MY BROKEN HEART They say you can't grieve forever, but I can, Oh I can. They say it's time to get on with your life, and I do, I put it all away. I cried out - I can’t, Please God, I can't. It seemed impossible. It comes less often, it's true; but no gentler, the never nevers. Never again to see, to hear, to touch. I don't cry out any more, but it still squeezes hard, it squeezes hard. Now my heart whispers; I can't, Please God, I can't. ----- But somehow I do Then a song, a forgotten picture, the way someone moves; your heart stops dead. For a moment he's there again, then you know he's not. And you try to accept, again, never, never. Years have gone by. I've learned to care again. I've even learned to love again. But little moments are tucked in the corners for the love, for the loss that never went away. Broken hearts don't heal; You Just learn to live with them. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Written by Tina Bell Original and Copyright Protected I was injured back on 9/11/93, I was 30 years. old at the time, a mother of 3 sons, 4, 8 & 10. I fell while at work, slipped on the concrete floor and wiped out 3 disks in my lumbar region. Right at that instant, I knew I was pretty messed up, I had shooting pain everywhere. It has been a very long haul since the beginning. Dealing with the Dr.'s and worker's compensation has been one hell after another. For the first 7 months, they tried everything imaginable on me to help relieve the pain and to make life manageable. None of it worked, in fact, most just caused more pain. All I really remember is being propped up in the corner of the sofa, crying for someone to help me with my pain. Finally on April 15 of 94, I had a fusion of 5 levels with all the hardware that goes along with it, and a spinal fusion stimulator. ( I am 5'10" and it was a large area, so the DR said it was necessary for the fusion to have help) It was a long and grueling time, learning how to redo everything from walking and getting dressed and all on my own.

Since then, things just got worse, I had to have my hardware and stimulator removed, I had a screw loose that was pressing on a nerve, and the stimulator was causing more inflammation in my back, it had worked it's way very close to the surface.

I was told that having all of that removed would help me to relieve the pain, and that the chances of it worsening it were very slim. Surprise, they were wrong, of course. The pain got worse week by week and day by day. Both my surgeon and my regular DR. were very reluctant to give pain medication to help cope. Not a single pain pill ever took the pain away, some took the edge off, but barely.They got me a Tens unit, which I am sure most everyone on the list knows, does nothing but make u feel like u are being electrocuted, and takes your mind off of it for a few minutes at best.

Since getting injured, my whole body and life have been majorly altered. I now have hypo-thyroidism, damage to my liver, and my colon. Also, my body has stopped making good cholesterol. It is one problem added to another.

I have been suicidal, with 3 attempts, only one of which is documented.Now I see a therapist and take an antidepressant, one of many I have tried since the beginning, also some other pill that is supposed to help the Celexa do it's job and help with the extreme lows I experience daily.

They have sent me to a Physical therapy group, where they were supposed to teach me how to handle my daily life drug free. that was a joke, I checked myself out of there after 4 days of excruciating pain. None of my meds seemed to ever work, and I felt as if the Drs. and other health care people were trying to pacify me and treat me like a child, just giving me little things to try to give me hope. I had brought up the idea of the morphine patch or pump, I had heard some really positive things about it. But, because of my age, no one would even consider it. Then after my first unsuccessful suicide attempt, my family DR. sent me to a pain clinic, where they started with lumbar facet treatments, they burned my nerve endings. Once again, no luck, and it left me even in more pain then before. I was at the time being given Tylenol 3, which as all of you already know, DOES NOTHING.

One of the pain DR's finally gave me something that knocked the edge off really well, for a while at least. Oxycontin. It started with twice a day. Then my dose was doubled and the pills increased to 3 times a day, plus klonopin to help it. Still too much pain, to concentrate. It was like trying to put a sentence together, and not being able to keep my train of thought, without the pain gnawing away at me.

Finally they offered me the pump. I had that surgery, after 3 successful trials. I had surgery on the 9th of June, I am still recuperating. Having many complications, and I am not sure if this was even the answer, to me it was just another shot in the dark. I am feeling like hell, in addition to still having the gnawing pain in my back and legs, I also have 2 incisions that are quite painful, and swollen. I am having a hard time coming back from such a minor procedure. I was looking forward to this as the answer, to a much awaited prayer. I still don't know if it is, I will find out, only with time.

I was interested in the group, because I do feel alone most of the time. My life has become one pill after another. My family is a mess. I am not sure what the answers are, but I know that this pain is slowing taking my life a little at a time. I used to be very outgoing, and happy all the time. Now I am not even close to me. I no longer no who or what I am, I still try to settle everyday with my sense of humor. I am trying to hang on to that, so I can hang on to my life a little while longer.

Like I said I was looking forward to corresponding to others in the same boat, so to speak, with the hopes, that we could all give each other Hope.I don't really remember allot of the past years since I was injured. I have 3 lost years, where I completely went nuts, incurred all sorts of debt, not even knowing I had credit cards to begin with. Once I found that out, I realized I was thoroughly a messed up individual. I sought out help, only after screwing up suicide, and being forced to get help. lol.

I can only say, from here on in, it is one day at a time. I have learned that my family still loves and needs me. A messed up wife and mother is better than none at all.I tell myself this every day in hopes that I will believe it.

Oh well, That's about it, I am sure I left so much out. I remember things bits and pieces, day by day. I'll go for now.

Keeping the faith, Teresa Rhoad louie2@gate.net


6/27/99