In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10 years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to the priest.

The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, but said nothing.

Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

A guy is driving along the freeway in Los Angeles, and as he reaches downtown, he finds himself in the middle of a massive traffic jam that is blocking up five different freeways and sending lines of cars back for miles in all directions.

After a while, he notices a guy walking from car to car down the freeway ,stopping and talking to people through their car windows. When the guyreaches him he rolls down his window and says, "Hey! What's causing all this delay?"

The guy on the freeway says, "Well, you're not going to believe this, but O.J. Simpson has sat down in the middle of the freeway up there, and he'stotally distraught, and he says there's no way he can ever pay the $35 million he owes the Goldmans and the Browns, and so he's threatened to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire if people don't give enough money sufficient to cover the cost of the judgment. So I've taken up a collection to try to end the traffic jam."

"How much have you gotten so far."

"About ten gallons."

This lady always wanted an expensive car -- a status symbol to drive around and be seen in. She scrimps and saves, goes to the dealer, and plops down several years income for a brand new state-of-the-art, computer enhanced, dream mobile.

She's driving off. Decides she wants some music and searches for the radio. The dashboard looks like a control panel at NASA. She fiddles with this button, that gizmo... jiggles these and those, but finally gives up. Can't find the darned thing.

Furious, she races back to the dealership and screams at the salesman. Tells him they forgot to install the radio.

He assures her it's right there in front of her. It's hooked into the onboard computer. All she has to do is tell it what she wants. He demonstrates: "Classical", he says.

*click*

The car fills with the sounds of Paganini.

"Blues", he says, and *click* a B.B. King classic plays.

She drives off amazed. "Country", she says, and *click* a Garth Brooks tune comes on. "Folk" *click* Joan Baez sings about the night they drove ol' Dixie down. "New Age" *click* Yanni at the Acropolis snaps on. She's so captivated by this new toy that she isn't paying much attention to the road. Another driver runs a light and cuts her off.

"YOU STUPID IDIOT!!!" she screams.

*click*

"Hello, You're listening to the Larry King Show"

Three Blondes died and are at the pearly gates of Heaven. St. Peter tells them that they can enter the gates if they can answer one simple question. He then asks the first Blonde, "What is Easter?" The Blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey, and is thankful." "Wrong!" replies St. Peter, and proceeds to ask the second Blonde the same question, "What is Easter?" The second Blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus." St. Peter looks at the second Blonde, shakes his head in disgust, tells her she's wrong, and then peers over his glasses at the third Blonde and asks, "What is Easter?" The third Blonde smiles confidently and looks St. Peter in the eye, "I know what Easter is." "Oh?" says St. Peter, incredulously. "Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the Last Supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified, and he was made to wear a crown of thorns, hung on a cross with nails through his hands, and stabbed in the side. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder." St. Peter smiles broadly with delight.The third blonde continues, "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out, and if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter!"

The Americans and Russians at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world.

One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.

The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man. The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of Course," replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!," the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?," he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

A lady is walking down the street to work and she see's a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her,"Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?".

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,

In an awed whispering voice the child answered,

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,

A little boy needed $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray to God for it. He prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing turned up. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they opened it and decided to send it to the President [no flames please!]. The President was so impressed, touched and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy $5.00. He thought $5.00 would be lot of money to the little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you letter to God, which read as follows:

Reason #173 to fear technology...
 
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 Mr. Ascii does the Macarena.