I guess I’ve felt all different kinds of love, but have never really felt loved. I’ve always felt that love, like everything else, came with a price. This is really hard for me to put into words. I’m afraid it isn’t making much sense.

I think little children learn love from the moment they’re born. Usually this first love is the love of their parents. If your parents don’t love you, and make it pretty clear that you’re not much more than an imperfect nuisance, how do you learn it?

Then, sometime later, romantic love is supposed to come along. I guess I felt it for a little while - the excitement of courtship, the bouquets of roses. But, when it came to physical love, I have never been able to fully enjoy it. I think I’ve just been hurt too soon and too often. If a child learns the physical aspects of love when they are only about four, it’s awfully hard to enjoy the same kind of caress when you’re twenty-four.

I don’t really think I’m worthy of love. I guess I see myself as someone who is unloveable. I’m not smart enough, pretty enough, talented enough to be loved. I’ve always tried so hard to be perfect, but found out that this is impossible. All I can be is the best me I can be, and this me isn’t worthy of being loved.

The bible says "the greatest of these is love." Well, I don’t doubt that it is great. I just wish I could feel it. I wish I could feel the kind of unconditional love I tried so hard to give to my children. I wish someone could really love me in spite of my weaknesses and imperfections. I wish someone could love me and not hurt me or betray me. I guess we all have to start somewhere, and trusting.