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Inside Cobra: Interview
Toxo-Viper Logan Morris

Inside Cobra:
What's your position in Cobra?

Logan Morris:
I WAS a Viper, mouthed off to my CO (Commanding Officer). Got put in Desert Scorpion, said it sucked and I wanted transferred. So I was transferred to Toxo-Vipers by choice!! I like destroying things and making a big mess. You should've seen my bedroom when I was a little boy.. Man, what a dump!

IC:
How long have you been in Cobra? In Toxo-Vipers?

LM:
I've been here for three years. A Viper for 8 months, Desert Scorpion for 4. I've been a Toxo-Viper for 2 years. Should've asked to enlist in the Incinerator corps after Viper training....

IC:
Any relation to Lamont Morris, the Joe Heavy Duty?

LM:
Actually(pauses), yeah. (sighs) He's my twin brother.

IC:
Ever tell any Cobra stuff to you brother?

LM:
Hell no! I don't squeal out on nobody.

IC:
Why did you join Cobra?

LM:
I've always been compared to my brother, Lamont. I'm the 'bad' twin. I like to fight, flirt with the ladies, and mouth off when I feel it's necessary. I got demoted for the latter.

IC:
Tell us the dirt on the demotion.

LM:
I had to shoot my brother or get my @$$ kicked by the CO later. He said shoot, I said, "F*** you, man. I ain't shootin' my brother, Joe or otherwise." And you know the rest.

IC:
If you could improve the world with one action, what would the action be?

LM:
Only one action? Can it be a series of parts to make up the action?

IC:
Sure, why not. Just answer, please.

LM:
Let's see... remove Bill Clinton, Elvis, General Hawk, Duke, Lieutenant Falcon, Sergeant Slaughter...

IC:
(interrupts) get rid of the leaders and then...

LM:
(continues) Big Boa, and that Viper CO guy. And replace them with intelligent Viper chicks. Women leaders would be cool. Yeah, cool. Huh huh. (Does a Beavis & Butthead laugh.) Sorry about that. Overexposure to toxics and MTV, you know.

IC:
What was your worst experience so far?

LM:
Basic training is first. Being a Desert Scorpion for three months.

IC:
Explain.

LM:
Big Boa don't like it when a guy finds fun in drilling trainee Vipers...And I don't feel fondness towards the scorpions that got into the showers. Hate getting sand in my suit.

IC:
How would you improve Cobra?

LM:
Three words: MORE LADY VIPERS!!!

IC:
Why?

LM:
I'm a single guy. There aren't many women..used to only be the Baroness and Zarana.

IC:
What are your feelings towards your commanding officers? Love 'em or kill 'em?

LM:
The Viper CO, forgot his friggin' name, kill him. The Desert Scorpion CO chick, she's OK. I was a Scorpion for only 3 months and she got me transferred to Toxo-Vipers.

IC:
Who's the Toxo-Viper CO?

LM:
Cesspool. He's a looney. Kinda creepy. But OK.

IC:
Who's the better leader: Serpentor or Cobra Commander?

LM:
I've only seen CC in action. I've heard a little about Serpentor. But I can't say because I've yet to compare the two. Probably CC. He didn't get himself killed. (pauses for a moment) Besides, Cobra Commander's got a better outfit and larger wardrobe. (laughs)

IC:
Who's your closest pals in Cobra?

LM:
Well, the Snow Serpent trainer whose name is not to be printed (note: he's yet to be interviewed). He's a cool guy. He taught a trainee Eel who was scared S___ of water to overcome her fear, but she did know how to swim. He is tough yet reasonable. Nasty when necessary, but generally a real nice guy. Maybe you could interview the girl, too?

IC:
Not a bad idea. I'll talk to the editors about it. (jots the idea down.)

IC:
Now, a bit of personal stuff..

LM:
(interrupts) oh, no.

IC:
It's not your underwear size or asking if you sleep with a security blanket or prefer a teddy bear..Anyways,....

IC:
Boxers or briefs?

LM:
Boxers are drafty. If I need to, briefs. They keep vital parts warm on a cold day, say when we gotta pollute Alaska or something. But for swimming, I prefer a bikini...

IC:
Why?

LM:
As I said earlier, I'm a single man. And if you've got it, flaunt it.

IC:
Okay....Pepsi or Coke?

LM:
Neither. The crap's about as bad as downing a glass of sludge. Rots your stomach and teeth. No alcohol, sugary crap (Koolaid), caffiene, or carbonized stuff.

IC:
Burger King's fries or McDonald's fries?

LM:
BK's fries taste like the stuff I load my sludge-launcher guns with. I usually don't eat fast foods. Burns up in the body too fast, causing you to be hungry soon after. Meats and vegetables and dairy is longer lasting and healthier for me. (chuckles) It also slows down the wasting away of my body caused by the toxics I handle. So kiddies, eat your peas, carrots, whatever you don't like that your momma says is good for you... (laughs again)

IC:
Thank you for your time to do this interview.

LM:
No prob. Tell the ladies I'm single.

IC:
Yeah, sure. Thanks a lot.

Interviewer: Jennifer
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IN PRAISE OF COBRA:
a look at some of the best (and not so best) Cobra poetry written by Cobras for Cobras

Here, at Inside Cobra, we discovered that there are many talented (and even more untalented) poets in the ranks. Here is just a sample of some of their patriotic work.

-- BOTTOM-FEEDER (Cobra Commander's most faithful servant)

I) Nations tend to have a mythical figure which represent the greatness of their country: America has Uncle Sam and Britain has Britannia. Here is one Crimson Guard's suggestion for Cobra's empire: Serpentina.

HAIL, GREAT SERPENTINA! by an anonymous Crimson Guard

From sea to slithering sea
Shall She
The Great Serpentina
Shadow over the slow and shallow species.

She, Great Serpentina,
Snake of Snakes,
Shall stalk and stamp on the stagnant
with sword and staff.

Squeeze all that exists beneath the stratosphere,
Swallow the spineless and short sighted,
Swarm and siege,
Snatch what shall be yours, Great serpentine Siren.

To you, Serpentina, shall we
Be staunch in your service
As your sentries.
She shall rule, Serpentina!

II) This particular Haiku is popular with the Ninja forces. They sometimes recite this before going into battle.

HAIKU by Slice

G.I. Joe
Will be split in bits
like a worm

III) This next poem (which "Bluddy-well" stinks) was written by a "Major poet". It just happens that this was also the poem that Billy recited during his attempted assination of Cobra Commander. You remember, it happened a few years ago at a Springfield rally (see Comic Issue #33). Thank Heavens that our most-beloved leader was not hurt!

UNTITLED by a "Major poet"

Roses are red, violets are blue,
Cobras are deadly and so are you.

IV) Next, we have an ode written by a love-sick pilot. For his own safety against a perhaps jealous Destro, the author has requested that Inside Cobra withholds his name.

AN ODE TO THE BARONESS by CLASSIFIED

Her hair is as jet black as the Raven;
Her tinted glasses like windshields on the Rattler;
Her voice, as elegant as the dainty C.L.A.W. gliding high in the clouds;
Her power like that of her bolt-rifle:

Her absence shoots my heart
And leaves a gaping hole in my chest
And from it, my venomous blood departs:
Drips like oil from a faulty Mamba engine.

We are, dear Baroness, separate like a Raven jet from its pod or a Firebat from its embracing Terror-Drome;
Yet, we are One in Cobra.
You are the serpent's tongue; I, its tail.
In Cobra, we coil into One.

Gee, wasn't that a "flighty" poem.

V) Inside Cobra also approached the Dreadnoks when putting this article together. We asked Road Pig if he would be willing to submit a poem for us.

This is the... um... rhyming couplet he recited when we approached him:

iF u don't mOov & let mE paSs
I'll shuv yer noTepaD up yer a--!!!

Of course, that really wasn't the type of poetry we were looking for. On the other hand, some of the other Dreadnoks tried to help us out. When we asked Torch, he said this: "Bli me, wAt's a pOiM?". Then Ripper gave it a shot. This is what we got from him:

Ripper: GrApe sOda iZ yuMmy
chaLkliT-koverd donuTs R good
... uhhh...
Y da blooDy 'ell do All owr doNuts have bItes in 'em?

Torch: ZanzibAr gOt in 'em aLL b4 we coULd.

Monkeywrench: LEt's go fiNd da baSterD & beet 'im Up!

As you can see, Ripper did not quite finish his poem. (Thank God!)

VI) And last, but definitely not least, here is my contribution. The subject is so great that its name is poetry enough without any ornamentations.

HE THAT SHALL BE COBRA FOREVER by Bottom-Feeder

COBRA COMMANDER

This concludes our segment. Let us know if you have for publication any "great" literature or barroom songs which praise Cobra. Send them to dmagri@julian.uwo.ca or to your nearest Tele-Viper. Afterall, we could use all the help we can get in spreading the Praise Cobra deserves.
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part 3