I laugh in your face as you try to dicipline me.
I yell at you when you try to prove something you have no knowledge of
Hostility, agression and anger are strong, abundant and exremely visible
My shoulders tense, my head hurts
Its like I want to jump out of my skin and
scare their eyes out of their heads.
Show them this is the me no one ever knew
The me I have never shown
It's me though
Look I am not quiet
I hate you all and could care less if you know
I want to cut you into small pieces and lie you on your doorstep
as the maggots eat your stenching body
and your mother and father weep
I'm sorry just a thought
QUESTION THEIR LOVE
I watch them as they drag each other down the street
paper bags in hand,
arms linked for support
The women look at her watch
vaguely aware of the time
She looks beaten, ragged
The man looks dirty and agressive.
Does he hurt her?
Alienate her?
Love her?
Care for her?
Can she love?
Does she remember how?
They seat themselves under a large, dark tree
staring into the night
makin out nothing,
just obscurities
will fate be introduced?
or will reality finally beat them?
The alcohol controls them
Speaks for them
thinks for them
They are thinking deeply
this is what I interpret from their expressions
Maybe they are just dead.
WHO ARE YOU?
I am seated on a rock
The sand beneath my toes is white and soft
I hear the faint whistling of the wind
I make out songs, quotes and stories
I look out onto the ocean
I see him walking towards me
Gently calling my name as he nears
Fingering me to come closer
as I hesitate he glares
continuing to call me name
I stay on the rock
He calmly places himself on the beach infront of me
He spoke of the past
He spoke of the future
I am speachless
Deep in though
Intoxication making my head spin
He tells me he is my saviour
and he was sent to hold me
I guide me
to help me
He is blury,
as he rises from his position on the sand
and slowly drifts out toward the ocean
He is gone
but not lost
FREEDOM
I lie on the dock
searching the starts for answers
the flame sparks from my bic
I light the blunt carefully
being sure it is lit properly
I take blasts
my feelings soar
my mind deep in thought
I toke slowly loving the feeling
my eyes grow heavy and dry
still looking at the silver beauty in the sky
wondering how such extraordinary things could be created
As my head is racing
my body drifts elsewhere
I am now above myself
watching my still, stoned body on the wooden dock
AH, to be free
HIM
His raspy, clean voice
grips me tightly
holds me
loves me like no one does
I will die to see his beautiful face
hearing him speak will be like a christian speaking to god
where I go I will find him
I will play with his thoughts
and teach him me the way I have learned him
I do not follow him
merely envy his wonderful mind
and way of speech
NO RETURN
I am walking down the silent snow paved road
the coolness of the air is biting my ears, hands and nose
my destination is clear
the log cabin straight ahead
I walk toward it and it suddenly disappears from sight
I look around seeing strange faces watching me
I slowly walk away from the clearing where to log cabin once stood
I hear people yelling, calling my name
I scream back
but the voices continue
there I fall into the snow
I lie there for enternity
ME AND THE HEAT
As the silver, glowing moon falls placidly on the sun heated roof
I lie carefully on the my couch
I had bought for two dollars at the MOD shop
I run my hands through my knotted, fizzy hair
My grass in one hand and a beer in the other
I feel the breeze whisp small pieces of hair onto my sweaty forehead
With my hands behind my head
mindless babble suddenly passes my dry, warm lips
My mouth being dry made it hard to speak
and words came out in soft, slow slurs
Wishing for the past to return
all those amazing trips
mellow nights
sitting there, book and pen in hand
IT IS UPON ME
It's so clear
The rope tight around my throat
feet resting upon a wooden block
My eyes are burning from the tears
The pain of the rope causing my skin to rip away
I dream of that place where I'll be after this is all over
The pain is worth the outcome
trip to sanity, love, friendship, and a new life
Hurts a little thinking of the family I am leaving behind
But selfishness is over powering in such a case
FUCK YOU!
How could this happen
In such a short time
you killed me
now I will never trust again
They were right they always told me you were going to hurt me
I stood up for you
you fucken asshole
I was so naive
so stupid
I want to kill you most of all
cut your eyes out
cut your ears off with a butter knife
my cure hearing you scream stop
You deserve all the bad things that come to you
That car accident
you should've died
why did I waste that money
that time
Everyone told me you were a crock
I never believed them
Now, I am in pain
wondering why I am here
why didn't they just take me the first time
I'm not supposed to be here
I wish someone would come and take me away!!!!
ALL IN TIME
Flowing freely up the winding road
aimlessly driving to escape the town he ran from
escaping from the narrowmindedness
the bore
the ridiculing faces
He stares carefully at the water as he drives
The water puts him into a calming trance
a worry-free mind
he lights a malboro and sucks deeply
dreaming of where he will end up
The clouds shape and are manipulated by the wind
much like a child shaping clay
he sits up
opens his eyes groggily
thinking he must go home
and in bare feet
walks graciously throught the tall dew filled grass back home
We were put on earth to ruin ourselves, love the wrong people and die
~Nicholas Cage
She is shaking uncontrolably
mind racing
tears falling
she has cuts on her arms
signifying her anger and fear
why must she do that?
why can't she just talk to someone?
maybe she doesn't want help
she wants to swallow everything and pray for happiness
I watched her mope
dragging her feet across the floor
energyless
lifeless
her skin pale
frowned lips
sad eyes
I pity her selfishness
she makes me anxious
I want to tell her it will be okay
I can't because I don't know what she is thinking
much less of what she is going through
she is friendless
that grey face chases people away
she doesn't want people.
She wants to die
to be left to weep.
She wants sympathy
No!!!!!!!
I climbed half way up
Only to be pushed down
I cry from the bottom
dark, unwelcoming
rats and maggots are there to greet my return
dirt covered my face and hair
my clothing but torn rags covering my perspiring, wretchedly stenched body
I look up from the dark hole
I saw freedom
and now I am blinded from the vision of loss.
Life Line
They look like the sun and moon
glossing in the night.
As my tongue touches the smooth cap I lift my thoughts.
From those horrible nights and confusion...
to this the escapee of haters and messangers of the underground.
Young carefree, my mind floats then is blown away by the sweet summer air
Not Ever
I thought I was fucken stronger.
Now thoughts are diminished
things happened that shouldn't have
filthy rubbish
absolutely terrifying to my town soul
when they look....
they see all the way through me.
They peel my skin away and leave me exposed
like a sideshow for all to observe.
The deed exploited
I am regretful beyond words.
Want to hit, scar and feel pain.
It soothes and cleanses my battered mind.
numbness takes over
sleep encodes my body.
Nightmares asking questions
terrorizing my brain
I no longer understand
No One Here Gets Out Alive
I am trying to leave
trying to escape it.
Everywhere I go it follows
I weep and cry
I know it won't go
what did I do to deserve it
I am me
Do I even know what that is any longer
I feel betrayed
they were there
then gone in the same instant.
Is anyone happy?
Does everyone suffer?
Do they all know how it feels?
Everything I am told is a lie.
Sometimes I think society is a lie
a conspiracy to cover something much larger.
I am in pain
Can no one see
a stabbing pain through my heart.
one single thought...
loneliness is a state of mind.
it will effect everyone at one time.
it can make us stronger
but also weaker
Maybe this is my time to cope
to learn about the real world.
I don't think I can handle it any longer.
My emotions are undirected
I don't know where to begin,
or how to change.
LEAVE
I don't like the touch nor the feel.
To agressive.
Being naive
I pull away
I imagine spitting in your eye.
Why did you stay so late.
Why did I sit so near.
I let my vulnerability bleed.
I don't trust anyone but my blood.
No speech
no converse between us.
I can't
My mind can't handle it.
Maybe it's me.
But I am not sure.
It's different now that I give a shit.
I will not be easy.
Will not give myself away.
I am to be admired until mutual boundaries are established.
I resent you pulling me
I felt forced.
I am not to be told
not to be forced.
I make my decisions.
NOT YOU
"and all this fron a kiss?" you ask
please leave me
go far
I am not for you
I do not match
I do not fit your criteria
I want to be loved for my mind
not me
I hate me
I want everyone else to hate me too.
I just want to be left alone.
Don't touch me...
Don't speak...
Just learn
I am scared of commitment
frightened of the stars that surround the night.
Who's to say where I go and what I do.
Why do I let myself be pushed around.
They mock my face and scrape quietly at my brain.
I am silent.
Creepy thoughts.
Violent urges dominate my feelings.
Where is that piece of mind I crave?
I've lost love.
I can't feel anymore.
I am being hypnotized by someone that I don't know.
It always says no to good and yes to bad.
I wish a bullet would swallow everything.
But I want to be here to see myself live.
I want to be free, lively and sweet.
Can I slash your neck if you slash mine?
Let's die together.
There is no reason for you to hypnotize others.
You chose me and you will die with me.
FIGHT TO SURVIVE
I am loving death more and more.
Everyday is another way another thought.
Slice my throat.
The noose around my neck.
Water quickly covering my lungs.
That cold gun against my temple.
What if I do it?
What will happen?
He is tugging at me again
convincing me.
Why can't you kill him.
The doctor said you would.
You are going to haunt me forever aren't you?
I am going to look over my shoulder.
I can't stay and watch you kill me.
No more.
You are burning my eyes making them water to put out the flames.
I am scared to tell the outsiders you are there.
I will be sent away.
Are you laughing while I cry?
My face hurts.
All you do is kick it.
Where's that peaceful loving city where my mind used to go.
This one is like a jail.
I can't win.
I am guilty.
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY LIFE?
I watched you all night.
I observed your touch.
your sincerity.
I felt warm.
Your touch was real.
Or was that intoxication speaking?
I didn't feel bad for what I did.
I felt dangerous and untouchable to everyone but you.
Caressing my nipples as your tongue swept my lips.
It was dark but I saw light in your eyes.
Am I getting fucked or are you here?
I wonder if you even remember what happened...
He and I have been thinking a lot about what I should do.
It all seems to come back to you.
Why do you kill me?
Lie, betray and like it?
Do you enjoy pain?
Have you finally realized you attempts?
I have.
If you were more than a figment of belief I might have taken you seriously.
Since now you have been used, thrown and raped of your conscience,
things are different.
Our friendship has been eaten by your evil thoughts.
Choked by your impulsive lies.
You look innocent on the outside but I know YOU.
Please don't forget others have hearts that can be broken.
It seems your heart is protected by steel and you are encased by ice.
I find you amazing
Your smile
And those eyes that fondle my body.
This all seems like a trip to me
Like I will wake up in this fantasy and find myself, in bed, alone.
It's almost like I would do anything for you.
You are blowing me from my secluded island.
Your sail guiding me elsewhere.
My thoughts rambling and raving inside.
I want to be there with you all the while.
On that sail to the new place unknown to me.
My spirits lift.
I drop to my knees.
As my head drops
The evil explodes.
The more I lay here
The smaller my room gets.
Permanent goosebumps
Evasive thoughts
such impulse.
Unable to think.
Scared to death as to where I am going
you told me to do it.
Now where'd it get me?
Confined, dark, dreary
How I'd give to have this weekend back
Things would be different.
Ever Been Sailing?
Touched for the first time out of the womb
The unwilling trek to school.
that puppy love
well dressed children
bag lunches
pack sack tightly strapped.
You see the one,
the boy you will crush for the first year.
The keep feeling the water,
frightened of the waters ahead,
fueled,
sails tacked,
spot others much the same.
The trouble is yet to come
Mocking, evil, selfish children.
White-capped waters ahead.
Those whom you once knew have vanished,
left you to die alone
Betrayed the trust you gave.
The sadness that occasionally crept
upon you is now permanent.
The black waters slamming,
sails flapping,
yelling,
slowing, venturing through the dreadful waters.
Eventually the trips, hate, loneliness, anger, pain and rejection take over
the silver knife stabs your heart
as you retire your thoughts, dreams and aspirations
in that youthful body.
The bright light,
the loud crackles.
Water spilling upon the deck
Unknowingly slipping to shallow waters
the rock not visible.
Sitting in mild darkness
Quiet except for hollers for flashlights
Tranquility.
Lust for darkness and silence,
laughter from some
peculiar questions from others.
no lights no life
people walking in shock.
Some frightened even.
Stale cigarette smell in my mouth.
I am angry
tired of the yelling
bored of the disappointment.
This is where I long to be
in darkness
people asking questions
no worries
simple solitary death.
The sun is finally shining on that unmarked road.
A path is being cut.
Branches making way.
The fear has escaped
Happiness is beaming through.
Follow me to where I die.
Stay with me.
Life has begun.
The dark cloud from above me is no longer.
The pain that once enclosed my heart has regressed.
Someone is watching out for me.
Easing me through the path to a new life.
It's you.
Have I been cured?
Stop yelling at me,
I am here.
Infront of you.
I will no longer be your messanger.
I will not be your slave.
Stop haunting my thoughts,
be gone from my dreams.
Who did you think you were?
I laugh now,
looking back to how I obeyed your speeches.
Things are floating different now, bud.
I am going to destroy your existance.
I will be able to be me and NOT you.
His inadmissable problems are figments.
Small but hugely detected.
Complaints about pain, weakness and threats,
are simply reflections of the life you lead.
Strange ways to show pain.
Lying to the world as well as your mind.
Seeing through your tattered mind,
I see a place called hope.
Problem full but hopeful.
If you want help say the words.
Don't betray yourself
I do what you tell me and still this is what I get?
such disrespect
nothing good has come out of your orders
just pain for me and my family...
not to mention any others that come into contact with me
you throw me to the floor with vengance.
Fill me with hate.
Slowly you are disrupting my thoughts.
You make it hard for me to think
you drain me of my motivation.
Life is no longer something to fight for
it is more like waiting for fate to take its toll.
You are telling me to live the life above me.
Everyone around me speaking of happiness.
It is hard to believe that in my head it may exist.
somewhere.
somehow.
My life shall go on...
not here....
not now....
In another life...
At another time...after death
Alone in blackness,
withdrawn from reality.
Dragging heavily upon a cigarette.
The blue tainted smoke creeps along the walls.
Staining yellow streaks.
My mind and recessive thoughts of happiness,
dominated by weakness and refused.
Mingling thoughts.
Telling me so many things.
I am confused on which to proceed with.
I stand quietly with a blank stare and quivering lips.
A tear drops from my eye.
I lash from confinement.
Tired of the monotonous voices.
The punch lingers in my ears.
The blood soaks into my shirt.
I immediately fall to the ground.
Wound into a tight ball.
I shut out the sounds.
For so long I felt regretful.
Alone in blackness
No one understood.
No one cared.
So I took the blade in my trembling hands.
I was nervous with sweat.
As I plunged the great sword into my chest,
the pain and weakness disappeared.
Alone in blackness.
You are the enemy.
Hiding within
telling me secrets.
Killing the mind which I once owned.
You have now taken over.
Ruining my life.
Slowly draining me of dignity.
Infecting me with demise.
You arose from nowhere
but have moved in and taken over.
Do you see what you are doing?
My eyes sting
my clenched fists throb
blood spots on my palms.
When will you finally give up?
Or must I battle you to the death?
Early morning awakenings
I shall sleep no longer
Blank mind
Slight body movements
My mouth is dry
my lips caked with something sticky.
My eyes are wide awake
What do I do?
So I decide to think
no use, thoughts do not form.
Everything is stopped from crossing my lips.
Why did you have to fuck me?
Couldn't you just disintegrate?
I am deteriorating.
Pricked slightly by chemicals.
They are keeping me here.
Although I might as well be dead.
I am living a world of violent demise.
Pissing on me.
Fucking me.
My eyes are wide.
My heart is closed.
Mother is yelling in my ear.
My worthless body fatigued with fear and pain.
Tension and hysteria.
My mind is rambling.
Speaking so many different things it seems like another language.
Where is the peace.
Is there sleep in my future?
Is there death residing in your crystal ball?
Where are you waiting?
On my side or mothers?
Do you want me here?
If feel you are on the opposite team.
TRAITOR
You fucking bastard.
The smell amidst the air is bitterly disgusting.
Smells of confusion.
Smells of insomnia.
Where do I go from this point.
Either way will find death.
The sooner the better it yells.
Of course I agree gullably.
Is it stupdity or manipulation?
Had my own mind manipulated itself?
I pray and wish silently that I was someone else.
So I could be somewhere else.
This scene is literally driving me CRAZY.
Soon they will find the key, lock me up
and I will wither and slowly shrivel to my death
upon the cold uninviting cement.
I can already feel the mites biting at my ass.
Their teeth enjoying my lukewarm blood.
The dark black shaded liquid.
The bright flames dancing in the slight breeze.
The smell of marijuana and stale beer roamed the tent.
The men of the party laid naked on the sand.
Their creamy skin exposed to the frosty temperatures.
I sat on a weak mossy log.
My hair tangled with sand, water and cum.
I giggled as I remembered the hour before this.
Rolling in the sand with him on top of me pumping and grinding.
I saw all but his anonymous face.
Who was he?
Dark, chisled cheeks and buttocks,
perfectly sensuous lips
that caressed my body with an unbelievable swipe.
Now he is gone.
All but whispers in the cool summer wind.
The thick branches tap my shoulders in the dark.
I am lost in the ruins of a ragged forest.
I am lost in my own mind.
Unaware of my thoughts.
Wish to be those in which I am not.
Envy beauty,
cry because of my sins.
His gentle hand swoops and takes me.
I see his beautiful face and am content in his soft hands.
Dodging the clouds swiftly.
The crisp mist shrinking my skin.
Coolness on my face calms my confusion.
I am soon placed in a field of hay.
The golden colours kissing my eyes.
He slowly fades with a nod and a wink.
He is my best friend.
Warns me of my choices.
Provides me with options.
He understands my dillemas.
His head aches much like mine.
Those constant thoughts race causing panic and occasional destruction.
He is my idolistic figure.
He has made it through life in his own world.
He was reborn though society as a beautiful person.
I love him so.
She means well.
She picks me up when I fall, buttons my shirt if it is undone.
She hands me mittens before school on a frosty morn.
I cannot deal with her knowing the terrible things that I conjuer in my head.
They might frighten her.
She must distiguish stupidity from meaning.
The things I have said and done have been fun at the time but I resent hurting her.
She gave birth to my sould and gave me all I need to survive.
The rest I must find myself and persue it.
My priority is to make her proud.
By making her proud I hope to erase my past.
BEHIND THE LIGHT
I sit behind slight candlelight.
Recalling this evenings events.
Many guys too physically and mentally ruined to realize their confused expressions and irrational stories.
Others quiet, subside into a high evening of withdrawl.
On the other side, two young girls, one so stoned she begins to let hidden psychoses
release from obsession/
The other girl, pinched, and quiet but ready to jump at the chance to be heard.
A strong girl in her beliefs but unable to accept others ways unless an event of debate occurs.
The young lad they were speaking to, was overcome by his sessions and gingerale with repulsively cheap whiskey.
In any case, he hadn't a clue what they were investigating.
Her and her friend had never planned this conversation nor had they communicated verbally.
They spoke of their horrible habits of taking unconscious victims into their hands.
May I inform you, these girls were enticed by a sexual practise called S&M.
They very closely followed tricks with chains and whips.
Other activities were mastered while they passively accepted the informations that was presented to them.
The obsessive psychotic removed herself from her corner of withdrawl.
She made it clear she was needed elsewhere.
She made promises I know she can't keep and stepped into the cold northwestern air.
Lipsinking while trying to succeed in reaching home..
And here I am.
And to think I almost lost you because I lost myself.
Somewhere in this adolescent mind must be a switch to turn the
sanity and togetherness on.
I feel grey and exhaustion has hit me like a drunk driver on a Saturday night.
My insides are being scraped away and the heat I am throwing out is completely unbearable.
I have on week left.
One week for what?
To die?
To live?
To leave?
I have one week left I repeat in a possessive tone.
I am lying here, sweating out my thoughts.
Expelling these intruders that have been disturbing my slumber.
They are what is fuckin my up.
I awak and have trouble distinguishing reality from dreams.
They may be just dreams but strange and unsatisfying.
To any point at which I leave myself to rest.
It's almost as if I am being followed.
The cause of the recent anxiety attacks and tense muscles is undiscovered as well.
I guess this is just the beginning to my end?
YOU HAVE ENTERED THEIR MIND
AND SCRAPED THEIR SOUL.
DEATH IS VAPOUR IN THE HOT SUMMER AIR.
LIFE IS FIRE IN THE CRISP WINTER FOREST.
EXISTENT BUT A RARE FIND.
Sex with him is like seeing the light.
I wish it was something more than sex.
I feel safe lying in his arms.
Stroking his strong arms and back.
I feel invinsible when I am near him.
What I haven't realized yet is...
what I've lost.
I could lose some respect but that means little from the assholes here.
I have not lost self respect, just a friend.
JUST A FRIEND.
Was it worth it?
Are all these things they are telling me truly how he feels?
I called for the sexual relationship.
Why did I hope something would come out of it.
You cannot change the set.
You cannot rape the willing.
You cannot love the hated.
Have I ruined my future.
Poisoned my mind?
Rotted my flesh?
Will I lost my dignity?
I am not scared of the stares,
nor will I walk in pride
but will this blow-up in my face?
Will I end up pregnant and be forced into a death-trap?
My smile is reappearing, will it disappear in the same instant?
I won't force love or pressure commitment.
I don't want it either.
I don't want him sticking other girls.
I must rely on my conscience.
Hope it speaks truthfully.
Maybe that beautiful, bright, sunny day will peak through the sad, dark, clouds?
Life will change.
Gone from here.
A girl still likes him.
I am constantly being reminded.
Does he do this to others?
Will reality trip up and slap me?
Shall I ask my questions to the source?
"Be careful" they say.
Endlessly walking.
Treking through the snow laden forest.
Under the watch of the moon and stars.
She shivers but keeps walking.
Searching for understanding
putting a stop to her confusion.
A large oak tree, bare, and wise beyond its time
is up ahead and grasps her wandering eyes.
She carefully climbs, being sure not to slip.
Sitting on a large branch her head resting softly on the cold damp bark.
She has reached her birth and death.
They flash quickly infront of her own eyes.
Slowly closing them.
Approaching purgatory with a kiss.
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