I didn't go to the ER, however, after applying icebags all night, the pain has lessened. I was put on a new blood pressure medicine a few days ago and am being weined off my old one so the pressure is going up higher than usual. I am keeping a careful eye on it.

I was putting a lot of my mail in the trash bin because I just can't keep up with the flow and saw something about "Martha's Horror Story". I assume its yours, so I will go to my trash area and read your story. You are right, there is always someone worse off than we are. I have certainly read stories from others that make me fall to my knees and give thanks that my situation isn't as bad as it could be.

As far as what can be done about the aneurysms, I have seen two of the top neurosurgeons in Chicago and they both wanted to perform surgeries -- two openhead surgeries --. The bad news is that the surgery by itself can leave one paralyzed from the jawline down (completely), or in a vegetative state, in a deep coma, blind, unable to walk, etc., etc. --that is, if I don't die on the operating table which is the greatest possibility.

It was a hard decision to make but because I have four little girls at home ages 7, 10, 11 and 16, I feel that I would be a greater burden, if left in one of the above conditions. My husband lives in fear, but I try to do everything for them that I can to show them how greatly they are loved. I have a very deep faith in God and am trusting him and feel that just like there is a chance they will burst, there is also a chance they will not burst--"chance" is not the word I was searching for because I know that my life is in his hands. My every hope is in Christ Jesus.

Even if I survived the surgeries intact, I was told there is a great possibility that I will be in greater pain than I am in now. Now, if I can't get enough pain medication now with the 10+ pain level I often suffer (4.5 since being on Methadone and Hydrocodone for b/t pain) but 10+ like today when nothing phases the pain, my life would be more of a living hell than it already is if the pain turned out to be greater. It just scares the daylights out of me to think of being completely paralyzed and full of pain. I'd truly rather have a quick death and be with the Lord.

Continue to pray for me and know that my prayers are for this entire list.

Love, Joy



You are doing a lot of women a favor today by removing his name. I will also tell you that the last time I saw him and said, "You are really a beautiful woman. Why don't we run off together". I told him that I am happily married--he knew my husband because each and every appointment, he drove me there--so he said he didn't know if he would be able to write any more narcotic prescriptions for me. I told him that was okay, but he could see that I was upset. He had also had his nurse give me a shot of Stadol 2mg and about 50 mg of phenegran. When I left his inneroffices, he called my husband in and told him he could no longer write narcotic prescriptions for me because he felt that I had become addicted to them.

When my husband and children were leaving the office building and were on the first floor, my husband pulled me aside and was very upset and told me what the doctor had said. I told him that was a lie because I had rebuffed his passes again. We went back upstairs to the doctor's office and confronted him about the addiction charge only and it turned into a loud shouting match. He said look at her she is weaving right now. Mind you, I had just had a shot of Stadol (a rather healthy dose) which was potientiated by the phenegran. My husband said a few more choice words to him and we left.

Another part of this story and where it gets really sticky for the doctor is that about a year before that, under much pressure from the doctor's passes, my church's stand on the use of narcotics, my general practioner mad because I had been given injectable Stadol and him telling my husband he was worried about be getting hooked and his knowledge of Dr. G's affair with the woman with the Haldol, I decided to detox from Stadol. The only reason I agreed to hospitalized detoxification is because Dr. G said it was a dangerous medication and my insurance would only cover the hospitalization in the detox section not the acute section of the hospital. He was a doctor during the entire 10-day detoxification. Later, he started to treat me with Stadol again when other non-narcotics didn't work. I was even hospitalized for pain control so this is well documented in hospital records. When I recently needed my files in May of 1999 to give to Dr. M, they would not give them to me. Skip at Actiononpain worked with me to get records for Dr. M. I ended up using the records he had sent to my Social Security lawyer (which did not include the detox/retreatment with Stadol which had not happened at that time period). I had enough documentation to let Dr. M. know that I was a legitimate intractable pain patient. I am still trying to get my records from his office. They are going to charge me $75 for my two and one-half files to copy them. Each time that I have called to see if they are ready, they have not been and I have had more than one disagreement with his office manager. Ed, right now, sweat is running down my face and my head is pounding terribly. This is so upsetting to talk about that is why I have not shared it with the group yet. When I do, I will not mention specific names, of course.

Love, Joy

Sept 02,1999