A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower. He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well. Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." And she, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy!" so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures, "What the heck..." and gives up. He pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says, "Listen Mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go." The man thought for a moment and said..."Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were trying to bring her back to me!"

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how attractive and shapely the housekeeper was. Over the course of the evening, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the housekeeper than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, my relationship with my housekeeper is purely professional." About a week later, the housekeeper came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner." Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which said, "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with your housekeeper, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with your housekeeper. But the fact remains that if you were sleeping in your own bed, you would have found the gravy ladle by now." Love, Mom

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him.  He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side  of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty  excited.  He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a  virgin and wants to stay that way.  "Well, OK," he says, "how a bout a blow job?" "EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says.  "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your  brother with it?"  She nods.  "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it.  A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, snot starts to run out of his nose, wax  blows out of his ear and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out. "TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"

A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric." The husband replied, "How about a chair?!?"

An old cowboy dressed to kill with cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs, and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink. As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, "Are you a real cowboy?" He replied, "Well I have spent my whole life on the ranch herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am." After a short while he asked her what she was. She replied, "I've never been on a ranch so I'm not a cowboy, But I am a Lesbian." I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women. I think of women when I eat, shower, watch TV. Everything makes me think of women." A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink. A couple sat down next to him and asked "Are you a real cowboy?" To which he replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian!"

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."          "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."          "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."          "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"          And they two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.          "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!"

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?" The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry." Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?" He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward. Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th. By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music. "Don't you get it?" the caretaker says incredulously. "He's decomposing!"

One day, a young man goes to apply for a sales job at a major department store. He tells the sales manager that he doesn't really have any experience, but he is willing to try his hardest to learn. The manager likes his attitude and decides to give the guy a chance. At the close of business the next day, the sales manager decides to stop in to see how the kid is doing on his first day. He asks, "How many sales did you have today?" The salesman answers, "One." "How come only one," asks the manager. "Most of my salesman have 20-30 per day! How much was the one sale you made?" The salesman answers, "$333,344.00" "WHAT!?! What did you sell?" "Well, a guy wanted a small fishing hook, so I sold him a medium fishing hook, then I sold him a large fishing hook. Then he needed a rod, so I sold him a light action rod, the upgrade to a medium action rod, and then changed it to a fully balanced combo. Then I told him he was going to need a boat, so I took him to the boating department and sold him a 14-foot motor boat, then upgraded him to a 20-foot cabin cruiser. Then I told him that his Volkswagen wouldn't be able to tow the boat, so I took him to the car department and sold him a sport utility vehicle." "A guy came in for a fishing hook and you managed to sell him all of that?" asked the manager. "No, he came in for a box of tampons, and I said 'Hell, your weekend is shot anyway, why not do some fishing?'

One day a blond comes home early and catches her boyfriend with a red-head. Immediately she pulls a gun from her purse. The boyfriend is panic-stricken until he sees that she is going to use it on herself then he relaxes and starts to smile. "Wipe that smile off your face," retorts the blond, "cause you're next!!"

A lady goes into the local sporting goods store to buy a fishing rod to give to her husband for his birthday. A salesman wearing dark glasses with a dog is behind the counter and asks, "Can I help you ma'am?" "Well, I'd like to buy a fishing rod, can you tell me about this one?" The salesman replies, "I'm sorry ma'am but I am blind and cannot see the rod your referring to. However, if you'll drop it on the counter, I'll tell you all about it as I can tell from the sound it makes." The lady picks up the rod and does what he says and drops it on the Counter. He says, "That's a Zebco 2500, fiberglass, 6.5', medium action - $15." Lady - "Wow!" She finds another and does the same. "That's an Orion 35C, graphite, 6', light action - best used with ultra light tackle - $20." Very impressed the lady decides to buy the second one. As the man is ringing up the sale the lady rips a big smelly Fart but feels no need to apologize as the salesman is blind and has no idea who she is. Salesman says, "That'll be $25." "TWENTY FIVE DOLLARS!?   BUT YOU SAID $20??!!" "That's right ma'am, $20 for the rod, $3 for the duck call and $2 for the stink bait."

The Penguin Joke" ... A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil pressure light is on in his rental car. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. So he drives to the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He sees an ice cream shop, enters it, and orders a big dish of vanilla ice cream. Having no hands, he really makes a mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says "Well, it looks like you blew a seal." "No, no," the penguin replies, "It's just vanilla ice cream."

More and more doctors are running their practices like an assembly line. One fellow walked into a doctor's surgery and the receptionist asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she took down his height, weight, a complete medical history, and told him to wait in an examining room. A half hour later a nurse came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." So she gave him a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, told him to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor. An hour later the doctor came in and asked him what he had. He said, "Shingles." "Where?" asked the doctor. He said, "Outside in the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?"

A woman went into a pet shop to buy her husband a pet. After looking around she realized that all the pets there were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. "I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive", she said. "Well,"said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50. Would you like to see it?" $50? For a Frog?" asked the woman. The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs." Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so, she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided to buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, the husband was a bit skeptical, but said he'd try it out for sure that night. The woman went to bed that night relieved knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning, she woke up to hear pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen, she saw her husband and the frog, sitting at the kitchen table like best buddies, looking through cookbooks. "What are you two doing, looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman. The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here!"

DALE EARNHART JEFF GORDON AND MARK MARTIN ALL WENT OUT TO THE LAKE FOR A DAY OF FISHIN ONCE THEY GOT OUT TO WHERE THEY WANTED TO TRY THEIR LUCK DALE NOTICED THAT IN THEIR HASTE TO START FISHING THEY HAD PLUM FORGOT TO BRING THEIR POLES DALE SAYS DAMN.....IM NOT GOING BACK WITHOUT ANY FISH.....SO HE PULLS OFF HIS PANTS AND THROWS HIS MANHOOD OVER INTO THE WATER TO EVERYONES DISMAY HE PULLS IN A 3LB BASS....HE TAKES THE FISH FROM HIS MEMBER POKES ITS EYES OUT AND TOSSES IT IN THE COOLER NOT TO BE OUTDONE JEFF DROPS HIS TROUSERS AND LETS HIS MANHOOD DROP INTO THE WATER SOON HE IS PULLING IN A 6LB BASS.....HE WITHDRAWLS FROM THE FISH POKES ITS EYES OUT AND TOSSES HIS CATCH IN THE COOLER NOW THEY BOTH TURN TO MARK MARTIN AND ASK HIM IF HE WOULD LIKE TO TRY HIS LUCK.......MARK TURNS REDFACED AND FINALLY ANSWERS SURE BUT YOU HAVE TO PROMISE NOT TO POKE MY EYES OUT....!

A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he went to the market looking for a rooster. He was hoping he could get a special rooster - one that service all of his many hens and when he told this to the market vendor, the vendor replied: "I have just the rooster for you". "Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever see!" So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said, "I'm counting on you to do your stuff". And without a word, he strutted into the henhouse. Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished having his way with each hen. But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and still at the same frantic pace. Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the same. The farmer, watching all of this with disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each farm animal in the same manner. Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling above Randy. The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh" Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way." The doctor told him, "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries and goes on their honeymoon. That night in the motel room she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them. She said, "You're the first, no one has ever touched these breasts." He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!

A man walks into a tattoo parlor and tells the man that he wants a 100 dollar bill tattooed on his penis. The owner said OK but wanted to know why. The man said I have 3 reasons, first I like to play with my money, second I like to watch my money grow, and third when my wife wants to blow a hundred bucks we never have to leave the house.

A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug called "Viagra" that might do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and come back in the morning and tell her what happened. The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the same thing happens: the woman comes in telling the therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband the rest of the bottle of "Viagra". The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle of pills in the husband's morning coffee. A month later, a young boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the doctor who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" "Well, mom's in a coma, my sister's pregnant, my Butt hurts, and Dad's sitting in the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..."

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting," thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person." Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to him for the flight. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to the Pontiff. Shortly after take-off, the Pope began a crossword puzzle. "This is fantastic," thought the gentleman. "I'm really good at crosswords. Perhaps, if the Pope gets stuck, he'll ask me for assistance." Almost immediately, the Pope turned to the gentleman and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?" Only one word leapt to mind ... "My goodness," thought the gentleman, "I can't tell the Pope that. There must be another word." The gentleman thought for quite a while, then it hit him. Turning to the pope, the gentleman said, "I think the word you're looking for is 'aunt'." "Of course," said the Pope. "Do you have an eraser?"

"Similarities between Nixon and Clinton" Nixon:   Watergate Clinton: Waterbed Nixon:     His biggest fear - the Cold War Clinton: His biggest fear - a Cold Sore Nixon:     Worried about carpet bombs Clinton: Worried about carpet burns Nixon:     His Vice President was a Greek Clinton: His Vice President is a geek Nixon:     Couldn't stop Kissinger Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her Nixon:     Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tape Clinton: Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief case Nixon:     His nickname was Tricky Dick Clinton: same Nixon:     Ex-President Clinton: Sex-President Nixon:     Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One" Clinton: Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!" Nixon:     Famous for his widow's peak Clinton: Famous for bringing widows to their peak Nixon:   Well acquainted with G. Gordon Liddy Clinton: Well acquainted with the G Spot Nixon:     Took on Ho Chi Minh Clinton: Took on Ho Nixon:     Talked about achieving peace with honor Clinton: Talked about getting a piece while on her

Two ship captains were sitting at the ,bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, "You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they're fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it's a wonder any work is getting done, and it's making a mess all over the ship. I don't know what to do!" The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion. "Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams, then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold." "Well that's a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I'm out a bag of gold every trip!" "Not so," replied the other captain. "After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time." The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend's advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. 'This is great,' thought the captain, 'before long, I'll be able to buy a new boat!' This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out "What's the meaning of this?!"  Replied the cop. "Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?" "Sure," said the captain. "What about 'em?!" "Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!"

President French-Fry was out jogging when a Hooker standing on the corner hailed him. "Hey Mr. President! Fifty bucks!" "No, no." Bill replied with a grin, "Five bucks!" and kept on jogging. This exchange soon became a part of the President's normal routine. Each    day as he'd approach the corner, the hooker would yell out, "Hey Mr. President... Fifty Bucks!" and Bill would holler back, "No, Five Bucks!" Well, one day, Hillary decided she wanted to go jogging with Bill. As they neared the corner, Bill suddenly realized what a    terrible scene was about to happen. Sure enough, there was the hooker, and just like all the other times she smiled and waved and   yelled out, "Hey Mr. President......See what you get for Five Bucks!"

'Twas a Night Before Crisis" 'Twas the night before crisis, And behind White House doors, Not a creature was stirring, Especially Al Gore. The interns were nestled, Dressed in their berets, In hopes that Saint Bubba Would come out to play. When on the East Lawn, There arose such a clatter, Even Sam Donaldson Lost control of his bladder. Away to our TVs We flew like a flash, There's a special report, And it's pre-emptying M*A*S*H! And what to our wondering Eyes should appear, But a homely lil' troll, With tapes for us to hear. With a K-Mart bought blazer, And a bad frizzy 'do, And a tale to be told-- To me, and to you. On the chair! On the carpet! On the Oval Office desk! With a chubby young intern, Who was all eyes and chest. The Pres had been careless, Indeed, dumb and dumber. Now the whole world knew Bubba had gotten a hummer. And Monica Lewinsky Emerged from the rubble, If she'd just kept her mouth shut, We'd not have all this trouble. And thus set in motion, A whole web o' spiders, With pundits galore, And "White House insiders." You ask, "Who would care About Bill and his penis?" Republican Ken Starr, And he's armed with subpoenas! More rapid than eagles, Process servers, they flew! "Here's one for you! And for you! And you, too!" "Now Jordan! Now Graham! Is there anyone else?!? Let's subpoena the lawyers! And Bubba himself!!" "We want you to tell us About Bill's private life, And anyone he sleeps with, 'cept, of course, his wife." And many months later, After long we've all suffered, Let's examine more closely Just what Starr's uncovered. We've learned "Little Bill" Has a mind of his own, And-horror of horrors- He likes to get blown! A funny fact surfaced, After 40 million bucks: Seems most people don't care Just who Clinton, er, makes love to. The economy's great, And shows no signs of slowing. Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky NEVER stops blowing! Now the public's grown weary. Will this sleaze never end? We just want to get back To "E.R.", and to "Friends." Now Monica, Linda -- And Ken Starr, you all suck- Get the hell off my TV, Your 15 minutes are up.

"Doing Laundry" A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious to consummate the marriage because they were both virgins. They had saved themselves for the right partner and for marriage. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "making love" or "having sex." This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They both had many years of pent up sexual frustration to expend so they "did the laundry" no less than 5 times that first night, and finally fell asleep together completely exhausted. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired, and all of this new abrasive activity had taken its toll on her body. She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. Her new husband had saved himself for her for many years. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again. She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want," and he replied, "That's ok... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except for Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on rainy days. So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your laundry is never out?" "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's going to be a great day, and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women. "Honey," says Sophie, "On a day like that, you just don't do the laundry!"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.           During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.           As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.           As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.           "No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

There was this old couple getting ready to celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary. The old man went out shopping to find a really nice present for his wife. When he returned home, he found his wife standing on her head naked. For the life of him, he could not figure out what in the hell she was doing, so he asked, "Honey...what in God's name are you doing naked, standing on your head??" "Well dear," she replied, "it is our 50th anniversary, and I was feeling kind of romantic...we are getting old, and I figured since you can't get it up anymore, you might as well drop it in."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles...the salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?". He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

The day finally arrived: Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the gatekeeper. Saint Peter says, "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must inform you that the place is filling up fast, and we've been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The tests are fairly short, but you need to pass before you can get into Heaven." Forest responds, "It shore is good to be here St. Peter. I was looking forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exams. Sure hope the test ain't too hard; life was a big enough test as it was." St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know Forest. But, the test I have for you is only three questions. Here is the first: What days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? Third, what is God's first name?" Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves him up and asks, "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers." Forest says, "Well, the first one, -how many days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Shucks, that one's easy; that'd be Today and Tomorrow!" The saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Forest! That's not what I was thinking, but ... you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify, so I give you credit for that answer." "How about the next one" says St. Peter, "how many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's harder," says Forest. "But, I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer can be twelve." Astounded, St. Peter says, "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says, "Shucks, there gotta be twelve: January second, February second, March second....." "Hold it," interrupts St., Peter. "I see where you're going with it. And I guess I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give you credit for that one too." "Let's go on with the next and final question," says St. Peter, "Can you tell me God's first name?" Forest says, "Well shore, I know God's first name. Everbody probably knows it. It's Howard." "Howard?" asks St. Peter. "What makes you think it's 'Howard'?" Forest answers, "It's in the prayer." "The prayer?" asks St. Peter, "Which prayer?" "The Lord's Prayer," responds Forest: "Our Father, who art in heaven, Howard be thy name...."

An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!" They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished. He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life? The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."

After hearing a couple's complaints that their intimate life wasn't what It used to be, the sex counselor suggested they vary their position. "For example," he suggested, "you might try the wheelbarrow. Lift her legs, penetrate, and off you go." The eager husband was all for trying this new idea as soon as they got home. "Well, OK," the hesitant wife agreed, "but on two conditions. First, if it hurts, you will stop right away. And second," she insisted, "you have to promise we won't go past my mother's."

"Where am I? How did I get here? Why does my head hurt?" "You're in a hospital, sir. I'm with the police. We weren't sure you were going to wake up. You had a golf club wrapped around your neck. Just tell us everything you remember." "Well, I was teaching my wife golf. Of course, I won every hole. But on the little par 3, 17th hole, we both hit right to the green, and we both putted right to the pin. When I walked to the flag, I saw one putt had overshot, but the other ball had apparently sunk. I didn't know whose it was, so I pulled the flag, looked in, saw it was her Spaulding in there, and I said, "Looks like your hole, dear. "That was the last thing I remember.

A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a girl hitchhiker wearing REALLY short shorts.  "Say, What's your name, mister?" she inquired, after she climbed up in the truck.  "It's Snow----Roy Snow," he answered, "and what's yours?"  "Me, I'm June----June Hansen," she said.  After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"  "Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered, ....having eight inches of Snow in June?"

There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs. She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't believe her, so she went to get a second opinion. The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said "Please help me. This itch is killing me and I know that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin". The doctor checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

A tall man was in the boys room taking a piss. A short guy, about knee high comes in and pulls up a stool, and starts taking a piss. The tall guy keeps looking over his shoulder. The little guy says, "what the hell are you looking at?" The tall guy says "Well, for you being such a short little guy, you have an awfully big pecker on you!" "Well," says the short guy, "you see, I am a leprechaun, and I can have anything I want!" "A leprechaun, you say? That means you can give me any wish that I want?!" "Well, you see, I am a gay leprechaun, I want a favor in return!" says the short guy. After a while of thinking the tall guy says, "Alright then.. I want a million dollars, a brand new mansion, and 2 brand new Porsches!" "Fine!" says the short guy, "its all yours! Now I want you to pull your pants down, bend over and grab your ankles!" So, the guy does it, and the short guy climbs back up on the stool, and really gives it to him! The guy is just moaning. The short guy says, "So tell me, What is your name?" The tall guy moans, and stomping his feet, he says, "My name is Bruce....." "Bruce? How old are you?" asks the short guy. Stomping his feet even harder, he moans, "I'm 32!" The short guy says, "Bruce? You are 32 and you still believe in Leprechauns?!"

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN A man is driving up a steep, narrow, mountain road.   A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

A lady walks into this diner, sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger. The huge woman behind the counter bellows, "One burger!" Ed the cook, who's even bigger and more disgusting,, screams, "Bur-ger!" whereupon he grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill. The lady says, "That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen." The waitress replies, "Oh yeah? That's nothing. You should be here in the morning when he makes the doughnuts."

Two guys go hunting. Jerry has never gone hunting while Joe has hunted all his life. When they get to the woods, Joe tells Jerry to sit by a tree and not make a sound while Joe checks out a deer stand. After he gets about a quarter of a mile away, Joe hears a blood-curdling scream. He rushes back to Jerry and yells, "I thought I told you to be quiet!"  Jerry says, "Hey, I tried. I really did. When those snakes crawled over me, I didn't make a sound. When that bear was breathing down my neck, I didn't make a peep. But when those two chipmunks crawled up my pants leg and said, 'Should we take them with us or eat them here?' I couldn't keep quiet any more!"

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him. As he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says,"Ma'm, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster,looks him square in the eye, and says"Ok, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens.....Look at what it did to me." The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster pleads, "Aw, c'mon......just let me have the two hens over in the corner. I won't bother you." "No way! Scram! Beat it! You're all washed up! I'm taking over!" So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young one, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets the domain of the chicken coop." The young one agrees to the race saying, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm going to give you a head start." They line up in the back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old one. The farmer, who is sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and boom! He blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"

It's Harold's first day in the carpool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out. He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him. He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the snatch, runs back down the walk and hops in the car. They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Burnett, the driver, can't stand it. Burnett asks, "Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?" Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

There was a horrible automobile crash and the driver of the car lay on the side of the road dying. A passerby said to him kindly, "why don't you say a prayer?" "I don't know any," said the stricken man. "Haven't you had any contact with religion?" "As a boy we used to live next to a Catholic Church!" "That's it!" said the well-wisher. "Just repeat what you heard in the church!" "Okay," said the injured man. "B-10, I-25!" "BINGO!"

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie? "I certainly do," screamed the wife, "the undertaker."

This guy and his wife are driving down a road on a very cold and snowy night arguing when they spot a skunk on the side of the road. The wife says, "Stop, that poor little skunk is going to freeze to death". So the husband stops, and gets out of the car, and gets the skunk so that he can bring the animal back to the car and let it warm up. After getting back in the car with the skunk, he hands the skunk to his wife. After sitting there for a couple of minutes, the wife says, "Oh the poor little thing is freezing!" So the husband says to her, "Well... put it between your legs and warm it up." The wife thinks about it for a second and says, "But it stinks!" The husband replies, "Ok, then hold it's little nose!"

A woman who had been married twice and divorced twice was fed up. Her first husband beat her, and her second husband ran away with another woman. Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually, so she put an ad in the classifieds: Wanted: A good looking, single guy who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is good in bed. About a week later, her doorbell rings. She opens the door to find a man with no arms and legs on her front porch. "I'm here about your ad," he says. "You must be mistaken," she says. "Let me explain," he says. "I can't beat you, I don't have any arms. And I can't run away, because I don't have any legs." "But," she asks, "How do I know you're good in bed?" "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

There are three guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts: "I've #*$%ed your mom!" The three guys look bewildered as man bellies back up to the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back. "Your mom's sucked my &%#*!" Same thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces, "I've had your mom up the @*$!" The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and shouts, "Look, Dad, you're drunk, go home!!!!!"

What's the difference between a Yankee zoo and a Southern zoo? A Yankee zoo will just have the name of the animal but, a Southern zoo will have the name of the animal... and a recipe.

This page has been visited times.