A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Tommy, want to play house?" He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?" The girl replies, "I want you to communicate your feelings." "Communicate my feelings?" said a bewildered Tommy. "I have no idea what that means." The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband." _________________________________________

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it.   God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it.   She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance.   She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you." ________________________________________

A guy goes to a costume shop and says "I'm going to a costume party as Adam and I need a fig leaf." The girl brings out a fig leaf. He says, "Not big enough." She brings out a   bigger one. He says, "Still not big enough." She brings out a huge fig leaf. He says, "Still not big enough." She says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"   _______________________________________

A magician worked on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience was different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table." "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate would have it, the parrot. They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and then another. On the third day, the parrot could not hold back: "OK, I give up. Where's the darn boat?" ________________________________________

A blonde is sitting at home one day when she decides she's sick of hearing all those blonde jokes, so she decides to dye her hair brown. To see if it works, she goes to a farm. She walks up to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?" The farmer kinda chuckles to himself, and then replies, "Sure, why not?" The blonde pulls out a calculator and does a whole bunch of calculus and trig equations and comes up with a number. She says to the farmer, "There are 314 sheep out there." The farmer looks at her with a shocked expression and says, "You're right! Go take your pick". The blonde takes a few minutes to pick a sheep, waves to the farmer, and leaves. She's sitting at home the next day when she hears a knock on her front door. She opens it and finds the farmer standing there, holding his hat. He says to her, "If I can guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?"

A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The Personal Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personal Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day. The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personal Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personal Manager suggested he show him the problem. Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sowing them between Elmo's legs. The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says: "I'm sorry I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles." ________________________________________

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks: "You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?" The old man replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth." The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she asks. The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a wall." _________________________________________

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?" _______________________________________

Little Jimmy was lying in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Jimmy said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds. "Yes, Jimmy. What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Jimmy asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Jimmy could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Jimmy could relate. "A million years to me, Jimmy, is like a minute." "Oh," said Jimmy. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Jimmy, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Jimmy, getting an idea. "You're so generous...can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Jimmy! Just a minute." ______________________________________

A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around    the    block?"     Her mom says, "No, because the dog is in heat."    "What's that mean?" asked the child.    "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."     The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, can I take Susie for a   walk around the block. I asked mom but she said the dog was in heat and    that    should ask you."    Her dad said, "Bring Susie over here."    He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's butt with   it   and said, "OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go one   time   around the block."  The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the    leash.  Her dad said, "Where's Susie?"  The little girl said, "Susie ran out of gas about halfway down        the block   and   there's another dog pushing her home." _______________________________________

An Italian, an Irishman, and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shoveling," and to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies." He then says, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile." So the foreman goes away for a couple hours but, when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replies in a heavy accent, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese a guy was in a charge of supplies, but he a disappeared and I couldn't a find a him." Then the foreman turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel. The Irishman replies in his heavy brogue, "Aye, ye did lad. But I counna get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese guy in chairge of supplies, but I counna fin' him." The foreman is really angry now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy. Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "Supplies!" ______________________________________

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."   "And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"   The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the  Internal Revenue Service and write on the envelope,   "Now you have everything."