1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that you should get some rest.
2. You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up.
3. Trees begin chasing you.
4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
7. You and Reality file for a divorce.
8. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
9. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
10. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest of the night.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Hand me that....uh....that uh....thingie.
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
Darn, there go the lights again...
Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off..
What's this doing here?
I hate it when they're missing stuff in here..
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.
Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all.
Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change.....!
Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
She's gonna blow! Everybody take cover!!!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out now!!
Darn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on describing the sound to others.
9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does this taste funny to you?"
8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."
7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."
6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"
5. Deny the existence of chemicals.
4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says exactly the way he/she says it.
3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.
2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is about to pour the sulfuric acid
1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an interest in federal buildings.
12. 'Blood of Christ' switched from red wine to keg beer.
11. Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning: cold!
10. Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
9. New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
7. Paul's Letter to the Romans becomes:
6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
5. The place where the end of the world occurs:
4. Out go the mules; In come the mountain bikes.
3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
1.The mouse is referred to as a "critter."
2.The keyboard is camouflaged.
3.There is a skoal can in the CD-ROM drive.
4.There is a gunrack mounted on the CPU.
5.The password is, "bubba."
6.The numeric keypad only goes up to six.
7.Nothing on this line but the number 7 again to prove I ain't no redneck.
8.Windows 95 has a Dale Earnhardt sticker on it.
9.Outgoing faxes have beerstains on them.
10.The printer goes really slow since Bubba don't read too fast.
11.The extra RAM slots have Dodge truck parts installed in them.
12.The menus all have Budweiser, Black Label, and Old Milwaukee options.
13.Jeff Foxworthy *.wavs.
14.The monitor is up on blocks.
15.Seven blue tick hounds under the desk.
16.Deer jerky in the desk drawer.
17.The screen saver consists of pictures of Ned Beatty with Dueling Banjos playing in the background.
18.The six front keys have rotted out.
19.John Deere Pocket Protectors.
1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty bag and some duct tape
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or "Git" instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel"
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!" and "Roll Tide"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be "Sweet Home Alabama" followed by an introduction from Hank Williams (Senior), Elvis Presley, and Paul "Bear" Bryant
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul D-"
11. Winders 95 Logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
14. Four words: Daisy Duke Screen Saver
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates
18. Direct link to the WWW (World Wide Wrestling) Home Page
19. "Where's Waldo?" would be replaced with "Where's Elvis?"
1. Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.
2. Hey folks, were going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.
3. Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airlines new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.
4. Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!
5. ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)
6. (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....
7. I'm sure everyone's noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now. (ironic note: this is actually true for prop aircraft!)
8. Fasten your seatbelt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car)
9. This is your Captain speaking....these darn planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to..so you'll have to give me some leeway......
10. It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.
11. We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and... Oh no...
12. Don't worry that one is always on E...
13. Get the parachutes ready...
14. Drinks are on me...or I'll have what the Captain's having...
"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."
"This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about in that time-management course you sent me to."
"I was working smarter - not harder."
"Whew! I musta left the top off the liquid paper."
"Oh, I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on our mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!"
"This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!"
"I was testing the keyboard for drool-resistance."
"I was trying to remember where that difficult "Z" Key was, and now it is indelibly imprinted on my brain, or at least my forehead."
"I'm in the management training program."
"I'm actually doing a 'Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan'(SLEEP) I learned at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend."
"This is in exchange for the six hours last night when I dreamed about work!"
"I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?"
"Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."
"Uh, hey, whaddaya expect... the coffee machine is broken..."
"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong pot."
"Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off!"
"Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!"
"I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands."
"The mailman flipped out and pulled a gun so I was playing dead to avoid getting shot."
"Geez, I thought you (the boss) were gone for the day."
16> Doves released during opening ceremonies are promptly shot by the crowd and sold as concession snacks.
15> Little Rock's most famous strip club, "Peek-a-Boo Street", forced to change its name.
14> In an amazing coincidence, every proposed Olympic venue turns out to be owned by Hillary Clinton.
13> The Big Event? The 100m Sisterchase.
12> No snow + No ice = Skiing through 10 inches of grits and skating on fresh bacon fat.
11> Instead of shooting at boring targets, biathletes take aim at muskrats and ATF agents.
10> Olympic officials attempt to pass off LeAnn Rimes' frantic yodeling as a medley of all the different national anthems, "includin' all them new Russian ones!"
9> Metal detectors replaced with ringworm detectors.
8> Teary-eyed awe of seeing Olympic Flame burn is replaced by teary-eyed *hyucks* of seeing Vern light his own gas.
7> Urine drug test magically transformed into "Distance Pissing Competition."
6> Olympic Village replaced with Olympic Trailer Park.
5> Awards of gold, silver and bronze medals replaced by awards of gold, silver and bronze teeth.
4> Curling now merely one part of the "Big Hair" competition.
3> Opening Ceremony reduced to Roger Clinton with a Skynyrd tape and a trunk full of bottle rockets.
2> Hometown favorites falter in ice skating competitions due to all them extra toes.
1> Two words: Billy Bobsledding
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 150%, dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all of your checks, write "for sensual massage".
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up".
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think".
6. Practice making fax and modem noises.
7. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
8. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy".
9. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
10. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green and insist to others that you "like it that way".
11. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
12. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
13. Ask people what gender they are.
14. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
15. Sing along at an opera.
16. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
17. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about psychological profiles".
18. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
10: Day one: Start an official sounding rumor about your boss being considered for a big promotion. Day two: Spread a rumor that the promotion involves your boss heading up a new facility in Bosnia.
9: Whenever a co-worker asks if you want coffee, say, "No thanks, it doesn't mix well with thorazine."
8: Attach 10 or so bottles of white-out to the inside of your suit jacket. Every time you pass a co-worker, surreptitiously open your jacket and whisper, 'I got white-out here; three bucks a pop; good quality stuff; who needs white-out?'
5: Secretly replace the coffee your boss usually drinks with new Folger's Crystals.
4: Keep a tally of what your boss wears on 'casual' Friday. When you see a pattern develop, distribute the tally to co-workers and start a weekly pool.
3: Dress like a pirate for the office halloween party. Dress like a pirate every other day of the year as well.
2: Sign up your boss as a volunteer for Junior Achievement, Save The Children Foundation, Keep America Beautiful, the local branch of the Seventh Day Adventist Church, UNICEF, Hands Across America, Points of Light Foundation, and the kicker, AARP.
1: Set everyone's desk and PC clock ahead one hour and go home early.
1. Bifocals Barbie. Comes with her own set of blended-lens fashion frames in six wild colors (half-frames too!), neck chain and large-print editions of Vogue and Martha Stewart Living.
2. Hot Flash Barbie. Press Barbie's bellybutton and watch her face turn beet red while tiny drops of perspiration appear on her forehead! With hand-held fan and tiny tissues.
3. Facial Hair Barbie. As Barbie's hormone levels shift, see her whiskers grow! Available with teensy tweezers and Available with teensy tweezers and magnifying mirror.
4. Cook's Arms Barbie. Hide Barbie's droopy triceps with these new, roomier-sleeved gowns. Good news on the tummy front, too: muu-muus are back! Cellulite cream and loofah sponge optional.
5. Bunion Barbie. Years of disco dancing in stiletto heels have definitely taken their toll on Barbie's dainty arched feet. Soothe her sores with this pumice stone and plasters, then slip on soft terry mules. Colors: pink, rose, blush.
6. No More Wrinkles Barbie. Erase those pesky crow's-feet and lip lines with a tube of Skin Sparkle-Spackle, from Barbie's own line of exclusive age-blasting cosmetics.
7. Soccer Mom Barbie. All that experience as a cheerleader is really paying off as Barbie dusts off her old high school megaphone to root for Babs and Ken Jr. With minivan in robin's egg blue or white, and cooler filled with doughnut holes and fruit punch.
8. Midlife Crisis Barbie. It's time to ditch Ken. Barbie needs a change, and Bruce (her personal trainer) is just what the doctor ordered, along with Prozac. They're hopping in her new red Miata and heading for the Napa Valley to open a B&B. Comes with real tape of "Breaking Up Is Hard to Do."
9. Single Mother Barbie. There's not much time for primping anymore! Ken's shacked up with the Swedish au pair in the Dream House and Barbie's across town with Babs and Ken Jr. in a fourth-floor walk-up. Barbie's selling off her old gowns and accessories to raise rent money. Complete garage sale kit included.
10. Recovery Barbie. Too many parties have finally caught up with the ultimate party girl. Now she does 12 steps instead of dance steps! Clean and sober, she's going to meetings religiously. Comes with little copy of The Big Book and six-pack of Diet Coke.
Who knows when Barbie will have outlived her usefulness? From Dream House to Nursing Home (both new and improved-wheelchair-accessible and retrofitted to conform to ADA code requirements), the possibilities (not to mention the accessories) are endless!
10. G-d worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden because men hate to ask for directions.
9. G-d knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Men don't want to see what's ON television, they want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. G-d knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. G-d knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment for himself.
6. G-d knew that Adam would never remember which night was garbage night.
5. G-d knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when G-d caught him hiding in the garden.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!"
1. When G-d finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, "I can do better than that."
10) You have to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thing in the middle of them.
9) The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle.
8) The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
7) There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
6) You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
5) It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it until you walk across your living room rug.
4) The tiny red string on the Band-Aid wrapper never works for you.
3) There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
2) You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
1) Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
1. The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.
3. If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.
4. If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.
5. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
6. Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.
7. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
8. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
9. Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.
10. If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.
11. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.
12. If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"
13. Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!
14. Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.
15. Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.
16. Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.
17. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.
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