A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away . . .

Star Wars

Episode 1.05

The Phantom Apprentice

Int. - Darth Sidious' office

Sidious: All is going according to plan. Soon, I will be the supreme ruler of the galaxy, controlling all through my iron-fisted command. The loss of my apprentice was, however, unfortunate.

(Sidious activates the comm.)

Sidious: Sly Moore, have the applicants arrived.

Sly Moore: (V.O.; in Huttese) Yes, sir. They are here.

Sidious: Send the first one in.

(Sidious picks up a datapad and studies it as the first applicant enters his office)

Sidious: Name?

Harry: Potter sir. Harry Potter.

(Harry sets Hedwig's cage on the table in front of him. Sidious glances over the datapad, and studies Harry)

Sidious: A little young, but I'm sure that will be fine. I'm not anticipating implementing phase two of my plan for another ten years. The black robes are good, I like the red and gold accessories, I can certainly make use of those. I think you'll be needing some vision correction, perhaps some cybernetic implants. I like the scar. Would you mind getting more like it?

Harry: Actually, I think I would mind.

Sidious: Unfortunate. How about a name change? Perhaps something like Darth Voldemort?

Harry: (horrified) I should think not!

Sidious: (sighs) Very well. Show me your stuff, kid.

Harry: Pardon?

Sidious: Your stuff! Your power! Do what it is that you do.

(Harry pulls out a wand and waves it)

Harry: Wingardium Leviosa!

(Hedwig's cage levitates off the table)

Sidious: (disappointed) Is that it?

Harry: Pardon?

Sidious: Really, I've seen this before. I've watched Jedi lift starfighters out of swamps. Levitating a bird cage is considerably less impressive.

Harry: I can also materialize my happy memories into quite the impressive looking Patronus.

Sidious: Get out!

Harry: Am I going back to Hogwarts?

Sidious: (into comm) Sly Moore, book Mr. Potter on the next shuttle . . . to Kessel. Perhaps he'd enjoy levitating spice out of the mines.

Sly Moore: (V.O.; in Huttese) Yes, sir.

Sidious: OOM-7, escort Mr. Potter out of here.

OOM-7: Roger, roger!

(Sidious' battle droid escorts Harry from the office, then returns)

Sidious: Sly Moore, send in the next applicant.

(Sidious picks up the datapad and studies it as Smith enters the office)

Sidious: State your name.

Smith: Smith. Agent Smith.

(Sidious looks up from his datapad)

Sidious: Is that what you'll be wearing?

Smith: Excuse me?

Sidious: It lacks the . . . flair, that I'd be expecting from a Sith Lord. I mean, sure, you're wearing black, and I do like the protective eye-wear. But, frankly, you dress like my accountant.

(Pause)

Sidous: Well, what can you do? What makes you think that you'll be a valuable employee?

Smith: I can punch through a concrete wall. Men have emptied entire clips at me and hit nothing but air.

Sidious: Well, that's a start.

Smith: I can also replicate myself onto others.

Sidous: Hmm . . . Yes, I could see where that would be useful. I need to be assured of your loyalty.

Smith: Well, in your employ, I would be given purpose. For, you see, without purpose, we would not exist. It is purpose that created us. Purpose that connects us. Purpose that pulls us. That guides us. That drives us. It's purpose that defines us. Purpose that binds us.

Sidious: (yawns) I see how you've decided to deal with my foes. You're going to bore them to death! That slow, dull, monotone! OOM-7, put Smith out of my misery.

OOM-7: Roger, roger!

(OOM-7 unshoulders his blaster, and fires rapidly at Smith, who dodges all the shots quickly and with efficiency of movement. Smith stands upright, cracks his neck and flexes his shoulders, and then draws a lightsaber from a shoulder holster inside his jacket.)

Sidious: Hold! I've changed my mind. I like your style, Smith.

Smith: Thank you.

Sidious: (into comm) Sly Moore, put applicant Smith's resume into the call-back file. (to Smith) You may go now.

(Smith leaves)

Sidious: (into comm) Send in the next applicant.

(Sidious grabs the datapad and studies it. Cleo enters)

Sidious: (looking at datapad) It says here that your name is Miss Cleo.

Cleo: That's right, chile.

(Sidious looks up)

Sidious: By the Sith! I specifically said no Hutts!

Cleo: Now, I be as human as the next applicant!

Sidious: I've seen thinner Ortolans! How do you expect to wield a lightsaber?

Cleo: Well now, chile, I see myself as more of a pacifist, now.

Sidious: Is there anything you're actually good for?

Cleo: Watch as I tell you about your present and future, now, and prepare to be amazed.

Sidious: We'll see.

Cleo: I see you're havin' problems with work, is that right?

(Pause)

Sidious: Charlatan.

Cleo: Now then, chile. Just because you don't believe, doesn't mean you should be callin' me names now.

Sidious: What I believe is that your knowledge in the Force wouldn't be able to fill a thimble!

Cleo: Come now, chile. Give a lady a chance. Now, I'm seein' that the reason you're havin' problems with work is that they don't give you enough responsibility.

(Sidious leans back in his chair and steeples his fingers)

Sidious: You may have something. Go on.

Cleo: You feel you're not bein' given enough power to do your job correctly, chile.

Sidious: Perhaps.

Cleo: I'm also seein' that you work for the government. Is that right now?

(Sidious nods)

Cleo: You're some sort of elected official. Perhaps wit the Galactic Senate.

Sidious: Go on.

Cleo: (gasps) I knew I recognized you, chile! You're that Supreme Chancellor Palpatine!

Sidious: Preposterous!

Cleo: No, I'm right now, aren't I chile? I know it's you!

Sidious: OOM-7, have Miss Cleo taken out back and quietly executed.

OOM-7: Roger, roger!

(OOM-7 escorts Cleo out of the office)

Sidious: (into comm) Sly Moore, send in the next applicant.

(Saruman enters)

Sidious: Your name?

Saruman: Saruman the White.

Sidious: No, that will not do! Saruman the White? Really!

Saruman: Well, I could change my name to Saruman the Black if you'd rather.

Sidious: True . . . but if you'd change your name, why not go further? Let's say . . . Count . . . Dracula?

Saruman: I like the "Count" part. Very aristocratic. The name "Dracula" however . . . sounds like someone with exotic dental work.

(Sidious frowns)

Saruman: Which I'd be willing to get, mind you.

Sidious: No, I believe you're right. Perhaps Count . . . Dooku is more to your liking.

Saruman: Splendid!

Sidious: Or perhaps Count Dooku is what I'll have everyone else call you, but I will call you Darth Tyrannus.

Saruman: Yes, I like that. Tyrannus! Tyranny! Excellent!

Sidious: Now, according to your resume, I see you've had experience breeding an army.

Saruman: Indeed. My formidable fighting Uruk-hai.

Sidious: That could become useful in my future plans. Now, this thing about getting beaten by halflings leading a forest of Ents.

Saruman: Yes, well, I can't say I could have anticipated that.

Sidious: Indeed! The thought of three foot tall teddy bears attacking with a forest and defeating a heavily armed army? Preposterous! I do not see that happening to me!

(Saruman bows)

Sidious: (into comm) Sly Moore. Place Saruman's resume in the call-back folder.

Saruman: Thank you, Lord Sidious.

Sidious: And, in the name of the Sith, trim that beard and hair. You look like a homeless person. Or Jedi Master Oppo Ranciss.

Saruman: Yes, Lord Sidious.

Sidious: Away with you.

(Saruman bows and leaves)

Sidious: (into comm) Send in the next applicant.

(Mumford enters with Snufflupagus)

Sidious: And you are?

Mumford: I am the Amazing Mumford.

Sidious: You can't be serious.

Mumford: Allow me to demonstrate. I can make this big furry elephant disappear.

Snufflupagus: Hello.

Mumford: Now I say the magic words, Ala Peanut Butter Sandwiches!

(Mumford waves his wand and in a puff of smoke, he disappears. Sidious cradles his head in his hands)

Sidious: I believe this is the Force telling me that this will be a long night of freaks and losers.

Snufflupagus: Can I go now?

End