they're innocent and the courts will treat them fairly

Quotation of the week
:

                                       "Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?"
    
                                                                                                                                       Donald sTrump
Quotation of the weak:

            "Here's the new pillow that everyone is talking about . . . ."
                                                                                                              – Pancake pillow commercial

Quotations repeated every week
:
                                                          "That's exactly right. . . .  That's exactly right. . . .  That's
                                                            exactly right. . . ."

                                                                                               –   Allison Aubrey
                                                          "Not necessarily."
                                                                                            Shankar Vedantam

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"Back in the old days the best connections were the Indians and the Chinaman
  that hung around the saloons.  The Indians had the peyote, and the Chinaman
  had the heroin.  And the Kentuckian had the whiskey."
– Leonard Simon


Funny beer brands:  Overboard IPA.


Silly business slogans:  "Dilly Dilly" – Budweiser Light.


Unisex name of the week:  Cyril.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "Thank you for having me."


Birthdays:
                    January 8:  Kim Young'n', 35
                                       Freb Cood, 79
                                       Elvis Presley (1935-1977)
                    January 9:  Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, 35
                                       Richard Nixon (1913-1994)
                    January 10:  Pat Benatar, 65
                                        Donald Fagen, 70
                                        Willie McCovey, 80
                    January 11:  Mary J. Bilge, 47
                                        Diana Ellen "Naomi" Judd, 72
                    January 12:  Kirstie Alley, 67
                                        Rush Limbaugh, 67
                                        Charles Emanuel the Great (1562-1630)
                    January 13:  Julia Louis-Dreyfus, 57
                    January 14:  Marjoe Gortner, 74
Deaths:
                Keith Jackson, 89
                Mouseketeer Doreen Tracey, 74
                Ellogene Barnes,  85
               
Jejuan Howard Goodloe, 25
                Sue Ellen Armstrong Hipple Yates, 71
                                                                                    [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A pen pal of the late Charles Manson and men claiming to be his son and
grandson were battling in a Los Angeles, California, court over his "mur-
derabilia
" – his  estate,  mainly songs and other writings – as his body re-
mained frozen more than a month after his death. .  .  . A hundred
French
celebrities, including actress Catherine Deneuve, signed an open letter in
Le Monde decrying "new puritanism"  and the denunciations of scores of
men in the "Me, too" sexual harassment scandal. . . .Willie Nelson, 84 and
having trouble breathing,  left a show in San Diego,  California,  after one
song and canceled his next three shows
. . . . Doctors were urging their pa-
tients not to eat laundry pods.

                                                                    [courtesy LEX18, HuffPost, AP]

deidraal.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Deidra Sharna Embers, 26, 125 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance; Alton Mytavian Mackey, 22, 160 lbs, 5'11", deadly conduct; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week
      calvnico.jpg Calvin Luis Escalate, 22, 210 lbs, 6'0", theft over $30,000, under $50,000; Nicole Veronica O'Keefe, 28, 125 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance
deidraal.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Deidra Sharna Embers, 26, 125 lbs, 5'0", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance; Alton Mytavian Mackey, 22, 160 lbs, 5'11", deadly conduct; Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; calvnico.jpg Calvin Luis Escalate, 22, 210 lbs, 6'0", theft over $30,000, under $50,000; Nicole Veronica O'Keefe, 28, 125 lbs, 5'3", violation of probation, possession of controlled substance; texomalb.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading to arrest; these fugitives should be considered armed and dangerous
                                                    texomalb.jpg Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week;
          call Crime Stoppers 940-322-9888, cash reward for tips leading
          to arrest; these fugitives should be considered armed and
          dangerous
             flyhorse.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Orvin J. Flyinghorse, native American male, 39, 5'11", 165 lbs, burglary; Shelley Ann Bice, WF, 54, 5'2", 140 lbs, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Wanted in Waco: Jasmine Monique Sapp, BF, 21, 5'6", 125 lbs, robbery with a deadly weapon (City of Waco, Texas)
flyhorse.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Orvin J. Flyinghorse, native American male, 39, 5'11", 165 lbs, burglary; Shelley Ann Bice, WF, 54, 5'2", 140 lbs, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Wanted in Waco: Jasmine Monique Sapp, BF, 21, 5'6", 125 lbs, robbery with a deadly weapon (City of Waco, Texas)
The sports:
College  football's  national championship game between
Georgia and Alabama was not on TV; so we can't tell you
who won or what the score was. . . .

Cleveland Browns fans held a parade to celebrate the 0-16
season
  of only the fifth team in National Football League
history not to win a game. The other four  were the Dallas
Cowboys in 1960  (11 losses),  the Tampa Bay Buccaneers
in 1976 (14), the Baltimore Colts in 1982 (8), and the De-
troit Lions  in  2008  (16).  But the Cowboys and the Colts
each got one tie in their record seasons.

Yorkshire hog of the week:

                                              huckahog.jpg  Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Dear Eleanor:
I'm in eighth grade, and I'm friends with more boys than girls
– probably because I'm a  "tomboy."   In manufacturing class
today I was hanging out with  "Ian."   We were in a big group
of boys and he started bragging about how this girl  had  sent
him  a topless photo  of  herself,  and then he pulled it up and
passed it around.  I was shocked,  but I realize people my age
don't always make smart decisions.  Adults tell us not to send
photos to people we don't know and never to send inappropri-
ate pictures to anyone.  That lesson sure  hit  home  when Ian
did what he did.

I want to caution other girls not to do what his girl friend did.
Pictures don't stay private.  I feel bad for that poor girl!

                
                                                         "Tommie" in PA
Dear Tommie:
                            You go, girl!  And I'm so proud you recognize your-
                             self as a "tomboy" and have not gone "trans" . . . .


Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "evilworker@warezhr.org"
        titled "New email here, sorry," a message from "Edwin Kagin," and two more
        messages from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message
        and other notifications you've missed
."



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near
future include
Robert Siegel.

lifelove.jpg Love has no label Life Saver Dude: Break my heart! Only Marlene Dietrich could do it before . . . .
lifelove.jpg Love has no label Life Saver Dude: Break my heart! Only Marlene Dietrich could do it before . . . .

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books borf@borfents.com               Ideas for a Better America
Box 413
                                                  The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210
            War Stories: The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  
270-597-2187         Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



January 7, 2018:   Things you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – the
week's headlines
:

Roy Moore heads to the mall to console self over election loss (Borowitz report); Pentagon Papers prove UFO's are real (Globe); JonBenet murder solved, killer found, bombshell written confession: "I hurt a little girl,' arrest imminent after 21 years (Star); Michelle walksouot, hires divorce lawyer after ugly showdown with Obama (National Examiner)
Roy Moore heads to the mall to console self over election loss (Borowitz report); Pentagon Papers prove UFO's are real (Globe); JonBenet murder solved, killer found, bombshell written confession: "I hurt a little girl,' arrest imminent after 21 years (Star); Michelle walksouot, hires divorce lawyer after ugly showdown with Obama (National Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
Bruce Mitchell wrote Sun 12/31/17 @05:18 PST re
one of last week's headlines:
Rich  Republicans  always  have  separate  bedrooms –
that's why there are more Democrats  than Republicans.
(That was the joke told by a certain party leader at state
conventions in Michigan back when I was a lad.)


Tabloid headlines from Turkey:
turkytab.jpg

Unisex name of the week:  Kat(t).

Dumb news from Indiana
:
An Indianapolis woman drove 150 yards from shore on a fro-
zen  pond
  before her car fell through the ice  and  submerged
(she was rescued but hospitalized in critical condition). . . .

A 4-year-old boy left in his mother's running SUV  while  she
went into a store in Brownsburg climbed into the driver's seat
and drove it into the store.

                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]
            cauffman.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Angel Cauffman - a new look (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
cauffman.jpg South Bend's most wanted: Angel Cauffman - a new look (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
State representatives were ordered to attend training to pre-
vent sexual harassment. . . .

A woman hiking in freezing temperature near Berea on New
Year's eve fell 50 feet off a cliff.
                                                                    
[courtesy LEX18]
murillol.jpg Covington's most wanted: Martin Murillo-Rodreguez, HM, 39, 5'7", 200 lbs, armed and dangerous, assault, possession of handgun by felon, overstay at the China Buffet; Lakisha Bandy, BF, 26, 5'4", 150 lbs, armed and dangerous, domestic violence; Jovaun McCrary, BM, 24, 5'8", 180 lbs, armed and dangerous, burglary; Robert Haynes, WM, 29, a/k/a Teddy Smith, 6'0", 165 lbs, armed and dangerous, robbery, burglary (River City News)
murillol.jpg Covington's most wanted: Martin Murillo-Rodreguez, HM, 39, 5'7", 200 lbs, armed and dangerous, assault, possession of handgun by felon, overstay at the China Buffet; Lakisha Bandy, BF, 26, 5'4", 150 lbs, armed and dangerous, domestic violence; Jovaun McCrary, BM, 24, 5'8", 180 lbs, armed and dangerous, burglary; Robert Haynes, WM, 29, a/k/a Teddy Smith, 6'0", 165 lbs, armed and dangerous, robbery, burglary (River City News)
Quotation of the week:
                                            "The world owes you nothing.  It was here first."
                                                                                                                               – Mark Twain
Quotation of the weak:

       
    "I learned that the phenomena is indeed real."
                                                                                           Luis Eiizondo, former Defense Department
                                                                                              intelligence officer, speaking of UFO's
Quotations repeated every week
:

            "That's exactly right. . . .  Yeah, that's exactly right."
                                                                                                     –   Maryland Attorney General Brian Frosh

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon says):
"My new year's resolution for 2018, the Year of the Wheat:  Self-centered. self-
 seeking, self-absorbed, self-loathing, self-indulgent, living vicariously."
– Leonard Simon
Funny beer brands:  Carlton Brewing Beach Ale.


Buzz words that need a nap:  "Good to be with you."


Birthdays:
                    January 1:  Country Joe McDonald, 76
                                       Sigismund the Old (1467-1548)
                    January 2:  Norodom Ranariddh, 74
                                       Jim Bakker, 78
                    January 3:  Eli Manning, 37
                                       Stephen Sills, 71
                                       Apolonia Chalupec ("Pola Negri," 1897-1987)
                    January 4:  Patty Loveless, 61
                                       Andy Borowitz, 60
                                       Doris Kearns Goodwin, 75
                    January 5:  Charlie Rose, 76
                    January 6:  Nancy Lopez, 61
                    January 7:  Rand Paul, 55
                                       Katie Couric, 61
                                       Leona Williams, 75
                                       Geronimo Baqueiro Foster (1898-1967)
Deaths:
                Eleanor Roosevelt, 133
               
Nicholas Andrew Sue Boshell, baby boy
               
LaVerne Rhomance Burton, 81
                Edelmira Castano, 92
                Barbara Smith Beemsterboer Claire, 77
                Carlton "Luke" Lucas, 72
                Charles "Charlie" Lucas, 94
                Dorathey Mikel, 72
               
Bessie Harvine Hammond Pfeffer, 101
               
Erealyn Johnel "Jackie" Schrecker, 71
                                                                                     [Louisville Courier-Journal]

Yorkshire hog of the week:
                                              mccammon.jpg Sarah McCammon, National Public Radio reporter

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The license of a New Jersey surgeon suspected of using "one use" disposa-
ble anal catheters on multiple patients
was temporarily suspended. . . . Bio-
logists were hoping to prevent the extinction of the cacao plant. . . . A man
was found frozen to death in a trash bin in  St. Louis,  Missouri. . . . Carrie
Underwood got 40 to 50 facial sutures after a fall at her home in Nashville,
Tennessee  (we'll show you a pitture when we get one). .  .  . Snow  fell  on
Jacksonville and Tallahassee in Florida,  while the high temperature in An-
chorage Alaska was a record-tying balmy 44°.  .  .  .  Temperatures fell into
the 30's in Miami, Florida, and iguanas were falling from the trees.

                                                        [courtesy LEX18, Raw Story, NBC.com]
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Lindsey Kaathleen Washington, BF, a/k/a Lyndsie, 30, 5'3", 130 lbs, probation violation, theft: Jennifer Marie Jackson, WF, 41, 5'4", 150 lbs, tattoo on left ankle, mistreatment of adult dependent, theft (Sedwick County Sheriff)
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Lindsey Kaathleen Washington, BF, a/k/a Lyndsie, 30, 5'3", 130 lbs, probation violation, theft: Jennifer Marie Jackson, WF, 41, 5'4", 150 lbs, tattoo on left ankle, mistreatment of adult dependent, theft (Sedwick County Sheriff)
The sports:
This year's Rose Bowl not only did not have a team from the
Pac-12 college football conference or the Big 10; it wasn't e-
ven on TV. . . .

We are now accepting nominations for the Smorgasbowl,  to
be added to the list next winter.   We  already  have  Slippery
Rock
, Berea and Indiana.  Please send us your suggestions. . . .

Basketball hottie – Sam Fuehring, University of Louisville:
samfuehr.jpg

Dear Eleanor:
What is "training to prevent sexual harassment"?
                                                                                 Just Curious
Dear Curi:
                        It starts with a row of stand-up "Me, Too"ers explain-
                        ing to the men that women have "feelings."  The final
                        lesson is titled "Keep your pecker in your pants."


lifeaths.jpg American Atheists, 225 Cristiani St., Cranford NJ 07016-3214; forwarding service requested, 'It's time to fight back'; Life Saver Dude: Cristiana St., huh? And is the Pope's address on Diavolo Strada?
lifeaths.jpg American Atheists, 225 Cristiani St., Cranford NJ 07016-3214; forwarding service requested, 'It's time to fight back'; Life Saver Dude: Cristiana St., huh? And is the Pope's address on Diavolo Strada?

Unopened e-mail last week included messages  from  "evilworker@warezhr.org"
        titled "New email here, sorry," from "wakaf_mempelam@bescomm.tereng-
        ganu.my" titled "New mail address here, sorry, it's me," and two more mes-
        sages from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's message
        and other notifications you've missed
."

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include
Selena Scenenery.


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment"Karen Crockett


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