Here is the final page of the Third Chapter. Enjoy!


Finally, with only fifteen minutes until class began, I got into my car. My hands gripped the steering wheel. I even had to pull over once because of the anxiety. "what is the matter with you?" I scolded myself. "You can do this." I waited until I was calm enough and continued on my way. When I arrived at the campus grounds I felt a little better. I had known quite a few of the students for years; I had nothing to worry about. They were my friends. Even though I kept telling myself this and remained calm on the outside, I could feel just how scared I actually was. Luckily I did not see anyone I knew until after my first class. My writing class had gone on pretty well. The only two girls who I had known personally had finished last semester so I did not have to worry about dealing with all the questions that I knew most people would be asking me. Like, 'how are you really doing?' and 'if you ever need to talk, you know I'll be there.' I wanted people to be there but I didn't want the sympathetic stares. It only helped to arouse the pain instead of helping me to dismiss it. A couple of people, who had been in my writing class previously and had had to take the class again because of a failing grade, glanced at me every so often. I could feel their eyes on me, filled with curiousity and sadness. When I tried to look at them and give them a smile to let them know that everything was alright, they would quickly turn away. That hurt. I wasn't a freak on display; I was still a human being. It had been almost five months since the death, if I could deal with it then so could they. Besides, it wasn't as if they really knew me or Andrew. So what was there problem? After class I decided to get a coffee and go out to the back where hardly anyone else went. I just wanted to be by myself so that I could figure a few things out. I had one more class in an hour and then I could go home. I wasn't sure if I could last that long. Sure the writing class had gone better than I thought, but for some reason because of all the stares, I suppose, I felt as though I didn't belong. I wasn't like them and in a way I wouldn't have been if Andrew hadn't died. I would be a married woman now. Planning on a home and kids and a future for my family. It's very strange how things turn out. Not what you expect at all. Not even in your wildest dreams or worst nightmares. I heard some footsteps behind me and I quickly turned to see Karen O'reily behind me. She looked wonderful and I felt a part of me feel a mixture of bitterness and sadness. She looked as though she didn't have a care in the world. She was in between boyfriends and had told me a few months ago that she wasn't thinking about settling down for a long time. Her golden brown hair, which was flowing freely down her back, looked rich and thick and so healthy. Her large brown eyes still held that sparkle I remembered so well. She had always been one of the girls that had a good time no matter where she went. She reminded me of Julie a little bit. They were similar. My heart pounded loudly, making my head hurt. I hadn't spoken to Julie since the funeral. I felt terrible. She was my best friend and I was shutting her out. I made a decision to call her as soon as I got home. "Kris. I've been looking for you all morning. Anne Lloyd said she had seen you leave the building from the doors in the C building but you weren't there. I've been so anxious to see you. I've missed you," she replied softly as she sat down beside me, tucking her long skirt under her knees. I looked over at her, feeling terrible. I should never have shut my friends out like that. What kind of person was I? I must have made them feel awful. I know that if I had been in that situation I would feel so guilty for no good reason except that I could not help them. I suppose that was how they felt as well. Her eyes had lost a little of their sparkle as they filled with tears. This surprised me. Karen hadn't cried since she was eight and had fallen off her bike so hard she had skinned both her knees very badly. Not even when she had lost her first love. "I'll find someone else," she had replied breezingly and good naturedly. "Let's go out and find some fun." "Oh Karen." I didn't know what to say because there was too much to apologize for. I put my arms around her. She hugged me back, tightly. "I've missed you, Kris. So much. I thought we were pretty good friends. Practically best friends." "We were and are. I just - I didn't feel as though anyone mattered after Andrews death. Not even myself. All I wanted to do was climb into a deep hole and never come out. To tell you the truth I am not even sure why I couldn't talk to any of you about anything I was feeling. I guess it was because I didn't want you to see just how miserable I was. I also didn't want you guys to help me. I wanted to stay miserable. It made me feel safer, somehow." It was hard to describe to her because I couldn't even really describe it myself. At the time it had seemed to make sense but now it didn't make much sense at all. It was too confusing. But then in a way it wasn't confusing. Everyone should have understood exactly what was going on with me. They knew me well enough. However, none of my close friends had ever lost someone very close to them like that, so I suppose they couldn't really understand unless they themselves had dealt with something similar. "I'm so sorry you felt that way, Kris. Really I am. It was a lousy thing that happened. And it shouldn't have happened. You and Andrew were the happiest couple I knew. Even happier then Lisa and Michael which to most people would seem impossible," she gave a tiny smile. "It's sad and I wish you could have talked to me about it. I felt just terrible about the whole thing. I couldn't understand if you were just upset about his death or if you were angry at us all. I honestly didn't know what to think. For awhile all I wanted to do was march on over to your house, stomp up the stairs, drag you by the hair and slap you around a bit." She laughed, and I joined her, although shakily. Her expression had been one of seriousness and good humour and it reminded me of the days before when we were all together. "It might have helped actually," I told her truthfully. "You know something though, Karen. Things are finally starting to make sense and I've decided to go on with my life. If I didn't, I wouldn't be here. I have a lot of living to do and I am going to make some serious changes. For starters you and I are going to get something to eat and talk. I think we both need a good long talk." I glanced at my watch. "I have about fifty minutes until my next class. When is yours?" I looked up at her with hopeful eyes. When I had first tried to go to school I had been a nervous wreck. I did not want to have to talk with any of my friends until I was ready. And, I hadn't been ready that morning. Now, I was glad she had found me. It was friends I needed right now. "About the same. Let's go. I think this will help and I am glad to get my friend back again. Like I said, I've missed you." She started walking towards her car when she suddenly looked back at me with a thoughtful expression on her face. "By the way, Kristin. You don't look so hot. Maybe you need something to help wake you up a bit..like, oh... let's say-" she paused. "sunshine." She laughed cheerfully and I joined in. It felt good to be laughing like this and to be with my friend again. I hadn't felt this free in a long time and it felt right. When it was time to go back to class I felt like nothing had ever changed between us. I had almost forgotten about Andrew and the wedding and everything else that had happened. It also helped that neither one of us discussed it that afternoon. I could tell that Karen figured we had plenty of time for that and why waste our afternoon drumming up the past and taking a chance on upseting me again when I was feeling almost happy again. I really respected her for that. We made plans to meet that weekend and for the rest of the day I was at school, all I could think about was the weekend. It was like being reborn. I felt energy I had forgotten even existed. When I glanced in the mirror I noticed how pink my cheeks were and how my eyes seemed to have filled with life again. I almost looked like my old self once more when I had never thought that could ever happen. I decided to give Julie a call again. It had been so long and I knew it was time. I could not lose her friendship. Not after the conversation Karen and I had had. Karen had said some things that had made me feel guilty about the way I had acted. Don't get me wrong, she said some things that made me feel happy and relieved as well but the guiltiness was still there whenever I thought about Julie. I felt my nervousness come back slightly as I waited for someone to pick up on the other end. I don't remember ever feeling this way when it came to calling Julie. Before, calling Julie had just been a natural instinct. I was worried she would hate me or even hang up on me. I felt scared about how she may react. I kept trying to reassure myself that this was Julie. My best friend. She could never ever hate me. "Hello," I reconized her voice right away. Calm, cool, smooth. "Julie? It's me, Kristin." I could hear the waver in my words. "Kristin!? Oh my god!" Julie cried then started to sob happily. "I've been so worried about you. I'm so glad you called." I sighed, feeling relieved. Everything was going to be fine. "So am I, Julie. I have missed you too." That night I sat alone in my room by the window thinking. The past few months almost felt as though they had never really happened. I finally felt free and happy. I never thought I could feel this way again. It was almost like a miracle. It's strange how life takes place and how certain causes and changes can make a person different yet the same in an almost eerie way. At first I thought being alone in my room would make me remember all the pain I had suffered and all the happiness I had felt that day would be ruined and taken away from me. Instead I still feel okay. I'm not like I used to be and I have no idea if I ever will be. I still miss Andrew more then anything and it still hurts. Sometimes I still forget that he is dead. I keep thinking he is going to call any minute with some sort of news. I get shivers when I think like that. At least I understand that it is fine to think and feel this way and that even if I never forget anything about him or if I never fall in love again that it will be okay too. I think about that too. Falling in love again. It has only been about five months and it is way too early to say. But, who knows, maybe I will meet someone else and he will fill my heart almost like Andrew did. I say almost because I know that no matter who I meet, nobody will fill Andrew's place in my heart. Nobody. Of course, right now I can't think of any other man besides Andrew. No other man will ever come close. At least not right now. And, maybe not even for the next ten years, but at least I know that I have a choice. I can choose whether or not I want to continue my life that way or another way. I won't think about it now, however. There isn't any point. Things are beginning to look brighter for now and for that I am satisfied. As Hannah always says, 'take life one day at a time'. And that is exactly what I plan to do.
To Be Continued



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