[NM] by Metal 70's on 6/19/98 at 11:09:59 AM
Great stories, NGN...now you *know* we're all expecting Parts 3, 4,
etc, right??? :) [NM] by Bonkers on 6/19/98 at 5:57:54 PM
The History of Cafe Dartre, Part Three
The Roaring Twenties
The 1920's was the time of flappers, speakeasies, radio was in its
infancy, and the first Car Talk broadcasts came crackling over the
airwaves. In these early days the program consisted chiefly of
brothers Clovis and Clyde Tappet cackling inanely at each other.
Perhaps it was due to the novelty of the new medium, but the show was
extremely successful despite the few car questions actually
answered.
Going back into the Cafe Dartre archives recalls some long forgotten
characters. Cafe Dartre's own comedienne, Sue Baroo, was in her
heyday. Miss Baroo, whose wise cracking "Dusenberg Laura" character
became wildly popular, suddenly vanished from Cafe Dartre after
landing a movie contract at the Mack Sennett studios. Tragically, her
career was cut short when, during the filming of a pie fight scene,
Fatty Arbuckle slipped on some custard and crushed her to death.
Also making news at this time was the famous monkey trial. Cafe
Dartre's simian member, Skimpy the ape, was hauled into court for
throwing cocoanuts on prospective posters from the tree high above
the bulletin board. His lawyer, the persuasive Guinevere Darrow,
managed to convince the jury that it was "cocoanut season" in Harvard
Square and "those cocoanuts could have just fallen by themselves out
of that oak tree." Skimpy was acquitted of the charge of throwing
cocoanuts but was, however, convicted on two counts of being in a
tree. He was sentenced to 25 years to life in a federal penitentiary.
The 1920's was also a time of bath tub gin, tommy guns and
unrestrained lawlessness. No gangster was more feared than the
notorious "bb eyes". bb eyes, whose real name was Robert Rogers, was
a follower of Anarchist thought and explained his actions this way,
"Kropotkin taught that property is theft. Therefore, by taking
everyone else's property, I am merely stopping them from stealing
from me. So stick ‘em up!" Rogers was known to walk with an
exaggerated limp, acquired in a dispute over a chess game with his
henchman, Willie The Cyclist. In the opening move of the game, Rogers
moved his pawn forward six squares to capture Willie's queen. Enraged
at such blatant cheating, Willie pummeled Rogers severely about his
pelvic region with his tire pump. At this point, surprisingly, Skimpy
the ape reappears on the scene. Skimpy affected an easy escape from
prison after wheedling his way into becoming a trustee, gaining a
position working for the warden's brother who was an organ grinder.
Following his escape, Skimpy sensed some big money could be made from
Rogers' misfortune. Pretending to be a doctor, Skimpy approached
Rogers about correcting his limp by surgically installing a new hip
for a large fee. The hip Bob Rogers would receive was an artificial
one made of bakelite. Unfortunately, Skimpy, being an ape, practiced
poor hygiene and performed the operation with filthy hands. The
operation was a complete failure with Rogers' pelvis becoming
painfully infected. Rogers is believed to have gotten his revenge
when, three months later, Skimpy's lifeless body was dredged from the
bottom of the river suspiciously weighed down by 200 pounds of
concrete bananas.
And so, Skimpy's untimely demise as a result of his unsanitary
habits proved, once again, that grime doesn't pay.¹
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The History Of Cafe Dartre: Part 3 - The Roaring '20s by N. G. Neer
(going to the well one more time) on 6/21/98 at 11:13:52 PM
*********************************************
doop-do-be-do. You rascal. [NM] by whoops on 6/22/98 at 12:31:07 AM
NGN, you are a wonder!! I'll never let a monkey do his business on me
again... [NM] by The (infected) Hip Bob Rogers on 6/22/98 at 8:15:45
AM
Even a monkey like Skippy has a right to a vigorous defense! [NM] by
Guinevere Darrow, for the Defense your honor. on 6/22/98 at 10:18:10
AM
Go, N.G. Neer, Go! by Doc Brown on 6/22/98 at 11:16:42 AM
You left out the Soviet takeover of Georgia! [NM] by Not Ar on
6/22/98 at 12:25:15 PM
¹Paragraphing by LVG.
The History of Cafe Dartre, Part Four
The 1940's
The following message was posted by N. G. Neer on Sunday, June 28th
at 10:55:26 PM
The 1940's began with Axis powers on the move across Europe, North
Africa and Asia. Japan attacked Pearl Harbor and the United States
joined the fray. The War Department issued a directive to the hosts
of Car Talk, Cliff and Clint Tappet, that, for the war's duration, in
the interest of national efficiency, they provide good car advice to
their American audience instead of their usual, highly suspect
answers.
Following the famous "day of infamy" on December 7, 1941, Cafe Dartre
went to war with many of its members in prominent roles. The Cafe
Dartre naval fleet was commanded by Admiral "Snail" Gate who earned
his nickname from his oft cited motto, "slow and steady". Admiral
Gate followed this dictum to an extreme in the war. His fleet set
sail on Christmas Day, 1941, flags flying defiantly as he steamed out
of Boston Harbor at 0.001 knots. He headed down the coast maintaining
this speed and arrived at nearby Newport, Rhode Island more than 3 ½
years later, just in time for V-J day celebrations.
The airship fleet was commanded by none other than legendary Colonel
"Lugnut" Akron. Col. Akron believed that hydrogen was far too
hazardous for his airships and helium was too scarce and expensive,
so he filled up his fleet of blimps with ordinary air from the local
gas station. His fleet, although unable to fly or provide any sort of
defense, was, nonetheless, a source of pride and comfort as the large
airships trundled through the streets of Harvard Square. The
resulting broken shop windows and damaged street lamps were a small
price to pay for this important morale boost.
On the home front, many Cafe Dartre women pitched in as the men
bravely marched off to battle. Mae Ree could often be seen tending
her victory garden, weeding it with a curious weed whacker of her own
design. "Grandma" Lee took on the assignment of air raid warden and
passed out all the latest daily war information, including whether
"Snail" Gate's fleet had cleared the docks yet. Down along the
wharves was found a woman known only as Mrs. Tuggie. Due to her
recognizable speech patterns, many Cafe Dartre residents thought she
was the daughter of Jay who had haunted Cafe Dartre more than 40
years earlier, though Mrs. Tuggie always denied this. Mrs. Tuggie had
been known to frequent waterfront bars and taverns, peppering sailors
with mathematical puzzlers. Eventually banished from these
establishments, Mrs. Tuggie took charge of the lighthouse. She
claimed that being a lighthouse keeper was exciting work; she would
get herself all wound up going up the spiral staircase, but then she
would unwind coming back down. Mrs. Tuggie threw herself into her
work, keeping the lighthouse blazing day and night for the remainder
of the war to provide a beacon for the men at sea. However, air raid
warden Lee insisted on maintaining a complete blackout and draped a
large black tarpaulin over the entire lighthouse, making Mrs.
Tuggie's efforts entirely pointless.
On the lighter side, the 1940's was also the big band era and no band
was more popular than Cougar Tom and the Hep Cats. The ensemble
delighted audiences with its unusual blend of saxophone, bassoon,
accordion, triangle, harp and slide whistle. Cougar Tom was a pioneer
of what became known as the "Carolina sound". His many hit records
included Holly From Raleigh, Myrtle Beach Blues, and the smash that
became his theme song, Nothing Could Be Finer Than To Be In
Spartanburg. Cougar Tom was a perfectionist and would never play in
buildings near the ventilation ducts because he felt that dust and
grit would be blown into his saxophone, dirtying it and ruining its
timbre. So Cougar Tom would always stay upwind because (get ready,
here it comes) the brass is always cleaner on the other side of the
vents.
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The History Of Cafe Dartre: Part 4 - The 1940's by N. G. Neer on
6/28/98 at 10:55:26 PM
Yippeee! Wonderful! These get better & better. ROTFLOL! Thanks much,
NGNeer [NM] by Air Raid Warden Lee on 6/28/98 at 11:22:33 PM
Who thinks N.G.Neer has way too much time on his hands?.... by
R.Brown on 6/28/98 at 11:39:56 PM
EXCELLENT! Thanks, NGN. [NM] by Bug Z., former bassoonist with the
Hep Cats on 6/29/98 at 6:16:43 AM
What a hoot!!! ROTFLMAO. N.G. Neer, you are a riot- and very
creative. [NM] by Mary (daughter of Mae Ree) on 6/29/98 at 8:13:24 AM
If we had had Viagra back then... by Col. Akron on 6/29/98 at
11:06:57 AM
Dynamite stuff, N.G Neer. by Doc Brown on 6/29/98 at 11:17:26 AM
Right ARWL... And Longer And Longer And Longer...(great stuff) [NM]
by RAYmond ThOMas Hathaway on 6/29/98 at 1:23:04 PM
The History of Cafe Dartre, Part Five
World War II ended with the Allies victorious, but the celebration
was short lived. An “iron curtain”, as Winston Churchill called it,
descended to separate the free West from the totalitarian East. Much
of what happened next in Cafe Dartre was influenced by this event.
The current hosts of Car Talk, Click and Clack, took over the helm of
the long running radio program. However, they soon split up to help
out Uncle Sam. Click went to work for Radio Free Europe doing a call-
in auto repair show to assist East Block residents in fixing their
Zils and Trabants. Clack, meanwhile, continued at Harvard Square, but
changed the format of the program to all music. He became a disc
jockey, spinning Rhythm and Blues records, some early Rock and Roll
platters and called himself Wolfman Clack. The brothers’ separation
was short lived when it was discovered that only 24 people in the
East owned cars and none of them had a telephone. Faced with abundant
dead air time as the studio telephone remained silent, Click was
forced to abandon his overseas broadcasts and rejoin his brother to
continue the Car Talk program.
The famous Cafe Dartre spy trial occurred around this time. After the
war, it became apparent that the Soviets were building an enormous,
ponderous, unwieldy and extremely inefficient government. Of course,
it was immediately suspected that someone had been passing them
secrets on how the United States runs its government. There was deep
concern that the Soviets might acquire plans for the Alum Bomb. The
Alum Bomb was America’s most fearsome weapon of the time, consisting
of a large aerosol container loaded with alum. Once dropped, the bomb
would spray the powerful astringent over a wide area, causing
everyone in the area to pucker their mouths. Rendered unable to talk,
the affected populace would not be able to signal for help as
American tanks roll in. As alarm over possible espionage spread, Cafe
Dartre resident Mrs. RoZ fell under intense scrutiny as a result of
her government job. In the hysteria of the time, she and her husband
were arrested and indicted for conspiring to spy for the Soviets.
They were treated harshly, forced to watch an entire Ma and Pa Kettle
film festival in attempt to get them to confess. They continued to
maintain their innocence right through the trial, which was brief.
The pair were acquitted when the defense pointed out that Mrs. RoZ
was an archivist who only had access to Civil War records and, at
worst, could have only given away the secrets to 1860 Gatling gun
technology.
In the postwar period, the CDAAC (Cafe Dartre Annoying Activities
Committee) came into being, bringing posters before the panel and
asking the question, “Are you now, or have you ever been, an
objectivist?” The CDAAC was formed as a result of a severe shortage
of capital letters when Cafe Dartre was visited by a series of
objectivists. The objectivists would often capitalize entire words,
thereby depleting the supply to critical levels. The government was
called to action and the president authorized the Cafe Dartre
Airlift. Stockpiles of capital letters were taken from the Library of
Congress, loaded into cargo planes and dropped onto Cafe Dartre.
Relieved that the crisis was over, Cafe Dartre residents soon took
revenge on the objectivists by hammering them with capital T’s and
rolling over them with capital O’s. The objectivists scattered and
fled after having been treated to a unique form of capital punishment.
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