Clinton's speech on Vieques bombing
[with Clinton's thoughts in brackets]

My fellow citizens [you are second-class citizens, really, and I don't really know you or care about you but, hey, Rosselló and his people have raised tons of dough for me and. . .let me get started here], last April there was a tragic accident at the Navy range on Vieques ["there was", that's a good one, sort of like "mistakes were made"]. I deeply regret the loss the family of David Sanes [about ten months too late, but what the hell], and the suffering of others injured on that day [and by the time others are killed or injured, it will no longer be on my watch, so what do I care]. 

That accident ["accident", ha ha] focused attention on the longstanding concerns ["concerns", nice euphemism] of the island about training operations [I won't mention cancer, napalm, depleted uranium, environmental, ecological and public health disasters, constant violations of every agreement and law imaginable, etc.]. It led to a strong view in the Commonwealth that the Navy should end its training on Vieques. I understand why many people feel that way. [I feel your pain, but brace yourself for more years of pain. . .I'll be out of office soon anyway, so deal with Dubya or Al]. At the same time, as Commander in Chief [I hope they don't remember I'm a draft-dodging former liberal], I must do all I can to ensure that our servicemen and women get the very best training possible [At any cost, of course, as long as it doesn't hurt me politically or dry up any financial contributions]. I know you understand that. [Not really, but since I have a bunch of Benedict Arnolds like Rosselló down there, let him try to convince the Ricans that this blank check to the Navy is good for them]. Many Puerto Ricans have served with real distinction in our Armed Forces. You have never turned your back on your duty to share in the defense of our country. [Thank God Rosselló turned his back on Vieques, because now it'll be easier for us to remove those who are defending Vieques in the bombing zone]. 

For more than 50 years, Vieques has been a central part of our training for the Atlantic fleet [Never mind how we occupied it and never mind that we've forced the population to dwindle from 20,000 to 9,400. . .and we wouldn't be going through this mess if that plan to forcibly relocate them to St. Croix had been implemented]. The reason this is such a difficult issue is because right now there are no alternative sites that provide the same combined training opportunities. [Whatever that means. Like we've really looked for "alternative sites". No need to. Romero signed that worthless piece of paper in '83, and now Rosselló agreed to a similar piece of junk in 2000. Rosselló and I have just assured that the Navy will remain in Vieques indefinitely. Who cares about "alternative sites"?] For the past nine months we've [Who's "we"?] been working closely with Governor Rosselló and Resident Commissioner Romero-Barceló [Of course I haven't even met with either one of them. I only told Rosselló over the phone back in November what the deal was and he sent some 'Morey' guy to pretend to negotiate what we'd already reached. They got so cocky that the farse was working that they even went on extended vacations abroad while the people of Puerto Rico remained restless. But the plan worked. And, anyway, let Rosselló deal with the aftermath. After all, we're both lame ducks with bigger things to worry about, like the AIDS Institute case Rosselló keeps complaining about]... to find a solution that meets our training needs [at whatever human costs, hey, possession is 9/10 of the law, even if you break 1,000 laws in the process] and addresses fairly the concerns of the people of Vieques. [Can I really get through this with a straight face?] 

Today, I'm announcing a course of acting [Freudian slip, I meant "action"] that will give the people of Vieques themselves [the fewer people, the less money we need to try to buy them off] the right to determine the future of the island [In a nutshell, do you want some bombing with some money or a lot of bombing with a lot of money? "No more bombs" is off the ballot, or do you really think I'm going to get all democratic here all of a sudden?], while, at the same time, assuring that our training needs are met. [Since, under either scenario, the Navy will remain bombing Vieques indefinitely]. Between later this year and early 2002, the people of Vieques will vote. [Yeah, that's self-determination, only I say who votes, the Navy says when, and I define the options. Man, Rosselló has been a useful fool for me, but even I didn't think he'll go this far!] In that vote, the people of Vieques will be asked to choose between two alternatives. [Slower murder by lethal injection or faster murder by firing squad]. If they choose the first alternative, the Navy will cease all training on Vieques and leave the island by May 1, 2003. [Ha, ha, not in your lifetime!] If they choose the other alternative, training will continue on Vieques on terms that will be presented in detail at least three months before the vote [Man, if I spell out this alternative here, this hard-sell won't work as well. Hell, I'm just investing a couple of minutes taping this crap and in return I'm now cool with the Pentagon, the Navy and the Republican Congress, all in an election year. Not a bad deal!]. I believe this is the best way to resolve the impasse over Vieques [Again, I still can't believe Rosselló so boldfacedly betrayed his people. Then again, those are his people and not mine. . .as much as he pretends he is one of my people] because it gives the people most affected by this decision ["Affected" by this decision is right], the people who actually live on the island [Again, a few thousand people are easier to buy, fool, cheat and cajole than 4 million people] the right to determine for themselves which courses of action we should take [This reminds me of Henry Ford's famous slogan: "You can choose any color of car you want, as long as it's black"]. 

In the meantime, until that vote is held, we're taking several other steps to ensure that our servicemen and women get the training they need, while addressing the needs of Vieques. [Whatever this means. . . I'll just keep on reading this crapola...] First, during the period leading up to the vote, I am ordering the training done on Vieques will be limited to non-explosive ordnance [Hopefully people won't remember that the Navy has admitted that they can be more dangerous than live bombs. Then again, who cares?], meaning there will be no live fire [Right, and no napalm, uranium, Agent Orange. . .Last week the Pentagon and the Navy were adamant that live fire on Vieques was indispensable and non-negotiable and in a couple of days they suddenly changed their mind? Jeez, is this bull gonna fly? Again, do I really care?]. I am also directing the Navy and Marine Corps to cut in half the amount of time they will spend training. [Right...but foreign military forces can continue to use Vieques as they wish. And what court is going to tell the Navy or Marines: 'No, you used up your 90 days. That's it. Now you are going to have to bomb. . .er, oops, I forgot, there's no alternative site that meets our national security neeeds. . . Bombs away, boys!' Does anyone even realized that's what going to happen? Let the next President deal with this.] In 1998, our troops trained for 182 days on Vieques [Who are my bookeper and accountants? Al Capone and Tony Montana?]; this year they will be authorized for 90 days. [So, if they begin bombing in a month or two, they'll get a nice bombs/month ratio this year. How long is it going to take for them to revert to live bombs and all the other chemical stuff? Hmm, I better talk to Cohen. Napalm and uranium before November might hurt Hillary in New York. I'll see if I can hold them off 'till after the election]. Second, to address the problems caused by past training [Like you can bring back the dead. Like there's a cure for cancer.], we will implement measures to meet the health, safety, environmental and economic concerns of the people of Vieques. [Again, "meet concerns". I love euphemisms!] Measures we will implement include positioning Navy ships to reduce noise [or passing out earplugs, whichever is cheaper for us]; development of a new ferry pier and terminal [Didn't we promise that a while ago?]; creating a new commercial fishing area ["Toxic Fish Area" has a nice ring to it]; temporary compensation for fishermen [You bring us a dead fish, prove to us how you were going to catch it, prove that it died because of the Navy, and then we'll talk]; expanding and improving roads [Again this is an old promise. But people forget]; a bioluminescent bay preservation program [The bull is piling on, but I have to go on here]; a job-training program for young people ["If there were jobs in Vieques, here's what you would do. . ."]; providing land to extend the airport runway [Wow! Call me Santa Claus!]; and a public health service study [Conducted by Dr. Kevorkian?]. Third, I will also ask Congress [The same Republican Congress who hates my guts and impeached my ass] to begin transferring title to land on the western quarter of the island to Puerto Rico. [When hell freezes over]. In the event that the residents of Vieques vote to continue training on the island, in recognition [What's this, an award show?] of the burden such training places on the community ["Bombs" are to "burden" what "Cancer" is to "inconvenience"], we will increase the investment we make to meet infrastructure and development needs. [I could have saved a lot of words by just saying "We are pretty much talking about Prostitution here."] In the event that they vote for an end to training, we will dispose of the land through the normal federal process [Normal federal process, what an oxymoron! Do they realize that even if this were to happen, the land will go to the Federal Government. Again, let them read the fine print]. 

To make this solution work I need your help [Translation: "Any more traitors out there?"]. I understand the deeply held views people have on this issue. [Again, I feel your pain, but brace yourself for more years of pain. . .I'll be out of office soon anyway, so deal with Dubya or Al]. I understand that for many residents the accident exacerbated old wounds about the effect the training was having on your quality of life [Death, injuries, cancer, toxics, chemicals, poverty, unemployment, disregard, betrayals, abuse, bombs, equal: "Effect on your quality of life". "Can you not abuse me and bomb my land, you are "affecting my quality of life"? Ha ha! Ain't it grand being the President!] They reflect a distrust that, unfortunately, has been building for decades. [It was built long ago, and this crap will only add to it]. As a Defense Department panel found, we have not always been good neighbors on Vieques [Neighbors? Yeah, the Manson Family weren't "good neighbors", and John Wayne Gacy wasn't a "good" clown either]. But I believe this plan will help resolve the impasse over Vieques in the fairest possible way [Resolving the impasse = Getting the protesters out and going back to the good old days of bombing], because it gives the people most affected ["Affected" is right] by the decision the ability to choose for themselves what the future of their island will be [That is, do you want some bombing with some money or a lot of bombing with a lot of money? "No more bombs" is off the ballot. Or do you really believe all this "right to self-determination" bull I keep talking about?]. 

I hope I can count on the cooperation of all the people of Puerto Rico [Please, we need more traitors!] to implement the measure I have outlined to allow the training of our troops to continue in a responsible [Is this going too far, "responsible" bombing, abuse, etc....Who cares? I''m almost done here] and much more limited manner during this period while addressing the long-time concerns of the residents of La Isle Nena ["I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky"...I've become a master at this!] I want to thank Governor Rosselló for his unceasing effort to work out a resolution to this difficult impasse [I haven't met with him since the days of the Young Bill. I hope he doesn't notice that I said "effort to work" rather than "work". . .you can only BS so much. I do have to give him credit for sustaining the facade for so long]. Puerto Ricans and the people of Vieques have contributed greatly to our nation's security [Cannon fodder and sitting ducks, if you ask me]; I am very grateful for that [I dodged the draft while you Ricans fought for us]. And I hope all of us can work together with our Congress [Those no-good impeaching bastards. They're going to laugh any pro-Vieques initiative I propose right out of the Capitol] and with the government and Governor of Puerto Rico to implement this plan. [Yeah, work on "implementing this plan". Meanwhile, we'll keep on bombing. Good luck]. 

Thank you [Rossello, for being such a great pretender and masterful traitor] and God bless you [Yes, start praying to God, Vieques].