November 27, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22114.jpg
Trump trying for historic third impeachment (Borowitz); Musk
accidentally includes himself in mass layoffs (Borowitz); Artemis
rocket carrying mannequins to test department stores on moon (Onion);
Clutterbook
Facebook HQ on lockdown after Zuckerberg avatar breaks out of Metaverse
(Onion); President, 80, can't be trusted alone, puppetmaster Jill pulls
Joe's strings (Enquirer); King Charles' secrret gay life exposed (Globe)
Dumb news from Indiana:
Indiana reported
its first monkeypox
death.
[courtesy
Indianapolis Star]
A high
school student was shot by a deputy sheriff in
Clinton
in a class on vocational training.
[courtesy USA Today]
Scores
of Methodist
churches in Indiana left the United Meth-
dist Church over the parent congregation's acceptance
of ho-
mosexuals.
[courtesy
Lafayette Journal & Courier]
sinozich.jpg
Wanted in northern Indiana (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Richard
Jennints, WM, 6'1", 200 lbs, federal supervised release (bank rob.);
Christopher Sinozich,
WM,
6' 190 lbs, fed sup release (weapons); Tiler Jefferies, BM, 5'10", 240
lbs, f sup rel (fraud); Lee Adams Jr.,BM, 5'9", 190 lbs, parole
violation (child molesting)
|
Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Excuse me,
Miss, but – are those your legs? (I can smell
your
armpit)."
– Leonard Simon
|
 |
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Although parimutuel
betting at horse races is legal in Kentucky,
betting on sports generally is
not. Some legislators are trying to
change that.. . .
Metro United Way was distributing $900,000 total to
150 young
adults in three Louisville neighborhoods through March –
that's
$500 a month to each of them – with no requirements
on how it
is spent.
[courtesy LEX18]
![blakeaus.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Blake Austin Green, 23, Bardstown, assault 4°; Mary Adelaide Elmore, 31, Elizabethtown, DUI; Abby Jones, 29, Cox's Creek, DUI, speeding; Tiffiny [sic] Renée Cox, 35, Bardstown, disorderly conduct 2°; Marcus Alejandro Durbin, 18, Bardstown, criminal trespass 3°](blakeaus.jpg)
blakeaus.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Blake Austin Green, 23,
Bardstown, assault 4°; Mary Adelaide Elmore, 31, Elizabethtown, DUI;
Abby
Jones, 29, Cox's Creek, DUI, speeding; Tiffiny [sic] Renée Cox, 35,
Bardstown, disorderly conduct 2°; Marcus Alejandro Durbin, 18,
Bardstown, criminal trespass 3°
Quotations of
the week:
"Normal is boring."
– Litraca
Matthews
"Vampires are cool people; are they not?"
– Herschel
Walker
"So today
I'm happy and rejoicing that, thanks to all
that's happened in feminism,
people can at least recognize the
clitoris."
– Julia
Pietri
Birthdays:
November 21: Björk
Guðmundsdóttir, 57
Goldie
Hawn, 77
Earl "The Pearl" Monroe, 78
Marlo Thomas, 85
November 22: Scarlett Johansson, 38
Jamie Lee Curtis, 64
Billie Jean King, 79
Jesse Colin Young, 82
Jacob Cohen ("Rodney Dangerfield," 1921-2004)
November
23: Miley Cyrus, 30
Nicolás Maduro, 60
Robin Roberts,
62 (this one,
not that one)
Bruce Vilanch, 74
Luis
Tiant, 82
Lew Hoad (1934-1994)
Alfonso the Wise (1221-1284)
Otto the
Great (912-973)
November 24: Pete
Best, 81
Oscar
Robertson, 84
Todd
Beamer (1968-2001)
November 25: Barbara
and Jenna Bush, 41
Amy Grant, 62
Kathryn Grant Crosby, 89
November 26: Tina
Turner, 83
Charles M. Schulz (1922-2000)
November 27: Caroline Kennedy-Schlossberg, 65
Bill
Nye, 67
Jimi Hendrix (1942-1970)
Bruce
Lee (1940-1973)
Tabloid
deadlines:
John Y. Brown Jr, 88
Irene Cara, 63
Nicki Aycox, 47
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
59D
"It's taken
before a trip"
Answer: LSD
[New
Yorker
11/17/22]
chadedwd.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls Texas): Chad Edward Gomez,
WM, 42, 5'11", 150 lbs, parental custoday interference, interference
with LEO; Gabrielle NicolePalacio, WF, 27, 5'6", 150 lbs, parole
violation
(interference
with parental custody); Jaime Ramiro Cervantes, WM, 32, 5'10", 170 lbs,
kidnapping aggravated battery by the Sedgwick County Sheriff); Arrested
in Abilene (Texas, not Kansas): Unidentified (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Borf
's weekly BONUS:
A mountain
lion was captured in Springfield, Illinois. . . .
Mormons
endorsed proposed legislation to legalize same-sex
marriage. . . . I-
owa Senator
Grassley, 89, filed to run for re-election in 2028. . .
. E-
lon Musk testified that he does not want to be CEO of
any compan-
y. . . . Jair
Bolsonaro dropped out of the public eye after a skin
infec-
tion prohibited his wearing pants. . . . An Australian woman
was un-
allowed to board a plane by airport security in Abu Dhabi for
wear-
ing a butt
plug containing her lover's ashes. . . .
[courtesy Harper's,
LEX18, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
I am in a
relationship I can't get out of. I was told by my "boy
friend" that what he's doing is "normal." He says
it's what peo-
ple who love
each other do, and that he loves me more than
anyone has
ever loved me. I have told him repeatedly that I
don't love him.
He drives by my
house and follows me to work. He has also
watched to make sure I'm going where I said, like to
the gym
and the store.
He tells me that every man wants to have sex
with
me, and that I dress too sexy (I wear leggings and tank
tops).
He has monitored Zoom meetings I go to.
All of the
watching and following is without my permission or
knowledge. He usually tells me about it later, saying
he only
does it "out of love." This
has been going on for years. Why
do I put up
with it? I have tried to break up. It started
after a
few months together. But he guilted me into staying,
saying he'-
d be all
alone. Or he'd kill himself. Then I found out he'd film-
ed us having sex a few times; and he's threatening
that if I don't
stay, people
will see it.
Please tell me
what to do. I have no self-esteem left; and, yes,
I feel like
the slut that I am made out to be. I'm not sure what
you can do to help me. I have no one to talk
to.
Anonymous
Prisoner
Dear Annoying Petitioner:
Ask your grandmother.
curtistv.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
(Texoma's) Curtis Stevens, 33, family assault; Maria Garza, 34, deadly
assault; Marcus Garcia, theft, trespass;
Jamaal
Diensen, 19, no license; Jimmy Ngueyen, 19, tobacco purchase; Celeste
Garza, 22, crim. trespass; Jazmyn Saldana, 21, minor w/alcohol; Brandon
Gonzalez, 24, failure to signal
The sports:
The
Buffalo Bills beat the Cleveland Browns
31-23 at the Bills' home game in
Detroit as 6½
(not 4) feet of snow
fell on Buffalo. . . . At the
soccer World Cup in Qatar,
a sportswriter was
detained for
wearing a pro-LGBTQ
shirt into
the stadium. . .
. Texas Technical University
scored 72
points and held the University of
Louisville to
38 in a basketball game in Hawa-
ii,
Louisville's lowest score since
1948. . . . An
18-year-old co-ed
joined the Brown University
baseball team as a utility
infielder-outfielder.
lifepray.jpg that one time Jesus turned water into Jack Daniels Life Saver Dude: I'll pray for that
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside
Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include the Alaskan
elector-
ate.
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
November 20, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22113.jpg
Cover-up conspiracy 59 years after Dallas, Biden still protecting JFK's
killers, seals 16,000 files on assassination, the truth about Lee Harv.
Oswald (Globe); Kanye West psych ward emergency (Enquirer); Ye demands
million$ payout, Kim vs. Kanye divorce war explodes, threats,
blackmail,
restraining orders (Star); Gisele & Tom, who cheated? (IT); Joe
picked her up when she was down, Taylor Swift: Her untold story, The
two exes who almost ruined her, starting family in Rhode Island,
breakups eating disorder, getting married (L&S); Joe & Taylor:
How they make it work (US)
hed221132.jpg
Joe & Taylor: How they make it work (US); Joe & Taylor figting
over $570M prenup (Enquirer); Gwen & Bake miracle baby at 53 (US);
Plastic surgery confessions, Jessica two tummy tucks, Victoria hates
new boobs,
Chrissy
armpit lipo! (IT); Jealous Kate bans William from school runs with kids
(L&S); Kate begs Harry: 'Don't destroy William' (IT); $4,000 a day
limit,Boozing Camilla sent to rehab! Ordered to soberup for Charles'
coronation, shocking
reason
she fell off the wagon AGAIN (Enquirer); Royals shocked by lawyers on
standby, What Harry's memoir reveals, Charles warned it's worse than
first feared, begged friends & exes to speak out, raises old rumors
of his real father (US)
Dumb
news from Indiana:
Mike Pence'
autobiography, So
Help Me God, was published.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
wintersw.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): William
Winters, BM, 5'8", 165 lbs, robbery & bodily injury; Jerald Minzey,
WM, 6', 235 lbs, narcotics, bodily injury; Charles Frierson, BM, 5'7",
170 lbs, meth; Gregory Rhodes, WM, 6'2", 190 lbs, coke & syringe
Pumpkin
Gorge's high school athletic teams' nickname the "Black
Gnats" was confirmed by the school board and the
city council.
[courtesy LEX18]
quincy-p.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Ronald Wesley Skaggs, 23,
Buffalo, parole viol.; Emily Nicole Burke, 23, New Haven, contempt of
court; Rodney Keith Green, 34,
Louisville,
mobery; Perry Capri White Jr., 20, Lexington, conempt of court; Cynthia
Ann Hawkins, 54, Boston (Ky.), contempt of court; Michael Quincy
Parrott-Blaine, 26, Bardst., p.v.
Quotations of
the week:
"It did not end well."
– Mike
Pence
"It
doesn't take courage to break the law; it takes
courage to uphold
the law. . . . The
President's words were reckless. It's
clear that he decided to be part
of the problem."
– Mike
Pence
"The American voters decided they preferred a party that
is out of touch over one
that is out of its mind."
– David Brooks
munozmar.jpg
Arrested in Abilene: (Texas, not Kansas): Antonio Munoz Martinez, HM,
70, 5'6", 190 lbs, child sex; Erik Aaron Hubbert, WM, 22, 5'7", 185
lbs, upside down ears, robbery; Thomas Cody Rowden, WM, 36,
5'8",
190 lbs, aggravated assault; Osbaldo Coronado, HM, 5'6", 220 lbs,
upside down ears, indecency with child; Zachary Thomas Gotelaere, HM,
33, 5'9", 175 lbs, burglary, assault (Abilene Crime Stoppers)
Birthdays:
November 14: Condoleezza Rice, 68
now "King" Charles "III,"
74
P. J. O'Rourke (1947-2022)
November
15: Lofa Tatupu,
40
Anni-Frid Lyngstad, 77
Petula
Clark, 90
Ed Asner (1929-2021)
November 16: Oksana
Baiul, 45
Diana Krall, 58
Chi
Coltrane, 74
Garrett
"Garnet" Mimms, 89
November 17: RuPaul, 62
Danny
DeVito, 78
Jim
Boeheim, 78
Lorne
Michaels, 78
Martin
Scorsese, 80
Gordon
Lightfoot, 84
Rock
Hudson (1925-1985)
November 18: Megyn Kelly, 52
Margaret
Atwood, 83
Alan
Shepard
(1923-1998)
N ovember 19: Jodie
Foster, 60
Calvin Klein, 80
Ted
Turner, 84
Dick Cavett, 86
Larry King (1933-2021)
November 20: Judy Woodruff, 76
Joe Biden, 80
Dick Smotthers, 83
Duane Allman (1946-1971)
Bobby Kennedy (1925-1968)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Robert Clary, 96
Crossword
puzzle of the
week:
20A "Era
known for
Pegasus and
other winged
stallions?"
Answer:
WHENHORSESFLY
33A
"Tenderize
steaks?"
Answer:
BEATADEADCOW
41A
"Pet
restriction
set by the
condo board?"
Answer:
DON'THAVEAPIG
56A "Wall
Street site,
and what
happened in
order
to
form the
answers to the
clues above?"
Answer:
STOCKEXCHANGE
[L.A.
Times
11/4/22]
tinajone.jpb
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas): Johnathon Paul
Jensen, WM, 38, 6'2", 200 lbs, tattoos on chest, back, both arms, left
leg, probation violation; Chrstina ("Tina") Ann Jones,
WF,
23, 5'4", 130 lbs, tattoos on right neck "1999," upper right cheek
& chest, probation violation (opiates); Anthony Lee Duncan, WM, 46,
5'11", 175 lbs, theft, bad check (by Sedgwick County Sheriff)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Roberta
Flack was diagnosed with ALS ("Lou Gehrig's disease")
and un-
able to sing. . . . Pennsylvania's longest-serving state
representative, An-
thony DeLuca, 85 – 20 terms,39 years – was re-elected
posthumously. . .
.
Researchers found that primrose
oil increased women's enjoyment of sex.
. . . Donald
Trump announced his candidacy for President. . . . Wimble-
don relaxed its all white clothing rule for women to
allow colored panties
(as long as they don't show). . . . A prediction of four feet of
snow in Buf-
falo, New York, moved the Bills' Sunday home football
game against the
Cleveland, Ohio, Browns to Detroit, Michigan. . . . A Taylor
Swift tour
concert ticket sale was halted by Ticketmaster
over extreme demand. . . .
An unknown animal rightser uncaged and released thousands
of mink at
a farm in Ohio. . . . Baltimore, Maryland, prostitute Miss Laid completed
her thousandth fling of the year.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
zachcruz.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Zachary Cruz,27, trespass; Jessica Rodriguez, 24, fraud; Crystal Curl,
34, trespass; Logan Steed, 20, hwy dam; Maribel Fernandez, 24,theft;
Raymond Taylor, 50, DUI; Dustin Duffy, 34, contmpt
Dear
Eleanor:
I was outside early one morning with my dog in
the back yard. It was well before dawn, about
3:-
45 or 4
a.m. The dog is old and often wanders
around the yard aimlessly while I
sit on our patio,
which is surrounded by a fence.
Even though I'm nearly 60, my anatomy works
well; and I often wake up to a
morning erection.
Usually I
simply masturbate, and that helps me
last longer
and later in the day when my wife and
I are intimate. As
usual, I had a full erection this
particular
morning and had thrown my robe on
and taken the
dog out. She wandered about the
yard sniffing the flowers as I
began.
Several minutes in I heard our gate open and saw
our neighbor walk in. She let out a scream,
and I
looked up in shock and blew my
load everywhere
in front of her. She
immediately apologized and
ran back home.
I cleaned up and went back inside.
What now? I've been
avoiding her; and it's awk-
ward, as
we were good friends. We often barbe-
cued and
beered together on our patios. I know
she saw everything, and also I never
would have
thought she'd wander into our back yard at 4 in the
morning. What now?
Roscoe
Dear Rocky-Top:
What gave the bitch the nerve? Maybe she
has a thing for you. Knock on her door and
ask her if she'd like to suck you off at 4 ev-
ery morning to keep you from
masturbating.
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Mike Pence and
Rand Paul.
lifecaws.jpg
It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws Life Saver Dude:
Thank ou for answering my ancient classicogrammatic query
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
November 13, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the supermarket
– this week's headlines:
hed22112.jpg
Thay all hate each other, Kardashian sisters at war!; Kim, Kendall,
Klohé, Kourtney, New TV show canceled, Kendall says Kanye should get
the kids (Star); Kanye West most hated man in Hollywood (Enquirer);
Brad finally tells all, 'My 17 years of misery with Angie,' Lies,
constant screaming
&
revenge, Never had sex after the wedding, How Angelina became mean
& distant following Shiloh's birth (IT); Meghan's ultimatum to
Harry, 'It's me or the monarchy!',Fears he's backtracking on promises,
He's accused of changing his story, King Charles' threat to ban pair
from his coronation (US)
hed221122.jpg
Meghan's mental breakdown! New suicide fears! Harry's codependent! Why
they'll divorce (Enquirer); What really happened in Capitol Hill
assault, Secret Service tried to kidnap Pence, in cahoots with
new-Nazis (Globe)
LETTERS
to the EDITOR:
T. Mallon Tawarhaag
wrote Sun 11/6/22 @09:04 EST:
You misspelled actress Duvall's first
name: It's Shelley, not
"Shelly."
Not to mention Sissy's surname – Spacek,
not
"Spacechick."
Good points: You're right on the first of your gripes (it's
been correc-
ted) but not on the second.
– Editor
Charles McWhorter wrote Tues 11/8/22 @12:19 CST:
Playing cards on line today I drew a
partner named "Irrelevant"!
And he wasn't a robot! (And he wasn't
irrelevant – we won!)
Malachi Royer wrote Sun 11/6/22 @10:02 CST to his father:
Your friends are .all morons
Diego
Morales was elected Secretary of State.
[courtesy Muncie Star]
asanchex.jpg
South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Austin
Sanchez, WM, 5'10", 200 lbs, domesticbattery; Tori Richards, BM, 6'4",
150 lbs, battery of official;
Jessica
Stevens,WF, 5'7", 145 lbs, poss. of syringe, auto theft; Adrien Wright,
BM, 6', 175 lbs, armed robbery; Raymond Angotti, WM, 5'8", 160 lbs,
robbery
morenort.jpg
more in nothern Indiana: Ronald Johnson, 6'1", 185 lbs, Mj lookalike
(Marshall County), Jessie Hanson, WM, 6', 200 lbs, Escape (state)
(Michiana)
Dumb news
from Indiana and Kentucky:
Two Hoosiers and a
Kentuckian were indicted
for a
conspiracy to sell U.S. military secrets to China.
Dumb news from Kentucky:
duca1113.jpg Perps of Paducah (McCrracken County Clutterbook page)
Gerrymandering
was found constitutional
in the circuit court
in Frankfort, the state capital. . . .
Rebecca Blankenship, elected by write-in to the
school board
in Berea, became the first openly transgender
to be elected to
public office in Kentucky. . . .
Rand
Paul was re-elected senator.
[courtesy LEX18]
Quotations of the week:
"As we say with most things you come across in a
national park,
whether it be a banana slug, an unfamiliar mushroom or a large
toad with glowing eyes in the dead of
night, please refrain
from licking."
– The National Park Service, on Clutterbook
"Some of us have horrible children."
– Donald
Trump
The oldest living stars include:
Ali
MacGraw, 82
Lee
Majors, 82
Warren
Beatty, 84
Alan
Alda, 85
Sophia
Loren, 86
Clint
Eastwood, 91
Mel
Brooks, 95
hollings.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls,Texas)(Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Izeail Hollingsworth, BM, 18, 5'6", 120 lbs, probation
violation (robbery); La'Niha Banks, BF, 18, 5'2", 106 lbs, narcotics
Birthdays:
November
7: Roberta
Anderson
("Joni
Mitchell"), 79
Johnny
Rivers, 80
November 8:
Lynndie
England, 40
Bonnie Raitt,
73
Bonnie
Bramlett, 78
November
9: Lou
Ferrigno, 71
Whitey Herzog,
91
Mary Travers
(1936-2009)
Bob
Gibson (1935-2020;
not this Bob
Gibson
11/16/1931-9/28/1996).
November
10: Miranda
Laambert, 39
Dave
Loggins, 75
Donna
Fargo, 77
November
11: Leonardo
DiCaprio, 48
Calista
Flockhart, 58
Daniel
Ortega, 77
Kurt
Vonnegut
(1922-2007)
George
Patton
(1885-1945)
Fyodor
Dostoyevsky
(1821-1881)
November 12:
Ryan Gosling,
42
Tonya
Harding, 52
Sammy
Sosa, 54
Nadia
Comăneci,
61
Neil
Young, 77
Booker T.
Jones, 78
Charles Manson
(1934-2017)
Grace Kelly
(1929-1982)
November 13:
Caryn Elaine
Johnson
("Whoopi
Goldberg"), 67
Merrick Garland, 70
Steve Bilko (1928-1978)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Dow Finsterwald, 93
Gallagher, 76
Aaron Carter, 34
Crossword puzzle clue of the
week:
58A "Reached
from behind"
Answer:
BUTTDIALED
[L.A.
Times
10/31/22]
shenalee.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, no Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's): Devonte
Deon Ivory, BM, 26, 6'1", 180 lbs, child aband.; Charles Newby, 21, WM,
6'4", 315 lbs, prob. viol. (assault w/deadly weap.); Amber Nicole
Scherff, WF, 39, 5'4", 128 lbs,
probation
viol. (forgery); Victoria Mercedes Gayton, HF, 32, 5'3", 135 lbs, prob.
viol. (c.s.); Shena Lee Bazan, HF, 36, 5'4", 180 lbs (Yorkshire hog),
probation viol. (aggr. assault); Jenny Dawn Page, WF, 35, 5'6", 210 lbs
(Yorkshire hog), controlled substances
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Research on mice suggested that picking
your nose can lead to Alzheim-
er's disease. . . . A dick
and balls image drawn in the sky by
a U.S. Air
Force plane near a Russian base was not intentional, the Air
Force said.
. . . A nurse in Pierce County, Wisconsin, was charged with
felonies for
cutting a dying
man's foot off without his or his doctors' direction.
. . .
Two Denver, Colorado, firemen were suspended
for finding a living wo-
man to be dead. . . . A woman in Kampala, Uganda, was
arrested for
drugging men with sedatives placed on
her nipples and then robbing
them. . . . An 8-year-old boy in India bit to death a cobra
that had wrap-
ped itself around his hand and wouldn't shake loose. . . . A
23-year-old
Englishman was arrested for throwing
eggs at King Charles III and his
wife Queen Camilla.
[courtesy
Harper's, AP]
austdugg.jpg
Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Austin Dugger, 25, DUI; Anastasia Escamilla, 27, theft; Truth Chapman,
25, trespass;
Adrienne
Leon, 34, mj, family assault; Mary Aguilar, 50, DUI; Monica Perez, 27,
family assault, child aband.; Beatrice Sanchez, 24, mobery; Abel
Garcia, 20, ctl. subs.
Dear
Eleanor:
I don't cry when friends and
relatives
pass away; but I cried when my cat
died. Is there something
wrong with
me?
Dry
Eye
Dear Dreidel:
Maybe, maybe not. Do you have hay
fever?
People
who invited us to be their "friends" on Clutterbook
Facebook in the last week included Cemret Cemret.
DISCUSSION
GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested
in intellectual dissection of impor-
tant current events are invited to at-
tend the WeeklyWorld News Round
Table at the offices of Borf Books
outside Brownsville, Kentucky, af-
ter church every Sunday. Guest
speakers lined up for meetings in
the near future include the family
of Mahsa
Amini.
|
 
|
HOW TO
UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
lifeyard.jpg
We have video We know where you live If you don't pick up after your
dog, we'll send our grandson to poop on your lawn Life Saver Dude: I'm
gonna get me one of them signs and a grandson
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett
November 6, 2022:
Things you would never know if you did not browse
the tabloids while waiting for your wife at the counter in
the super-
market – this week's headlines:
hed22111.jpg
Inside Arethat's FBI files (Globe); Explosive SEC probe & $1.2M
fraud find, Kardashian greed empire busted, How crooked Kim fleeced her
fans, Kylie caught in bait & switch, Mom Kris accuased of peddling
porn (Enquirer); Loretta Lynn's deathbed confessions, forbidden love
with Conway,
tragic
family curse, Dolly made her jealous (Globe); War at House of Windsor,
King Charles purges Royal Family! Meghan & Harry are OUT! Fires 100
palace advisors for dislayalty, Strips Andrew's girls of Princess
titles (Globe); Kate slams Camilla: 'You're not fit to be Queen!" (Star)
Dumb news from Indiana:
Sentencing for
Shiam
Sunder Shankara Subramanian,
26, Co-
lumbus, found
guilty in the hit-and-run death of a 16-year-
old Columbus East High School student, has been postponed
to 1:30 p.m. December 8.
[courtesy Columbus Republic]
miwontay.jpg
Wanted in Northern Indiana (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Otis Young,
BM, meth, strangulatioon (wanted in Marshall Co.); Miwon Taylor, BM,
5'8", 145 lbs, felon with firearm (wanted by feds); Daniel Richardson,
BM, 5'10", 180 lbs, parole viol (rape) (wanted by state)
scribner.jpg
Sought in Shelby County, Indiana: Paul L. Scribner, WM, 43, 6', 200
lbs, dom. battery; Katelyn M. Mathis, WF, 25, 4'9", 95 lbs, meth;
Melissa A. Hoffman,
WF,
38, 5'2", 120 lbs, meth; Pamela A. Kresin, WF, 43, 5'8", 143 lbs, meth;
Gregory P. Hays, WM, 28, 5'10", 145 lbs, leaving the scene
A
Barren County Sheriff's
cruiser parked at a traffic crash site
was struck by another vehicle. Charges are pending.
[courtesy Park City
(Bowling Green) Daily News]
As
you enter Mammoth Cave National Park in Edmonson
Coun-
ty you will see a sign stating, in English, "CAUTION
DEER ON
ROADWAY." We did not find any signs stating, in
Deer, "CAU-
TION AUTOMOBILES ON ROADWAY."
rowlettk.jpg
Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): James Wayne Griffey
Jr.,37, Louisville, failure to signal, meth; Daniel Lee Marshall, 43,
Leitchfield, contempt of court;
Anthony
John Linton, 49, Bardstown,viol. protective ord.; William Todd Rowlett,
33, Bardstown, contempt of court; Kenny Ray Sandler, 46, Sonora, meth
& marijuana
Quotation of the week:
"To strive you need three bones: A wishbone, a
backbone and a
funny bone."
–
Julianna Christine
Quotation of the weak:
The British pop star Adele said her name should be
pronounced
"uh-dehwl."
Birthdays:
October 31: Jane Pauley, 72
Tom Paxton, 85
Dan Rather, 91
November
1: Coco Crisp, 43
Lyle Lovett, 65
Richard "Kinky" Friedman, 78
Gary Player, 87
Larry
Flynt (1942-2021)
November 2: K. D. Lang, 61
Pat Buchanan, 84
Ken Rosewall, 88
Shere Hite (1942-2020)
November 3: Kendall Jenner, 27
Colin Kaepeernick, 35
Rosanne Barr, 70
Lulu,
74
Ken Holtzman, 77
Roy Emerson, 86
Bob Feller
(191832010)
November 4: Puff
Daddy, 52
Delbert McClinton, 82
Loretta
Swit, 85
Dick Groat, 92
Walter Cronkite (1916-2009)
November 5: Tatum O'Neal, 59
Peter Noone, 75
Art Garfunkel, 81
Elke Sommer, 82
Gram Parsons (1946-1973)
Ike Turner (1931-2007)
November 6: Sally Field, 76
Glenn Frey (1948-2016)
Guy Clark (1941-2016)
Stonewall
Jackson
(the country
music star,
1932-2021; not the Civil
War general)
Tabloid
deadlines:
Patrick Haggerty, 78
Ray Guy, 72
Tony Siragusa, 55
Julie Powell, 49
edondrel.jpg
Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's): Julie
Ann Williams, WF, 63, 5'8", 180 lbs, probation viol.; Matthew Wayne
Gregory, WM, 34, 5'4", 130 lbs, assault on pub. svt.;
Roslyne
Young, BF, 40, 5'8", 130 lbs, probation violation (family assault);
Marcos Javier Garza, HM, 47, 6', 210 lbs, organized crime; Edondre
Lyntre Smith, BM, 20, 6', 340 lbs, assault w/deadly weapon
Crossword puzzle clue of the week:
38A "Funds
posted to free
a rancher?"
Answer:
HAYBAIL
[L.A.
Times10/21/22]
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Referenda
are scheduled in Arkansas, Maryland, Missouri and both Da-
kotas on whether to legalize "recreational" marijuana. . . . Seventeen
in-
ternet sites suggesting information on the third game of the
World Ser-
ies neglected to mention the time of the start of the game. . .
. "Nigger"
usage on Twitter jumped 500 per cent after completion of the
network's
sale to Elon Musk. . . . It was estimated
that Musk and Jeff Bezos lost
$58 billion apiece and that Mark Zuckerberg lost $90 billion
since the
start of the year. . . . A former Brazilian congressman supporting Jair
Bolsonaro fired a rifle and threw grenades at federal police
trying to ar-
rest him for calling a female Supreme Court justice a witch
and a prost-
itute. . . . Iranian state media announced that the "world's
dirtiest man"
had died at age 94 a few months after taking his first bath
in decades.
. . . A study reported that pedestrians give panhandlers
dressed in suits
more than twice
as much money as they give panhandlers in jeans. . . .
A former Miss Puerto Rico and a former Miss Argentina announced
that
they had married one another in Puerto
Corrupto.
[courtesy
Harper's, LEX18, AP]
melismed.jpg
Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County
Sheriff): Dillon Powell, WM, 30, 6'1", 170 lbs, endanger child,
interference w/Leo; Cantra Holden, BF, 52, 5'7", 165 lbs, probation
viol. (robbery);
Melissa
Medina, WF, 39, 5'4", 135 lbs, prob. viol. (ID theft); Sky Brewer, WF,
25, 5'5", 172 lbs (Yorkshire hog), probation violation (theft); Jose
Salinas-Navarro, HM, 41, 5'5", 180 lbs, tattoo on left neck, aggrav.
battery
Dear
Eleanor:
My cousin's bat mitzvah was held at a resort in
the middle of nowhere. Getting there would re-
quire a long train ride and hotel
costs; and I'd
had to share
a room with my parents (I'm 35).
I politely
declined.
My aunt and
uncle are well off, and I work only
part time. I
prefer to save my money. Recently
I received an
invitation to their daughter's wed-
ding. This would mean a
tremendous amount of
money on my part plus I'd have to
take off work
So I RSVP'd that I couldn't come.
Now my aunt
says I'm alienating my family. I
say my aunt and
uncle aren't being fair to their
guests. Shouldn't
we be allowed
to save our money and vacation
days for our own leisure?
Destination weddings
can be a problem. When
another cousin married
I attended but didn't give
because it cost me $150
just to get there. Isn't
that enough?
New
York
Dear Yorkshire:
Yup, that's a-plenty. You have
every right to
dump the fam and resign as a
hippie.
melzaror,jpg
Locked up in San Agelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff):
Melzar Ortez-Navas, 37, misc border ptrl hold; Mlarie Zachary, 23,
credit card abuse; Olivia Porter, 38, public drunk;
Ashley
Castillo, 34, crim. misch., reckless driving, cruelty to animals;
Danielle Faison, 22, misc parole violation; Melvin Gonzalex-Perez, 35,
miscellaneous border patrol hold
The sports:
Four Houston Astros
pitchers no-hit the Philadelphia Phil-
lies in the fourth game of the World Series, 5-0, in only the
second no-hitter
in World Series history (the first was the
New York Yankees' Don Larsen's perfect game against the
Brooklyn Dodgers in 1956).
Shelley
Duvall is back in the movies
(here she is being photographed
by Sissy Spacechick)
DISCUSSION GROUP:
Don't forget! Readers interested in intellectual
dissection of
important current events are invited to attend the Weekly
World
News Round Table at the offices of Borf Books outside Browns-
ville, Kentucky, just after church every Sunday. Guest
speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include uh-dehwl.
lifemeto.jpg
I'm tired of watching the dog make a fool of himself for the human
let's go catch mice, Life Saver Dude: Meow, too! I'm bored!
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:
Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this
inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET
THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"
But remember also, you have to spell and punctuate
the message
exactly as it appears above without quotation marks, and
without that
redundant "Re: " that appears in so many subject lines or
you'll keep
getting this shit! ("Cut and paste" won't work, either.
We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary
entertainment" – Karen Crockett