This is where YOU should begin a daily diary of your day, whether good or bad, once you create a diary of your feelings you will notice alot about the LTC, the residents, the co workers, your own self worth and what may lie in the feelings of others you work with.
This page, used to be for the diary of others but unfortunately, I'll be going to a school for Nursing Assistant and just won't have the time to keep up with it once I return to work.
Building your own diary, is how I began this website. I put my daily feelings on line and turned it into something useful I hope for other CNA's to use. Maybe someday, a CNA will have time to take over for other CNA's and put a diary up for them. Until then, go and get a small diary and begin a new day of writing feelings.

What happened today that made you happy, sad, grateful...There are too many words to include but your DIARY is important.

I am a home health aid with a very large hospice. Today was far from a typical day in the life of an hha. I have a patient that I have been seeing for three years. Since your prognosis is supposed to be six months or less to be on hospice this is highly unusuall. She is now declining and expected to die any day or perhaps hour. Over the past three years we have become very close as you can imagine. We have shared coffee every morning along with secrets and laughs.

In the three years I have been seeing her I have never seen her in bed until three days ago. Now she has reached a point where she can not even speak but she still knows who I am. When I sat on her bedside today she grabbed my hand and would not let go. I sat there and held her hand with tears in my eyes until she went back to sleep. Out of all the people I have taken care of in my five years with hospice this has to be the most difficult good-bye I have ever experienced. It took me over a year to break the ice with her and get her to trust me. Once that was done she became my best friend. She expected me to come in every day and have coffee with her and share the activities of my evening with my childeren.

She never spoke of death or dying until about a month ago and I knew then that it probably would not be long. I know when a patient comes on service they are going to die and I should not get so close but can anyone be with a person five days a week and not get attached.

Shari thanks for this outlet it really helps. I have not been able to find any support for hha's or cna's so your sight is a blessing. have you thought about being added to the hospice hands web ring. It would be a blessing to the hha's that have been going through the same things I have. I emailed James Nash about a month ago asking for some links for hha's and he said he had not been able to locate any and if I did to let him know. I think this could bring more people here and be helpful for those of us who feel like we have been forgotten about.

Sincerly, Cindy

**update on this patient**
I wanted to update everyone on the patient I wrote about. I saw her yesterday and she was in a great deal of pain and thrashing. I attempted to console her but it is very difficult because she is also deaf. She was calling for her daughter who we called Monday but insisted she could not get here until Sunday. The daughter said she had to take her daughter to school (her daughter is in college). All along she has done nothing but hurt her Mother. My patient and my friend died last night without her daughter. She died calling for her. I really do not understand what could possibly be more important than seeing your mother one last time.

My name is Elizabeth and I am currently enrolled in a CNA training program in a nursing home. I had the greatest gift I could have recieved a little over a year ago. The chance to stay home and care for my mother.

Mom had M.S. and experienced severe mucsle spasms throughout her body on a monthly basis. Then on a weekly basis and so on. This was the greatest time of my life. We talked about everything that she expected of me for her care during the good days and the difficult ones.

I became her voice when she was unable to communicate and I never imagined the troubles I would encounter. "MANAGED CARE" what a joke.
Managed money is all they cared about.
I fought the same battle every time to the point where the refused to take my calls . "There's nothing we can do." Mom felt abandoned by everyone but the family. She became my best friend and we enjoyed everyday that we could.

Everything had a happy point and we found it. I cared for her completely and with no training or support of her medical provider. I begged for everything. I screamed for everything and eventually got what she needed. What a waste of time.

Mom passed away on April 24, 1997 at home in her office where I set up her bed so Daddy wouldn't have to live with the memory of Mom's passing in his bed. My support came in the middle of the night after begging for help on the phone to her Home Health Evaluator. For $50.00 and hour a nurse would be sent out sometime. Mom had a resperation of 5! She is dying and I don't know what to do, I cried.

Then they sent HOSPICE to me. My prayers had been answered. They took care of everything for me. Bed, meds, catheter, baths and strong shoulders. Mom lasted a week in this terrible state. I like to believe she was letting us get things arranged and to say goodbye to her in our own way. I miss her so much. But I decided that is what I want to do.

So I hope that after I pass I can join hospice and make the differance for someone. My second day on the floor my patient passed on and I was so greatful that I could be there for him and hold his hand and tell him it was ok to go. What a sense of peace in that room..

Wish me luck!
Elizabeth Breault

Click here, to go to page 2 of the Diaries

e-mail to Shari