Hi everyone, thought I should tell you a little about myself so you can understand where I'm coming from.
I was adopted at birth by wonderful people who at age 18 learned that they were the Aunt and Uncle of my birth mother. So my birth mother was my cousin in the family situation I was in. She didn't know I was her daughter since they had told her I was a boy so she wouldn't suspect that her Aunt had adopted her baby.
3 years ago I was diagnosed with CMT/HNPP which is in the family of MD. Well at first it hit me hard because the neurologist I saw told me right out that it was amazing that I was still walking, I was shocked since I had no idea I had such a disease. I went to him because my left leg was getting smaller than my right one, it had atrophied but I had no idea about this. Then began the fight with doctors since I had a lot of pain and only 10 to 20 % of people with this disease actually have pain. I went to another neurologist who didn't believe in the pain but sent me to a pain specialist just to get rid of me I think but that was the best thing she could have done for me. The pain specialist knew of my disease and said that the pain was easily compared to pain in cancer patients in terminal phases and gave me prescriptions of medication that are opiods ( not sure of the spelling on that but she said they were in the family of morphine). She said that if I ever needed more to tell my neurologist because she would write her and tell her to keep on prescribing until I could function as close to a normal life as possible. I never asked for more until last month when I saw her I told her I had no energy at all except when I do take my meds. She want to concentrate on the energy problem and then will look into what she can do for the pain. She gave me more blood pressure pills as I mine is extremely low. I have been taking 2 a day instead of one for a month now and haven't seen any change. I'm going back to see her May 20.
I was seeing my GP every month to control the blood pressure and the depression that was setting in. He tried a lot of different anti depressants, always having me take them for at least 4 months before changing them. They have never helped me, so that is when he sent me to a psychiatrist to try and maybe combine 2 or more anti depressants but he didn't know enough about them to do that himself. Well that's the psychiatrist I saw once and he told me he would have killed himself a long time ago, I never went back to see him.
Then In October 97 my birth mother's mother (my real grandmother) died and since she was my Aunt (in my adopted situation)I went to the funeral with my dad. That is where I had the best day of my life, as soon as my birth mother saw me she burst into tears as she had found out I was her daughter but didn't know I knew she was my mother. She introduced me to my 3 half sisters.(I had never met them because we live far apart). We kept in contact through email and then last July she came over and spent a week with us, she came with her husband (not my father) and 2 nieces and a nephew. It was a wonderful week. When she left we still wrote each other every day and me depression just seemed to disappear during all this time. Well in November 98 out of the blue she wrote me to tell me she couldn't go on writing to me without any other explanations except that it was too hard for her. 2 of my sisters live close to her so they stopped writing me also. They live in Ontario. I have another sister who lives in England and she is only 1 year younger than me and we still write at least twice a week. Well receiving that letter from my mother just threw me off, she said it was too hard on her to have another daughter I never saw it coming. I know that since that letter my depression has come back and worse than ever. I never told anyone how much that letter hurt me, it is making my cry just writing about it. I keep up a strong front but sometimes I just can't hold it in anymore. That's why I want to go into therapy I know I need it. Even my husband doesn't realize how much hurt I was by that letter. With my adoptive parents I have no brothers or sisters and I'm real close to my dad , my mom died of cancer 14 years ago and it was my dad who arranged to tell my birth mother the truth. He wanted me to have someone when he dies. The last 4 months have been downhill for me and I never even told my doctor about any of this until my last appointment. He always asks how things are and I say fine, well this time I told him everything, the suicidal thoughts and even the attempt I made a month ago. He is trying his best to get me to see this psychiatrist to see if I need hospitalization but that scares the hell(sorry) out of me.So that is a bit about myself that I never shared with anyone but I honestly think I owe you all that much for the help you have been giving me.
You are all so wonderful and I never want to make you feel that you aren't.
ED you said that you were «heartless SOB» Ed. Your letters have helped me more than you can ever imagine and NO I don't take it as lecturing. You said «I really don't know how to talk to people anymore! » Ed, well I'm sorry but you do know how to talk to people and you never gave me the impression that you were pissed off at me. You also said «I just have to hope that speaking from the heart is good enough.» Believe me it is. after writing you last night I called my dad, as I said we are close but I never told him how bad things are for me because I didn't want to worry him, he is 72 and in remission from a cancer he had last year. Well he told me to call that secretary this morning and if she doesn't give me an appointment next week at the latest he will pay for a psychologist since I can get an appointment with one on the day I call but they charge $75 a hour. My dad told me that all his money is going to me anyway since I don't have any brothers or sisters( with them) so why not use some of it while I really need it. I cried most of the night just thinking of how kind he is and I will take him up on his offer until I can get to see the psychiatrist.
Thanks to all that have written me in support, Ed, Tina, Sue,Christi, and if I forgot to mention someone I'm sorry but I thank everyone of you.
4-11-99
