July 31,
2022: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22075
Epstein madam seeking Biden parton, Maxwell sells out Trump, What she
knows about Melanie, Explosive videotapes (Enquirer); Kardashian
nightmare, Kris Jenner's boozing over edge! (Globe); New bride Lindsay
Lohan, How she turned her life around,
'Drugs
& fame ruin everything', 15 years after rehab (Life & Style);
Jealousy! Marriage troubles! Ultimatums! George & Julia's secret
romance (yes, Clooney & Roberts (Globe); Cameron Diaz: Baby joy at
50! (US Weekly)
hed220752
Bodyguards tell all, Celeb secrets from Vegas, Adele demands
$50,000-a-night suite! Keith not allowed to hang with band! Bruno
gambles millions away! Britney fires entire team! (In Touch) Brad
battling brain disorder (Enquirer)
Worse
than anyone knew, Megan bullying bombshells, Royal jewelry & payoff
demends, Tantrums, why 4 staffers quit, William begs Queen to strip her
& Harry's titles (Star); Carrie/Kelly war exposed (Enquirer)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Malachi wrote Sun 7/24/22 @10:10 CDT re last
week's Dear
Eleanor:
As Caesar might have
put it, beware the idles of cars.
Fred
Dean wrote Sun 7/24/22 @10:38 PDT:
Good
question, which is the only Southern state north
of the Mason-
Dixon Line. It was once Indiana, but it seems that Ohio
may now be
an apt choice.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Four persons with
ties to Terre Haute were listed in the Indiana
Business Journal's "250 most influential and impactful
leaders."
Larry
Bird was not among them.
[courtesy Terre Haute Star]
Female
jail inmates in Clark County sued the Sheriff for
selling
keys to their cells to male inmates who raped and
groped them.
[courtesy LEX18]
East Siders were feuding with West Siders in Evansville.
[courtesy Evansville Courier]
quincymn.jpg
Mustered in Muncie: (by the Delaware County Sheriff): Quincy Phillip
Minton, WM, 37, 5'8", 170 lbs, meth; Jerred Duane Walker, BM, 224, 6',
140 lbs, Armed robbery; Doroteo C. Chavez, HM, 51, 5'3", 135 lbs,
failure to stop after injury accident
Dumb
news from Kentucky:
The
Republican Party of Jessamine County censured Senator
Mitch McConnell for supporting the gun control bill.
[courtesy LEX18]
carmonaj.jpg
Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Joseph Carmona, WM,
77, 5', 100 lbs, horse theft; Sonia Alfaro, WF, 48, 5'1", 125 lbs,
abetting Carmona;
Keith
Williams, BM, 6'2", 250 lbs, org. crime; Robert Langston, WM, 44, 5'9",
225 lbs, forgery; Jonathan Richardson, 41, bank robbery, voted
prettiest perp
Quotations of the week:
"All toads are
frogs, but not all frogs are toads."
– Katherine J. Wu, science writer, the
Atlantic,
on Science
Friday, National Public Radio
"Nobody wants to impregnate you if you
look like a thumb."
– Congressman Matt
Gaetz
(R-Florida)
"The voice of a North
Carolina girl is the sexiest accent in
the world."
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Birthdays:
July 25:
Louise Brown,
44
Walter
Payton
(1954-1999)
Steve
Goodman
(1948-1984)
Emmett
Till
(1941-1955)
July 26:
Dorothy
Hamill, 66
Helen Mirren, 77
Mick
Jagger, 79
Vitas
Gerulaitis
(1954-1994)
Mary Jo
Kopechne
(1940-1969)
Stanley
Kubrick
(1928-1999)
July 27:
Maureen
McGovern, 73
Roberta
Streeter
("Bobbie
Gentry"), 80
Norman
Lear, 100
July 28:
Liz Cheney, 56
Vida
Blue, 73
Sally
Struthers, 75
Jim Davis,
77
Bill
Bradley, 79
Jackie Kennedy (1929-1994)
July 29:
Martina
McBride, 56
Ken Burns, 69
Elizabeth Dole, 86
Nancy Landon Kassebaum, 90
July 30:
Hope Solo, 41
Diva Zappa, 43
Kate Bush, 64
Arnold
Schwarzenegger, 75
Paul Anka, 81
Buddy Guy, 86
Peter
Bogdanovich
(1939-2022)
Casey Stengel (1890-1975)
July 31:
Evonne
Goolagong, 71
Geraldine Chaplin, 78
Philip the
Good
(1396-1467)
Correction
from last
week: Cy
Young's years
were
1867-1955, not
1928-2017.
And
his
birthday was
March 29, not
July 23. Call
it a typo.
Tabloid
deadlines:
Paul Sorvino, 83
David Warner, 80
Tony Dow (?),
77
Crossword puzzle clue
of the week:
11D "Prime number"
ANESTHESIA
[L.A.
Times 7/28/22]
jordanal.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Jordan Alexander, WM, 27, 5'9", 210 lbs, distr. of controlled
substances causing death; Ka-Kia Clark, BF, 20, 5'8", 265 lbs
(Yorkshire hog), probation viol. (forgery);
Dennis
Grimes, WM, 62, 6', 180 lbs, probation violation (aggravated assault;
Yusef Abdas Samad Jr. a/k/a Yusef Abdas Mehmoud Samad Jr. a/k/a Ethan,
20, 5'10", 152 lbs, pierced nose, tattoos under arms, upside down ears,
probation violation burglary
Lexicographic query of the week:
Why are "chicken
pox" two words and "monkeypox"
only one?
kentraiy.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted) Robinson Kentraiyle, BM, 26, 5'10", 130 lbs, injury to child;
Tyler Lee Palmer,WM, 26, 5'8", 120 lbs, probation violation
(ag.assault);
Kelly
Lynn Collins, WF, 40, 5'9", 200 lbs (Yorkshire hog), org. crime
(forgery); Breauna Danielle Reece, BF, 22, 5'9", controlled substances;
Johnny Villarreal Jr., HM, 51, 5'3", 203 lbs, joy riding
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 7-year-old boy rushed his slow robot
opponent at a chess tournament in
Moscow, Russia, and the bot grabbed and broke the child's
finger. . . . A U-
nited Kingdom cinema chain offered free seats to redheads
during the heat
wave. . . . A Russian parliamentarian said blood tests on
Ukrainian prisoners
of war proved they were supersoldiers created in American biolabs.
. . . A
4-year-old
boy shot at police at a McDonald's in Midvale, Utah. . . .
The Po-
lish Academy of Sciences reclassfied house cats as an "invasive
alien spe-
cies." . . . A North Carolina woman attending her son's
wedding realized the
bride was her long-lost
daughter. . . . A woman who claimed Bob Dylan a-
bused her sexually when she was 12 years old in 1965 has
dropped her 20-
21 lawsuit.
. . . Will
Smith apologized.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
carillos.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Sonny Carillo, 44, paraphernalia, family threat; Tonya Simmons, 43,
family viol.; Stephanie Graham, 56, mobery;Lisa Pacheco, 50, mobery;
Mayson Cook, 21, theft; Tiffany Hernandez, 36, tresp.; Rsha Reisner,
30, DUI
Dear
Eleanor:
I give a
lot of positive compliments to family, friends
Dear Renée: and my girl friend. I was once
told by my girl friend
that I was great for her ego and
self-esteem. She has
Dear Stephen: struggled with her confidence in the
past because she
is very skinny. Before we became a couple I
constant-
ly
complimented her on how beautiful she
looks, to
lift her
spirits. The problem is that I am more in love
with who she
is internally (smart, funny, caring, loving
and
supportive) and not particularly attracted to her ex-
ternally
– but she would never know that based on my
compliments. I feel
horrible lying to her, but I can't
fathom breaking her heart and self-esteem.
Help.
Dear Helpless:
So, you're
a liar and she's ugly and helpless. Sounds
like a good
relationship to me. Keep it up. By the
time you're both old, it might be the reverse.
Eleanor
Dear Loveless:
If you truly loved her, she would be
beautiful inside
and out. I suggest she find
someone worthy of her
love. Let her go.
Renée
Dear Hopeless:
WTF!??! I seriously question your
intention by even
sending me a letter. If you really
cared for her as you
say, you would see the
true beauty and see beyond the
statement you made
about physical appearance. You-
're a fucking douche bag and you're
lying to yourself!
Steve
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interest-
ed in intellectual dissection of im-
portant current events are invited
to attend the Weekly World News
Round Table at the offices of Borf
Books outside Brownsville, Ken-
tucky, after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meet-
ings in the near future include
those on your right.
|
 
|
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane
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But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate the
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lifedogh.jpg "Gimme all your dough!" Life Saver Dude: If puns are outlawed, only outlaws will have puns
"Your worst humiliation is only
someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen Crockett
July 24,
2022: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22074.jpg
Veep trashes Trump for years of humiliation, Mike Pence's brutal
revenge, From punching bag to Jan. 6 hero, Feeding information to
criminal probes, Running for President to destroy Donald (Globe);
Britney,
Sam divorcing after 39 days? He's too controlling - just like her dad,
Fighting minutes before the wedding, She changes locks on new house (In
Touch); New shock for Priscilla & Lisa Marie, Elvis' 7 secret love
children,
DNA
proof & birth certificates (Examiner); The glamor! The gossip! The
gowns! Golden Era weddings, Liz Taylor & Conrad Hilton,
Audrey Hepburn & Mel Ferrer, Clark Gable & Carole Lombard, Rita Hayworth & Prince Aly Khan (Closer);
New
Palace nightmare! Vengeful Harry squeals! Prince Charles bribe scandal,
$3.6 million in cash delivered in bags, loot laundered through royal
charity, moneyman unmaked: Sheik Jassim (Examiner)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Fred
Dean wrote Sun 7/17/22 @10:45 PDT:
The
only Southern
state north of the Mason-Dixon Line!
Indiana, or Ohio?
– Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
northrup.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Joshua
Northrup, WM, 5' 9", 210 lbs, failure to return to jail; Shaquwan
Coalmon (sic), BM, 5'8", 150 lbs, wife beating; Tuesdae Stenson, BF,
5'4", 150 lbs, residential entry; Rich Horvath, WM, 5'6", 220 lbs,
battery w/deadly wea.
The Indianapolis
doctor who performed an abortion
on the
10-year-old Ohio
rape victim has filed a defamation
claim
against the
Indiana attorney general.
[courtesy LEX18]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The
Kentucky State Police have adopted a bulldog for a mas-
cot and are conducting a public
poll to name him (arf, fuck-
ing arf!).
[courtesy
LEX18]
ambertwo.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Thomas Ray Yocum, 41,
Bardstown, marijuana, no license; Sean Robert Brown, drving on
suspended license, DUI;
Amber
Lynn Shelburne, 29, New Hope, contempt of court; Amber Dawn Morgan, 42,
New Haven, probation violation; Nathan Earl Clark, 43, Bardstown, DUI
Quotations of
the week:
"So I've
retired, and I find I'm perfect for this job."
– Richard Lederer
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"I might be a
little self-centered, self-seeking, self-indulgent
or self-loathing, but don't call me selfish"
– Leonard Simon
|
|
kentmisk.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Kent Misak, WM, 67, 5'10", 170 lbs, probation viol. (opiates);
Kasandra
Morris, WF, 33, 5. 7", 140 lbs, probation violation (theft, narcotics);
Elautua Coleman, BF, 44, 5'6", 180 lbs, probation violation (attempted
theft); Philip Gaynor, WM, 36, 6', 220 lbs, pro. vi. (opiates)
bakkjohn.jpg
Wamted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Salvador Prieto, HM, 32, 5'10", 160 lbs, burglary; Meghan
Wise, WF, 38, 5'3", 127 lbs, abandoning child;
Cornelius
Neal Hardamon, BM, 54, 54, 5'6", 145 lbs, family assault; Halee Marie
Bustos, BF, 26, 5'2", 165 lbs (Yorkshire hog), abandoning child; Jeremy
John Bakke, WM, 41, 5'9", 165 lbs, attempt to disarm policeman
Birthdays:
July 18: Martha
Reeves, 81
Hunter S.
Thompson
(1937-2005)
John Glenn
(1921-2016)
Nelson
Mandela
(1918-2013)
July 19: Bernie
Leadon, 75
Ilie Nastase,
76
Florencia
Vicenta de
Casillas
Martinez
"Vikki Carr"
Cardona, 81
July 20:
Sandra Oh, 51
Carlos
Santana, 75
Kim
Carnes, 77
Tony Oliva, 84
Elliot
Richardson
(1920-1999)
July 21:
Brandi
Chastain, 54
Steven
Demetre
Georgiu "Cat
Stevens"
Yusaf Islam,
74
Kenneth Starr,
76
Janet
Reno
(1938-2016)
July 22:
Prince George,
9
Selena
Gomez, 30
Sparky
Lyle, 78
Tom
Robbins, 90
Alex
Trebek
(1940-2020)
Robert Dole
(1923-2021)
July 23:
Monica
Lewinsky, 49
Alison Krauss,
51
Woody
Harrelson, 61
Anthony
Kennedy, 86
Cy
Young
(1928-2017)
July 24: Nate
Bump, 46
J-Lo, 53
Kristin
Chenoweth, 54
Lynda Carter,
71
Pat
Oliphant, 87
Bella Abzug
(1920-1998)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Mickey Rooney Jr., 77
An Anchu, giant panther of Hong
Kong, 35
Mike Tyson, 56, said
he will die "really
soon"
Crossword puzzle
clue of the week:
34A
"Creature that sounds
like you?"
Answer: EWE
[New
Yorker 7/22/22]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck obtained a marriage
license in Nevada.
. . . A 9-year-old boy driving a Mini
Cooper led state police on a chase
in North Carolina. . . . The mayor of Mulanay, the
Philippines, ordered
government workers to smile.
. . . A man was fined for using an umbrel-
la for shade at the beach in Belleair Shore, Florida. .
. . Congresswoman
Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez denied faking being handcuffed when
she
and 16 other Congresspeople were arrested in an abortion
rights protest.
. . .The FBI said if found no evidence
of Jimmy
Hoffa under a bridge in
New Jersey. . . . Joe Biden said he
had cancer
– and Covid-19. . . .
Pat
Benatar retired her "Hit
Me With Your Best Shot" hit out of respect for
gunfire victims.
[courtesy
Harper's, AP]
jesusiba.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas,Sheriff): Jesus
Ibarra,54, mj.; Crystal Beck, 43, wrong way on 1-way st., drunk; Kala
Knighton, 41, c.s.;
Crystal
Guzman. 46, c.s.; Misty Madril, 51, mobery; Anna Maupin, 32, assault,
cntrld. substs.; Patty Tonn, 62, paraphernalia; Darren Morrson, 59,
pibl. drunk
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Sequoia
Carillo.
Dear Eleanor:
What can I say to people who idle their cars while
sitting in parking lots? We don't
need their pollu-
tion! These idlers generally are
not happy when I
knock on their windows.
What firm but polite
words can I
use?
Greg
in Minnesota
Dear Gregorious:
Ask them why they are not honking their horns!
lifecatp.jpg Life Saver Dude: OK. You're "Catp'n" somethin', not "Capt'n," right?
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your
worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
July 17,
2022: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22073.jpg
Did reefer drive the Illinois parade killer to madness? (NY Post);
Amber flunks new Depp lie detector test (National Enquirer); Angelina
keeps kids from Brad's mom & dad (Enquirer)
Pat
Sajak fallout, Vanna walking off Wheel (Globe); No romancein 18 years,
Whoopi, 66, prefers pot to men (Globe); Hedy Lamarr: How she changed
the world (Closer): Kate & William: Starting over in the country
(Closer)
hed220732.jpg
Another Epstein slave, Andrew in new teen rape crisis (Globe);
Jealousy, lies, & Harry's wandering eyes, Meghan's cheating fears
(In Touch); New details revealed 23 years after plane wreck, JFK Jr.'s
last day alive,
brave
final moments & crash cover-up, how his drug addiction cost wife
& her sister their lives (Examier); Wife Tricia praing for miracle,
Toby Keith fighting for his life, cancer worse than anyone knew (Star);
Tristan WHO? Khlohé dating new HUNK (Star)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Noah Webster VII wrote Sun 7/10/22 @09:33 EDT:
You
and your ignorant correspondent Fred
Dean: Get
with the growing language! "Trans" is here to
stay!
You, Mr. Webster, are the
dumb cunt (and please pardon the
transmogrification). Here are better (and more
comprehen-
sible) terms: "woman
trans man" ("female identifying as
male"), and "man trans woman" (vice versa)
– Editor
Anthony Dean wrote:Dimn 7/10/22 @09:59 CDT:
Dear Eleanor,
I would have told Second Try it's time
to forgive her sister. After all, the sister exposed the
first fiancé as a feckless asshole.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Bats were falling
prey to "white
nose syndrome." . . .
Ivy Tech Community College was offering a motorcycle
safe-
ty class in Richmond.
[courtesy
Richmond Palladium-Item]
devanlea.jpg
Wanted in Darke County, Ohio (Miami Valley Crime Stoppers): Scott
A.Williams, WM, 55, 6'2", 155 lbs, tattoos, sun on rt. shldr. skull
& xbones l. shldr., flames, stars, feathers, roses, Chinese
symbols, probation violation (failure to report); Devan Leaye Dickey,
WF, 5'3", 100 lbs, probation vi. (DUI);
Dustin
A. Bailey, WM, 33, 6'1", 165 lbs, tattooed all over, probation viol.
(heron); Logan E. Chaney, WM, 25, 5', 115 lbs, B&E, car theft;
Megan K. Azbill, WF, 23, 5'4", 189 lbs (Yorkshire hog), WIC benefits
viol.; Tyler Jade Merritt, WM, 37, 5'8", 175 lbs, burgl., meth
A
new law allows 18-year-olds to serve alcholic beverages
even though they still must be 21 to drink them. . . .
A 2-1/2-year-old
Oldham County girl became the latest mem-
ber of the high IQ society Mensa.
[courtesy
LEX18]
claytonw.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Clayton West Watson, 39,
Boston (Ky), fail. to app.; Del Patrick Creason, 53, Bardstown, failure
to appear;
Jeremie
Douglas Campbell, 48, Bardstown, ch. sexual abuse; Alvin Leslie
Shofner, 54, Bardstown, meth, etc., etc.; Demetrius Denzel Booth, 23,
Frankfort, receiving stolen property
Quotations of
the week:
"I was once a Scrabble champion, but I became
inconsonant;
and I
can no longer move my vowels."
– Richard Lederer
"Them's the breaks."
–
Boris Johnson
"I'll be happy when I'm not
here."
– Jim Kenney, Mayor
of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"They're mowing
the edge of the right-of-way of Sunfish Road,
and I'm just not mowtivated to stop them."
– Leonard Simon
|
|
Birthdays:
July 11:
Caroline
Wozniacki, 32
Kimberly
Denise Jones ("Lil' Misspelled Kim"), 48 (or 49)
Jeff
Hanna, 75
Terry
Garthwaite, 84
Giorgio
Armani, 88
Leon
Spinks
(1953-2011)
Yul
Brynner (1920-1985)
Robert
the Bruce (1306-1329)
July 12:
Malala
Yousafzai, 25
Milton
Teagle
"Richard"
Simmons, 74
Christine McVie, 79
Bill Cosby,
85
Van
Cliburn
(1934-2013)
July 13:
Rhonda
Vincent, 60
Cheech
Marin, 76
Ernő
Rubik, 78
Harrison Ford,
80
Julius
Caesar (100-44
B.C.)
July 14:
Jerry Rubin
(1938-1994)
Franklin
Delano "Del"
Reeves (1932-2007)
Woodrow Wilson
"Woody"
Guthrie
(1912-1967)
July 15:
Arianna
Huffington, 72
Linda
Ronstadt, 76
Vladimir the
Bold
(1353-1410)
July 16:
Pinchas
Zukerman, 74
Jimmy
Johnson, 79
Margaret Smith
Court, 80
July 17:
Angela Merkel,
68
Luci Arnaz, 71
Camilla Parker
Bowles,
Duchess of
Cornwall, 75
Gale
Garnett, 80
Don
Kessinger, 80
Phoebe Snow
(1950-2011)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Vernon Winfrey, 89
Gary
Moeller, 81
Ivana Trump, 73
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
15A "One cog in the Big
Red Machine"
Answer:
GRIFFEY
[L.A.
Times 7/2/22]
ziesmerj.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's most
wanted): Jacob Ziesmer, WM, 24, 5'10", 160 lbs, theft; Kayla Williams,
WF, 28, 5'7", 130 lbs, assault,deadl.weapon;
Robert
John Frye Jr., WM, 44, 5'7", 172 lbs, probation viol. (DUI); Jennifer
Shultz, WF, 33, 4'9", 160 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation violation;
Michael Lorenzo Phillips, BM, 6'4", 250 lbs, felon w/firearm
washingt.jpg
Donald Washington, BM, 38, 5'9", 170 lbs, prob. viol. (indecency
w/child); Kyra Wright, BF, 21, 5'5", 160 lbs (York. hog), theft; Maria
Christina Corona, HF, 42, 5'2",
190
lbs (Y. hog), prob. viol.(ctrld. substs.); Morgan Williams, WF, 23, 5',
150 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob. viol. (c.s.); John Gabriel Hernandez,
HM, 34, 5'4", 180 lbs, burglary
Celebrity lookalikes:
Keith Durbin Robert John Frye
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A pregnant woman in Texas was cited for driving in an HOV
lane with-
out a passenger. . . . Senator
Schumer tested positive. . . .Two Flagstaff,
Arizona, policemen took off their pants and were fondled
while investi-
gating massage parlors. . . . Arizona passed a law
allowing teachers
without
college degrees to teach in public schools. . . . "Tasty
and That's
It," the fast food chain that replaced McDonald's in Russia,
announced
it would stop serving fries at some locations. . . . A
Columbus, Ohio,
man was charged with raping a 10-year-old girl who went to
Indiana
for
an abortion. . . . A camel
at the zoo in Freeport, Minnesota, bit two
employes in the head, dragging one of them 15 feet. . . .Ten
members of
the Kansas City Royals baseball team were barred from
traveling to Tor-
onto for not having Covid
vaccinations. . . . Jim
Thorpe's 1912 Olympic
medals were restored.
[courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
lemuelsor.jpf
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas (by the Sedgwick
County Sheriff): Peter Lemuel Sordelet IV, WM, 49, 5'10", 175 lbs,
prob. viol. (opiates); Xavier Nathaniel Jordan, BM, 35, 5'10",
140
lbs, tattoos left arm, chest, ag. assault, felon w/gun; Tejoya Monetris
Elmore, BF, 30, 5'4", 150 lbs, scaron left eye, Prob. viol. (child
abuser); Jose J. Garcia, HM, 33, 5'8", 160 lbs, probation violation
(felon with firearm)
Dear
Eleanor:
My boy friend is bisexual. After we have fights
he takes "breaks" with men. He has
several bi-
sexual and "transgender" friends.
He's "in the
closet"
because he's in a Christian family in a ve-
ry conservative area.
He was
maintaining contact last year with an on-
again
off-again boy friend even though he swore
nothing was going on between
them. He always
rushed back to this
guy or kept him on the side
during other relationship. I
almost broke up with
four months ago.
Now he wants
his new transgender
friend to stay
with him several days for an upcoming
concert.
I'm in the
process of moving to his area, but I
don't trust
him having sexual relations outside of
ours. My
straight male friends have warned me
not to trust him. Should I
break up with him?
Frustrated
California girl
Dear Cali:
Dump the
faggot.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the
offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors8.jpg
Catherine Vincent, Colby Vincent, Morgan Vincent, Sarah Vincent,
Savannah Vincent, Alison Warner, Philip Wilkerson, Terri Williams,
Dyhlan Wilson, Paige Wolfe, Colby Woodcock, McKenna Woosley, Frankie
York, Dillan Zimmerman
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lifecuse.jpg Life Saver Dude: J'accuse
"Your worst humiliation
is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – Karen
Crockett
manwaren.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff:
Gregory Manwarren, 32, DUI; Mary Gatica, 24, paraph.; Charity Hord, 45,
cntrld. substs.; Sally Stewart, 57, trespass; anie Robledo, 53, DUI;
Rayen Warrick, 24, c.s.; April Torres, 39, fraud; Kevin Mitchell, 36,
fam. ass.
July 10,
2022: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22072.jpg
Nasty White House fight exposed, Joe & Jill Biden marriage crisis,
vicious texts, name calling & separate lives, hiding from Secret
Service bodyguards, reason their romance hit the rocks (Enquirer);
Shocking truth revealed 10 years after legend's death, Andy Griffith
show secrets & scandals, who hated whom, booze, vicious fights,
affairs (Examiner);
Elizabeth
Taylor's secrret love letters revealed (Closer;) Why Joe walked away
after 6 years, Heartbroken Taylor Swift dumped? Fights, threats &
too much drinking, she thought he was about to propose, how fairy tale
romance fell apart, ex John's surprising message (L&S)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
Fred Dean wrote Sun 7/3/22 @10:10 PDT:
Tiffany Dawn Davey
has the most guilty expression I
have ever seen in "Wanted
in Wichita."
Loved Wheatley's play on mow
words and "the Ohio
State University's" trademarking
"The."
And damn straight, Dear
Eleanor! I, too, am mysti-
fied by "trans gender" aspirants.
Dumb news from Indiana:
Abortion rights rally in Indianapolis
[courtesy Lafayette
Journal & Courier]
scottmro.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Scott
Mrozinski, WM, 5'9", 160 lbs, domestic battery; Matthew Hudson, BM,
6'2", 190 lbs, counterfeiting; Scott Young, WM, 6', 180 lbs, meth,
syringe; Mario Pfeifer, BM, 5'9", 180 lbs, felon with firearm
Police
found 31
bodies in a funeral home in
Jeffersonville, some
in advanced stages of decomposition, after a
strong odor was re-
ported emanating from the building.
[courtesy AP]
Three police officers and
a police dog were killed in a domes-
tic violence shootout in Floyd County. Donations were
being
accepted for K-9
Drago.
[courtesy
LEX18]
Edmonson County District Court Judge J. B. Hines
and Shaska,
his wife, found their way onto the front page of a local tabloid:
Quotations of the week:
"I wanted to work at the Weather
Channel, but I didn't have a
degree."
–
Richard Lederer
Birthdays:
July 4: Gina Lollobrigida, 95
Eva Marie Saint, 98
U.S.A. 246
Eppie Lederer ("Ann Landers")
(1918-2002)
Pauline Phillips ("Abigail ('Dear Abby') Van
Buren") (1918-2013)
July 5: Megan Rapinoe, 37
Edie
Falco, 59
Julie
Nixon Eisenhower, 74
Jaime
"Robbie"
Robertson, 79
The Dalai Lama, 87
July 6: Sylvester
Stallone, 76
George W. Bush, 76
Nanci Griffith (1953-2021)
Byron
Berline,
(1944-2021)
Merv Griffin (1925-2007)
Bill
Haley
(1925-1981)
July 7: Jessica
Hahn, 63
Shelley
Duvall, 73
Richard
Starkey ("Ringo
Starr"),
82
Doc
Severinsen, 95
July 8:
Tzipi Livni,
64
Anjelica
Huston, 71
Deborah
Zerby ("Kim
Darby"),
75
Sidney Liebowitz ("Steve Lawrence"), 87
July 9:
Courtney Love,
58
Tom
Hanks, 66
O.
J. Simpson, 75
Jesse
McReynolds, 93
Ed Ames,
95
Donald
Rumsfeld
(1932-12021)
July 10: Cindy Sheehan, 65
Arlo
Guthrie, 75
Virginia Wade,
77
Mavis Staples,
83
Tabloid
deadlines:
Larry Storch, 99
James
Caan, 82
Tony Sirica, 79
Shinzo Abe, 67
Mary
Mara, 61
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
55a: Devil on
one's shoulder?
Answer: CLOSEFIEND
[L.A.
Times 6/23/22]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
A 33-year-old woman in Sac County, Iowa, was charged
with criminal
mischief and livestock neglect after more than 1,000
pigs without ac-
cess to food or water were found dead at her farm. . . .
Three visitors
were gored by bison
in Yellowstone National Park, and a fourth visitor
was mauled by a grizzly
bear. . . . A funeral home operator accused of
selling body parts and giving clients fake
ashes pleaded guilty to mail
fraud in Grand Junction, Colorado. . . . A Los Angeles,
California, po-
liceman was beaten to death by fellow officers in a mob
training exer-
cise. . . . No one was gored in the first running of the bulls
in Pamplona
since the Pandemic.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
carayala.jpgLocked
up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County,Texas,Sheriff: Carlos Ayala,
39, child sex; Raquel Sanchez, 47, DUI; Jenniffer Duron, 27, mobery;
Nathaniel Huddleston, 21, interfer.; Kara Dowd, 41, theft; Kelli
Manning, 49, theft, tres.; Anthony McCarthy, 61, tr.
Dear
Eleanor:
I ended my
first engagement after finding out
my 19-year-old sister had been sleeping
with
my
fiancé. He and I had just graduated from
college.
It devastated me. When confronted,
my sister lied
and tried to act like a little inno-
cent
angel. She had been "seduced." But sev-
eral of her
friends gave me proof that my sister
had been gunning for my fiancé
since she was
17. Over
three years' worth of texts, my sister
savaged my
looks and talked about how my fi-
ancé could do so much
better than me. When
she
heard he would be joining me at the family
home she'd crow about getting out
her sexy paja-
mas and better bikinis.
When I
confronted her we ended up in a perma-
nent estrangement and a hard
relationship be-
tween my parents and
me. That was years ago.
I am now engaged to a wonderful
man who ad-
ores me.
In a gesture, I invited my sister to the
wedding but did not include her
in the wedding
party. She took offense
that I did not ask her to
be a bridesmaid. She called
me up and told me
it was time I acted like an adult
and let bygones
be bygones. She said she
deserved to be brides-
maid since she’s my
only sister. I asked her if
she had a head
injury because that was her only
excuse. She ruined my first
engagement – why
would I want
her within 50 feet of my new one?
She got angry and did the entire
song and dance
about being just a “kid" back
then. I told her she
could attend
or not but that that was the end of
the discussion. It
would have been if my sister
didn’t go whining to our
parents and our exten-
ded family. Our parents are the
only ones on her
side.
I have
since rescinded the invitation to my sis-
ter. My fiancé supports me, and so
do many
members of my
extended family. I am worried
about my parents. They are
circling around my
sister and
argue with me every chance they get.
I am pregnant.
We aren’t telling anyone, but
sometimes I worry that if I don’t tell my par-
ents they
might not come to my wedding. Oth-
er times, I
hope they won’t because it will be a
clear sign
they chose my sister over me again.
Second
Try Bride
Dear Stunty Cunty:
Don't tell 'em nothin', Let
'em know by
surfuckingprise.
lifemenu.jpg
"Waitress can I ask you something about the menu please?" "The men I
please are none of your damn business" Life Saver Dude: Northewomenifuck
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But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
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DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table at the
offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors7.jpg
Gabrie lSai8ling, Whitney Sanders, Maham Shariaz, Mattew Shaw, Jaedyn
Simon, Adam Smith, Rosalyn Smith, Carlie Spear, Olivia Starnes, Keegan
Stewart, Evan Stice, Jason Taylor, Trace Taylor, Kali Ternnison,
Octavio Trejo
July 3,
2022: Things
you would never know if you did not browse the
tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the
supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22071.jpg
Tears & drama at fairy tale wedding, Is Britney living a LIE? All
smles for camera, but privately she's a wreck - panic, paranoia and
broken relationships with her sons (US Weekly);
Affleck
afraid to speak up, Diva J-Lo bride from HELL! Fired florist, 10 gowns
on hold, warring with Ben's mom, rules for guests, $1 million over
budget, either screaming or crying (Life & Style)
hed220712.jpg
Brad Pitt: Why he disappeared; doesn't feel safe anywhere, new war with
Angie over Chateau, Jen has visited him 5 times (In Touch); Funniest
celebrity tombstones, 'I will NOT be right back' - Merv Griffin, 'There
goes the neighborhood' - Rodney Dangerfield (Examiner);
Settling
the score after years of tears, Kate finally tells ALL, Inside nasty
war with mean Meghan, why William wll never forgive Harry, severe
battle with crippling anxiety (Enquirer); Sissy Spcek still figuring
things out at 72! (Closer); Supreme Court votes 5-4 to reclassify women
as service animals (Onion)
hed220713.jpg
Supreme Court votes 5-4 to lock nation's toddlers in hot cars (Onion);
Supreme Court votes 5-4 to prohibit women to deceive men with makeup
(Onion); Supreme Court votes 5-4 to drive slow beside women walking
home at night (Onion); Supreme Court votes 5-4 to add Jesus into all
paintings (Onion);
Supreme
Court votes 5-4 to baptize the Constitution (Onion); Supreme Court
votes 5-4 to throw beer bottle at slut (Onion); Supreme Court votes 5-4
to reopen Japanese Japanese internment camp (Onion); Supreme Court
votes 6-3 to allow football coach to pray on field (major media)
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of important current events are
invited to attend the Weekly World News Round Table
at the offices of Borf Books outside
Brownsville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday.
Guest speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include
seniors6.jpg
Gavin Minyard, Taylor Minyard, Carter Morgan, Dakota Nall, Kaitlyn
Newton, Caroline Parsley, Noah Parsley, Karrington Peger, Savanah
Porter, Josiah Prewitt, Jarrett Prunty, Alicyn Rigsby, Allison Roof,
Lelah Roscoe, Ian Ruth
More dumb news from Kentucky:
Trump White House counsel
Pat
Cipollone went to the same Catholic
high school in Erlanger Ky., that Nick
Sandmann attended.
Dumb news from
Indiana:
The state was
closing rest area ramps on I-65 from 8 p.m.to 11
p.m. in Bartholomew County to facilitate reconstruction.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
moriarty.jpg
South Bend's most wanted: Barry Willits, WM, 6', 230 lbs, theft:
Marion's: Wesley Moriarty, WM, 6'2", 160 lbs, probation violation,
narcotics, neglect of a dependent (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.)
Quotations of the week:
"This Roe v. Wade overturn isn't
just an end to abortion. It's a war
on women and
children's health."
– Alika
Altmiller
"I lost my job as a bank
teller on the first day. A lady asked me to check
her balance, and
I pushed her over."
– Richard Lederer
"I told my wife I saw a deer on the way
to work. She asked me how I knew it was
going to work?"
– Life Saver
Dude
|
Quotations
of the Wheat (Simon said):
"I hate to
fucking mow: Is grass friend or foliage? I
have no mow-mentum."
–
Leonard Simon
|
 |
misterje.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas)(Texoma's): Nathan
Wayne Denny, WM, 27, 6'2", 150 lbs, probation viol. (fam. assault);
Briance Dawn Caratachea, HF, 30, 4'8:, 120 lbs, ctrl. substances;
Treshia
Pugh, BF, 40, 5'2", 115 lbs, burglary; Crystal Lee Hubych, WF, 29,
5'3", 160 lbs, prob. vi. (DUI w/child psgr.); Mister Jerome Williams,
BM, 27, 5'6", 210 lbs, assault
June 27:
Khloé
Kardashian, 38
Janusz
Kaminski, 63
Eddie
Kasko
(1931-2020)
H.
Ross Perot
(1930-2019)
June
28: Kellie
Pickler, 36
Elon Musk, 51
John Elway, 62
Leon Panetta,
84
Melvin James
Kaminsky ("Mel
Brooks"), 96
Gilda
Radner
(1946-1989)
June 29:
Gary Busey, 78
Harmon
Killebrew
(1936-2011)
June 30: Mike
Tyson, 56
Esa-Pekka
Salonen, 64
Ron
Swoboda, 78
July 1:
Dan Aykroyd, 70
Deborah
Harry, 77
Twyla
Tharp, 81
Jamie Farr, 88
Leslie Caron,
91
Princess Di
(1961-1997)
Olivia
de Havilland (1916-2020)
July 2: Lindsay
Lohan, 36
Moon So-Ri,
48
Luci
Baines Johnson
Nugent Turpin,
75
Richard Petty, 85
Ahmad Jamal, 92
Imelda Marcos, 93
July 3:
Julian
Assange, 51
Tom
Cruise, 60
Dave Barry, 75
Pete
Fountain
(1930-2016)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Sonny Barger, 83
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
1A: "Cut twice, perhaps"
Answer:
TRISECTED
[New
Yorker 5/30/22]
alvtaber.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (by the Sedgwick
County Shetiff): Adam Alvin Taber, WM, 40, 5'9", 180 lbs, dom. battery;
Bobby Barnard Brown II, 39, 5'10", 150 lbs, aggravated battery; Tiffany
Dawn Davey, WF, 36, 5'9", 170 lbs, probation violation (burglary);
Joshua Contrial Harris, BM, 20, 5'6", 120 lbs, prob. viol. (ag. assault)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
The new Elvis topped the new
Top Gun at the box
office. . . . Girls learn-
ing to play
guitar were escaping Afghanistan. . . . A Subway
restaurant
customer in Atlanta, Georgia, shot and killed one waitress
and wounded
another for too
much mayonnaise on his sandwich. . . . Google
searches
for how to move to Canada increased 850 per cent after the
report of the
Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade decision. . . . "The" Ohio
State University
trademarked the word "THE.".
. . Belgium returned the late Patrice Lum-
umba's gold
tooth to his family. . . . John Hinckley apologized
for shoot-
ing President Reagan.
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]
jesussam.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Jesus Samaniego, 61, drug parap.; Elise Bejil, 21, false ID; Amanda
Schumacher,39, public intox.; Cherisa Hudson, 50, mj.
Daniella
Suniga, 39, c.s., DUI; Carrie Montes, 30, mobery; Paula Morse, 63, no
driver license, paraphernalia; Justice Escobedo,19, drug paraphernalia
Dear Eleanor:
I am a 19-year-old trans man. I told my mother years ago,
and while she hasn't stopped me from
transitioning, she's
wholly unsupportive. Despite
telling her my new name
and pronouns, she refuses to refer
to me that way, even
when we're alone. (I can’t tell the rest of my
family; they
would disown me.)
Every time I
bring it up, she gets quiet or changes the sub-
ject. I love her and she loves me, but it
breaks my heart to
see her ignore who I am, and I know she won't back
me up
if the rest of my family finds out. I feel
hopeless. What do
I do to make her understand?
True Self in Georgia
Dear Transy:
So, who and
what are you? Is "trans man" a female who
thinks she's male or a male who thinks he's
female? Do
you have a
dick or a cunt?
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
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THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
