its like being slowly crushed. like a ghostly layer of your own being is dying. its as if the room has closed in on you to the point where you take up 100 cubic centimeters and the room only holds 90 or 50 or 5 . depending on how far gone you are. your breathing is shallow. you cant feel your heart beating, and when you close your eyes you cant hear your thourghts or your mind. its like being full of water. a shell of skin filled with blood. im all melted and sad.

but frozen in time ,i take things as they come , i do things as if they have no conseqence. im going insane. the line between right and wrong is dessolving , its just a blurred blob now. soon it will be just one colour. i treat my mental state as a joke.

last night i had a tactical traing dream. i killed the same 6 people in my kitchen. then i left the room , when i came back they were alive again. and i killed them again. this dream looped around for awhile. i dont think it was a good sign.

give me some thing to die for and i will.

maybe i feel hollow , void of matter and spirit

21/12/99