Sometimes funny just happens. You don't go seeking it out, you don't intentionally try to subvert a channel's conversation, you don't even expect it. It just happens.

This is the case of the following log. It was a trip into a channel based merely on invitation. When people cruise through the IRC blindly inviting everyone and anyone into their channel, I always jump at the chance to join that channel to see what sort of riffraff they attract. Usually, funny happens.

So when I recieved a blind invite to the channel #playhouse I was quick to join. The riffraff that assembled there included a horny 17 year old Australian, someone to whom English was obviously a second (if not a third) language, and a group of silent ops. With a group like this, how can funny NOT happen?

And while I did not intend to completely take over the conversation in this channel, it happened. It couldn't be helped. I simply HAD to do my part for humanity, for the IRC, and for comedy...

Session Start: Mon Oct 19 23:40:31 1998
*** Now talking in #playhouse
*** Topic is '[mirosa] you get your fucking act together. | hehehe. '
*** Set by laich on Mon Oct 19 21:39:24
<CrakGnius> hello all
*** SethW (Ask@cci-209150250125.clarityconnect.net) has joined #playhouse
<SethW> hello again
*** paz (paz@ppp31-0-Rosebud.alphalink.com.au) has joined #playhouse
<paz> anyone here got big tits

...I know it's hormonal. The kid's 17, it's natural. But nonetheless when faced with such a greeting, I simply MUST chime in with my own little smart-assed comments...

<MrAss> well thats a great way to meet women..hehe
<CrakGnius> Ya paz... I do... and I'm kinda sensitive about the subject... got any idea where I can buy a Manzier?
* jolta says hello too evertone
* jolta says hello too evertone

...jolta has nothing to do with the rest of our story here, but I find it interesting that such mental retardation as "hello too evertone" when he means to say "hello to everyone", was somehow not bad enough the first time, it was worthy of saying TWICE. Here's a strong case for 'two wrongs don't make a right'...

<SethW> paz, it's not polite to say and you get less chance to meet woman
<paz> ok
<CrakGnius> oh... or were you looking for women? *blush* my oh my how embarrassing
<SethW> paz, try say something more nicest than dirty word okay?

...Here's where I realise we have a person less than fluent in the English language in our midst, and I have to try reeeeeally hard not to start in on him. But I take the high road and only say things that are "more nicest than dirty word" to him...

<paz> okay
<CrakGnius> here paz... allow me to demonstrate...
<paz> what???????
<CrakGnius> "Hi, I'm paz. I'm a sensitive guy who's feeling a bit vulnerable after a really hard breakup with a long time girlfriend. Any compassionate girls with really huge knockers please msg me"
<SethW> Paz, I want hear you saying in nice way to get woman
<CrakGnius> there... that should work MUCH better :)
<SethW> something like that.

...subtlety is often lost on IRC I suppose...

<SethW> any pretty and cute lady want chat with 22/M/Ny msg me
<paz> now for my way
<paz> "any chicks with big tits here"
<SethW> Paz, no no you got it wrong!
<SethW> Paz, okay.. copy me
<SethW> Hello Any nice female with really huge knockers pls msg me

...Sadly, I believe I have taught this ESL student the term "really huge knockers" as a compliment to women. One can only imagine the first time he tries to flatter a nice American girl with that gem...

<SethW> now you say that.
<CrakGnius> or...
<CrakGnius> "hey, I'm paz. I'm tired of the pickup lines, the bar scene, the whole meatmarket. I just want a simple nice caring conversation with a lady who has a great mind and nice bouncy mellons."
<CrakGnius> isn't that better?
<SethW> Crak, I liked that one.
<SethW> But I still can't say that.
<paz> thats right
<SethW> that sound like ummmm you want having sex or smoething
<CrakGnius> Really Seth?
<SethW> Crak, yeah to me I quess so.
<CrakGnius> hmmmmmm... maybe you're reading more into it than I am
<SethW> Hey, that's my option is different than your.
<CrakGnius> I was just suggesting that an open mind always goes great with a rightous rack... thats all

...I mean, come on, how on earth can that be construed as a sexual advance? If it's a good enough motto for the leader of the free world, its good enough for me...

<SethW> I usually say "Hello My name is seth, and any hot looking lady want chat with me? hey.. I'm 22/M/ny so msg me if you want to chat with me."
<CrakGnius> MrAss do you have any opinions on the subject? Your nick seems to stand out in the crowd
<SethW> hehehe Crak
<SethW> Crak, you female?
<CrakGnius> I bet all the girls with big tits are already in msg with MrAss, therefore leaving none to paz
<CrakGnius> No seth
<SethW> heheheheh
<SethW> Crak, I agree with ya
<CrakGnius> MrAss, are you perchance a proctologist?

...can I possibly make ANOTHER Seinfeld reference? Maybe next time my nick will just be Kramer, wearing my manzier and looking for the ASSMAN, proctologist at large...

<SethW> Crak, hey.. do Whois on Mrass and look how many channel he in.. oh yeah he's in like 5 channel
<paz> mr ass is a bitch
<SethW> hehehe paz
*** Big_Man has quit IRC (Leaving )
<CrakGnius> Wow... and an op in every one! You wouldn't be suggesting that MrAss is a *gasp* bot would you??
<SethW> maybe...
<CrakGnius> now how did Big Man know I was going to pick on him next?
<CrakGnius> shux
<SethW> *Ahem* I think Mrass is bot..
<CrakGnius> shhhhhhhhhh
<CrakGnius> that's a secret!
<paz> mrass takes it up the coit
<SethW> that right... *ahem*....

...at this point I needed to return my attention to loserish paz, who was running out of witty comments about MrAss...

<CrakGnius> so okay... lets do this poll style...
<CrakGnius> are there ANY ladies... any at all... in the channel right now??
<CrakGnius> we're looking for any ladies here
<SethW> I dunno.
<CrakGnius> any at all...
<CrakGnius> anyone with a PULSE besides seth and myself?? Anyone??
<CrakGnius> Anyone breathing??
<CrakGnius> okay if there's anyone who's doing cybersex and masturbating just pound the keyboard repeatedly with your free hand and hit enter
<slayer> adsddaggdadgfee4h24h
<CrakGnius> AHA!
<zoe-> wg3yt34t24
<CrakGnius> zoe!
<CrakGnius> slay!
<CrakGnius> neat, humanoids
<SethW> Crak, I quess everyone are having cybersex and masturbating.
<CrakGnius> Must be
<zoe-> and im only a 13old girl <:)
<paz> hi zoe

...okay, thats just sick to talk to her after she says she's 13. I mean, okay, YES she's female and YES she's there, but 13!! Geeez...

<SethW> zoe, well some 13 year old girl do masturbating or having cybersex, the age is not matter to *AHEM* over cyber

...email me your English translations of that line, I haven't a clue...

<CrakGnius> wow zoe... 13 huh... so I guess you DIDN'T respond to paz's previous request
<zoe-> hey babeee.
<paz> SethW male or female?
<SethW> paz, what do you think?

...Ya what do you think? His name is Seth. He's said TWICE now that he's male and from NY. I know this kid's head is completely clogged with massive ammounts of teenage male hormones, but COME ON...

<paz> female?
<SethW> Whoa!
<SethW> what's your age hun?
<paz> 17
<paz> u
<SethW> tsk tsk I'm 22
<paz> oh
<paz> more experienced
<SethW> now, why you need female?
<SethW> so, you want get fucked right?
<CrakGnius> HELL-0!

...HELL-O!...

<paz> pardon
<SethW> paz, I'll glad to go your house and have sex with ya!
<CrakGnius> golly don't we cut right to the point
<paz> SethW sure
<paz> where u from
<SethW> NY
<SethW> and I'm MALE! and I don't want to be gay with ya!
<paz> oh
<CrakGnius> haaaaaaaaahahahahaha
<SethW> wake up!
<SethW> Look at my fucking name! it say Seth it mean boy. don't you know the damn name from bible don't you?
<paz> thats girly name

...as with most 17 year old boys, faced with his own ignorance, he becomes defensive. Hmm, that sounded almost clinical. Maybe I should be a psych major...

<paz> poof
<paz> ter
<CrakGnius> poof??????
<CrakGnius> OMG a LIMEY!!!
<CrakGnius> oh wait... no an Ozzy
<CrakGnius> my bad :P
<SethW> paz, nono Seth is boy name girl name is Sephianic or something like that.
<paz> poof
<paz> ter
<paz> no you got girl name!!!!!
<SethW> NO!
<paz> dont lie girly name poof!!!!!!
<SethW> poof?
<SethW> what hell you mean poof? girl name poof?
<paz> u poof
<SethW> no I didn't poof.
<paz> u poof
<SethW> I was male all the time. just to fool ya cause you asked me if I'm F so I lie that I'm F but I'm really Male
<paz> no poofter!!!! u poof
<SethW> paz, you want a proof?

...I love the confusion here. Simple and pure miscommunication, between someone who speaks Austrailian, or bastardized Cochney as I like to call it, and one who barely speaks American English...

<paz> yes
<paz> poof
<SethW> go to www.geocities.com/thetopics/island/6573 and look who is that pic!
<CrakGnius> not proof... poof... he's calling you gay (in austrailian)
<SethW> Crak, what?
<SethW> poof is gay in austrailian?
<paz> go suck dick poof!!!!!!!
<SethW> fuck you paz
<CrakGnius> yup
<paz> go suck dick poof!!!!!!!
<CrakGnius> I'm afraid that poof is gay in australian
<paz> go pound your boyfriends ass!!!!!!!!!
<CrakGnius> WOW... this has become quite friendly
<paz> go pound your boyfriends ass!!!!!!!!!
<paz> pooooooooooooooooooooof!!!!!!!
<paz> why yes it has
<SethW> Crak, I didn't know that.
<SethW> paz, no you poof!
<CrakGnius> paz... uhm
<CrakGnius> Just a suggestion... try a SEX CHANNEL if you're looking for CYBERSEX! HELL-0
<paz> you cant use poof... u dont even no what it means!!!!!
<CrakGnius> Ya use something else...
<SethW> paz, now I do. you are poof! go to #cybersex!
<CrakGnius> Like ass cowboy
<CrakGnius> rump roaster
<CrakGnius> Rear bumper
<CrakGnius> Ass plumber
<CrakGnius> hiney humper
<CrakGnius> Butt banger
<CrakGnius> Pillow biting ass pounding man loving...uhmmmm.. homosexual
*** MrAss sets mode: +b *!*paz@*.au
<paz> dont talk about yourself that way
*** paz was kicked by zoe- (banned )
<CrakGnius> hahahahahahahaha
<SethW> thank zoe.
<CrakGnius> ahhhhhhh
<CrakGnius> comedy

...all this and I barely had to say a word. The humor took care of itself. I love disrupting the normal workings of the online meatmarket. Anyone who's as neandrothalithic enough to pound out the mating cry of "21/M/Mississippi looking for sexy ladies for fun chat to msg me" is almost as desparate as anyone who would willingly reply to said message. You can often find me in one of the larger channels, like #funfactory, looking to play matchmaker to the lonely hearts. So when I see " Any ladies want to chat with a 22/m/Canada msg me" and " anyone want to chat with a 23/f/NJ" I try and hook the two of them up. So what if they're both 14 year old boys? It's less harmful for them to chat with each other than to sucker someone who's actually HAD sex into chatting with them. And for those of you bent on entering a channel with a Rico Suave "Anyone here with big tits," expect me to have a thing or two to say about it...