El Nino Hurt The War Effort!!!!
In Shoking news today, Darth Vader announced that El Nino, the now infamous weather phenomenom, hindered the Imperial War effort. In a startling release of recently declassified records, El Nino was found to have been an Imperial super weapon gone mad. A hush fell over the crowd as Darth Vader took the podium to speak. "We originally designed El Nino as a weapon against the Rebel Alliance when they were found to be on Hoth. It was intended to melt the planet through it's global and oceaninc warming cycles, but it became sentient." Vader went on to discuss how the Empire's efforts to quell the now insane and vindictive creature with a universal greeting and offer of solace failed like a hooker in a gay bar. "Bah weep gra na weep ninny bahn," repeated Vader, "But it failed. After we greeted it, it wanted us to feed it, and no matter how hard we tried, it's appetite was insatiable. It kept going on and on about Sally Struthers, and someone named Starvin Marvin, and demanded more appetizers. As it ran out of negotiations, we heard it screaimng "BEEFCAKE, BEEFCAKE," over and over again. We never could figure out what it meant." Later the exact military ramifications were discovered when Vader admitted to have tried to hunt it down and kill it, after it was discoverd that it was using newly discovered Force abilities to take over Imperial planets and make the weather too hectic and chaotic to live in, and thusly driving out the Imperial element. He went on to further state that the people of the Imperial worlds became frightened, not knowing what was causing these strange occurrences, and began to join the Allaince in an effort to avoid it, fearing Imperial Military testing on their planets as the cause. "We never knew what hit us when it destroyed the first Death Star, causing the life support systems to over load and increase the internal temperatures to such a great degree that the station exploded. all the Rebel's did was blow up one of the eateries in the officers sections, Quark's. After that, El Nino was king, and he went so far as to influence my decision to off the Emporer, because he was stupid, like Hitler." Shortly after, many began speculating as to whether or not El Nino was behind some of the strange occurences in South Park, Colorado, where late at night you can hear the word "beefcake" repeated over and over.
Clinton: El Nino Made Me Do It
President Clinto today decided to come clean about the alegations of an intimate encounter with one of his interns. In a startling address, he directly stated that "El Nino", who was further inplicated today during an Imperial press conference, as the leading factor in his decision to not only do the nasty with his intern, but to actually approach Hillary at a Tri Lam/Tri Delt frat party in college. "Both times I was under the influence of El Nino. But during the first episode, we did not yet know how dangerous El Nino was, so I had no probelm inhaling. The second offense though, was just a contact high." A shocked media today looked into the psychotropic effects of El Nino first hand, as a large amount of him was brought in to the room, was left for people to inhale, and then, Chelsea was brought in. One man awoke a few hours later next to Sock's the cat, while Maria Shriver awoke to Chelsea's smiling face. All, save Chelsea, were scarred for life.
El Nino Ate My Balls!El Nino Ate My Ball: need I say more?
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