December 25, 2022:    Things you  would  never  know  if you did not browse
    the  tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headlines
:

hed22124.jpg CAT FARTS; 47 pawsome points (a coloring book); Criminal minds (TV Guide); William & Kate: We love America, Plan first visit in eight years (In Touch); Meghan & Harry spoil Christmas for Royal Family (Life & Style); JFK secrretly exhumed (National Examiner); Gwen:: A baby at 53! (Life & Style); William Shatner's private pain at 91, suspected of murder after wife's bizarre death, incurable condition makes him suicidal, blames self for ugly feud with Leonard Nimoy, why going into space broke his heart (Examiner)
hed22124.jpg CAT FARTS; 47 pawsome points (a coloring book); Criminal minds (TV Guide); William & Kate: We love America, Plan first visit in eight years (In Touch); Meghan & Harry spoil Christmas for Royal Family (Life & Style); JFK secrretly exhumed (National
Examiner); Gwen:: A baby at 53! (Life & Style); William Shatner's private pain at 91, suspected of murder after wife's bizarre death, incurable condition makes him suicidal, blames self for ugly feud with Leonard Nimoy, why going into space broke his heart (Examiner)
Dumb news from Indiana:
The Columbus Animal Services Center was inviting the pub-
lic to Bring Christmas to the Animals with adoptions  and o-
ther services.
                                                 [courtesy Columbus Republic]

whisenan.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Michael Whisenant, BM, 5'10", 170 lbs, parole violation (syringe, meth, firearm); Randell Orrell, WM, 5'10", 265 lbs, parole violation (theft, meth, inducing crime); Jason Bryant, WM, 5'5", 165 lbs, parole violation (syringe, meth, escape)
whisenan.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Michael Whisenant, BM, 5'10", 170 lbs, parole violation (syringe, meth, firearm); Randell Orrell, WM, 5'10", 265 lbs, parole violation (theft, meth, inducing crime); Jason Bryant, WM, 5'5", 165 lbs, parole violation (syringe, meth, escape)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Parking meter rates in Lexington are rising to 75 cents an hour
in 50-cent regions, to $1.50 in dollar regions,  and to $2 in $1.-
50 regions.
                                                                         [courtesy LEX18]

d'edward.jpg Michael d'Edwards Clay, BM, 29, 5'6", 150 lbs, robbery kidnapping (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
d'edward.jpg Michael d'Edwards Clay, BM, 29, 5'6", 150 lbs, robbery kidnapping (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                               19A "Go along with harsh criti-
                                                                         
cism of an Athenian"
     Answer:  AGREETODISAGREEK                                                   [L.A. Times, 12/18/22]


Quotation of the week
:
                                          "I wasn't just being thrown to the wolves; I was being fed
                                            to the wolves."
                                                                          – Meghan Markle

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Women who talk with their hands are lousy in bed.  But I guess you
  knew that."

 
                         – Leonard Simon

Birthdays:
                 December 19:  Jennifer Beals, 59
                                          Janie Fricke, 75
                                          Dr. William DeVries, 79
                                          Phil Ochs (1940-1976)
                                          Cicely Tyson (1924-2021)
                   
                 December 20:
  Alan Parsons, 74
                                          Uri Geller,76
                 December 21:  Emmanuel Macron, 45
                                          Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland, 56
                                          Chris Evert, 68
                                          Michael Tilson Thomas, 78
                                          Jane Fonda, 85
                                          Frank Zappa (1940-1993)
                  December 22:  Diane Sawyer, 77
                                          Paul Wolfowitz, 79
                                          Maurice and Robin Gibb (1949-2003, -2012)

                  December 23:  Jorma Kaukonen, 82
                                          
Paul Hornung (1935-2020)
                  December 24:  Mary Barra, 61
                                           Hamid Karzai, 65
                                           Jeff Sessions, 76
                                           Anthony Fauci, 82
                                           
Ava Gardner (1922-1990)
                  December 25:  Justin Trudeau, 51
                                           Rickey Henderson, 64
                                           Sissy Spacek, 73
                                           
Merry Clayton, 74
                                           Barbara Mandrell, 74
                                           
Jimmy Buffett, 76
                                           Larry Csonka, 76
                                           Humphrey Bogart (1899-1957)
                                           He for Whom this Day is Named (ca. 4 BC - 29 AD)
                                            (and he is not listed in Famous Birthdays on December 25)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Franco Harris, 72
                                Ronnie Hillman, 31

eternity.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma): Eternity Hull, BM, 20, 5'7", 140 lbs, theft; Daniella Deidra Canava, HF, 38, 5'10",  120 lbs, substance in jail; Mykel Laurence Foster, WM, 27, 5' 10", 220 lbs, burglary; Leigh Beth Dilday, WF, 58, 5'5", 170 lbs, gun theft; Xavion Trendale Smith, BM, 25, 5'9", 150 lbs.,gun theft
eternity.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma): Eternity Hull, BM, 20, 5'7", 140 lbs, theft; Daniella Deidra Canava, HF, 38, 5'10",  120 lbs, substance in jail;
Mykel Laurence Foster, WM, 27, 5' 10", 220 lbs, burglary; Leigh Beth Dilday, WF, 58, 5'5", 170 lbs, gun theft; Xavion Trendale Smith, BM, 25, 5'9", 150 lbs.,gun theft
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
No Britons were arrested at this year's soccer World Cup for the first
time in history. .  .  .  The mayor of Istanbul was sentenced to 2 years
and 7 months for calling Turkish election officials  "fools"  after they
demanded a repeat of of the election he proceeded to win by a larger
majority than his original. . . . Police broke into an art gallery in Lon-
don,  England,  to rescue an unconcious woman who turned out to be
a mannequin. . . . A public library in Boulder,  Colorado,  was closed
for having a "higher than acceptable" level  of  methamphetamine  in
its air ducts. . . . The temperature in Dillon. Montana, dropped 26 de-
grees in 3 minutes Wednesday.
                                                           
[courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


decimast.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tesas) (by Sedgwick County Sher.): Eric Currie, BM, 36, 5'9", 160 lbs, probation violation (criminal use of weapons); Decima Straub, WF, 40, 5'6", 170 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob. viol. (narcs.); Juan Batista, WM, 25, 5'11", 180 lbs, prob. viol. (aggr. assault)
decimast.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Tesas) (by Sedgwick County Sher.): Eric Currie, BM, 36, 5'9", 160 lbs, probation violation (criminal use of weapons); Decima Straub, WF, 40, 5'6", 170 lbs (Yorkshire hog), prob. viol. (narcs.); Juan Batista, WM, 25, 5'11", 180 lbs, prob. viol. (aggr. assault)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I am a female Uber driver  in  Rugmunch,  Ky.    Re-
                            cently I picked up a male customer at his home.   He
                            sweetly kissed his wife and children  and  said good-
                            bye,  and off we went.   After a few miles,  he  asked
                            me to make a stop.  I pulled up to a house, and a wo-
                            man got in the car.   They  kissed,  and  she  said,,  "I
                            missed you.  When are you leaving her?"

                            I was furious to discover he was obviously having an
                            affair.    I dropped them off at a hotel in town.   I feel
                            obligated to go back to his house  and  tell his wife a-
                            bout this affair.  WWED?  (What would Eleanor do?)


                                                                                              Uber Pissed

Dear Upiss:
                        Don't  bother.  She  already  knows.  She's the one who
                        called Uber for her husband's ride.    She wanted to get
                        rid of him for the day  so she could have her boy friend
                        over to the house.

bandalyv.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nathaniel Banda, 32, fraud; Emerald Medina,34, mobery; Aliyah Ortega, 26, speeding; Joshua Soto,30, DUI; Amanda Glenn, 30, trash on property; Brandi Lyvers, crim. tresp.; Dominic Torres,20, harassment
bandalyv.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Nathaniel Banda, 32, fraud; Emerald Medina,34, mobery; Aliyah Ortega, 26, speeding; Joshua Soto,30, DUI; Amanda Glenn, 30, trash on property; Brandi Lyvers, crim. tresp.; Dominic Torres,20, harassment
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

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      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
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cial filter to detect that.)


DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Prince Harry.

 
lifejuan.jpg Taco emergencycall 9 Juan Juan; Life Saver Dude: Juan and done, no?
lifejuan.jpg Taco emergencycall 9 Juan Juan; Life Saver Dude: Juan and done, no?
"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett

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Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 18, 2022:    Things you  would  never  know  if you did not browse
    the  tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headlines
(and again, for the fourth week in a row, no new
    tabloid newspapers at our supermarket):


hed22123.jpg Nation surprised to learn Synema was a Democrat (Borowitz Report); Declaration of Indepence found in Trump storage (Borowitz); Hweaxhwl Walker claims elections rigged against those with less votes (Borowitz); Musk worried Twitter won't have enough to fire on Christmas Eve (Onion); Joanna Gaines: I'm finding my true self (People)
hed22123.jpg Nation surprised to learn Synema was a Democrat (Borowitz Report); Declaration of Indepence found in Trump storage (Borowitz); Hweaxhwl Walker claims
elections rigged against those with less votes (Borowitz); Musk worried Twitter won't have enough to fire on Christmas Eve (Onion); Joanna Gaines: I'm finding my true self (People)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The Kentucky School for the Deaf basketball team  at  Danville
snapped a 43-game losing streak dating back to February, 2018,
with a 43-20 victory over the Pennsylvania School for the Deaf.

                                                                          [courtesy LEX18]

keitashl.jpg Lexington's most wanted: Keita J. Hqyden, a/k/a "Rowdy," BM, 41, 5'10", 190 lbs, supv.release viol.; Ashley Swartz, WF, 36, 5'6", 215 lbs (Yorkshire hog), sup. rel. viol. (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)
Dumb news from Indiana:
marshawn.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) [WM bailed out or escaped before we could ID him] Marshawn Lovelady, BM, 6'1", 155 lbs, handgun w/o license; William Richey, W (red?)M, 5'6", 175 lbs, narcs.; Marqus [sic] Phillips, BM, 6', upside down ears, meth
Quotations of the week:
                                            "I don't even know what the heck is a pronoun."
                                        
                                                                                   – Herschel Walker
        "Death is a natural part of life."

                                                            – Nasser al-Khater, Qatar's World
                                                               Cup chief, commenting on a migrant
                                                               worker killed at the tournament

Birthdays:
                   December 12:  Tracy Austin, 60
                                            Dickey Betts, 79
                                           
Dionne "Warwick" Warrick, 82
                                            Concetta Franconera ("Connie Francis"), 85
                                            Bob Barker, 99
                   December 13:  Taylor Swift, 33
                                            Ferguson Jenkins, 80
                                            Carl Erskine, 96
                                            Dick Van Dyke, 97
                                            Christopher Plummer (1929-2021)
                                            George P. Shultz (1920-2021)

                   December 14:  Abigail Lassman ("Abbe Lane"), 90
                                            Felix the Cat, 103
                                           
Patty Duke (1946-2016)
                   
December 15:  Dave Clark, 83
                                            Cindy Birdsong, 83
                                            Eddie Robinson (1920-2021)
                                            Nero (37-68)
                   December 16:  Benny Andersson, 76
                                            Leslie Stahl, 81

                                            Liv Ullmann, 84
                                            Morris Dees, 86
                   December 17:  Pope Jorge, 86
                   December 18:  Christina Aguilera, 42
                                            
Barkha Dutt, 51
                                            Steven Spielberg, 76
                                            Keith Richards, 79

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Stuart Margolin, 82
                                Stephen "tWitch" Boss, 40

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                                55D  "Biting remark"
                              Answer:  SICEM                                             [New Yorker, 12/16/22]

wiggiwa.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Keves A. Brown, BM, 38, 5'8", 145 lbs, tattoo on left arm, probation violation; Joe Lee Hardyway Jr., BF [sic}, 5'6", 150 lbs, prob. viol.(bodily harm); Javin Devon Dean, BM, 26, 6'3", 350 lbs, great bodily harm & other viols.; Johnny D. Sauls Jr., BM, 19, 6'3", 165 lbs, chest tattoo, probation violation; Alberto J. Gonalzez-Salas [sic], a/k/a Jaime, 44, 5'8", 139 lbs, ag. batt.marcusro.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Marcuse Romero Ybarra, HM, 5'5", 165 lbs, probation viol. (cntrld. substs.); Heather Nicole Hall, WF, 5'2", 285 lbs, (Yk. hog), bond forf., endangering child; Aaron Mark Johnston, WM, 32, 5'4", 140 lbs, prob. viol. (credit inss.); Precious Nicole Tillery, BF, 24, 5'6", 100 lbs, p.v. (assault); Avery Saul Bowman,BM, 38, 6'1", 180 lbs, ag. assault
marcusro.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Marcuse Romero Ybarra, HM, 5'5", 165 lbs, probation viol. (cntrld. substs.); Heather Nicole Hall, WF, 5'2", 285 lbs, (Yk. hog),
bond forf., endangering child; Aaron Mark Johnston, WM, 32, 5'4", 140 lbs, prob. viol. (credit inss.); Precious Nicole Tillery, BF, 24, 5'6", 100 lbs, p.v. (assault); Avery Saul Bowman,BM, 38, 6'1", 180 lbs, ag. assault
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
A bomb threat evacuated a Patti LaBelle Christmas concert  in  Milwau-
kee, Wisconsin. . . . The new prophet of the Fu
ndamentalist Church of
Later-Day Saints
was arrested for bribing his 13-year-old daughter with
Doritos and $50 to marry him. . . .
A man was denied bail after mooning
a judge in Dearborn, Michigan. .  .  .
The  Supreme  Court  was deciding
whether a black mall Santa Claus had to have his photo taken with a kid
drressed in a Ku Klux Klan robe. .  . .  A man who posted  "How   about
me?"  on the Rockdale County, Georgia, Sheriff's Clutterbook Facebook
list of most wanted criminals was arrested on two outstanding warrants.
.  .  . Workers at a British homeless agency went on strike claiming their
low wages left them on the verge of homelessness. .  .  . At least 14 pers-
ons drowned in a flooding river at a baptism in South Africa. . . . A man
was stung to death in South Africa talking to a swarm of bees he thought
were  his ancestors.
                                                                 [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

wiggiwa.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Keves A. Brown, BM, 38, 5'8", 145 lbs, tattoo on left arm, probation violation; Joe Lee Hardyway Jr., BF [sic}, 5'6", 150 lbs, prob. viol.(bodily harm); Javin Devon Dean, BM, 26, 6'3", 350 lbs, great bodily harm & other viols.; Johnny D. Sauls Jr., BM, 19, 6'3", 165 lbs, chest tattoo, probation violation; Alberto J. Gonalzez-Salas [sic], a/k/a Jaime, 44, 5'8", 139 lbs, ag. batt.
wiggiwa.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Keves A. Brown, BM, 38, 5'8", 145 lbs, tattoo on left arm, probation violation; Joe Lee Hardyway Jr. BF [sic}, 5'6", 150 lbs, prob. viol.(bodily harm);
Javin Devon Dean, BM, 26, 6'3", 350 lbs, great bodily harm & other viols.; Johnny D. Sauls Jr., BM, 19, 6'3", 165 lbs, chest tattoo, probation violation; Alberto J. Gonalzez-Salas [sic], a/k/a Jaime, 44, 5'8", 139 lbs, ag. batt.
Dear Eleanor:
                            My ex-wife, "Jenny," and I were together seven years,
                            and married for almost five.  We have a child.  We've
                            been divorced for eight months.     I've been trying to
                            reconcile  with  her  because  she's the love of my life
                            and I want our family to be together.


                            The problem is that since we separated she has been
                            seeing my ex-best friend, "Mack," who was the best
                            man at our wedding. I was crushed when I found out.
                            I have tried to show Jenny that  Mack  is a manipula-
                            tor and a liar and that he hasn't been honest with her.


                            I know that I am clearly the best man for Jenny,  our
                            son  and  our family.  However,  she continues to see
                            Mack even after his true colors have been shown and
                            after I have done everything to make things right with
                            us.  How should I proceed?

                                                                                      Righting a Wrong

Dear Righteous:
                              Wait a minute!  In your second paragraph you said Mack
                              was the best man.  In your third paragraph,  you said you
                              are.  Make up your alleged mind!  And  say good-bye  to
                              things and people who are gone.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissection  of  impor-
tant current events are invited to attend the WeeklyWorld News Round
Table at the offices  of  Borf  Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky,  af-
ter  church every Sunday.  Guest  speakers  lined up for meetings in the
near future include Leonard Simon.




  lifesirl.jpg My grandfather was a knight, his name was Sir Loin; Life Saver Dude: My mother was a kite, her name was Flying Nun

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“
Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 11, 2022:    Things you  would  never  know  if you did not browse
     the  tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headline (for the third week in a row, no new tabloid newspa-
    pers at our supermarket; we found the first three below in one old
National
    Examiner – October 31, 2022 – at the Dollar Store,  a general convenience
    store for cheapskates):


hed2212.jpg Garth & Trisha's amazing love diet! How he lost 60 lbs on her home cooking, her secret plot for spicy 2nd honey moon (Examiner); 60th anniversary, James Bond stars' wildest scandals, hot affairs, boozing, nasty feuds, Sean Connery, Pierse Brosnan, Roger Moore, Daniel Craig (Examiner); Barbara Walters, 93, dementia heartache, can't remember famous friends (Examiner); Trump says he didn't know who dinner guest Kanye West was because of hood (Borowitz Report); Michelle goes after Joe's job! (Enquire on line)
hed2212.jpg Garth & Trisha's amazing love diet! How he lost 60 lbs onher home cooking, her secret plot for spicy 2nd honey moon (Examiner); 60th anniversary, James Bond stars' wildest scandals, hot affairs, boozing, nasty feuds, Sean Connery, Pierse Brosnan, Rogerhed2212.jpg Garth & Trisha's amazing love diet! How he lost 60 lbs on her home cooking, her se
cret plot for spicy 2nd honey moon (Examiner); 60th anniversary, James Bond stars' wildest scandals, hot affairs, boozing, nasty feuds, Sean Connery, Pierse Brosnan, Roger Moore, Daniel Craig (Examiner); Barbara Walters, 93, dementia heartache, can't remember famous friends (Examiner); Trump says he didn't know who dinner guest Kanye West was because of hood (Borowitz Report); Michelle goes after Joe's job! (Enquire on line)
Dumb news from Indiana:
Approximately 100 Purdue University students assembled in
West Lafayette to protest the appearance of former U.S. Pres-
dent  George  W.  Bush  at  Purdue  President  Mitch Daniels'
final lecture.
                                   [courtesy Lafayette Journal & Courier]

winstinr.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Winstin [sic] Cartwright, WM, 5'10", 140 lbs, battery; Martel Williams, BM, 6', 175 lbs, strangulation; Timothy Anderson, BM, 5'11", 145 lbs, arson; Sharon Jamison, BF, 6'4", 160 lbs (Yorkshire giant), armed robbery)
winstinr.jpg South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.): Winstin [sic] Cartwright, WM, 5'10", 140 lbs, battery; Martel Williams,
BM, 6', 175 lbs, strangulation; Timothy Anderson, BM, 5'11", 145 lbs, arson; Sharon Jamison, BF, 6'4", 160 lbs (Yorkshire giant), armed robbery)
Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Western Kentucky tornado victim became a chainsaw artist and
is making art out of the debris.
                                                                             [courtesy LEX18]
icockjac.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Kristopher Garr, BM, 27, 5'8", 150 lbs, wanton endangerment; Tyler (a/k/a Jacob) Icock, WM, 24, 5'7", 150 lbs, coke, fentanyl; Raymon Carter, BM, 33, 5'11", 170 lbs, upside down eaars, domestic assault
icockjac.jpg Lexington's most wanted (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers): Kristopher Garr, BM, 27, 5'8", 150 lbs, wanton endangerment;
Tyler (a/k/a Jacob) Icock, WM, 24, 5'7", 150 lbs, coke, fentanyl; Raymon Carter, BM, 33, 5'11", 170 lbs, upside down eaars, domestic assault
Quotations of the week:
                                          "A massive fraud of this type and magnitude calls for the termina-
                                            tion of all rules, regulations and articles, even those found in the
                                            Constitution."
                                                                          – Donald Trump

         "The other day they called me a coon.  I'm from the country.  If you know anything about
           a coon – it's one of the smartest animals out there."
                                                                                                – Herschel Walker

         
"In my day, hot pants were something we had, not wore."
                                                                                                        – Bette Davis

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"Excuse me, Ms. Sanders, but those boots make it appear to me that
  you want to ride me cowgirl style."

 
                                                                                          – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                    December 5:  Jim Plunkett, 75
                                          "Little" Richard Wayne Penniman (1932-2020)
   
                December 6:  Elian Gonzalez, 29
                                           Richard Speck (1941-1991)
                                           Dave Brubeck (1920-2012)
                                           Otto Graham (2021-2003)
                    December 7:  Vŕclav Chalupa Jr., 55
                                           Johnny Bench, 75
                                           Ellen Burstyn, 90
                                           Noam Chomsky, 94
                                           Harry Chapin (1942-1981)
                    December 8:  Nicki Minaj, 40
                                           Shuhadá Davitt
 ("Sinead O'Connor"), 56
                                           Jim Morrison (1943-1971)

                    December 9:  World B. Free, 69
                                           Dick Butkus, 80
                                           Judi Dench, 88
                                           Kirk Douglas (1916-2020)
                  December 10:  Diane Schuur, 69
                                           Ralph Tavares (1941-2021)
                   December 11:  Brenda Lee, 78
                                           Teri Garr, 78
                                           John Kerry, 79
                                           David Gates, 82
                                           Rosa Dolores Alverio ("Rita Moreno"), 91

Tabloid deadlines:
                                Kirstie Alley, 71
                                Ronnie Turner, 62

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                               45D "People might not want to drop
                                                                         them in polite company"
                          Answer:  FBOMBS                                                                [
New Yorker, 11/30/22]

kyokokok.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita,Kansas: Billy Moten Payne,, 74, 5'8", 128 lbs, aggrav robbery; Charles Aaron Brown, BM, 31, 6'3", 290 lbs, indecent w/whild; Stephanie Michelle Hubert, WF, 48, 5', 155 lbs (Yorkshire hog), theft; Auturo Martinez, HM, 24, 5' 11", 254 lbs, probation violation (c.s.); Marion Brown, BM, 32, 6', 160 lbs, forgery
kyokokok.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita,Kansas: Billy Moten Payne,, 74, 5'8", 128 lbs, aggrav robbery; Charles Aaron Brown, BM, 31, 6'3", 290 lbs, indecent w/whild;
Stephanie Michelle Hubert, WF, 48, 5', 155 lbs (Yorkshire hog), theft; Auturo Martinez, HM, 24, 5' 11", 254 lbs, probation violation (c.s.); Marion Brown, BM, 32, 6', 160 lbs, forgery
Borf 's weekly BONUS:
Oxford Dictionaries selected "goblin mode" as their "word of the year." . . .
Volodymyr Zelenksy was named Time Magazine's "person of the year." . . .
Leonard Simon was named Tabloid Headlines' "philosopher of the year." . . .
Sarah Huckabee Sanders was named "dumb cunt of the year." . . .   Herschel
Walker
was named dumber cunt of the year.  . . . The e-game Wordle was ra-
ted most-searched word of the year by Google. . . .  An iguana climbed atop
a transformer in Lake Worth Beach, Florida, and caused  a 35-minute power
outage to 1,431 electricity customers.
                                                                       [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

sellestu.jpg Wanted in Wicita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls,Texas): (Sedgwick County Sheriff), Clinton Taylor Selle, WM, 32, 6'2", 200 lbs, felon w/gun; Marion Stuard Moralles-Pellecer, HM, 5'6", 175 lbs, tattoos, probation violation (opiates); Joseph Jamil Godbee, BM, 27, 6', 145 lbs, aggravated assault; Austin Greenhoff, WM, 5'10", 190 lbs, probation viol. (burglary); Isaiah Marquee Jones, BM, 5'9", 160 lbs, probation vi. (dom. battery)
sellestu.jpg Wanted in Wicita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls,Texas): (Sedgwick County Sheriff), Clinton Taylor Selle, WM, 32, 6'2", 200 lbs, felon w/gun; Marion Stuard Moralles-Pellecer, HM, 5'6", 175 lbs, tattoos,
probation violation (opiates); Joseph Jamil Godbee, BM, 27, 6', 145 lbs, aggravated assault; Austin Greenhoff, WM, 5'10", 190 lbs, probation viol. (burglary); Isaiah Marquee Jones, BM, 5'9", 160 lbs, probation vi. (dom. battery)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I've been married a little over a year.  I love my wife.
                            But shortly before our wedding I met a co-worker I'-
                            ll call Alexis.  We hit it off and I consider her a close
                            friend.   She and I hooked up a few times before and
                            after  my  wedding.  We never discuss the encounters
                            after they happen.  After we've had a few drinks, we
                            say things about being together but mostly we're just
                            best friends.

                            While my friends believe this is odd its almost a bles-
                            sing  that the  awkward  conversation  doesn’t happen
                            after a night of something happening.  There've  been
                            instances when  I've ditched my wife to hang out with
                            Alexis  – not to do anything but just to hang out with
                            her and her mother.   My wife says I spend too much
                            time with Alexis  between work  and after work,  but
                            she's fun to be with.  My wife is kind of a homebody.
                            She doesn't like to go out and have a good time.

                            My wife doesn’t trust Alexis,  and while I can’t blame her,
                             I’m conflicted about what my next step should be.   I love
                             my wife, but I also love Alexis as more than a friend; and
                             I know she feels the same.  What should I do next?

                                                                                                    Love Them Both
Dear Lover Lad:
                                What a creep you are.     You're like the guys that made Re-
                                no famous.  Make up your alleged mind, and give your wife
                                the first option.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested
in intellectual dissection  of  impor-
tant current events are invited to at-
tend the WeeklyWorld News Round
Table at the offices  of  Borf  Books
outside Brownsville, Kentucky,  af-
ter  church  every  Sunday.    Guest
speakers  lined  up  for meetings in
the near future include Sarah Huck-
abee Sanders
.

                                                                      

The sports:

                    Fred McGriff was elected to the Major League Baseball Hall of

                    Fame;  Barry Bonds,  Roger Clemens  and  Curt Schilling  were
                     not.  .  .   .  Women  were competing in American football in Eu-
                     rope
.

  lifemcmc.jpg Mickey Mouse Club Life Saver Dude: Uh er I think I'll have the Hardee's small burger after all
lifemcmc.jpg Mickey Mouse Club Life Saver Dude: Uh er I think I'll have the Hardee's small burger after all

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"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment. – "Karen Crockett


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Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com       Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                    The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210      War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



December 4, 2022:    Things you  would  never  know  if you did not browse
    the  tabloids  while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket
    – this week's headlines
:

hed22121.jpg Trump claims wife supported Oz asshe likes men unfit to govern (Borowitz); Musk praised by people wanting MarjorieT.Greene back on Twitter (Borowitz); Trump claims wife suported Oz as she likes men unfit to govern (Borowitz); FDA: Tying penis into knot prevents only 73% of pregnancies (Onion)
hed22121.jpg Trump claims wife supported Oz asshe likes men unfit to govern (Borowitz); Musk praised by people wanting MarjorieT.Greene back on Twitter (Borowitz); Trump claims wife suported Oz as she likes men unfit to govern (Borowitz); FDA: Tying penis into knot prevents only 73% of pregnancies (Onion)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Bill Skaggs wrote Sat 11/26/22 @16:06 EST re scheduled
appearances at the Weekly World News Round Table:
How can you have an intelligent conversation with
Mike Pence and Rand Paul?


A Tabloid Headlines editorial:
Our primary source of tabloid headlines is  the  Kroger  super-
market on the U.S. 31-W Bypass in Bowling Green, Ky.;  but
for the last two weeks there have been no  new  issues  of tab-
loid newspapers there.   This  explains  our recent reliance on
the Borowitz Report and the Onion, both on line – and on on-
line presentations of  the  National  Enquirer  and  the  Globe.
Please energize your local grocery stores.


Dumb news from Indiana:
Purdue University (5, at 5-0)  and Indiana (10, at 6-0) vaulted
into  the Associated Press'  top-ten-ranked  college  basketball
teams.
                                                       [courtesy Indianapolis Star]

The state's attorney general asked the state's Medical Licensing
Board to discipline the doctor who performed an abortion on a
10-year-old Ohio rape victim.

                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

   
        The Swingles will perform at Hatfield Hall, Rose-Hul-
        man Institute,  Terre  Haute,  at  7:30 p.m.  Wednesday.
        Jazz, classical, folk, pop and more.  Adults, $35; under
        18 and faculty, $30.
                                        [courtesy Terre Haute Tribune-Star]
Dumb news from Kentucky:
Bowling Green canceled its annual Christmas parade  amid
threats of violence in a protest of the murder of Emmet Till,
whose accuser recently moved there from Missisippi . . . .

Farmers are growing "bourbon shrooms" from  distillery by-
products.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]
penisenv.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Edward Geronimo Gonzalez-Perez, 18, Bardstown, penis envy; Anthony John Linton, 49 Bardstown, forgery, assault; Ashely Danielle Morley, 35, Bardstown, public drunk; Shawn David Thomas, 44, New Haven, flagrant nonsupport; Jason Tyler Adcock, 30, Bardstown, criminal trespass 2°
penisenv.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Edward Geronimo Gonzalez-Perez, 18, Bardstown, penis envy; Anthony John Linton, 49 Bardstown, forgery, assault;
shely Danielle Morley, 35, Bardstown, public drunk; Shawn David Thomas, 44, New Haven, flagrant nonsupport; Jason Tyler Adcock, 30, Bardstown, criminal trespass 2°
Quotations of the week:
                                         "I praised him for violent behavior really early.  I told him it works.  It is
                                           instant, and you'll get immediate results."
                                                                                                               Aaron Brink, father of the Col-
                                                                                                                  orado Springs queer shooter


Birthdays:
                    November 28:  Randy Newman, 79
                                             Gary Hart, 86
                                             Berry Gordy, 93
                    November 29:  Chuck Mangione, 82
                                             Vin Scully (1927-2022)
                    November 30:  Bo Jackson, 60
                                             Terrence Malick, 79
                                             Paul Stookey, 85
                                             Abbie Hoffman (1936-1989)
                                             G. Gordon Liddy (1930-2021)
                      December 1:  Bette Midler, 77
                                             Dianne Lennon, 83
                                             Allan Konigsberg ("Woody Allen"), 87
                      December 2:  
Barkley the Dog, 4
                                             Britney Spears, 41
                                             Monica Seles, 49
                                             Cathy Lee Crosby, 78 (not Kathryn Grant Crosby, 89 last week)
                                             Yael Dayan, 83 (but Wikipedia says February 12, 1939)
                                              Edwin Meese, 90
                                              Harry Reid (1939-2021)
                       December 3:  Mary Margaret "Jaye P." Morgan, 91
                                              Jean-Luc Godard (1930-2022)
                       December 4:  Lucy Liu, 54
                                              Marisa Tomei, 58
                                              Chris Hillman, 78
                                              Anna McGarrigle, 78
                                              Dennis Wilson (1944-1983)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Jiang Zemin, 96
                                Gaylord Perry, 84
                                Christine McVie, 79

Crossword  puzzle clues of the week:
                                                               30A "Clothing in the Sunshine State?"
           Answer:  FLATTIRE

                                                               16A  "Flower of the Hoosier State?"
           Answer: 
INCARNATION
                                                               44A "Girls in the Show-Me State?"
           Answer:  MOLASSES                                                                           
[L.A. Times
, 11/25/22]


 Kelly Ozbourne (Ozzy's daughter, left) and a friend.
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
The World Health Organization recommended renaming monkeypox
mpox. . . . A bank robber in Southfield, Michigan, hired Uber for his
getaway. . . . A female judge in Columbia was suspended for conduc-
ting a virtual hearing clad only in underwear and smoking. .  .  . Kim
Kardasian and Ye  reached a divorce settlement  including  a  curious
$200,000-a-year child support clause. .  .  . Benjamin Netanyahu call-
ed Donal Trump's meeting with Kanye West "a mistake."

                                                           [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

    lonzlalo.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Anthony Deonte Thurman, BM, 30, 5'8", 230 lbs, aggravated battery; Amanda Louise Mills, WF, 31, 5'11",200 lbs, endangering achild; Alonzo Lalo Vader, HM, 23, 5'6", 110 lbs, burglary

lonzlalo.jpg Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Anthony Deonte Thurman, BM, 30, 5'8", 230 lbs, aggravated battery; Amanda Louise Mills, WF, 31, 5'11",200 lbs, endangering achild; Alonzo Lalo Vader, HM, 23, 5'6", 110 lbs, burglary
Dear Eleanor:
                            I became engaged to a wonderful man five months ago.
                            We have set a wedding date for next year.    I'm ecstatic
                            – thrilled to be planning such an important milestone in
                            my life.   I’m the youngest of five girls.   Four of us are
                            extremely close. Three of my sisters have graciously of-
                            fered to help with the wedding planning and preparation.
                            I have included them in my bridal party – matron of hon-
                            or,  two  bridesmaids,  and two teen-age nieces as junior
                            bridesmaids.

                            But there's an issue:  My parents and two of my sisters in-
                            sist that I include my oldest sister, Iris,  in my bridal party
                            even though she is mentally ill (with schizophrenia).  She
                            is medicated but still speaks to her "voices."   I  love  her,
                            but I find it inappropriate to include her in my wedding.

                            My matron of honor is supportive  and agrees it would be
                            unwise.   However,  my remaining family is guilt-tripping
                            me because Iris missed out on two sisters' weddings when
                            in a psychiatric facility.  She lives with our retired parents
                            now and requires care and supervision.  Am  I  wrong  for
                            not wanting to risk including her on my big day?

                                                                                 Future Bride in Kentucky
Dear Bridey-Be:
                               Yes.


The sports:
                    A British soccer fan swapped a goalie's water bottle
                    for piss.

angelort.jpg Locked up in San Angelow (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Louis Castro, 33, riding bicycle on wrong side of road, defective headlights; Emery Martin, 27, burglary; Angelika Gonzales, 27, paraphernalia; Dominique Kennon, 22, assault; Richard Little, 27, ctrl. sub.; rrest of 'em bailed out or escaped before wecould ID them]
angelort.jpg Locked up in San Angelow (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Louis Castro, 33, riding bicycle on wrong side of road, defective headlights; Emery Martin, 27, burglary;
Angelika Gonzales, 27, paraphernalia; Dominique Kennon, 22, assault; Richard Little, 27, ctrl. sub.; rrest of 'em bailed out or escaped before wecould ID them]
DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News  Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Jay Leno.


lifewing.jpg Got any ideas for a band name? Life Saver Dude: The Swingles?
lifewing.jpg Got any ideas for a band name? Life Saver Dude: The Swingles?
 
HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:


      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor