Angel...

I often say that name to myself in a whisper that seems to echo in the silence of the night. That one single word that causes pain to rise from my heart and tears to fill my eyes. Memories of his love and my love for him, that seem so ancient to this day, clash with new ones made of his hate against me and that which sprung from mine against him.

Although I know it is but that alternate self that I hate, I cannot help but still see the golden heart of that which use to be dominate in his image. They are the same, yet they are different, and how can this be? The same image shared, but two differing feelings of heart I have for something one in the same. My mind is clouded with battling memories and heartache of two types, each worse and worse by day and by night. I long to understand, but such knowledge I have yet to find.

Angelus...Angel...

Two names, two souls, two hearts, contained in but one form. In my mind, I can separate the two, but in my heart I see them still as one. A change so sudden that it made me stumble and fall. And as I fell into the darkest depths I wondered how I could live without you. In time, my lost self was found, but my lost heart forever gone.

He's not the same guy you knew...

They all say to me that he isn't the same and that the one I love is gone, but I cannot accept such words. He is not gone and shall never be gone. I have accepted that not in bodily vessel shall find his heart, but within me he lives. Within my heart he dwells, and within all that is myself, he shall survive.