October
28, 2018: Things you would never know if
you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket
– the week's headlines:
Russia
hacks CIA (Enquirer); Michael Jackson back from dead, cutting-edge
science kept him in hyperbaric chamber for 9 years (Examiner); Cosby
learns piccolo in prison (Strange Times); Princess Kate, 96 lbs &
having baby No. 4 (Star); Saudi Crown Prince freaks as Guilani offers
to explain (Borowitz)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Jan wrote Fri 10/26/18 @17:55 EDT:
Oh,
the irony. Law
enforcement said that the misspellings
of
Hillary Clinton's & Debbie Wasserman-Schultz's names
in
Twitter & Facebook posts helped identify the MAGA
bomber.
That, and his van's being a mobile
shrine to Pee-
Resident Oompah Loompah.
Additionally, he wins this round of Asshole
Bingo:
✔ White
✔ Male (evidently on steroids too)
✔ Registered Republican
✔ RWNJ (Right Wing Nut Job)
✔ Racist
✔ Homophobe
✔ Antisemitic
✔ Believes in conspiracy theories
✔ Attended Trump rallies / posted selfies
✔ Prior arrests
✔ Has and wears deluxe edition of MAGA cap
✔ Florida man (extra points)
✔ Lived with parents until recently thrown out
✔ Once threatened to blow up utility company
✔ Male stripper/wrestler wannabee
Wow, thanks.
Almost
as bad as Brad Paisley dissing Peyton
Manning.
– Editor
Dumb news from Indiana
(see also the sports):
A
Valparaiso school
bus driver, 27, was charged with letting
three children – aged 17, 13 and 11 – drive her bus. . . .
Nyack, a 10-year-old lion on
loan to the Indianapolis zoo from
the San Diego, California, zoo, was killed by his mate
of eight
years, Zuri, in a domestic
squabble. . . .
The pilot of a
small airplane made an emergency
landing in a
ditch beside a shopping center in Indianapolis. . . .
A Catholic
priest in Merrillville was placed on leave after
re-
porting being attacked by someone complaining of sex
abuse. . . .
jennleah.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Jennifer Farwell, WF, 5'5", 130 lbs, Forgery,
FTA; Leah Seifer, WF, 155 lbs, unlawful possession of syringe,
paraphernalia (Michiana Crimer Stoppers)
Some Indianapolis apartments owners have employed a
compa-
ny called Poo
Prints to takes cheek swabs from renters' dogs
for
DNA samples to
identify dog shit.
[courtesy Columbus
Republic, WTHR]
A 107-pounder took the
prize at the Walter Hayes Memorial
Catfish
Tournament near Paducah on the Ohio River. . . .
Voting is
open on the Lexington Police Department's web site
and Twitter page on names for two recently acquired barn
cats
(the candidates for names of the feline brothers are Bit
& Bri-
dle, Starsky & Hutch, Woody & Buzz, and Smokey
& Bandit). . . .
lissareb.jpg
Melissa R. Whitt, 52, mobery; Rebecca Reynolds, 38, aggravated mobery;
shaleena.jpg Sarah E. Frankln,34, bail jumping; Shaleena D. Ray, 28;
Amanda Courtney, 33; mallorya.jpg 'n' yet an'er'n' perp in Paducah,
Alyssa D. Mallory, 24, bail jumping (McCracken County Sheriff)
A third
bear in three weeks was struck on State Highway 90
in
Wayne County.
[courtesy LEX18]
Quotations
of the week:
"
. . . It takes a lot of damn gall for
Saudi Arabia, with a dictatorship
with
3,000 political prisoners held without
trial, to lecture the U.S. on the pre-
sumption of innocence."
– Senator Rand
Paul (R-Ky.)
"Some people
talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while others sleep."
– Albert Camus
Quotation of the weak:
"But that is all besides the point."
– Sally
Herships, National Public Radio
Quotations of
the Wheat (Simon says):
"Miss, if you'll come home with me, I'll
get rid of
my Farrah Fawcett
blow-up doll."
– Leonard Simon
|
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Unisex name of the
week: Cecil.
Birthdays:
October 22: Lynette "Squeaky"
Fromme, 70
Catherine Deneuve, 75
October 23: Dwight Yoakam,
62
Alfred "Weird Al"
Yankowic, 59
Edson Arantes do Nascimento ("Pelé"),
78
October 24: Malcolm Y, a/k/a Chairman Mal, 35
Bill Wyman, 82
October 25: Katheryn
Elizabeth Hudson ("Katy Perry"), 34
Muffin Spencer-Devlin, 65
October 26: Keith Urban, 51
Hillary
Clinton, 71
Pat
Sajak, 72
October 27: Julia Roberts,
51
Marla Maples, 55
Dylan Thomas (1914-1953)
October 28: Mahmoud
Ahmadinejad, 62
Bill Gates, 63
Bruce
"Caitlyn" Jenner, 69
Deaths:
Tony Joe White, 75
Farolin Roberta "Lynne" Hicks, 75
LaDavid Aljuawn
"Dave"
DeLorch, 35
LePrecious Morris, 63
Romilda Schaaf, 77
Gretchen Schmuckie, 84
[Louisville
Courier-Journal]
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
A Catholic exorcist
scheduled special masses in San Jose, California,
to counter witches' hexes on Justice Kavanaugh. . . . A "good
Catholic
male" pharmacist in Petoskey, Michigan, refused
to fill a prescription
for a woman having a miscarriage. . . . The Department of Health
and
Human Services released a memo considering defining "gender"
as bi-
ological sex assigned at birth. . . . A week after the remains
of 11 in-
fants were found in the ceiling of a funeral home in Detroit,
Michi-
gan, police found 27 fetuses
in a freezer and 36 more in a box at a sec-
ond funeral home. . . . A high school cook in Potter,
Nebraska, who
added kangaroo
meat to a beef chili was fired. . . . A woman high on
meth and heroin tried to bite a man's penis off in Hanahan, South
Car-
olina, and then, naked and bloody, charged police on all fours
before
she was stopped by a
stun gun. . . . The rapper Ice-T
was arrested in
Fort Lee, New Jersey, for failing to pay a toll on the George
Washing-
ton Bridge, and also for failing to have license or registration
on the
new McLaren sports car he was driving. . . . Sinead
O'Connor conver-
ted to Islam and changed her name to Shuhadá Davitt. . . . See a chick-
en fuck a pig on
YouTube.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18,
AP]
The sports:
Two
college football players lost their suit against fan-
tasy
sports providers FanDuel and DraftKings for using
their
names, images and statistics without their permis-
sion because they were in
the news, Indiana's Supreme
Court
ruled. . . .
Both teams went scoreless
four innings in a row three
times in game 3 of baseball's world series, finally won
by the Los Angeles Dodgers in the 18th inning, after
seven hours. . . .
The Boston Red
Sox' involvement in this year's World
Series reminds us of our favorite Red Sock of all time,
Jackie
Jensen (1927-1982), their right fielder from 19-
54 to 1961, American League most valuable player in
1958 with 35 home runs and 122 RBI's, who retired
in 1961 because of his fear of flying and
the major
leagues' expansion to the West Coast. He was the
first guy to play in
the Rose Bowl, the World Series
and the All-Star Game.
|
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Dear Eleanor:
I received on Clutterbook an "invitation to an
event," from
a local friend
whose daughter lives out of state and is ex-
pecting.
Turns out, the shower
is on Clutterbook – or, at
least, "on line." The invitation carried a
link to the daugh-
ter's
"registry." There's no date – just choose a gift and pay
to send it to
her.
I always
thought of a shower as a social gathering, to show-
the honoree
with gifts, see what she gets, play games, visit,
and have
refreshments. This new concept seems to me to
be
in poor taste. I don't intend to participate,
but I'd feel
rude just
clicking on "Not going." Am I a crotchety relic?
Old
Timer in Texas
Dear Tex:
You're a relic, all right;
but I'll leave it to the girl's Mama and
others to call
you crotchety.
You don't have to click, and you don't have to send.
If you get
cross-examined on your neglect some day, you can
just let on
that your
friend's message musta got lost in the clutter. If and
when your friend's daughter comes home for a visit
some day,
and bothers to
call on you, you can surprise her with a gift and
a dinner, play
a game of scrabble with her (on a table, not "on
line"),
wish her well, and ask her what else she got.
Unopened e-mail last week included a
message from "mbklhlmpr@gkpwri-
isvipgaymjjd.juulumrockettis.com" titled
"Earn money w" and two more
messages
from "Clutterbook" "Facebook" titled
"See Stephen Yates's
message and other notifications you've missed."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Megyn
Kelly.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of
this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and
punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject
lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
October
21, 2018: Things you would never know if
you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket
– the week's headlines:
Coward
Cosby's prison hell (Globe); Bill Cosby marked for death in jail
(Enquirer); Tim McGraw sober to save his marriage (Globe); Trump sends
Sarah H. Sanders to Saudie Arabia as lies advisor (Borowitz); Kavanaugh
devestated to learn high court has no 'happy hour' (Boroeitz)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Nyjen Satey wrote Sun
10/14/18 @09:33 CDT:
So, does Columbus
not even observe Pocahontas Day?
Dumb news from Indiana:
A South Bend
policeman was charged with moving pumpkin
price stickers to more expensive items he
bought in a do-it-
yourself checkout aisle at Wal-Mart. . . .
Tennessee
rejected Valparaiso (Indiana) University's plan to re-
locate its law school at Middle Tennessee State
University in
Murfreesboro. . . .
Valparaiso city offices were moved from City
Hall to a vacant
elementary school.
[courtesy Columbus
Republic]
brycedeh.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Bryce Dehner, WM, 6'3", 155 lbs, attempted
murder x2; Joshua Carillo, HM, 5'5", 170 lbs, burglary; Wanted in
Berrien County, Michigan: Allen Douglas Reed, WM, nonsupport; Jenna
Marie Baker, WF, nonsupport; Louise Johnson, BF, assault w/intent to do
great bodily harm < murder; Freddie Lewis, BM, assault by
strangulation (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Southeast Edmonson County
Baptist Church congregation census, 12:-
30 p.m. Sunday, October 14:
New Liberty
Missionary, 14 vehicles
Icy Sink
Missionary, 24
Silent
Grove Missionary, zero
The
Mission, Brownsville, seven
Brownsville
General, zero
Brownsville
Missionary, zero
Pleasant
Union United, three
Oak Grove
United, zero
Oak Hill,
zero
[a Tabloid H. exclusive]
A coppertwoheaded
snake will stay on display at the Wildlife Education
Center in Frankfort as long as it stays healthy. . . .
Shayna
got life
in the can. 
[courtesy LEX18]
dearment.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Damien Dearment, WM, 33, 5'6", 160 lbs, just
thinkin' 'bout it; Legend Brown, BF, 21, 5'3", 120 lbs, done it &
proud of it; September Bonds, WF, 25, 5'3", 110 lbs, wishin' it were
still July; Kaila Reams, WF, 18, 5'3", 132 lbs, home at las!; Angela
Garrison, WF, 36, 5'6", 150 lbs, Better luck next time; Larhonda
Tompkins, BF, 33, 5'11", 179 lbs, dominatrix; Larvonia Jackson, BF (or
native Amer'c'n?) 40, 4' 11", 30 lbs, slave; Kanaetha Honeycutt, 29,
Mount Sterling (not Lexington), assault by stabbing (pulled kicking and
screaming from the Herald-Leader)
padper14,jpg
Perps of Paducah: Jennifer Renée Massey, 43, a/k/a Jennifer Hackney;
Johnny Harmon III, 25, trespass; Ashley Wooldrige, 37; Julio Dunivin,
30, contraband; Jennifere LeMasters, 31 (McCracken County Sheriff)
Unisex
name of the week: Peyton.
Quotation
of the week:
"As long as they are fucking with me, they are
leaving someone else
alone."
– baby_girl_a_freak,
on Pogo.com games
Quotations repeated every week:
"Exactly. . . . Precisely.
. . . Indeed."
– Shankar Vedantam
Classic Quotations of
the Wheat (Simon said January 31, 2016):
"Electronic
cigarettes? You might as well
suck a tit through a
flannel shirt, hadn't
you?"
– Leonard Simon
|
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kanconye.jpg Celebrity not-so-lookalikes: Kanye Trump, Conyay Twitty
Birthdays:
October 15: Richard Carpenter, 72
Penny Marshall, 75
Barry McGuire, 83
October 16: Bob Weir,
71
Tim
McCarver, 77
Angela
Lansbury, 93
Dave
DeBusschere (1942-2003)
Noah
Webster (1758-1843)
October 17: Earl Thomas Conley, 75
Jim Seals, 75
Gary
Puckett, 76
John Paul I (1912-1978)
October 18: Martina
Navratilova, 62
Willie Horton, 76 (the baseball star, not the
Michael Dukakis albatross)
Erin Moran (1960-2017)
Laura
Nyro (1947-1997)
October 19: Amy Carter, 51
Peter Max, 81
David
John Moore Cornwell ("John Le Carré"), 87
October 20: Wanda Jackson, 81
October 21: Hope Hicks, 30
Natalee Holloway, 32 (if she's living)
Kim Kardashian, 38
Judge
Judy, 76
Manfred Mann, 78
Edward "Whitey" Ford, 90
Deaths:
William Coors, 102
Walter D. Huddleston, 92
Jim Taylor, 83
Paul Allen, 65
Yvonne "Evon" Thomas, 86
Glespy Tuck, 95
[Louisville
Courier-Journal]
ponsonby.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Franklin S.
Ponsonby, WM, 27, 5'11", 200 lbs, domestic battery; Racheal K. Schnur,
34, 5'5", 130 lbs, opiates; Jacyn Eugene Kelley, 28, custodial
interference; Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas):
Samantha Lynn Carillo, HF, 22, 5'6", 150 lbs, burglary; Karen Kinsey,
WF, 53, 5'8", 147 lbs, controlled substance; Arrested in Abilene
(Texas, not Kansas): Toni Nicole Taylor, WF, 24, 5'7", 155 lbs,
burglary (Sedgwick County, Kansas, Sheriff; Texoma's most wanted
fugitives of the week courtesy Wichita Falls Crime Stoppers; Abilene
Crime Stoppers)
Borf
's weekly BONUS:
Vandals adorned
a statue of Revo-
lutionary War General Nathanael
Greene with "googly
eyes" on
Johnson Square in
Savannah,
Georgia. . . . Norman
Bates was
found the scariest movie villain in
a state-by-state survey on Google. . . .
|
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Miss
America stripped Georgia, Pennsylvania and West
Virginia's and
another, unnamed state's participation for efforts by pageant
officials in
those states to remove national directors. . . . India was
turning to a Cal-
vin Klein cologne to control a tiger
that has recently eaten 13 persons.
. . . A woman and her emotional
support squirrel were kicked off a Fron-
tier Airlines flight in Orlando, Florida. . . . A DNA
test of Massachu-
setts Senator Elizabeth Warren's blood suggested American
Indian her-
itage. . . . The grandmother of a 20-month-old girl found stabbed,
burn-
ed and dead in an oven in Shaw, Mississippi, was charged
with murder.
. . . An "agriculture
detector" beagle serving the airport at Atlanta, Ge-
orgia, found a roasted pig's head in the luggage of a passenger
from Ec-
uador. . . . Clutterbook Facebook took down
a posting of the Declara-
tion of Independence for "hate
speech" (a reference therein to "merci-
less Indian savages" was suspect). . . . A sex
doll brothel opened in To-
ronto, Canada.
[courtesy
LEX18,
AP]
Dear Abby:
My wife and I
decided to start a family,
and the topic
of names arose. My wife,
who was born
and raised in India, in-
sists on
Indian names for our children.
The problem
is. they are often difficult
to pronounce
and spell. I'm not oppo-
sed to Indian
middle names, but I think
traditional "Western" names may be
more
suitable, since we will live in the
United
States. How can I make her un-
derstand
that having "unusual" names
makes certain
aspects of children's lives
more difficult?
Making
Life Easy
Dear Making:
Your
wife's concept of giving the chil-
dren Indian names is lovely. However,
practically speaking, I agree with you.
Popular names
in one country can
cause problems for children
living in
another. Not only can
foreign names
be difficult to
pronounce and spell,
but they can also
cause a child to be
teased unmercifully.
Sometimes the
name can be a
problematic word in
the English language.
And one that
sounds beautiful in a foreign language
can be grating in English.
I hope your wife
will rethink this. Why
saddle a kid with a name he or she will
have to explain or correct with
friends,
teachers and fellow
employees, from
childhood into adulthood?
[Abby,
whose full pen name, Abigail Van Buren, is
a combination of Hebrew and Dutch, caught
hell
for this column.]
Dear Eleanor:
My husband has had sex with more than 80
women, he says. All the encounters, he says,
were when he was in high school
and in his
early 20's. Most were
one-night stands.
When we met,
he was honest; and I was un-
derstanding. He
didn't stay in touch with
any of those females. But
now he's "friends"
with several of them
on Clutterbook
Face-
book; and, while he doesn't "talk"
to them,
he "comments" and "likes" their
posts. This
makes me uncomfortable, as I
don't feel that
past sexual
partners should be part of one's
life once someone is
married. I'm not jeal-
ous or insecure; I just think
it's disrespectful.
Am I controlling?
Anxious
in Arizona
Dear Arizoxa:
I hope so!
But you'll have to "man up." Tell
the old
buzzard to back off.
Or you get on
Clutterbook and invite your
own "friends"
to be really
"friendly."
The sports:
How do we know
that Dallas
Keuchel
of the Houston Astros (who lost to the
Boston
Red Sox last week in the Am-
erican League baseball championship
series) is Jewish?
Because the sports broadcasters pro-
nounce his name, which would nor-
mally sound approximately "KOIK-el"
in German, "KIKE-el." . . .
|
|
The new University of Kentucky
baseball stadium was named Kentucky
Proud Park.
Unopened e-mail last week included a
message from "Al-
len Ray" titled "Re:" and two more messages from
"Clutterbook"
"Facebook" titled "See Stephen Yates's
message and other
notifications you've missed."
benavide.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Eric
Benavides, 46, trespass; Alexua Kingsland, 22, fail to ID fugitive;
Jennifer Richards, 41, DUI w/child; Kimberly Ybarra, 25, FTA; Johannah
Hooper, 29, misc; Jessica Magallan, 35, DUI; Vickie McGee, 66,
harassmt.; Michelle Burns, 30, assault; Thomas Hunsaker, 22, firearm
theft
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Dallas Keuchel.
lifemary.jpg LifeSaver Dude: We had a schoolmate we called 'Hairy Mary, the girl that shaves' - but this one didn't
"Your
worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment"
– Karen
Crockett
October
14, 2018: Things you would never know if
you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket
– the week's headlines:
Inside
the fights, lies, & final betrayal, Blake& Gwen split!,
pregnancy secret that triggered her walout, will he go back to newly
single Miranda, (and, uh, er, if so, will she have him? (Enquirer);
George blindsided, dumped on 4th anniversary, clueless Clooneys, Amal
wants custody and half the $billion (Life & Style); Richard Gere's
baby, the next Dalai Lama (Examiner)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Publius Leget wrote Tues
10/9/18 @16:04 CDT:
In light of evidence
yet surfacing of Brett Kavanaugh's
"wild and crazy guys" days of the early 1980's, I think
that for Christine Blasey Ford we can paraphrase what
Barry's
Boys said in 1964: "In your heart, you know
she's right."
Steve Yates wrote Thurs 10/11/18 @
18:14 CDT:
So, Stevie
Nicks was finally nominated for the Rock &
Roll Hall of Fame? Isn't that a little late? But,
speak-
ing of late, what about Edith Bunker? "Sweet
child of
my-yine," "Live and
let die-eye," "Knockin'
on Heav-
en's dor-war"?
Oops! My bad! That was Axl
Rose. . . .
Unisex name of the week: Billy the
Billie.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Purdue University
dropped its plan to add "Northwest"
to the name
of the school on its diplomas at its Lake
County campuses. . . .
The Associated Press reported that both Indiana
Senator Joe Don-
nelly and his Republican challenger, Mike Braun, lied
in their de-
bate last Monday.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
timothy2.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Timothy Mayberry, BM, murder; Timothy Barber,
WM, 5'10", 160 lbs, meth; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Tammy
Irene Akers, WF, embezzlement (Michiana Crime Stoppers)
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
Even the oppossi
log in to WMMT-FM for
mountain
music in Eastern Ken-
tucky. . . .
An ex-deputy sued the
Fayette County coroner
for sexual harassment. . .
|
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A Jackson County man who posted on Clutterbook
Facebook that he
was the victim of a wrongful traffic stop by the state police
said, in a
lawsuit, that he was visited at his home by three troopers,
including
the one who stopped him, who hit him in the head, shoved him,
chal-
lenged him to a fight and kicked
his dog, that they stole his fiancée's
s telephone as she was recording the incident, and that they
received
no response from calling 911, whose personnel explained that the
si-
tuation already was being handled by the state police. . . .
A man playing a Medieval
knight in a competition in Williamstown
was impaled on his 7-foot lance and died.
[courtesy LEX18]
jakevoge.jpg
Lexington's most wanted: Jakevo Edwards, BM, 43, 5'6", 150 lbs, mayhem;
Amanda Carrier, WF, 27, 5'5", 145 lbs, mayher; Jacqueline Wilson, WF,
39, 5'7", 150 lbs, Hemrage; Camravion Roberts, BF, 18, 5'7", 145 lbs,
cornrage (pulled kicking & screaming from the Herald-Leader)
padper13.jpg
Perps of Paducah: Cassidy McClendon, 29; Jennifer Choat, 36, a/k/a
Jennnifer Leigh Evans; Melanie Haynes, 36, bail jumping 1°; Chasity
Tabor, 37, violation of a protective order; Debria Dailey, 27
(McCracken County Sheriff)
Quotation
of the week:
" 'We the People' . . . has
become 'Me the President'."
– Colin Powell
Quotation of the weak:
"Joey was born . . . to his . . . parents . .
. ."
– Louisville
Courier-Journal obituaries
Classic
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said January 3,
2016):
"I cannot begin to
tell you how very, very disappointed I am in
Bill Cosby. Neither I, nor anyone I know, ever, ever
gave a
woman anything – beer, wine, liquor, aspirin
in a Coke, co-
caine, speed, crack, Quaaludes ("disco biscuits"),
Ecstasy, o-
pium, heroin, sleeping pills, anything – to
try to get into her
pants."
–
Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
October 8:
Soon-Yi Previn, 48
Sigourney Weaver, 69
Chevy Chase, 75
Jesse Jackson, 77
October 9: Sean Lennon, 43
Sharon Osbourne, 66
Jackson Browne, 70
John Lennon (1940-1980)
Johnny Stompanato (1925-1958)
Dionysius the Justified (1261-1325)
October 10: Dale
Earnhardt Jr., 44
Tanya Tucker, 60
Ben Vereen, 72
John Prine,72
Thelonius Monk (1917-1982)
October 11: Michelle Wie, 29
Gene Watson, 75
Art Blakey (1919-1990)
Eleanor Roosevelt
(1884-1962)
October 12: Nancy Kerrigan, 49
Tony
Kubek, 83
October 13: Tiffany Trump, 25
Marie Osmond, 59
Lacy J. Dalton, 72
Paul Simon, 77
October 14: Natalie
Maines, 44
Cliff Richard, 78
Ralph Lauren, 79
John W. Dean III, 80
Gary Graffman, 90
Mobutu Sese Seko (1930-1997)
Deaths:
George
Taliaferro, 91
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
Columbus,
Ohio, joined the list of American cities that have drop-
ped "Columbus Day," along with Cincinnati, Ohio, La Crosse, Wis-
consin, Somevrville, Massachusetts, and San Francisco,
California,
all of which, except Columbus,
still observe holiday closures on the
second Monday of October (and although the City of San Francisco
dropped it, it's still very much alive in North
Beach) – and it's "just
another day" also in Columbus, Indiana (they
say). . . . A DUI ar-
restee in Vero Beach, Florida, pleaded that he took gulps
of bourbon
only when stopped at traffic lights and stop signs. . . . A white
tiger
killed a zookeeper in Kagoshima, Japan. . . . The media lied
in sta-
ting that Hurricane Michael was the first hurricane to hit
Georgia
since 1898: Hurricane David hit the Peachtree State in 1979,
and
Kate kissed it in 1985 (fake fucking news). . . . Kanye West
made a
hat for the President saying "Make America Great" – without
the
"again,"
which he said hurts blacks (by the way, here's a substitute
for last week's defective link on Ye's 13th Amendment repeal
cam-
paign). . . . Lindsey Buckingham sued Fleetwood
Mac for kicking
him out. . . . Hillary Clinton's security clearance was
withdrawn by
the State Department (at
her request).
[courtesy
LEX18,
AP]
shannons.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls, Texas: Shannon Sheeree Allen, WF, 37, 5'5",
124 lbs, false ID; Samantha Lynn Carillo, HF, 22, 5'6", 150 lbs,
burglary; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Roxie
Ann Hailburton, BF, a/k/a Debbie L. Junior, 47, 5'9", 187 lbs,
aggravated battery; Pamara Tyronza Sanders, BF, a/k/a Pamara Tronze
Cooper,Catherine Cooper, 38, 5'3", 160 lbs, child torture; Taylan
McGolden Adair,BM, 3, a/k/a Talen McGold, Talend Adair, 6'3", 160 lbs,
tattoos "Me Shall No Prosper," left arm; "Talent," neck; "Any Weapon
Formed Against," right arm: Rude physical contact (Wichita Falls Crime
Stoppers, Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week; Sedgwick County
(Kansas) Sheriff
Dear
Eleanor:
My
best friend of 40 years and her boy friend live
several states away from my husband and me. Ev-
ery winter she and
her friend come to our home
for a
week. We can no longer do this.
Her friend is
a nice guy, but after a few days wehttp://www.therepublic.com/2018/11/02/in-custodian-arrested-voyeurism/
can hardly
stand him. He talks constantly, and he
knows everything
about everything. How can I
politely tell my friend that we
can't accommodate
them any more
without hurting her feelings and
maybe ending our friendship?
Weary
Out West
Dear WearyWart:
You can't. Bite the bullet.
Tell your friend
she is welcome, but
Blow-Hard Billy Bob
is not. And why. Let her
come up with an
explanation
if explanation to Blow Hard
must be.
She made her bed, and she has to
sleep in
it. But you don't.
chadanna.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Chad
Elledge, 48, burglary; Anna Martinez, 36, possession; Amber Hamilton,
22, poss. marij.; Katie McGary, 27, drug par.; Rebecca Simmons, 44,
burgl; Melissa Slatton, 34, possessn.; Valerie Solis, 36, poss.;
Alcario Guerra, 22, mj.
People who
invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook
Facebook
in the last week included LaTrese Latrese.
lifelowe.jpg
Freezers: Capacities: One person 3-7 cubic ft., small family 8-14 cubic
ft., medium to large family 15-25 cubic ft.; LIfe Saver Dude: Aha! Is
Lowe's now catering to serial killers?
Unopened e-mail last week included
messages from "Twitter"
titled "Hank Hebhoe, we miss you"; from "AARP"
titled
"We miss you – receive a Gift with AARP
Membership,"
and from "Clutterbook"
"Facebook" titled "See Stephen
Yates's message and other notifications
you've missed."
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in intellectual dissection
of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Stevie Nicks and
Lindsey Buckingham.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of
this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and
punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks, and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears in so many subject
lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work,
either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
October
7, 2018: Things you would never
know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at
the counter in the supermarket
– the week's headlines:
New
flood to hit entire U.S. (Examiner); Angie's regrets, 'I want Brad back
(Globe); To prevent Charles' arrest, Queen destroys Diana murder
evidence (Examiner); Obama hurt Kavanaugh did not blame him (Borowitz)
Unisex name of
the week: Michael
Leo.
Dumb news from Indiana:
A
man was arrested in Gary for videoing
police on a street
outside his home and posting it on line. . . .
The Spencer County Animal Control Board shut
down the
"rescue" center in Rockport that froze kittens for euthanasia.
. . .
State Bureau of Motor Vehicles
were closing tomorrow for
Columbus
Day (which isn't until Friday).
. . .
Students in
Hammond were protesting a change in diplomas
next year from "Purdue University" to
"Purdue University
Northwest."
[courtesy
Columbus Republic]
amysarah.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Amy Barr, WF, 5'10", 130 lbs, Unlawful
possession of syringe; Sarah Meidel, WF, 5'11", 150 lbs, AWOL from
jail; Wanted in Berrien County, Michigan: Tyesha Denise Booth, BF,
assault w/dangerous weapon; Bryna Nicole Morse, WF, uutering and
publishing; Lexington, Ky.'s: Chris York, WM, 42, 6'1", 185 lbs, dopery
(Ind. & Mich. courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers - Mr. York pulled
kicking and screaming from the Herald-Leader)
More dumb news from Kentucky:
Free cat adoptions were off-
ered by the Lexington Hu-
mane Society in celebration
of the University of Ken-
tucky Wildcats' 5-0 (so far*) football
season. . . .
|
 |
*
Sorry, it's over; Kentucky lost to Texas A&M last night; so
no more free kittens. . . .
Two Hardin County women who sold catnip
to drug buyers
were charged with possession of synthetic drugs. . . .
A possession of child pornography charge
against a Fort Mit-
chell man who had sex dolls
resembling an infant and an 8-
year-old girl, both bought from
China, was dropped because
no
actual children were involved. . . .
A school
bus stopped to unload children in Laurel County
was struck in the rear by a car occupied by the driver and
a
child, who were flown to Lexington with
serious injuries
(no one on the bus was hurt). . . .
Governor Selfie was raising funds for his
wife's foundation
with an internet contest to classify
his new beard. . . .
Governor Selfie tweeted
support for "Bring
Your Bible to
School Day" Thursday (but most schools were on fall
break). . . .
A URL once used for
applications for jobs in Governor Self-
ie's administration, but not renewed, now
hosts a Japanese
anime porn
site.
[courtesy LEX18]
padper12.jpg
Perps of Paducah: Christopher Hert, 41; Tessa Cutrer, 31, meth;
Quanesha Holmes, 36; Rachel Pool, 29, theft by deception; Keaton Vance,
23 (McCracken County Sheriff)
Quotations of the week:
"What are we dunking if it
isn't doughnuts?"
– Mary
Louise Kelly, NPR
(for-
merly National Public
Radio)
"That strikes me as the arsonist
taking credit for not burning down
your house."
– Scott
Lincicome, international
trade lawyer, scoffing at a
Trump
aide's praise for his principal's
NAFTA repatch
"The FBI
'extended background check' was a
sham to preserve the Kavnaugh
scam.!"
– Publius
Leget
Quotation of the weak:
"People are not stupid."
–
David Brooks, New York Times, on PBS
News Hour
(ca. 10:55)
Quotations of
the Wheat (Simon says):
"I'm a lot taller when I'm standing on my
wallet."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
ellenmar.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Tyler "Ninja" Blevins, Roger Federer, Ellen DeGeneres, Matteusz Grabski
Birthdays:
October 1: Julie Andrews, 83
Jimmy Carter, 94
October 2: Kelly Ripa, 48
Gillian Welch,
51
Theresa May, 62
Gina
Haspel, 62
Gordon Sumner
("Sting"), 67
Annie Leibowitz, 69
Jana Novotna
(1968-2017)
October
3: Gwen Stefani, 49
Al Sharpton, 64
Ernest Evans ("Chubby Checker"), 77
Stevie Ray Vaughan (1954-1990)
Eddie Cochran
(1938-1960)
October 4: Anne Rice, 77
Leroy Van Dyke, 89
Louis the Stubborn (1289-1316)
October 5: Kate Winslett, 43
Steve Miller, 75
Teresa
Heinz Kerry, 80
Barry Switzer, 81
Bill Dana (1924-2017)
Philip Berrigan (1923-2002)
October 6:
Little Millie Small, 72
Britt Ekland,
76
October 7: Vladimir Putin, 66
John Mellencamp, 67
Oliver North, 75
Joy Behar, 75
Desmond Tutu, 87
Joel
Emmanuel Hägglund ("Joe Hill," 1879-1915)
Deaths:
Charles Aznavour, 94
Otis Rush, 84
Peggy
Sue, 78
Jai'-dyn Michael Lee Cecil, 4 months
Trypp Anthony Menser, 4
Opal
Riber "Pete" Proctor, 91
[Louisville Courier-Journal]
Borf 's
weekly BONUS:
Kanye West advocated
repealing the 13th
Amendment (and changed his
name to "Ye.").
. . . Roman
Polanski was proceeding on a new film. . . .
A patron feeding a 1-year-old rhinoceros
at the zoo in Cincinnati, Ohio,
was bitten on the finger. . . . A karaoke disk jockey in
Seattle, Washing-
ton, in a fundraiser, sang Garth Brooks' song "Friends
in Low Places" o-
ver and over for 36 hours (with
occasional restroom breaks). . . . The
Mormon Tabernacle Choir was renamed the Tabernacle
Choir at Temple
Square
(remember when the
"FC" in "KFC" stood for "Fried Chicken"?).
. . . The guy who sent castor beans to the White House and the Pentagon
had his return address on the envelopes.
[courtesy Harper's,
LEX18,
AP]
The President
boards Air Force One with a piece of the
trampled Constitution
hanging on his shoe. . . .
The sports: Are you ready
for a new baseball
statistic? WAR.
jentyong.jpg Mug shot lookalikes: Wayne Jean, Robert Young; nattymug.jpg James Woods, Natty Bumppo
Dear
Eleanor:
My older sister,
"Lily," is in a biracial marriage
and has a son. Dad
didn't approve. He gave Lily
an ultimatum when she met
"Rodney": Choose
between him and us.
She chose Rodney.
After 30 years of not
speaking to her and influen-
cing her siblings to do the
same way, our mother
died; and Dad rekindled his
relationship with Lily.
He's 82 now, and he
puts her and her family first.
He spends money on them and
a lot of time with
her and her son.
The
rest of us feel so much resentment. I
realize
he's making up for lost
time and feels guilty. But
it's sickening when we
remember how he pushed
us to feel the way he did
back then and now ex-
pects us to do an emotional
180. We are OK with
being with our sister and
her family. It's Dad we
have the problem
with. How do we move on?
Upset
in the East
Dear
Uppity:
Sounds like Dad
convinced you. You didn't say
he "urged" us to do
the same; you said he "influ-
enced us" to.
And you left something
out: Is Rodney the upp-
ity nigger, or the
condescending cracker? And
Lily, the
other, I guess. So, that leaves
the rest
of you: Uppity,
conde, or simply
biased yet?
And what about the little
boy? Do any of his un-
cles and aunts love him?
Don't worry about your Dad;
he's finally figured
it out. It's time you
and your sibs did.
The movies: D.J.
FLUFFERNUTTER
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't
forget! Readers interested in
intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Brett Kavanaugh.
kimberan.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Kimberly Aidala, 21, possession; Amand Galvan, 21, possession;
Stephanie Begay, 33, poss.; Ariana Limones, 18, false ID; Alejandra San
Agustin, 27, p.; Brandi Samaniego, 37, poss.; Amber Jimez, 25, mj.;
Nancy Soto, 43, theft
Unopened e-mail last week included a message from "Lyft Driver
Opportunity"
titled "Drive with Lyft,
get a $500 bonus."
lifebigd.jpg Life Saver Dude: "Spaces matter;" Big D INNER BOX
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any
more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also,
you have to spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above, without quotation marks,
and without
that redundant "Re:" that appears
in so many subject lines or you
will keep getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't
work, either. We
have a special filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett