Are You Ready to Have Children?

Mess Test: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

Toy Test: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

Grocery Store Test: Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

Dressing Test: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all arms stay inside.

Feeding Test: Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

Night Test: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 PM begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00 PM. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00 PM. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 AM. Set alarm for 5:00 AM. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

Physical Test (Women): Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

Physical Test (Men): Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

Final Assignment: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

You Know You're A Mother When...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake
to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

Your kid throws up and you catch it.

You consider finger paints to be a controlled substance.

You've mastered the art of placing large quantities of
pancakes and eggs on a plate without anything touching.

You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons;
your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable,
since it's the only one your child eats.

You can't bear the thought of your son's first girlfriend.
You hate the thought of his wife even more.

You hear your mother's voice coming out of your mouth.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job",
but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything.

~~~~~~

Kids in the back seat cause accidents;
Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

The only time
the world beats a path to your door
is if you're in the bathroom.

~~~~~~

Resigning From Adulthood!

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.

I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8 year old again.

I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four-star restaurant.

I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.

I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.

I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer's day.

I want to return to a time when life was simple. When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care. All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should make you worried or upset.

I want to think the world is fair. That everyone is honest and good.

I want to believe that anything is possible.

I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life and be overly excited by the little things again.

I want to live simple again. I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness, and loss of loved ones.

I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.

So....here's my checkbook and my car-keys, my credit card bills and my 401K statements.

I am officially resigning from adulthood. And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, because............."Tag! You're it!"

My Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my sanity to keep.
For if some peace I do not find,
I'm pretty sure I'll lose my mind.

I pray I find a little quiet
Far from the daily family riot

May I lie back-not have to think
about what they're stuffing down the sink,
or who they're with,
or where they're at
and what they're doing to the cat.

I pray for time all to myself
(did something just fall off a shelf?)
To cuddle in my nice, soft bed
(Oh no, another goldfish-dead!)

Some silent moments for goodness sake
(Did I just hear a window break?)
And that I need not cook or clean-
(well heck, I've got the right to dream)

Yes now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray my wits about me keep,
But as I look around I know-
I must have lost them long ago

Stages of Motherhood

4 YEARS OF AGE: My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEARS OF AGE: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE: My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE: Naturally, Mother doesn't know that either.
16 YEARS OF AGE: Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE: That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEARS OF AGE: Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE: Wish I could talk it over with Mom once more.

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Reflections Of A Mother

I gave you life, but cannot live it for you.

I can teach you things,
but I cannot make you learn.

I can give you directions,
but I cannot be there to lead you.

I can allow you freedom, but I cannot account for it.

I can take you to church,
but I cannot make you believe.

I can teach you right from wrong,
but I cannot always decide for you.

I can buy you beautiful clothes,
but I cannot make you beautiful inside.

I can offer you advice,
but I cannot accept it for you.

I can give you love,
but I cannot force it upon you.

I can teach you to share,
but I cannot make you unselfish.

I can teach you respect,
but I cannot force you to show honor.

I can advise you about friends,
but cannot choose them for you.

I can advise you about sex,
but I cannot keep you pure.

I can tell you the facts of life,
but I can't build your reputation.

I can tell you about drinking,
but I can't say "no" for you.

I can warn you about drugs
but I can't prevent you from using them.

I can tell you about lofty goals,
but I can't achieve them for you.

I can teach you about kindness,
but I can't force you to be gracious.

I can warn you about sins,
but I cannot make you moral.

I can love you as a child,
but I cannot place you in God's family.

I can pray for you,
but I cannot make you walk with God.

I can tell you how to live,
but I cannot give you eternal life.

I can love you with unconditional love all of my life
. . . and I will!

You do know what would have happened if it had been
three wise WOMEN instead of men, don't you?

They would have asked for directions,
arrived on time, helped deliver the baby,
cleaned the stable,
made a casserole
and brought disposable diapers as gifts!