May 29, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while waiting for your wife  at  the  counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22055.jpg Willie Nelson, 89, secrets of crazy life, how he bears old age, booze, drugs & women, private heartaches (Examiner); Bribes, affairs & lies, phone hack scandal, shocking royal secrets exposed, Kate 'traps William," Meghan 'makes Harry cry,' Andrew calls Fergie 'a fat cow,' Charles & Camilla's 'hot sex' (US); Princess Charlotte,7, 'One day I'll be Queen,' speaks four languages, looks just like her father Prince William at same age (US)
hed22055.jpg Willie Nelson, 89, secrets of crazy life, how he bears old age, booze, drugs & women, private heartaches (Examiner); Bribes, affairs & lies, phone hack scandal, shocking royal secrets exposed, Kate 'traps William,"
Meghan 'makes Harry cry,' Andrew calls Fergie 'a fat cow,' Charles & Camilla's 'hot sex' (US); Princess Charlotte,7, 'One day I'll be Queen,' speaks four languages, looks just like her father Prince William at same age (US)
hed22055 Heartbroken Brad: I haven't seen my kids in 5 years,' abuse, lies & brainwashing, Angie's threat revealed, Angie suing FBI over plane incident,3 major deal breakers in divorce, why Shiloh won't answer Dad Brad (US); Jennifer Grey tells all, fame, regrets & wild affairs, 'I was living a double life,' what she wishes she'd say to Patrick Swayze now, 'my nose job from Hell' (Star)
hed22055 Heartbroken Brad: I haven't seen my kids in 5 years,' abuse, lies & brainwashing, Angie's threat revealed, Angie suing FBI over plane incident,3 major deal breakers in divorce, why Shiloh won't answer Dad Brad (US); Jennifer Grey tells all, fame, regrets & wild affairs, 'I was living a double life,' what she wishes she'd say to Patrick Swayze now, 'my nose job from Hell' (Star)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Steve Yates wrote Sun 5/22/22 @13:44 CDT re
"Googlable" / "Googlible":
Google it.
And we did!  On Google we got nine hits on "Googlable,"
three hits on "Googlible" – and five hits on "Googleable."

And on our onelook.com dictionary site, we got three hits
on "Googlable," one on "Googlible,"  and six on "Google-
able."
                – Editor

Malachi wrote Sun 5/22/22 @12:40 CDT:
googleable
J. Ewing wrote Mon 5/23/22 @07:32 EDT:
Today's new word:  fructoballistophobia – the fear
of having fruit thrown at you.  Donald Trump's fix-
er testified that Trump was unusually afraid  of  ta-
king a pie to the face.  And the Daily Beast reveal-
ed that Trump has a bizarre fear of pineapples,  to-
matoes and bananas being thrown at him by angry
protesters.

Dumb news from Indiana:
Indianapolis' 500 Mile Race, which was run on Memorial Day
from 1911 until 1974, will get off at 13:00 EDT today, the Sun-
day of Memorial Day Weekend, according to its new schedule,
which means now it is never run on Memorial Day, which was

changed from May 30 in 1970 to the last Monday in May.  Or-
iginally it was called
Decoration Day, from its inception in 18-
68. 
The real curiosity is that  tomorrow,  the  last  Monday  in
May, will  be  May  30.  That happens about once every seven
years. 

The race  used to begin at 11 a.m. but now begins at 1 p.m. ac-
cording to a change in 2005 to improve television ratings.

                                                [a Tabloid Headlines exclusive]

A man resigned from the Kokomo City Council after  it  was
pointed out that he does not reside in the district he was elec-
ted to represent (upsetting the incumbent).

                                                      [courtesy Kokomo Tribune]

treyvoun.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Treyvoun Battice, BM, 5'9", 175 lbs, strangulation; Jennifer Hall, WF, 5'5", 110 lbs, "blonde," probation violation (meth); Keosha Bellman, BF, 5'6", 200 lbs (Y. hog), battery by bodily waste; Alicia Simonson, WF, 5'3", 110 lbs, coke; Adain a/k/a Alden Aguilar, WM, 5'8", 150 lbs, tattoos? meth
treyvoun.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Treyvoun Battice, BM, 5'9", 175 lbs, strangulation; Jennifer Hall, WF, 5'5", 110 lbs, "blonde," probation violation (meth);
Keosha Bellman, BF, 5'6", 200 lbs (Y. hog), battery by bodily waste; Alicia Simonson, WF, 5'3", 110 lbs, coke; Adain a/k/a Alden Aguilar, WM, 5'8", 150 lbs, tattoos? meth

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
A white Louisville Male High School teacher was under
disciplinary review after being seen  on  video  calling  a
black student a monkey.

                                [courtesy Louisville Courier-Journal]


evyceleb.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Evy* Yates, high school grraudate last Sunday and daughter of Tabloid Headlines' roving reporter, Steve Yates , Anne Hathaway, L.A. Times crossword cover girl
vyceleb.jpg Celebrity lookalikes: Evy* Yates, high school grraudate last Sunday and daughter of Tabloid Headlines' roving reporter, Steve Yates , Anne Hathaway, L.A. Times crossword cover girl
* pronounced "Evvy"
"And,  she's one of ours!" said Cowboy Jack.
"She's from Sunfish!"

"Da's right!" said Bumppo, Tabloid Headlines editor.

"Da's exactly right!" said Cowboy Jack.

"Thank 'em," said Bumppo.
                                                                    [courtesy Sunfish Astonisher]

devontei.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Devonte Deon Ivory, BM, 26, 6'1", 180 lbs, abandoning a child; Amber Nicole Scherff, WF, 39, 5'4", 128 lbs, prob. viol. (forgery); Eric Nicole Burton Jr., BM, 26, 5'10", 155 lbs, probation viol. (family assault); Ashley Johnson, WF, 31, 5'1", 120 lbs, bond forf. (injury to child); Beau Ryan Arceneaux, WM, 33, 6', 170 lbs, aggravated robbery (Texoma's)
devontei.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Devonte Deon Ivory, BM, 26, 6'1", 180 lbs, abandoning a child; Amber Nicole Scherff, WF, 39, 5'4", 128 lbs, prob. viol. (forgery);
Eric Nicole Burton Jr., BM, 26, 5'10", 155 lbs, probation viol. (family assault); Ashley Johnson, WF, 31, 5'1", 120 lbs, bond forf. (injury to child); Beau Ryan Arceneaux, WM, 33, 6', 170 lbs, aggravated robbery (Texoma's)

Quotations of  the week:
                                           "I sold chocolate ice cream, diced marshmallows and
                                              nuts, but it was a rocky road."

                                                                                                    – Richard Lederer

        "No shortage of middle fingers were exchanged between the two sides."

                                                – Tim Mak, National Public Radio, reporting on confrontations at
                                                    the National Rifle Association convention in Houston, Texas


        " 'Divorce' comes from the old Latin word 'divorcerum,' which means having
           your genitals torn out by your wallet."
                                                                            – Robin Williams

        "The motherland, friends, is not the president's ass that should be constantly
          caressed and kissed."
                                                               
–  Russian rock star Yuri Shevchuk

Birthdays:
                    May 23:  Jewel (Kilcher), 48
                                   Rosemary Clooney (1928-2002)
                    May 24:  Roseanne Cash, 67
                                   Priscilla Presley, 77
                                   Patti LaBelle, 78
                                   Gary Burghoff, 79
                                   Bob Dylan, 81
                                   Tommy Chong, 84
                    May 25:  Leslie Uggams, 79
                                   Miriam Johnson ("Jessi Colter"), 79
                                   Tom T. Hall (1936-2021)
                    May 26:  Hank Williams Jr., 73
                                   Stephanie "Stevie" Nicks, 74
                                   Marion Morrison ("John Wayne," 1907-1979)
                    May 27:  Marjorie Taylor Greene, 48
                                   Ramsey Lewis, 87
                                   Henry Kissinger, 99
                                   Priscilla White ("Cilla Black," 1943-2015)
                    May 28:  John Fogerty, 77
                                    Gladys Knight, 78
                                    Rudolph Giuliani, 78
                                    Carroll Baker, 91
                    May 29:  Annette Bening, 64
                                   John Hinckley, 67
                                    Al Unser Sr. (1939-2021)
                                    Sylvia Robinson ("Mickey & Sylvia," 1935-2011)
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Hazel Henderson, 89
                                Alan White, 72
                                Ray Liotta, 67
                                Andy Fletcher, 60

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                              29D:  "One having a cow"
                    Answer:  MEATEATER
                                                   [L.A. Times 5/21/22]

nonoana.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff) (bailed out or escaped before we could ID him); Casey Jones, 20, DUI; Annette Ellingburg, 38, c.s.; Joyce Padgett, 46, ctld. subs.; Maxine Fuentes, 45, no insurance; Natalie Rivera, 26, pub. drunk; Elizabeth Usery, 26, theft; Nicholas Gonzales, 31, DUI
nonoana.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff) (bailed out or escaped before we could ID him); Casey Jones, 20, DUI; Annette Ellingburg, 38, c.s.; Joyce Padgett, 46, ctld. subs.; Maxine Fuentes, 45, no insurance; Natalie Rivera, 26, pub. drunk; Elizabeth Usery, 26, theft; Nicholas Gonzales, 31, DUI

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Arby's added hamburgers to its menu. . . .  A federal appeals court ruled
against a Florida law that prohibited anti-conservative remarks on social
media
. . . . Footage from the Buffalo,  N.Y.,  racial  murders  temporarily
live-streamed on Twitch wound up on Clutterbook Facebook. . . . Monk-
eypox was reported in Europe,  Australia,  Canada and the United States.
.  .  .  A puppy born with upside down paws in Oklahoma  died in correc-
tive surgery. . . . Nancy Crampton Brophy,  author of a popular article ti-
tled "How to murder your husband,"  was found guilty of murdering her
husband in Portland, Oregon.
                                                                [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
                            After more than 40 years of devotion to my husband,
                            I have finally realized what a stonehearted jerk he is.
                            I have done everything in my power to love,  respect
                            and encourage him.    But I have fallen into a pattern
                            of picking up the pieces of my heart and overlooking
                            my own hurt in order to give him another chance and
                            keep the peace in our home.


                            All of this is "not important" to him, as he has told me
                            numerous times.  My marriage is terribly lonely.  Year
                            after year  his disinterest and disregard for my feelings
                            has chipped away at the love I once had.  I have fought
                            hard to stay in his life; and he tells me, "So what?" and
                            "Leave if you want to."  My pleadings fall on deaf ears,
                            and he refuses to discuss it.


                            I have raised our children and worked beside him and
                            also outside the home.   I have contributed as much as
                            he has to build our life together.  This is obviously not
                            how I envisioned our retirement,  but I've had enough
                            and am finally ready to begin a new life without him.

                            Where do I start?
                                                                                              Beyond Sad
Dear Beyonde:
                             DIVORCE.  Keep the will.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of important current events are
invited to attend  the  Weekly  World  News  Round  Table  at  the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include

  
seniors1.jpg Gage Abney, Kateland Adams, Alaina Alexander, Tristin Anderson, Madison Atkins, DanyaleAtwell, Jacob Bennett, Zander Bradford, Logan Brooks, Isaia Brown, Haley Browning, Breanna Bruce, Danielle Bryington, Cole Bullock, Reagan Bullock
seniors1.jpg Gage Abney, Kateland Adams, Alaina Alexander, Tristin Anderson, Madison Atkins, DanyaleAtwell, Jacob Bennett, Zander Bradford, Logan Brooks, Isaia Brown, Haley Browning, Breanna Bruce, Danielle Bryington, Cole Bullock, Reagan Bullock


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cial filter to detect that.)


lifestog.jpg 3-D Stooges Life Saver Dude: They hurt me even in 2-D B&W!
lifestog.jpg 3-D Stooges Life Saver Dude: They hurt me even in 2-D B&W!

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


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May 22, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while waiting for your wife  at  the  counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:


hed22054 Why Trump's trashing Harry and  Meghan, what Diva Duchess did, "whipped" prince's insult, fears for ailing Queen, 96 (Enquirer); New health crisis, Bill Clinton, 75, at death's door, damaged heart, toxic shock, wasted, weak & struggling (Examiner); Skeleton at commencement to accept posthumous degree (Onion); Twitter in chaos, Musk turns out to be a bot (Borowitz Report); Florida judge rules airline cannot require tickets from passengers (Borowitz)
hed22054 Why Trump's trashing Harry and  Meghan, what Diva Duchess did, "whipped" prince's insult, fears for ailing Queen, 96 (Enquirer); New health crisis, Bill Clinton, 75, at death's door, damaged heart, toxic shock, wasted, weak & struggling (Examiner);
Skeleton at commencement to accept posthumous degree (Onion); Twitter in chaos, Musk turns out to be a bot (Borowitz Report); Florida judge rules airline cannot require tickets from passengers (Borowitz)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 5/15/22 @11:29 PDT:
Birthdays May 12:  Burt Bacharach, 94.  I'm reminded of a pet
you had umpteen years ago  that,  because of its behavior,  you
called "Burt Back-Up Rat."
It was a wind-up toy.
                                    – Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
One of multiple motorcyclists following a convertible got off
his bike and slugged the driver  unconscious  and into a crash
in Lawrenceburg.
                                                            [courtesy LEX18]
mannryan.jpg South Bend's most wanted (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Ryan Manning, B(?)M,, 5'6", 170 lbs, probation vi. (felon w/handgun); Eric Adams, BM, 5'5", 160 lbs, handgun w/o lic.; Timothy Parrish, WM, 5'11", 235 lbs, identify deception; Gregory Garner, BM, 5'10", 185 lbs, domestic battery i.f.o. child; Brandon Tates, BM,  5'11", 195 lbs, domestic battery in front of child
mannryan.jpg South Bend's most wanted (courtesy Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Ryan Manning, B(?)M,, 5'6", 170 lbs, probation vi. (felon w/handgun); Eric Adams, BM, 5'5", 160 lbs, handgun w/o lic.;
Timothy Parrish, WM, 5'11", 235 lbs, identify deception; Gregory Garner, BM, 5'10", 185 lbs, domestic battery i.f.o. child; Brandon Tates, BM,  5'11", 195 lbs, domestic battery in front of child

Dumb news from Kentucky
:
randalsc.jpg Busted in Bardston (Nelson County Gazette): Randall Scott Miller, 46, Bardstown, meth, mj, paraphernalia; Courtney Brooke Cissell, 29, New Haven, abetting Mr.Miller; Travis Wayne Cundiff, 42, Bardstown, public drunk & c.s.; Lanora Katherine Hoskins, 22, Muldraugh, f.t.a.; Charles Nichols Drury, 21, Bardstown, DUI, DWOL
randalsc.jpg Busted in Bardston (Nelson County Gazette): Randall Scott Miller, 46, Bardstown, meth, mj, paraphernalia; Courtney Brooke Cissell, 29, New Haven, abetting Mr.Miller; Travis Wayne Cundiff, 42, Bardstown, public drunk & c.s.; Lanora Katherine Hoskins, 22, Muldraugh, f.t.a.; Charles Nichols Drury, 21, Bardstown, DUI, DWOL

The Bluegrass' Nicholas County has been without a grocery store
since a flood wiped out the Sav-A-Lot nine months ago.
. . .

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell shook hands with Ukrainian
President Volodymyr Zelenskyy in Kyiv.

                                                                           [courtesy LEX18]

Quotations of the week:
                                          "I thought about becoming a poet, but the work was averse
                                             to my being, lamb that iamb."

                                                                                                  – Richard Lederer

        "It's sad that 50 per cent of marriages in this country end in divorce.  But, hey!
          The rest of them end in death!  You could be lucky."
                                                                                                 – Richard Jeni

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Whence the idiocy of the 'computer players' that partner
  with you in
games on line?  Even white men are smarter
  than 'bots.
"
                                                                       – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                    May 16:  Olga Korbut, 67
                                    Liberace (1919-1987)
                    May 17:  
Eithne Pádraigín Ní Bhraonáin (Enya Patricia Brennan, "Enya"), 61
                                    Charles "Sugar Ray" Leonard, 66
                                   
Henry Saint Clair Fredericks ("Taj Mahal"), 80
                                    Bob Saget (1956-2022)
                                    Jesse Winchester (1944-2014)
                    May 18:  Tina Fey, 52
                                    Reggie Jackson, 76
                    May 19:  JoJo Siwa, 19
                                    Pete Townshend, 77
                                    Nancy Kwan, 83
                                    Nicole Brown Simpson (1959-1994)
                                    Malcolm Little ("X") (1925-1965)
                                    Pol Pot  (1925-1998)
                    May 20:  Cher, 76
                                    Jill "Hey, Paula!" Jackson, 80
                                    Joe Cocker (1944-2014)
                    May 21:  Lawrence "Mr. T" Tureaud, 70
                                   Al Franken, 71
                                   Jeffrey Dahmer (1960-1994)
                   May 22:  Tommy John, 79
                                  Ted Kaczynski, 80
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Roger Angell, 101
                                Rosmarie Trapp, 93
                                Vangelis, 79


Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                                      27A:  "Pump part"
                                       Answer:  HEEL                                      
[L.A. Times 5/15/22]
    in the same puzzle:

                                        103D:  "Pump part"     Answer:  HANDLE


New word of the week:   GOOGLABLE   [submitted by Joretta Sekretarka – poll is o-
                                                                      pen on alternate spelling, "GOOGLIBLE"]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
Britney Spears had a miscarriage. .  .  . Clarence Thomas trashed his
present  Supreme  Court  compared  with the Court with Ruth Bader
Ginsburg. . . .  Bette Midler was ridiculed for suggesting "Try breast-
feeding
" to the baby formula shortage. . . . A six-hour standoff in Du-
luth, Minnesota, ended when police realized that the suspect had left
before they arrived. .  .  .  A passenger with no experience as an avia-
tor landed a plane in Palm Beach, Florida,  after the  pilot  suffered a
medical emergency. . . .  A 2-year-old boy in Kingsville, Texas, used
his mother's portable telephone  to order 31 McDonald's cheeseburg-
ers
to be delivered by DoorDash. . . . A  crane  operator  lost  his  job
for dropping a load of his own shit on a rooftop in Dublin, Ireland. . . .
Eric Clapton tested positive.
                                             
             [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


davidjas.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas,not Wichita Falls, Texas) (all wanted for probation violation): David Jason Riley-Campbell, WM, 40, 6', 190 lbs, threat; Terrence La'nar Burnes, BM, 43, 6'4", 190 lbs, tattoo on right arm, assault; Kenneth Nickolas Bond, WM, 54, 5'10", 150 lbs, burglary; Christopher Allen Trumpower, WM, 36, 5'8", 150 lbs, tattoos rt. arm, left wrist, chest, battery; Djuan Michael Richardson, BM, 38, 6'3", 250 lbs, attempted robbery, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
davidjas.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas,not Wichita Falls, Texas) (all wanted for probation violation): David Jason Riley-Campbell, WM, 40, 6', 190 lbs, threat; Terrence La'nar Burnes, BM, 43, 6'4", 190 lbs, tattoo on right arm, assault;
Kenneth Nickolas Bond, WM, 54, 5'10", 150 lbs, burglary; Christopher Allen Trumpower, WM, 36, 5'8", 150 lbs, tattoos rt. arm, left wrist, chest, battery; Djuan Michael Richardson, BM, 38, 6'3", 250 lbs, attempted robbery, theft (Sedgwick County Sheriff)

 jyheimde.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Jyheim Devaughn Bryant, BVM, 26, 6', 250 lbs, bond forf, agg assault; Felicia Michelle Charles, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs (Yorkshire hog), forgery; Alexiis Danielle Nobles, 22, 5'6", 100 lbs, abandoning child; Christin Miranda Matthews, WF, 38, 5'2", 102 lbs, abandoning child, Matthew Claud Robertson, WM, 45, 6'1", 300 lbs, burglary (Texoma's)
jyheimde.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas): Jyheim Devaughn Bryant, BVM, 26, 6', 250 lbs, bond forf, agg assault; Felicia Michelle Charles, WF, 5'6", 160 lbs (Yorkshire hog), forgery;
Alexiis Danielle Nobles, 22, 5'6", 100 lbs, abandoning child; Christin Miranda Matthews, WF, 38, 5'2", 102 lbs, abandoning child, Matthew Claud Robertson, WM, 45, 6'1", 300 lbs, burglary (Texoma's)


Dear Eleanor:
                            My sister and I have always been close.  She's married to a man
                            I have always thought of as domineering and arrogant. I suspect
                            also that he's emotionally abusive,  from things she has confided
                            over the years.  These include days of the silent treatment, refus-
                            ing to celebrate my sister's birthday,  and  discouraging  her from
                            taking a job she was interested in. He refuses counseling and says
                            whatever problems there are are her fault.   I've  held  my  tongue
                            and tried to tolerate him because she has chosen to stay with him.


                            He recently participated in a marathon and was connected to us and
                            many others through social media so we could follow the two-day e-
                            vent from start to finish.  After a day of  constant  "dinging"  on  my
                            phone I found his need for attention over the top and stopped follow-
                            ing.  My  sister  was  upset.  She said she was embarrassed and hurt.
                            When she asked why I stopped, I told her.


                            Now our relationship is damaged.   I apologized and tried to smooth
                            things over,  but she's now fully aware of my true feelings about him
                            after seeing and hearing how he's treated her over the years.   Should
                            I have "kept the peace," as our dear departed mother always said, and
                            continued to keep my mouth shut, or should I have been honest about
                            my feelings?
                                                                                                                 Protective of Sis

Dear Sispro:
                           Whose relationship is damaged?  Yours and hers,  or yours  and  his?
                           The best policy is to be honest.   You're liable to reconcile in the next
                           life.  And,  as Renée would say,  have a great weekend.


angeltob.jpg Locked up on San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Angel Tobias, 26, marijuana; Guadalupe Bargas, 36, c.s.; Tara Talamantes, 34, EPO viol.; Esperanza Medina, 44, child aban.; Rebecca Bricken, 40, c.s.; Reina Uranga-Quintana, 23, theft; Emily Jones, 22, fraud; Douglas Martinez, a/k/a Frito Bandito, 51, resisting arrest
angeltob.jpg Locked up on San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Angel Tobias, 26, marijuana; Guadalupe Bargas, 36, c.s.; Tara Talamantes, 34, EPO viol.;
Esperanza Medina, 44, child aban.; Rebecca Bricken, 40, c.s.; Reina Uranga-Quintana, 23, theft; Emily Jones, 22, fraud; Douglas Martinez, a/k/a Frito Bandito, 51, resisting arrest

sueliant.jpg Suelian Trinidad-Ortiz, 19, DUI; Cherisa Hudson, 37,DWOL; Kalesha Williams, 30,mischief,mj,paraphernalia; Ashley Landin, 35, mobery; Kari Williams,33, theft; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas): Jennifer Xiomira Figeruoa, 28, 5'3", 110 lbs, mj, parapher.
sueliant.jpg Suelian Trinidad-Ortiz, 19, DUI; Cherisa Hudson, 37,DWOL; Kalesha Williams, 30,mischief,mj,paraphernalia; Ashley Landin, 35, mobery; Kari Williams,33, theft; Wanted in Wichita (Kansas): Jennifer Xiomira Figeruoa, 28, 5'3", 110 lbs, mj, parapher.

The sports:

    The Cincinnati Reds lost a  no-hit  baseball game to the
Pirates in Pittsburgh,  1-0.   But it was the  Reds'
  pitchers,
Hunter Greene and Art Warren,  who  threw
  the  no-hitter.
The Reds made four hits in their loss.

    The Pirates became the sixth team since 1901  to win
a
Major League game without a hit.   And it was the
second
no-hitter this season thrown by more than one
pitcher. . . .

    A Brazilian soccer player was dropped  from  his  team
for continually farting in the locker room and laughing du-
ring the captain's speech.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!     Readers  interested  in intellectual dissection of
important  current  events  are  invited  to  attend  the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices  of  Borf  Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church  every  Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up  for meetings in the near future  include  c
ontributors  to  the
TED Radio Hour Manoush Zomorodi,
  Jeff Rogers,  Katie Simon, Fi-
ona Geiran, Brian Jarboe, Katie Sypher, Janet W. Lee, Daniel Shukin,
Sylvie Douglis, Christina Cala, Rommel Wood, Margaret Cirino,  Na-
tasha Branch,  Rachel Faulkner, Diba Mohtasham, Matthew Cloutier,
Katherine Sypher,  Katie Monteleone, Harrison Vijay Tsu, Maria Paz
Gutierrez, Sanaz Meshkinpour and James Delahoussaye.


lifesein.jpg "Someone just jumped off the Pont Neuf. He must be . . . " "in Seine" Life Saver Dude: Funny way to spell 'drunk'
lifesein.jpg "Someone just jumped off the Pont Neuf. He must be . . . " "in Seine" Life Saver Dude: Funny way to spell 'drunk'

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



May 15, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids  while waiting for your wife  at  the  counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:

hed22053 Shrinks' diagnosis worse than you thought, Joe Biden's dementia!, hallucinations, memory loss, dazed & easily confused (Enquirer); Grease stars dish after 45 years, secrets & scandals,Travolta's & Newton-John's romance, terrible tantrums &  back-stabbing, why their movie was cursed (Examiner); Dick Van Dyke, 96, brave last days (Examiner); In seclusion & fightting for life,frail Queen's final faarewell, stern warning to Harry & Meghan, tragic deathbed wish & instructions, family secrets told to Charles & William (Globe); The naked truth, Pat Sajak / Vanna White sex scandal (Globe)
hed22053 Shrinks' diagnosis worse than you thought, Joe Biden's dementia!, hallucinations, memory loss, dazed & easily confused (Enquirer); Grease stars dish after 45 years, secrets & scandals,Travolta's & Newton-John's romance, terrible tantrums &  back-stabbing, why their movie was cursed (Examiner);
Dick Van Dyke, 96, brave last days (Examiner); In seclusion & fightting for life,frail Queen's final faarewell, stern warning to Harry & Meghan, tragic deathbed wish & instructions, family secrets told to Charles & William (Globe); The naked truth, Pat Sajak / Vanna White sex scandal (Globe)
hed220532.jpg Julia Roberts back, why I disappeared for 10 years (Star); Walt Disney, the man behind the myth, how a shy, broke, hard-drinking artist from Missouri helped define America's goodness (Closer)
hed220532.jpg Julia Roberts back, why I disappeared for 10 years (Star); Walt Disney, the man behind the myth, how a shy, broke, hard-drinking artist from Missouri helped define America's goodness (Closer)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Mon 4/25/22 @13:44 CDT:
"Jake  Boone's  "Giving directions in the country"
is  easy  –  e.g.,  "You can't get there from here  –
but if you drive thataway about half an hour, turn
left where the big oak tree used to be . . . ."

Dumb news from Indiana
:
xavirhop.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Xavier Hopson, BM, 5'7", 145 lbs, domestic battery; Ricky Moreno Jr., WM, 5'11", 160 lbs, upside down ears, nonsupport; Cassidy Jones-Anderson, WF, 5'6", 120 lbs, upside down ears, sexl. miscon; Dwayne Dockery, BM, 6', 160 lbs, misshapen ears, resisting arrestd
xavirhop.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Xavier Hopson, BM, 5'7", 145 lbs, domestic battery; Ricky Moreno Jr., WM, 5'11", 160 lbs, upside down ears, nonsupport; Cassidy Jones-Anderson, WF, 5'6", 120 lbs, upside down ears, sexl. miscon; Dwayne Dockery, BM, 6', 160 lbs, misshapen ears, resisting arrest

Alabama murder suspect Casey White was rearrested in Ev-
ansville in a car crash after a police chase, and his
compani-
on, deputy jailer Vicky White (no kin),  committed suicide.


                                                 [courtesy Evansville Courier]

The ZwanzigZ brewery of Columbus won a  gold medal  with
its Fulcrum Imperial Stout in the 2022 World Beer Cup comp-
etition. . . .
                                                   [courtesy Columbus Republic]

A man in the Boone County Jail for killing his wife  won a pri-
mary election for township trustee.
                                                         [courtesy Washington Post]


Dumb news from Kentucky:
Julia Hawes Gordon,  removed from office as Daviess County
Family Court judge by the state Judicial Conduct Commission
in April for multiple violations, is running for re-election.

         [courtesy Yahoo! news, Owensboro Messenger-Inquirer]

Attorney General David Cameron,  a Republican  (and Negro),

announced his 2023 candidacy for governor; and the Kentucky
Democratic Party filed an ethics complaint against him, saying
he can't use his political office  to  target  a  political opponent,
Governor Andy Beshear  (a  Democrat,  expected to run for re-
election).
                                                                        [courtesy LEX18]
nichlaws.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Larry Nicholas Lawson, 30, Owensboro, parole viol. (paraph.); Amanda Gale Burgin, 31, Bardstown, DUI; Lechrisha Nicole Hall, 36, Frankfort, forgery; Heather J. D. Bell, 37, Bloomfield, probation viol. (meth); Roseanne Lee Woolett, 43, Bardstown, theft; Ashley Hiller, 34, Bloomfield, public drunk; Crystal Dawn Marie Walker, 37, Louisville, contempt of court; Terri Mae Wood, 40, Bardstown, failure to appear
nichlaws.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Larry Nicholas Lawson, 30, Owensboro, parole viol. (paraph.); Amanda Gale Burgin, 31, Bardstown, DUI; Lechrisha Nicole Hall, 36, Frankfort, forgery; Heather J. D. Bell, 37,
Bloomfield, probation viol. (meth); Roseanne Lee Woolett, 43, Bardstown, theft; Ashley Hiller, 34, Bloomfield, public drunk; Crystal Dawn Marie Walker, 37, Louisville, contempt of court; Terri Mae Wood, 40, Bardstown, failure to appear

Quotations of the week:
                                        "I applied for a job at the Air & Space Museum, but there was
                                          nothing inside."

                                                                        – Richard Lederer

        "My wife and I got remarried:  The divorce didn't work out."
                                                                                                            – Henny Youngman


Birthdays:
                    May 9:  Billy Joel, 73
                                  Candice Bergen
, 76
                                  Tommy Roe, 80
                   May 10:  Paul David Hewson ("Bono"), 62
                                  
Donovan Leitch, 76
                                   Dave Mason, 76
                                   Maybelle Carter (1909-1978)
                   May 11:  Louis Farrakhan, 89
                                   Mort Sahl (1927-2021)
                   May 12:  Burt Bacharach, 94
                   May 13:  Lena Dunham, 36
                                   Darius Rucker, 56
                                  
Stevland Hardaway Judkins Morris ("Stevie Wonder"), 72
                                   Richie Valenzuela ("Valens") (1941-1959)
                   May 14:  Mark Zuckerberg, 38
                                   Cate Blanchett, 53
                                   George Lucas, 78
                                   Tony Perez, 80
                                   Bobby Darin (1936-1973)
                    May 15:  Emmitt Smith, 53
                                   Lainie Kazan, 82
                                   Hugh Nanton Romney Jr. ("Wavy Gravy"), 86
                                   K. T. Oslin (1942-2020)
                                   Trini[dad] Lopez (1937-2020)
                                   Madeleine Albright (1937-2022)
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Randy Weaver, 74
                                Mike Hagerty, 67
plemmons.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas,not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week): Denniw Wayne Plemmons, WM, 57, 5'7", 150 lbs, cont. substances; Jennifer Marie Martinez, HF, 38, 4'9", 132 labs, family assault; Eric Joel Martinez, HM, 26, 6', 265 lbs, injury to child; Jaycee Dawn Burke, WF, 27, 5'3", 130 lbs, abandon. child; Kevin Gene Barnes, BM,49, 5'11", 185 lbs, ag. ass.
plemmons.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas,not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted fugitives of the week): Denniw Wayne Plemmons, WM, 57, 5'7", 150 lbs, cont. substances; Jennifer Marie Martinez,
HF, 38, 4'9", 132 labs, family assault; Eric Joel Martinez, HM, 26, 6', 265 lbs, injury to child; Jaycee Dawn Burke, WF, 27, 5'3", 130 lbs, abandon. child; Kevin Gene Barnes, BM,49, 5'11", 185 lbs, ag. ass.

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            4D:  "Some twins"
                    Answer:  BEDS                                                  
[L.A. Times 4512/22]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A white 7th grade teacher in Rochester, New York, was suspended
after referring to himself  as  "Massah"  and  instructing students to
pick seeds from balls of cotton  but  told black students to continue
after giving white students the option to stop. . . . Guns were found
to be the new leading cause of death for
United States children, sur-
passing automobile crashes. . . .Twelve seniors at Providence Chris-
tian Academy in Murfreesboro, Tennessee, will be graduating with
perfect 4.0 grade point averages;  thus the high school will have 12
valedictorians.

                                                        [courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
mirlopez.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita
mirlopez.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Alexander T. MIranda-Lopez, HM, 20, 5'3", 150 lbs, fondling a child; Heather Lashley Ochoa-Benavidez, WF, 32, 5'7", 180 lbs, opiates, felon with firearm; Jose T.. Martinez, HM, 22, 5'7", 202 lbs, robbery (Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I am the  step-grandmother  of a 7-year-old whom I
                            consider my granddaughter.  "Missy" does not have
                            a relationship with her father (my husband's son) al-
                            though we've been actively involved with her since
                            she was an infant.  Missy's mother has another child,
                            now 3, by another man.

                            We were told recently  that Missy cannot visit us on
                            weekends without her little brother.     Their mother
                            says he "cries all weekend when his sister's gone."

                            My husband and I feel that this woman is simply seek-
                            ing a weekend baby-sitter.    We have resorted to elab-
                            orate reasons we cannot have both kids, but I'm afraid
                            we're running out of excuses.    We have not seen Mis-
                            sy for weeks now,  but Grandpa still refuses to take in
                            Little Brother.  What should I do?
                                                                                                 
Perplexed
Dear Perple:
                          Take in the little fart.  Be grandparents.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't   forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited  to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at  the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,   Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include  the Judds  (not  Wy-
nonna and Naomi, the country music duo, but Wynonna and Ashley,
her sister, Naomi's daughters, who will explain why Naomi commit-
ted suicide.

trevinov.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Victoria Trevino, 35, theft; Justin Hardee, 28, DUI; William Cardenas, WM [sic], 38, mob; RaynaldoHinojosa,77, RD; Angelica Carter, 36k, c.s.; Robert White, 68, mobery; Manda Navarro,39, Ctld.subs.; Edwin Flott, 49, public drunk; Wendy Goodman, 46, c.s.
trevinov.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Victoria Trevino, 35, theft; Justin Hardee, 28, DUI; William Cardenas, WM [sic], 38, mob; RaynaldoHinojosa,77, RD; Angelica Carter, 36k, c.s.; Robert White, 68, mobery; Manda Navarro,39, Ctld.subs.; Edwin Flott, 49, public drunk; Wendy Goodman, 46, c.s.

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett 

lifeprid.jpg LIfe Saver Dude: Is that anything like a gregarious gaggle? "It's just my foolish pride"
lifeprid.jpg LIfe Saver Dude: Is that anything like a gregarious gaggle? "It's just my foolish pride"

Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



May 8, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife  at  the  counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:

hed22052.jpg America's economic doomsday is here! (Enquirer); Joe Biden's secret slush fund exposed (Globe); Johnny Debb v. Amber Heard, Hollywood's trial of the century (US Weekly); Secret trip to England part of $100M TV deal, Harry & Meghan using the Queen for money! Royal meeting lasted just 25 minutes, William begged Queen not to give in (In Touch Weekly); Why disgraced Andrew is still Queen's favorite son (Examiner)
hed22052.jpg America's economic doomsday is here! (Enquirer); Joe Biden's secret slush fund exposed (Globe); Johnny Debb v. Amber Heard, Hollywood's trial of the century (US Weekly); Secret trip to England part of $100M TV deal,
Harry & Meghan using the Queen for money! Royal meeting lasted just 25 minutes, William begged Queen not to give in (In Touch Weekly); Why disgraced Andrew is still Queen's favorite son (Examiner)
hed220522.jpg Exposing family lies in new book, Harry's bitter revenge on Camilla, trashes plan to make her Queen, settles score for mom Diana, real reason he & Meghan left royals (Enquirer); Our miracle babies! Miranda, 38, finally a mom! Britney, 40, It's a girl! (Star); Hollywood's 10 most notorious homewreckers, Katharine Hepburn, Ava Gardner, Liz Taylor, Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Tori Spelling, Leann Rimes, Claire Danes, Denise Richards (???) (Examiner)
hed220522.jpg Exposing family lies in new book, Harry's bitter revenge on Camilla, trashes plan to make her Queen, settles score for mom Diana, real reason he & Meghan left royals (Enquirer); Our miracle babies! Miranda, 38, finally a mom! Britney, 40, It's a girl! (Star);
Hollywood's 10 most notorious homewreckers, Katharine Hepburn, Ava Gardner, Liz Taylor, Julia Roberts, Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Lopez, Tori Spelling, Leann Rimes, Claire Danes, Denise Richards (???) (Examiner)

LETTERS to the EDITOR
:

Janna Calloway wrote Tues 5/3/22 (by U.S. mail):
I'd like to recieve [sic] the News tabloid bloopers.   Please
and thank you . . .  #2260232 Hobby Unit [Texas Women's

Prison],  742 FM [Farm to Market Road] 712,  Marlin  TX

76661.

Dumb news from Indiana:
The Evansville Redevelopment Commission  sold property
tagged for off-street parking to a California real estate com-

pany.
                                                [courtesy Evansville Courier]
antuwanc.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Antuean Clemons, BM, 5'`10", 180 lbs, prob. viol. (robbery; Karla Tillman,WF, 5'6", 150 lbs, cocaine, theft, f.t.a.; John Tarwacki, WM, 6'2", 170 lbs, sex offender residing too close to a school; Stephanie Garcia-Cardoso, WF, 5'11", 150 lbs, residential entry & theft, failure to appear; Tyrell Crumedy,BM, 5'6", 175 lbs, domestic battery, f.t.a.
antuwanc.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Antuean Clemons, BM, 5'`10", 180 lbs, prob. viol. (robbery; Karla Tillman,WF, 5'6", 150 lbs, cocaine, theft, f.t.a.; John Tarwacki, WM, 6'2", 170 lbs, sex offender residing too close to a school; Stephanie Garcia-Cardoso, WF, 5'11", 150 lbs, residential entry & theft, failure to appear; Tyrell Crumedy,BM, 5'6", 175 lbs, domestic battery, f.t.a.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
randpaul.jpg  
randptxt.jpg

Twenty-five horses died in a barn that burned down in Georgetown. . . .

Kentucky's Mitch McConnell  gave fellow U.S. Senate Repub-
licans bottles of Old Crow whiskey for the Kentucky Derby in
memory of Donald Trump's nickname for him  (long shot Rich
Strike won the race).
                                                                          [courtesy LEX18]
bobbyjoe.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nwlson County Gazette): Bobby Joe Barnes Jr., WM, 41, Bardstown, speeding; Evan Tyler Miller, 24, Louisville, failure to appear; Jonathan Lester Wingler, 50, Louisville, failure to appear; Charles Anthony Broaddus, 50, Bloomfield, negl.; Nestor Daniel Ramirez, 28, Bardstown, f.t.a.
bobbyjoe.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nwlson County Gazette): Bobby Joe Barnes Jr., WM, 41, Bardstown, speeding; Evan Tyler Miller, 24, Louisville, failure to appear; Jonathan Lester Wingler, 50, Louisville, failure to appear; Charles Anthony Broaddus, 50, Bloomfield, negl.; Nestor Daniel Ramirez, 28, Bardstown, f.t.a.
Quotations of the week:
                                 
       "He who wants peace must prepare for Godzilla."
                                                                                                                            – Claudius
        "The happiest time in your life is just after your first divorce."
                                                                                                                – John Kenneth Galbraith
        "Stop hitting on me; I'm really shy."
                                                                    Elon Musk, to Congresswoman A. O.-C.

        "I was an elevator operator.  That job had its ups and downs.  Eventually I got the
          shaft and took steps to quit."
                                                             – Richard Lederer


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"To all my senior citizen followers, motion is a lotion."

                                                                       – Leonard Simon
unkuraba.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Brandon Holt, 18, child sex abuse; Candice McGuire, 22, DUI; Kimberly Walker, 41, hitting parked car; Alissa Catrett, 26, fam. assault; Erika Rodrguez, 41, trespass; Kimberly White, 25, theft; Unkura Badunka, 23, mobery; Jessie Sheppard 55, para.
unkuraba.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Brandon Holt, 18, child sex abuse; Candice McGuire, 22, DUI; Kimberly Walker, 41, hitting parked car; Alissa Catrett, 26, fam. assault; Erika Rodrguez, 41, trespass; Kimberly White, 25, theft; Unkura Badunka, 23, mobery; Jessie Sheppard 55, para.

Birthdays:
                   May 2 Bianca Jagger, 77
                                Arnold George Dorsey ("Engelbert Humperdinck"), 86
                                Lesley Gore (1946-2015)
                   May 3:  Mary Hopkin, 72
                                Greg Gumbel, 76
                                Frankie Valli, 88
                                Ron Popeil (1935-2021)
                   May 4:  
Randy Travis, 63
                                Stella Parton, 79
                                George Will, 81
                                Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)
                  May 5:  Adele [ . . . Laurie Blue Adkins], 34
                                Tammy Wynette (1942-1998)
                   
                  May 6:  George Clooney, 61
                                Bob Seger, 77
                                Willie Mays, 91
                   May 7:  
Matt Gaetz, 40
                                Eva Peron (1919-1952)

                   May 8:  
Keith Jarrett, 77
                                Toni Tenille, 82
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Mickey Gilley, 86
                                David Birney, 83

Borf 's weekly BONUS
The  Judds  were inducted into the Country Music Hall of Fame last Sunday
only a day after the duo's Naomi Judd died  (her daughter Wynonna was the
rest of the duo – Wynonna's sister,  Ashley  Judd,  is a rather well known ac-
tress). . . . Nancy Pelosi and Angelina Jolie visited Ukraine. . . .
A probe into
the Minneapolis Police Department revealed that prosecutors have difficulty
using body camera footage in court because officers so frequently say offen-
sive and disrespectful things to suspects, witnesses and bystanders.  .  .  .  A
candidate for Oklahoma labor commissioner was prohibited  from  referring
to himself as "the Patriot" on the ballot. . . . The high court of Turkey
upheld
an official refusal to register the common Kurdish name "Ciwan"  because it
contains the non-Turkish letter "w." .  .  .   San Francisco disseminated liquid
birth control in city parks to curb the rat population. .  .  . A woman in Wales
married her cat. . . . 
New York University threatened to delay degrees to stu-
dents scalping tickets for Taylor Swift's commencement address. .  .  . A pro-
posed  amendment  to Canada's criminal code  would punish  astronauts  for
crimes committed on the Moon. .  .  . Eminem,  Lionel Richie,  Carly Simon,
the Eurythmics, Duran Duran, Pat Benatar  and Dolly Parton  were  inducted
into the Rock 'n' Roll Hall of Fame. . . . .A woman about to be buried in Peru
banged her coffin from the inside  in  protest. . . . 
Georgia's Congresswoman
Marjorie Taylor Greene testified she could not have played a part in the Janu-
ary 6, 2021, insurrection  because  she was abducted by a Jewish space ship
that day.
 
                                                                       [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


ryansilb.jpg wamted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted of the week): Ryan David Silberkraus, WM, 42, 5'10". 130 lbs, harassment on line; Tina Reed Crump, WF, 55, 5'2", 140 lbs, theft; Juan Manuel Valdez, HM, 35, 6', 155 lbs., exposure to a child; Mystica Lois Granado, HF, 25, 5'3", 181 lbs (Yorkshire hog), controlled substs.; Rodney Glenn Sheppart Jr., BM, 26, 6'1", 234 lbs, p.v. (ass.)
ryansilb.jpg wamted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted of the week): Ryan David Silberkraus, WM, 42, 5'10". 130 lbs, harassment on line; Tina Reed Crump, WF, 55, 5'2", 140 lbs, theft; Juan Manuel Valdez, HM, 35, 6', 155 lbs., exposure to a child; Mystica Lois Granado, HF, 25, 5'3", 181 lbs (Yorkshire hog), controlled substs.; Rodney Glenn Sheppart Jr., BM, 26, 6'1", 234 lbs, p.v. (ass.)

Dear Eleanor:
                            My wife and I married as teen-agers 40 years ago.  Our
                            children are adults,  and most people consider us a perf-
                            ect couple.

                            My wife has had several affairs over the years  –  some
                            she has admitted to,  and others I have stumbled across.
                            For the most part they have been physical only, with no
                            emotional attachment.

                            Twenty  years  ago  she had a passionate affair  with  a
                            younger man that ended  when  he  broke  it  off  to  be
                            with someone else.  A year ago she found out he is sin-
                            gle again,  and she invited him back into her life.    She
                            tells me they are "just friends"  and that she  "needs his
                            company because only he understands her."    I believe
                            that if he had a better income  she would leave me in a
                            minute.

                            I can't stand the thought of losing the love of my life, but
                            I also can't keep living with her knowing I  play  second
                            fiddle in her heart.  
She refuses counseling  because  she
                            does
not see this as a problem.  Should I give  her  more
                            time
 (a year already) or file for divorce?

                                                                                      Confused in Illinois
Dear Cornfucked:
                                    It seems to me that the time for divorce was about
                                    40 years ago.  And what, pray, is "physical only"?
                                    You need counseling.  She doesn't.

ledesmaj.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Jose Luis Ledesma, HM, 54, 5'7", 195 lbs., child porn., sex. ass.; Jasmine a/k/a Jazzmyne K. Roberts, BF, 21, 5'7", 138 lbs, phogographic sexual exploitation of a child; Josue [sic] Emanuel Flores, HM, 19, 5'8", 140 lbs, aggravated robber; Ethan Maverick Tyson, WM, 18, 6'1", 158 lbs, rape, indecency w/a child
ledesmaj.jpg Arrested in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Jose Luis Ledesma, HM, 54, 5'7", 195 lbs., child porn., sex. ass.; Jasmine a/k/a Jazzmyne K. Roberts, BF, 21, 5'7", 138 lbs, phogographic sexual exploitation of a child; Josue [sic] Emanuel Flores, HM, 19, 5'8", 140 lbs, aggravated robber; Ethan Maverick Tyson, WM, 18, 6'1", 158 lbs, rape, indecency w/a child

The sports:
                    James Madison University, of Harrisonburg, Virginia, can-
                    celed the remainder of its softball season after the death of
                    its catcher, Lauren Bernett, apparently by suicide.



DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't forget!  Readers interested in intellec-
tual dissection of important current events are
invited  to  attend  the   Weekly  World  News
Round  Table   at  the offices  of  Borf  Books
outside   Brownsville,   Kentucky,   just   after
church every Sunday. Guest speakers lined up
for meetings in the near future  include  Casey
White and Vicky White  (not related, by blood
or marriage,  but they apparently have had "re-
lations").


perpjail.jpg

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                              25D:  "Ewe said it"
                    Answer:  BAA                                                        
[L.A. Times 4/30/22]

lifedigi.jpg See what I made in my digital handicraft class today? Life Saver Dude: No
lifedigi.jpg See what I made in my digital handicraft class today? Life Saver Dude: No

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



May 1, 2022:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the
    tabloids while waiting for your wife  at  the  counter in the supermar-
    ket –“ this week's headlines
:

hed22051.jpg Obama tells Joe it's time to GO! (Enquirer); Ukraine N-bombs Moscow (Hopeful Times); Sex abuse! Corruption! Crime! Cover-ups! Disney's dirty secrets, pro-gay only in U.S.A., child stars exploited, China calls the shots, the truth about Michael Jackson (Enq); Hollywood's nastiest feuds, Dwayne Johnson &  Vin Diesel, Bette Daivs & Joan Crawford, Marlon Brando & Frank Sinatra, Jennifer Lopez & Mariah Carey (Examiner); Prince Andrew caught in new bribe scandal, explosive court papers rreveal $52 million scam, took $1.4 million looted from terrified old lady, Fergie & daughters got secret payoffs too,frail Queen blindsided again (Globe)
hed22051.jpg Obama tells Joe it's time to GO! (Enquirer); Ukraine N-bombs Moscow (Hopeful Times); Sex abuse! Corruption! Crime! Cover-ups! Disney's dirty secrets, pro-gay only in U.S.A., child stars exploited, China calls the shots, the truth about Michael Jackson (Enq); Hollywood's nastiest feuds, Dwayne Johnson &  Vin Diesel,
Bette Daivs & Joan Crawford, Marlon Brando & Frank Sinatra, Jennifer Lopez & Mariah Carey (Examiner); Prince Andrew caught in new bribe scandal, explosive court papers rreveal $52 million scam, took $1.4 million looted from terrified old lady, Fergie & daughters got secret payoffs too,frail Queen blindsided again (Globe)

hed220512.jpg



LETTERS to the EDITOR
:
J. Ewing wrote Sun 4/24/22 @15:04 EDT:
That devious little whippersnapper "Jake Boone" – a/k/a
Todd Johnson Logsdon!  Not even a pre-teen and already
misrepresenting who he really is.   What other scams and
deceptions is this little juvenile delinquent cooking up? –
and with the seemingly approving adults around him egg-
ing him on?

I think the Honorable Natty Esq. and Mayor Yates need to
file complaints with one of those Vincent law enforcement
types and with Child Protective Services.
  A call to the IRS
might be in order, too; who knows about all the money col-
lected from monetizing all those "Jake Boone" videos?

The Grammy witch churning out all those videos  might  be
snorting it all up her nose or gambling it away.
    I'd get a ri-
ghteous preacher on it too – as this "Charles Manson in wai-
ting"  will need some heavy duty praying done over him be-
fore Satan really gets his claws into him and he becomes the
"Evil One of Edmonson County" with stacks of dead bodies
piled up behind him.
We must not waste any time in nipping
this situation in the bud!  I'm so glad I alerted both of you.

Leonard Simon wrote Sun 4/24/22@10:40 CDT:
What has become of your "Yorkshire hogs"?  Are fat girls
no longer committing crimes?
We heard they are all hanging out with you.
                                                                          – Editor

Dumb news from Indiana
:
A Dollar Tree manager in Bremen was fired for saying "Don't
hire Gen Z's
" in a help wanted ad.
                                                                                [Newsweek]

wislerdn.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Dan Wisler, WM, 5'5", 120 lbs, meth & coke; Desirée Miller, WF, 5'4", 145 lbs, meth; Laila Colagrossi, WF, 5'8", 160 lbs, meth, syringe; Kristen Kerr, WF,5'2", 125 lbs, meth, syringe
wislerdn.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Dan Wisler, WM, 5'5", 120 lbs, meth & coke; Desirée Miller, WF, 5'4", 145 lbs, meth; Laila Colagrossi, WF, 5'8", 160 lbs, meth, syringe; Kristen Kerr, WF,5'2", 125 lbs, meth, syringe

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

Estill County erected an anti-hate billboard:
hollermp.jpg No hate in these hollers, you matter, Estill Countians for Equality
hollermp.jpg No hate in these hollers, you matter, Estill Countians for Equality
A woman with four children under 10 years old and drug para-
phernalia 
in Mount Vernon was charged with  four  counts  of
wanton endangerment after one of the kids called the police.

                                                                         [courtesy LEX18]

gagecate.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Gage Cates,WM, 21, 5'4", 115 lbs, meth, felon w/gun; Justin Waldrop, WM, 44, 5'10", 170 lbs, auto theft, endang.; no photo available, David Tackett, WM, 39, 5'8", 165 lbs, burglary; Aristotle White, BM, 49, 6'3", 225 lbs, meth fentanyl, & paraphernalia
gagecate.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Gage Cates,WM, 21, 5'4", 115 lbs, meth, felon w/gun; Justin Waldrop, WM, 44, 5'10", 170 lbs, auto theft, endang.; no photo available, David Tackett, WM, 39, 5'8", 165 lbs, burglary; Aristotle White, BM, 49, 6'3", 225 lbs, meth fentanyl, & paraphernalia
Reese Witherspoon became armpit pinup of the year:

   reeswith.jpg


Quotations of the week
:
                                            "I came.  I saw Godzilla.  I ran away."
                                                                                                                – Julius Caesar

        "If somebody is breaking into your house,  you’re more than welcome to shoot at them. . . .
          We prefer that you do, actually."
                                                                  – Bob Johnson,
Sheriff of Santa Rosa County, Florida

       "There is no such thing as gender identity."
                                                                                – Jeremy David Hanson, arrested for
                                                                                    threatening Merriam-Webster Inc.


        "My husband and I had a very messy divorce because there was a baby involved.  Him.
          And I did not want custody."
                                                             – Wendy Liebman

        "I took the plunge as a plumber, but it was a pipe dream.  I was out of sink, and the job
          went down the drain."
                                                  – Richard Lederer


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Penis envy is real.  All the men I've ever dated had it."
                                                                                                – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                   April 25:  Talia Shire, 76
                                    Al Pacino, 82
                   April 26:  Melania Trump, 52

                                   Duane Eddy, 84
                                   Carol Burnett,89
                                   Robert Louis Ridarelli ("Bobby Rydell") (1942-2022)
                   April 27:  Sheena Easton, 63
                                   Anouk Aimée, 90
                   April 28   Jay Leno, 72
                                   Ann-Margret (Olsson), 81
                   April 29:  God Shammgod, 46
                                    Zubin Mehta, 86
                                    Luis Aparicio, 88
                                    Willie Nelson, 89
                   April 30:  Jacob Blake, 31
                                    Kirsten Dunst, 40
                                    Isiah Thomas, 61
                                    Cloris Leachman (1926-2021)
                   May 1:  Rita Coolidge, 77
                                Judy Collins, 83
Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Kane Tanaka, 119
                                Naomi Judd, 76

Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
                                                            18A:  "You're not allowed to feel that way!" e.g.?
       Answer:  EMOTIONDENIED
                                                                       
[L.A. Times 4/24/22]

sredovan.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Christopher Sredanovich, WM, 34, DUI; Gabryella Serrato, 21, FTA; Brenda Williams, 60, esc; Stacie Jones, 48, assault, deadly weap.; Macy Watson, 29, no turn signal; [bailed out or escaped]; Calli Jensen, 59, trespass, Chloe Saddler, 54, family assault; Catherine Hernandez, 21, marijuana (the last two look like they may qualify asorkshire hogs,but this Sheriff does not give us heights and weights)
sredovan.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Christopher Sredanovich, WM, 34, DUI; Gabryella Serrato, 21, FTA; Brenda Williams, 60, esc; Stacie Jones, 48, assault, deadly weap.; Macy Watson,
29, no turn signal; [bailed out or escaped]; Calli Jensen, 59, trespass, Chloe Saddler, 54, family assault; Catherine Hernandez, 21, marijuana (the last two look like they may qualify asorkshire hogs,but this Sheriff does not give us heights and weights)


Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A dolphin died at Quintana Beach south of Houston, Texas, after people
tried to ride it. . . . Firemen rescued a woman who fell into a toilet at the
Olympic National Forest in Washington trying to recover her cell phone.
. . . The state of Washington changed all statutory mentions of "marijua-
na
" to "cannabis" because of the racist origin of "marijuana." .  .  .  New
prosthetic limbs were being made of hemp. .  .  .  Vladimir Putin,  prime
minister of Russia,  congratulated Emmanuel Macron  on his re-election
as President of France. . . .  A cat became mayor of  Hell,  Michigan. . . .
A  pet duck  led  police  to the body of a North Carolina woman missing
since  2020;  and a couple,  including the woman's granddaughter,  were
charged in her death. .  .  .  Kamala Harris and two Democratic senators
tested positive. . . .  A historic stagecoach cabin in Arizona was wrapped
in foil to protect it from wildfire.
                                                                 [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


shaffera.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Raymond Shaffer, WM,, 65, 6', 245 lbs., prob. viol. (naarcs.); Ronald Eugene Stanley, BM, 58, 5'7", 171 lbs, dom. battery; Laranca Sharkey, BF, 224, 5'5", 155 lbs, child abuse (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Tex., not Kans.): Juan Tejeda, HM, 5'8", 210 lbs, abuse of elderly; Dennis Thomas Davis, WM, 48, 5'11", 165 lbs, assault on a public servant (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
shaffera.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Raymond Shaffer, WM,, 65, 6', 245 lbs., prob. viol. (naarcs.); Ronald Eugene Stanley, BM, 58, 5'7", 171 lbs, dom. battery; Laranca Sharkey, BF, 224, 5'5", 155 lbs, child abuse (Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested in Abilene (Tex., not Kans.): Juan Tejeda, HM, 5'8", 210 lbs, abuse of elderly; Dennis Thomas Davis, WM, 48, 5'11", 165 lbs, assault on a public servant (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I've been badly shamed my whole life. One
                            of my earliest memories was my grandfath-
                            er's telling me I looked like I was following
                            a cow that shit on a flat rock and it splatter-
                            ed all over me.  Freckles.

                            When  I  was in the fifth grade we moved to
                            Fort Worth, Texas; and there the first day of
                            school all the other kids gathered around my
                            desk and were calling me "Cowboy."  They-
                            're welcoming me to Texas,  I  thought,  and
                            like me;  I'm  popular!   Then I heard "Shit!"
                            "Flat rock!"  and "Splattered."   Yes.   Freck-
                            les.

                            What  can  society  do  to stop the marginal-
                            ization of the freckled?
                                                                                 Splattered
Dear Splatbat:
                              Get a tan.


People who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook Facebook in the last week included
       
Febe Melianawati.

The sports:
                    Five Mets pitchers combined for a no-hit 3-0 baseball
                    victory over the Philadelphia Phillies in New York.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectu-
al dissection of important current events are invi-
ted to attend the  Weekly World News Round Ta-
ble at the offices of Borf  Books outside Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every  Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the  near
future include Dianne Feinstein.
feindian.jpg

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)


lifeascn.jpg After his resurrection, Jesus appeared to his disciples and many others before ascending to Heaven, "Where?? Where?? I can't see him!!, ascension deficit disorder Life Saver Dude: Pun of the century
lifeascn.jpg After his resurrection, Jesus appeared to his disciples and many others before ascending to Heaven, "Where?? Where?? I can't see him!!, ascension deficit disorder Life Saver Dude: Pun of the century

"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

This issue on line

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor