May 28, 2023: Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
    loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:



King Charles fears he's being bugged (Globe); Due in November: Pregnant Meghan! Baby No. 3, It's why she skipped the coronation, Harry's wish has come true, Inside their hush-hush
preparations, Meghan's dad made peace offer (In Touch); Divorce & Yellowstone feud - the shocking untold story! Kevin Costner in crisis, begs wife to take him back, twisted obsessions,
shunned by Hollywood (Enquirer); Christine blew her top, Kevin's $250 million divorce. fights, payoffs & affairs, why wife left after 18 years, their seven kids take sides, chaos on Yellowstone set (Star)

Deep State conspiracy exposed, Proof that LBJ killed Kennedy, Secret Service agent breaks 30-year silence (Enquirer); Preludeto $3.7 billion divorce:
Trump trial separation, humiliated Melania moving out, taking son Barron to live in Europe (Globe); Stevie Nicks: Timeless rock goddess turns 75 (People)

LETTERS to the EDITOR:
Dianne Hopkins wrote Sat 5/20/23:
Response to J. Ewing's letter to the editor about her list of interesting
things she's done in her lifetime:  I can top that. Here are some of my
jobs, training, and experiences:  My first job, at age 13, was delivering
newspapers on horseback in a semi-rural area.  At 16 I worked a night
in a pizza parlor until I found out the owner wasn't paying and custom-
ers weren't tipping.  Then  it  was  (in no particular order) clerk/typist,
real estate photographer (with a 4.x 5 Speed Graphic),  chimp. and ele-
phant trainer and performer, zoo dietitian, first woman in charge of big
cat collection (lions, tigers, leopards, jaguars, cheetahs and tiglions.– I
loved telling people I worked in six cat houses), and first woman to back
up the Big Cat Act – the job of protecting the head trainer in case of mis-
behaving lions, trained cosmetician (ugh!), bartender, cocktail waitress,
food waitress, coordinating secretary at an ecumenical ministry where I
supervised the junky halfway house, helped organize an Appalachian
arts and crafts festival, disarmed an angry junky with a gun, and talked
down a drunk redneck with a baseball bat, typed church notices and cor-
respondence, and repaired the plumbing as needed, got drunk and smo-
ked pot with Bill Kunstler, attorney for the Chicago Seven, after 22 of
my radical associates were arrested for chanting "Fuck Nixon" at the
Billy Graham Crusade, where Nixon was campaigning for reelection
to prez that year a newspaper photographer crash-landed in a hot air
balloon), advertising design and sales pump jockey ("public relations
director" for the Sunshine State Horse Council (and credited with per-
sonally raising $25,000 for the Hurricane Andrew Horse Relief Effort,
donation fraud investigator. media liaison for the Disaster Animal Res-
cue Team ("DART"). panhandler in the Village in NYC, pro tem chair-
person of a Committee for Handicapped Access to Federally Funded
Buildings at the Capitol Arts Center, two photos accepted in the first ju-
ried arts exhibition at CAC, arts reporter, wrote and read arts news on ra-
dio, Art Guild member and exhibitor, focus of FBI investigation for anti-
war activities, my dog nominated for president of thé Student Government
Association at the University. of Tennessee Knoxville, player with the wax
paper kazoo band at the nominating convention. swam almost naked in the
reflecting pool of the Washington Monument (there were a few thousand of
us and I was too shy to take off my panties), rode on a mounted drill team
at Los Pasos (all women, all Paso Fino horses), performed at nursing homes
and cancer centers, rode in parades (team took third in state competition),
mapped and maintained horse trails with Triple B riding club, served com-
munities with Christmas caroling on horseback, actor, horse trainer, dog train-
er (amateur), electrician, cable television installer, assault victim, repeated vic-
tim of robberies, photographer's model (posed as Mrs. Santa Claus), sworn
peace officer, humane and animal control officer, avid gardener, degree in
photo retouching and restoration (pre-Photoshop), darkroom technician, color
photo processor and printer (Watercolor), ink and graphite artist. co chair of
county PAC for Kinky Friedman for Governor campaign, massage therapist,
camera sales, park ranger, ordained Buddhist Upasika PR planner and spokes-
person for humane society fund raisers, blogger for planned off-the-grid com-
munities for elderly and handicapped persons with pets, supporter of The Uni-
ted States Constitution and its amendments, mother of one son (deceased), vic-
tim of Texas injustice (prisoner ).  I have undoubtedly forgotten a few of my
roles in this lifetime.   Whatever.  It's not really important – just momentary a-
musement, I hope, for whoever reads this autobiography in a nutshell.  In case
you wonder, yes, I am the nut.  Or at this late date, maybe just the shell?  Peace,
happiness and love to all beings, wherever and whatever they may be.
Thank you for the longest sentence in Tabloid Headlines' history.
                                                                                                            – The Editor
Dumb news from Indiana:
Indianapolis' 500-Mile Race was run on  Decoration Day  from
its inception in 1911 until 1974,  when it was moved to the Sun-
day of the Memorial Day weekend.  Memorial Day was known
as Decoration Day from 1868 to 1971 and was observed on May
30 from 1868 to 1970, when it was moved to the last Monday in
May.  So this year's race will be held today, May 28.  Tomorrow,
May 29,  will be Memorial Day;  and Tuesday, May 30, will not
be a holiday.
                                                                       [courtesy Wikipedia]

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

Another horse died at Churchill Downs,  in Louisville,  and
a horse died at Pimlico, home of the Prickness.in Baltimore,
Maryland.
                                                                    [courtesy LEX18]

    
Lexington's most wanted: Jerree Dupree Hill, BM, 29, 6', 150 lbs, large tattoo on neck, felon with handgun (LEX18)

Quotation of the week
:

                                        "Trump has the charisma of a mortician, and the energy that
                                        makes Jeb Bush look like an Olympian."

                                                                                                                             – Donald Trump Jr.



Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Kenneth Adams, BM, 54, 6', 265 lbs, probation violation
(evidence tamper.);Aaliyah Turner, BF,54, 5'1", 125 lbs, probation violation (robbery); Lucas Kellison, WM, 46, 5'10", 266 lbs, bond forf.
(burglary); Ashley Jenkins, WF, 24, 5'1", 143 lbs, prob. viol. (ctld. substance); Frank Martinex, HM, 53, 5'4", 150 lbs, prob. viol. (family assault)

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):
"Ya gotta stop and smell the pussy!"
                                                           – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                    May 22:  Novak Djokovic, 36
                                   Tommy John, 80

                                   Ted Kaczynski, 81
                                   Arthur Conan Doyle 1850-1930)
                    May 23:  Jewel (Kilcher), 49
                                   Rosemary Clooney (1928-2002)
                    May 24:  Roseanne Cash, 68
                                   Priscilla Presley, 78
                                   Patti LaBelle, 79
                                   Gary Burghoff, 80
                                   Bob Dylan, 82
                                   Tommy Chong, 85
                    May 25:  Leslie Uggams, 80
                                   Miriam Johnson ("Jessi Colter"), 80
                                   Tom T. Hall (1936-2021)
                    May 26:  Hank Williams Jr., 74
                                   Stephanie "Stevie" Nicks, 75
                                   Marion Morrison ("John Wayne," 1907-1979)
                    May 27:  Marjorie Taylor Greene, 49
                                   Henry Kissinger, 100
                                   Priscilla White ("Cilla Black," 1943-2015)
                                   Ramsey Lewis (1935-2022)
                    May 28:  John Fogerty, 78
                                    Gladys Knight, 79
                                    Rudolph Giuliani, 79
                                    Carroll Baker, 92

 
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Tina Turner, 83
                                Cotton Nash, 80
                                Martin Amis, 73
                                Ray Stevenson, 58


Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:

                                                               9D  "Synonym for 'alters' that keeps its meaning if the
                                                                         first letter is changed to A"
                          Answer:  EMENDS                                                                [New Yorker, 5/11/23]


Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Michael Webber, WM, 41, 6', 155 lbs, burglary; José Cantu, HM, 19, 5'8",
142 lbs, firearm violation; William Johnta Nichols II, BM, 43, 5'10", 153 lbs, probation violation, aggrav. assault); Marion Stuard Morales Pellecer, HM,
49, 5'6", 175 lbs, tattoos arms and hands, prob. viol. (assault,opiates); Taylor Dee Shannon, WM, 30, 6'1", 155 lbs, probation violation (opiates)
Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
The  Vibe  on  line  has  rated as the 46 most overrated singers of all time
Katy Perry,  Ozzy Osbourne, Camilla Cabello, Axl Rose,  Britney Spears,
Dave Matthews,  Rihanna, Lou Reed, Avril Lavigne, Liam Gallagher, Se-
lena Gomez,  Adam Levine,  Janet Jackson,  Jon Bon Jovi,  Miley  Cyrus,
Bono,  Taylor Swift, Johnny Rotten, Lady Gaga, Kurt Cobain,  Madonna,
Chris Martin, Gwen Stefani, Bob Dylan, Beyonce, Ed Sheeran, Justin Bie-
ber,  Jennifer Lopez, Bret Michaels, Shania Twain, Kelly Clarkson, David
Lee Roth, Cher,  Eddie Vedder, Adele,.Billie Ellish, James Hetfield, Mich-
ael Jackson,  Gerard Way,  Bruce Springsteen,  Billy Joel,  Billie Joe Arm-
strong, Lemmy Kilmister, Dave Grohl and Patrick Stump.  We have to dis-
agree with the listings of Bob Dylan,  Cher,  Michael Jackson  and  Bruce
Springsteen, of course,  and also with the listing of Lou Reed. . . . A study
found that the old are more easily distracted than the young. . . . The Pope
took a cell phone call in the middle of his weekly audience. . . .  Belief  in
Heaven has fallen in Britain,  but belief in Hell is constant.

                                                                    [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]

Dear Eleanor:
                            I’m a 45-year-old woman  who has been dating
                            Ben for two years.  We've known each other for
                            more than 20. He treats me like a queen.

                            Prior to our dating he had a girl friend he used to
                            confide in me about.  I was very  jealous  of  her.
                            She knew we were friends and  made  a point of
                            posting lots of pictures of their  PDAs  on his so-
                            cial media, since we did not follow each other.

                              Fast-forward two years:  I cannot stop obsessing o-
                              ver her!  I think about her constantly  and compare
                              myself to her.  I stalk her social media page.

                              Ben has never given me a reason not to trust him; so
                              why am I still bothered by her?  She has  moved  on
                              and is in another relationship.

                            How can I move forward?  I don’t feel this way a-
                            bout his other exes,  but  this  one  gets under my
                            skin.  I don't want him to find out what I've been
                            doing. I really need help. Any advice?

                                                                                             Insecure
Dear Insie:
                        I think you need to take this up with Ben.  And the
                        other girl.


DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissec-
tion of important current events  are  invited to attend the
Weekly World News Round Table  at  the offices of Borf
Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, after church every
Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Molly Seavee-Nesper.




lifeseeal.jpg Life Saver Dude: Me, too, babe! I'm an oughter!


HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


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Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



May 21, 2023: Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
    loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:


No-show Meghan's

King Charless' coronation, everything you need to know (In Toouch Weekly);  No-show Meghan's disaster, why her marriage is in jeopardy (Enquirer); Caught in a lie? Meghan's blog about Kate exposed (Star);
Kate's bombshell, 'Why I can't forgive Meghan: Lies, betrayal,& breaking the Queen's heart', "Meghan cares only about her image - & money', why she really turned down coronation invite, Eugenie & Beatrice finally
take sides (Star); Insults! Tantrums! Tears! Queen Camilla & Kate coronation catfight, King's wife invites William's other woman (Globe); Everyone is heartbroken, What happened to Jamie Foxx? Shocking new
details, More than two weeks after his medical emergency, the Oscar-winner's family finally speaks out (in Touch); Lisa Marie Presley & Michael Jackson, Secrets from the grave, pregnancy bombshell rocks family,
Michael proposed by mistake, how he really got hooked on drugs (Star); Secret final days as tragic shut-in revealed, Jack Nicholson dementia nightmare, movie legend, 96, fading fast (Globe)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote 5/7/23 @ 12:11 EDT:
The Indiana Governor signed a bill to allow people to request a ban
on school library books they deem "offensive"  and to impose felon-
ies on school librarians for having such.     Do you have to live in In-
diana to recommend books to ban?  If so,  then I recommend every
"Mike Hunt" and "Ima Hog"  Google  random Indiana addresses to
submit   https://www.generatormix.com/random-address-in-indiana
while recommending the banning of at least these books?   Such  as
former Indiana Governor Mike Pence's So Help Me God  for using
the Lord's name in vain in order to sell his self-promoting book?

And  the Bible,  which reeks of content void of "serious literary, artis-
tic, political, or scientific value" for kids. The Skeptic's Annotated Bi-
ble on line offers a handy list of categories to use to find examples and
specific verses.

P.S.  You need to link Joe Nickell's web site 
and give him full credit
forcoming up with the idea of listing lifetime personas:
No, no; the Indiana example is not exclusive– Editor


Dusty Hopkins wrote 5/14/23:
A felony drug parolee said "Hi!"  to  another.  The other replied
"No, but thanks for asking." . . .

The parole officer greeted the drug offender, "Hi!"  The parolee
stammered, "Oh, no, ma'am!"

Dumb news from Indiana:

   

South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Criime Stoppers Inc.) Dominick Williams Jr., BM, 5'10", 210 lbs, murder; Calvin
Hoskin, BM, 5'7", 150 lbs, stalking; Nylam Bandy, AF, 5'1", 115 lbs, neglect of dependent; David Nance, BM, 5' 10:, coke
The opening  day of the Indianapolis 500 Mile Race warm-ups was rained out. . . .

         [courtesy Columbus Republic]

Jewel  will sing the  National Anth-
em
at this year's 500 Mile Race  in
Indianapolis.

                                                             [courtesy Indianapolis & Terre Haute Stars]
A 25-year-old Columbus attorney  recovered  from  a  traumatic brain
injury and depression seems to have established a success
ful personal
Iinjury practice.

                                                                              [Columbus Republic]

Dumb news from Kentucky:
A Pulaski County teacher was suspended after a student showed
up in a Ku Klux Klan costume in a history assignment. . . .

Three dry counties voted wet in last Tuesday's election. . . .

An eighth horse died at Churchill Downs in Louisville since the
Kentucky Derby warm-ups.
                                                                           [courtesy LEX18]


Martha Stewart, 81, made the cover of the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated




Quotations of the week:
                                            "I havnen't spoken to  my wife in years.  I don't want
                                              to interrupt her."
                                                                            - Rodney Dangerfield

Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"A cunt by any other name would be as dumb."
                                                                                      – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                    May 15:  Emmitt Smith, 54
                                   George Brett, 70
                                   Lainie Kazan, 83
                                   Hugh Nanton Romney Jr. ("Wavy Gravy"), 87
                                   K. T. Oslin (1942-2020)
                                   Trini[dad] Lopez (1937-2020)
                                   Madeleine Albright (1937-2022)
                 May 16:  Tucker Carlson, 53
                                 Olga Korbut, 68
                                 Liberace (1919-1987)
                  May 17:  Eithne Pádraigín Ní Bhraonáin (Enya Patricia Brennan, "Enya"), 62
                                  Charles "Sugar Ray" Leonard, 67
                                 
Henry Saint Clair Fredericks ("Taj Mahal"), 81
                                  Jesse Winchester (1944-2014)
                    May 18:  Elizabeth Stamatina ("Tina") Fey, 53
                                    Reggie Jackson, 77
                    May 19:  JoJo Siwa, 20
                                    Pete Townshend, 78
                                    Nancy Kwan, 84
                                    Nicole Brown Simpson (1959-1994)
                                    Malcolm Little ("X") (1925-1965)
                                    Pol Pot  (1925-1998)
                    May 20:  Cher, 77
                                    Jill "Hey, Paula!" Jackson, 81
                                    Joe Cocker (1944-2014)
                    May 21:  Lawrence "Mr. T" Tureaud, 71
                                    Al Franken, 72
                                    Jeffrey Dahmer (1960-1994)

Tabloid deadlines
:
                                Jim Brown, 87

Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted) Benito Rodriguez, HM, 46, 5'8", 150 lbs, probation violation (fam. assault, controlled substs.); Tricia Denise Pugh, BF, 42, 5'2", 115 lbs.,
burglary; Anfernee Henderson, BM, 22, 5'5", 145 lbs, probation violation (money laundering); Lauryn Weber, WF, 35, 5'3", 169 lbs (Yorkshire Hog), theft; Charles Lee Bragg, WM, 51, 6', 170 lbs, prob. viol. (theft); DUI
Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                              57A  "You’ll need to pull some strings
                                                                      to make it work
"
                 Answer:  MARIONETTE                                                  
[New Yorker, 4/19/23
]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
A line drive by a Philadelphia Phillies batter gave Colorado Rockies pit-
cher Ryan Feltner  a  skull  fracture  at a game in Denver. . . . Olympics
gold medal figure skater  Sarah Hughes  is running for Congress in New
York. .  .  .  National Treasure won the Prickness,  beating Mage and oth-
ers.
                                                                               
[courtesy Kinetic, AP]
Dear Eleanor:
                          I'll have been married for 22 years this September,
                          and we've been together for 26 years. But I discov-
                          ered
recently that for the last  three  years  my hus-
                          band has been talking to another woman in secret.
                          I found evidence in texting, voice mail and even a
                          recording showing that they were at a casino once.
                          My husband has sworn up and down there is noth-
                          ing with her;  he said he was attracted to her  for a
                          while  but nothing has happened.

                         He’s  always  puts me and my kids first  in life,  but
                         we do have a sex problem. He hasn’t slept with me
                         for years.  I mean, nothing. I heard two more voice
                         messages, and  there  was a selfie picture of her on
                         his phone.  Of course. he had an excuse for both.

                         So I put  GPS  in his car.  One night he told me he
                          was meeting with his friends, but the GPS showed
                          that he went to her house.  Once again, he swore
                          up and down that he did not see her.  He met a
                          male friend at her house, he said.

                         How am I supposed to believe that?   He's been go-
                         ing there for at least 10 or 20 minutes  every  night,
                         and this is after he promised me he would never go
                         there or even down that street again.   It's  lie  after
                         lie.  I don't trust him any-more.

                         He keeps telling me he loves me and that I'm the on-
                         ly one for him and he can’t be without me. But if we
                         are together and he touches me, I can't help but won-
                         der if he's done the same with her. The worst part of
                         the problem is that I still love him.   I can't live with-
                         out him.  What do I do?
                                                                                              Lost Girl
Dear Lostie:
                        The "h
e hasn’t slept with me for years"  is the key to
                        this case.   Sounds to me like you have a pretty good
                        marriage but for the sex.  Maybe you need a boy dog
                        to keep you happy  while your hubby is out catting a-
                        round.



Locked up in San Angelow (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Andrew Barnett, 29, robbery; Kimberly Richardson, 48, family assault; Edwin Flott, 50,
criminal trespass; Mary Sutton, 56, family assault; Irene Gonzalez, 38, joy riding; (bailed out or escaped before we could identify her); June Garcia, 40, miscellaneous
U.S. Marshal hold; Ted Deloria, 65, drug paraphernalia; Humberto Lucio-Martinez, 50, border; Adela Lopez,58, c.s., escepe; Savannah Gonzalez, 20, marijuana;
Minnie King, 29, joy ride; Melissa Honesto,52, evid. fabric; Vincent Aguilera, 37, public intox.; Veronica Morales, 24, ctld. substs.; Santiago Lopez, 39, c.s.

DISCUSSION GROUP:

    Don't  forget!  Readers interested in intellectual dissec-
tion of important current events are invited to attend the
Weekly World News Round Table at the offices  of  Borf
Books outside Brownsville, Kentucky, after church every
Sunday.  Guest speakers lined up for meetings in the near
future include Meghan McCarty Carino.



HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
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TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
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lifetunk.jpg Life Saver Dude: Save me a ride, Trunky!


"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



May 14, 2023: Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
    loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:



hed23052 Meghan snumbs Royals (In Touch); Threatens epic TV tell-all, Andrew threatens Charles, King's gay secrets, bribery & selling titles, ugly truth about Diana (Globe); Tragic breakdown on eve of coronation, King Charles' battle with mental ilness
exposed, talks to plants and dead uncle, fears he'll become a werewolf, can't sleep without favorite teddy bear (Enquirer); Caught in a lie? Meghan's blog about Kate exposed (Star); Bitter backlash over felony crime probes, Trump orders new civil war (Enquirer)

hed230522.jpg Elvis's daughter's own story can finally be told: Lisa Marie: My escape from Scientology, church destroyed marriage to Michael, terrible truth about Cruise and Travolta (Enquirer); New marriage drama: Faith Hill & Tim McGraw, fighting to make things work!
(Examiner); Imported and forced into sex slavery, Epstein sold child brides, blackmail videos discovered at last, perv's powerful pals running for cover, predator's banker accused of cover-up, Bill Clinton, Ghislaine Maxwell, Prince Andrew (Globe); High society snub: Kardashian
sisters off the A-list (Globe); Shirley Temple, the dark side of fame, nonstop work, staged birthday parties, armed guards and lecherous studio executives (Closer); Hollywood'srichest kids, who's sweet, who actually works, and who bosses their parents around (Star)
LETTERS to the EDITOR:
J. Ewing wrote Tues 5/9/23 @15:19 EDT:
Interesting "exercise" when you try to list all that you have
done and experienced in life,  roles you've played,  degrees
and licenses you've earned, titles/certifications you've held,
job/employment history/titles, etc.

I'm finding myself far more interesting than I ever imagined.
So far, some of my more interesting entries run the gamut of
KGB Target, Mixologist, Bouncer, Terrorist Threat, Photog-
rapher's Model,  Museum Artifact  Donator, Thief,  Aeroflot
Survivor, Mugging Victim and Ordained Minister.

Think of it as a highly inflated, lifetime CV.

Dumb news from Indiana
:
The Governor signed a bill to allow people to request a ban on
school library books they deem "offensive" and to impose
felonies on school librarians for having such.

                                                                     [courtesy Muncie Star]

South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers): Sean Stockinger, WM, 5'7", 125 lbs, handgun w/o license; Jason
Krassow, WM, 6'1",  135 lbs, narcotics, syringe; Trisha Flynn, WF, 5'3", 145 lbs, meth; Charles Frierson, BM, 5'7", 170 lbs, meth

Dumb news from Kentucky
:

A 15-year-old boy graduated high school in Covington with
a 4.48 grade-point average.
                                                                   [courtesy LEX18]

jannamar.jpg Busted in Bardstown (Nelson County Gazette): Larry Nicholas Lawson, 31,Owensboro, meth, paraphernalia; Lisa Rae Burden, 52, Shepherdsville, probation violation; Janna Maarie
Borders, 28, Bardstown, assault 4°; Bonny Sue Burgess, 40, Buffalo, probation violation; Judith Gail Downs, 60, Loretto, prob. viol.; Derrick Paul Hughes, 37, Bardstown, disorderly, probation viol.
Quotations of the week:
                                          "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it
                                            may need a little more time in the microwave."
                                                                                                                        – Lori Dowdy

        "I saw a sign at the water park that I thought would look good  in my bedroom;  so  I
          stole it and took it home with me and set it up in front of my bed.  It reads, 'Caution;
          you will get wet on this ride'."
                                                                 – Malachi Dean


Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I got pulled over for driving drunk. The cop said, ‘Your eyes look a
little glazed.  You  been  drinking?’  I said,  ‘Your hands look a little
glazed. You been eatin' donuts?’  Needless to say, he didn't like my
joke."

 
                                                                                     – Leonard Simon


Birthdays:
                    May 8:  Keith Jarrett, 77
                                 Toni Tenille, 83
                    May 9:  Billy Joel, 75
                                 Candice Bergen
, 78
                                 Tommy Roe, 82
                   May 10:  Paul David Hewson ("Bono"), 64
                                 
Donovan Leitch, 77
                                  Dave Mason, 77
                                  Maybelle Carter (1909-1978)
                   May 11:  Louis Farrakhan, 90
                                  Mort Sahl (1927-2021)
                   May 12:  Burt Bacharach, 95
                   May 13:  Lena Dunham, 37
                                  Darius Rucker, 57
                                 
Stevland Hardaway Judkins Morris ("Stevie Wonder"), 73
                                  Richie Valenzuela ("Valens") (1941-1959)
                   May 14:  Mark Zuckerberg, 39
                                  Cate Blanchett, 54
                                  George Lucas, 79
                                  Tony Perez, 81
                                   Bobby Darin (1936-1973)
Tabloid deadlines:
                                Mickey Gilley, 86
                                David Birney, 83


jorgeart.jpg Wanted in Wichita Falls (Texas, not Wichita, Kansas) (Texoma's most wanted): Jorge Arturo Delgado, HM, 33, 5'10", 178 lbs, burglary Dequana Manuel, BF, 52, 5'5", 120 lbs, abandoning a child;
Hugh Wesley Harris, WM, 6'3", 170 lbs, assault of police officer; Frances Lynn Burge, WF, 36, 5'5", 132 lbs, prob. viol. (burg.); Ujamaa Ballard, BM, 26, 5'8", 155 lbs, unlawful possession of a firearm

Crossword  puzzle clue of the week:
                                                                1A  "App clientele"
                            Answer:  USERS                                              [
New Yorker, 3/8/23]

Borf 's weekly BONUS:     
A Hilton Hotel manager in Nashville, Tennessee, was arrested for enter-
ing a guest’s room and sucking on his toes
. . . . The house of Brazil's ex-
president  Jair  Bolsonaro,  who had asserted that Covid-19 vaccinations
would turn Brazilians into  crocodiles,  was raided in an investigation of
forced  vaccine  cards  that may have helped him enter the United States.
.  .  .  The Centers for Disease Control announced that coronavirus drop-
ped to the  fourth  leading  cause  of  death in the United States,  behind
shootings.  .  .  .  A study found that 44 per cent of Americans could not
name a famous Asian-American (how 'bout Kamala Harris?). . . . A shop-
per in Edgewood, Texas, who pulled a knife on a grocery store clerk was
arrested for shoplifting even after she paid for what she got.  .  .  .  Susan
Sarandon
  and seven other persons were arrested in  Albany,  New York,
in a protest for higher waiter wages.  .  .  .  Olivia  and  Liam were the top
new baby names in 2022.  Noah and Emma came in second,  and  Oliver
and Charlotte completed the top three.
                                                                   [courtesy Harper's, LEX18, AP]


dreyawns.jpb Wanted in Wichita (Kansas, not Wichita Falls, Texas) (Sedgwick County Sheriff): Dreyawn Warren, BM, 29, 5' 9", 240 lbs, probation
violation (burglary); Taree Thompson-Johnson, BF, 21, 5'8", 186 lbs (Yorkshire hog), aggr. battery; Jerome Mullins, BM, 56, probation violation (forgery)
Dear Eleanor:
                            I miss you. 
                                                Rub-A-Dub
Dear Rubby:
                         I missed you, too; and I ran out of ammunition.


villegas.jpg Locked up in San Angelo (by the Tom Green County, Texas, Sheriff): Ashley Ambrose, 38, marijuana; Keith Roberts, 61, ch. sex ab.; Destiny Holdridge,
27, mj; Julio Villegas-Corona, 41, DUI; Christy Jackson, 41, c.s.;Cody Weathers, 41, DUI; Debrra Garcia, 65, injury to ch., elderly; bad check, bail jumping
DISCUSSION GROUP:

        Don't  forget!    Readers interested in intellectual dissection of
important current events are invited to   attend   the  Weekly  World
News Round  Table  at the offices of Borf Books  outside  Browns-
ville,  Kentucky,  just after church every Sunday.    Guest   speakers
lined up for meetings in the near future include Linda Yaccarino.



lifepose.jpg Life Saver Dude: Hubba, fuckin' hubba!

HOW TO UNSUBSCRIBE:

      Remember, if you don't want to receive any more of this inane crap,
just hit your "Reply" button and type in the subject line, "GET THESE
TABLOID HEADLINES OUT OF MY LIFE AND FUCK OFF!"

      But  remember  also,  you  have  to  spell and punctuate the message
exactly as it appears above €“ without quotation marks,  and  without  that
redundant  "Re: "  that  appears in so many subject lines  or  you'll  keep
getting  this  shit!  ("Cut and paste"  won't  work,  either.  We have a spe-
cial filter to detect that.)



"Your worst humiliation is only someone else's momentary entertainment" – €“Karen Crockett


Previous issue

Next issue

Archives index
Borf Books       borf@borfents.com           Ideas for a Better America
Box 413                                                   The Columbus Book of Euchre
Brownsville KY 42210     War Stories:  The Memoirs of a Country Lawyer

  270-597-2187   Hank T. Hebhoe, publisher   Natty Bumppo, writer/editor



May 7, 2023:  Things you would never know if you did not browse the tab-
    loids while waiting for your wife at the counter in the supermarket – this
    week's headlines
:

hed23057.jpg Meghan snubs the royals (In Touch Weekly);
          Bitter backlash over felony crime probes, Trump orders new
          civil war!, Chilling directives to his private army, why blood
          will stain America's streets (Naational Enquirer); Imported
          and sold into sex slavery, Epstein sold child brides (Globe);
          New marriage drama, Faith Hill & Tim McGraw: Fighting to
          maked it work! (Examiner); Joe Alwyn, Taylor Swift secret
          wedding revealed (EnquirerR
hed230507.jpg Meghan snubs the royals (In Touch); Bitter
backlash over felony crime probes, Trump orders new civil
war, chilling directive to his private army, why blood will
stain America's streets (Enquirer); Imported and sold into
sex slavery, Epstein sold child brides (Globe); New marriage
drama, Faith Hill & Tim McGraw: Fighting to make it work!
(Examiner); Joe Alwyn, Taylor Swift secret wedding revealed

hed2305072.jpg Lisa Marie & Michael Jackson secrets from the
grave, pregnancy bombshell rocks Presleys, Debbie Rowe's show-
down with Lisa Marie, how Michael really got hooked on drugs
A Tabloid Headlines EDITORIAL:
Putting one little word after another, and, when, how
and why did "printer's ink" become "toner"?

Dumb news from Indiana
:
The U.S. Supreme Court declined to review an Indiana law re-
quiring burial or cremation of aborted fetal remains.

                                      [courtesy Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette]


South Bend's most wanted (Michiana Crime Stoppers Inc.) John Jenkins,
WM, 5'8", 135 lbs, theft, St. Joseph Marshall & Elkhart counties; Jessica
Stevens, WF, 5'7", 150 lbs, auto theft; Jose Torres, HM, 5'5", 200 lbs, meth
Dumb news from Kentucky:
The stench of death hung over yesterday's 149th Kentucky Der-
by, won by Mage (Two Phils placed, Angel of Empires showed). . . .

Three hundred five children were found working at 62 McDon-
ald's
in Kentucky, Indiana, Ohio and Maryland,  including  two
10-year-olds working without pay.

                                                                          [courtesy LEX18]

Lexington's most wanted, Brianna Carpenter, BF, 29,
                5'5", 150 lbs, robbery (Bluegrass Crime Stoppers)                                                          Lexington's most wanted
Brianna Carpenter, BF, 29,
29, 5'5", 150 lbs, robbery
Bluegrass Crime Stoppers
Quotations of the week:
                                          "No, no,
all that's BS!"
                                                                                   – Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis

        "It looks like a mermaid with two silicone breasts and . . . a huge arse never before seen
          on a mermaid."
                                       
Tiziana Schiavarelli



Quotations of the Wheat (Simon said):

"I find it appropriate that when pronounced literally, ‘Phuket’ is in ‘Thailand’."
                                                                                    – Leonard Simon
Birthdays:
                   May 1:  Tim McGraw, 55
                                Rita Coolidge, 78
                                Judy Collins, 84
                   May 2
David Beckham, 48
                                Pandora Boxx, 51
                               
Bianca Jagger, 78
                                Arnold George Dorsey ("Engelbert Humperdinck"), 87
                                Lesley Gore (1946-2015)
                   May 3:  Mary Hopkin, 73
                                Greg Gumbel, 77
                                Frankie Valli, 89
                                Jane Morgan, 99
                                Ron Popeil (1935-2021)
                                James Brown (1933-2006)
                                Sugar Ray Robinson (1921-1989)
                                Pete Seeger (1919-2014)
                   May 4:  
Randy Travis, 64
                                Stella Parton, 74
                                George Will, 82
                                Audrey Hepburn (1929-1993)
                  May 5:  Adele [ . . . Laurie Blue Adkins], 35
                                Tammy Wynette (1942-1998)
                  May 6:  George Clooney, 62
                                Bob Seger, 78
                                Willie Mays, 92
                                 Sigmund Freud (1856-1939)
                  May 7: