I've tried most pain meds too. I had a good pain doc, but he recently lost his license as his assistant had messed up the records and made some outrageous accusations. I was left with a pain doc, who actually advertises he helps headaches, but has absolutely no compassion. In fact he is a heartless, greedy SOB (forgive my language, I only use it when appropriate, I promise). He has physically hit a patient when I was in the waiting room once and I am terrified at every visit that he will cut me off of my daily meds (resulting in withdrawal and of course incredible pain), for no reason other than he has had a bad day. I have seen him do this to other patients who are on high doses of Oramorph, fentanyl, etc. He is even such a greedy jerk, that he makes recommendations to other docs, etc and he gets a kickback for each time you go. he sent me to his biofeedback (been there previously done that) and when I had to miss an appointment he was furious. Same thing happened this month when the family car went bezerk (I live outside Seattle WA, and we don't have buses out this far), and I couldn't get to the physical therapy appt. I had. Even the phys. therapist said I didn't need to see him, but am terrified of crazy doc saying too bad.

As for my horror story, I was somehow able to get through college with a few very real aneurysm scares and two very real tumor scares. I had good grades and planned to go to either grad school for teaching or my law degree. By the end of my senior year, the pain had become very bad and emergency room visits were increasing. I am sure you all knowhow those are. You have to pretend you don't know the name of the medicines that help you, and make sure your sleeves are rolled up so they can see there aren't track marks, (in the summer wear open toed sandals too, so they can see you don't use drugs between your toes). I tried every medication they have for headaches from blood pressure medicines to anti-epilepsy, to cafergot (ergot is a poison, the same stuff that made people in medieval times see "dragons" and the pilgrims see witches), and some pain medicine, they even took me off of all meds for two months to see if it was rebound. It wasn't of course, and I spent two months wailing in pain. I have broken bones, had my appendix out, etc, and this pain is worse.

After college, I unwisely married a man who was immature, lazy, adulterous, a mommy's boy, and had a cruel streak. Luckily I had a good pain doc (the before mentioned guy who lost license). My ex left me the day I got out of the hospital for a series of tests etc after very bad food poisoning and the docs at the hosp. speculated that I may have actually been poisoned. A few days before he had cuffed my across the face cracking my nose, so I stayed at home so no one could see. In 99 I had it fixed, but never told anyone why, I'd rather have them think me vain, than someone who had been beaten. After the face thing came one more beating attempt, but this time I fought back even though I was just out of the hospt. He took off with his girlfriend. So, the ex left with my ex friend, who had been a bridesmaid, only 10 months earlier. He then continued to tell everyone he could find that I am/was, a horrible human being, and a drug addict. I was on daily pain meds, true. however, he told people I was out trying to get heroin, illegal stuff on the street all the time. I have to admit, I don't even know how I'd go about it. The divorce took over a year and $10K even though in this state we have no fault divorce. He completely ruined my name, but it turned to backfire on him. In the space of 10 days I had serious food poisoning, lost my home, car, health, many possessions, most of my friends (they believed him as he'd told them for months how awful and crazy I was. I am not mentally ill and not cruel or mean, though I was probably not easy to live with. However, the vows said sickness and health. I took them seriously) I have lived with my parents for three and a half years now and like some of your other horror stories, I find myself very isolated. The divorce was settled about a year later and was days away from the fourth of July. I was so thankful for that independence. I was scared of having to go to court and having his lawyer assassinate my character, meaning it would be on public record. Though I've never done anything illegal (other than 1 parking violation and speeding a few times in the car), or even immoral, no adultery, no vices. Luckily I haven't heard from him since and though he ended up with almost all of our joint possessions, I got the wedding china and the cat. Mostly, I was away from him and his horrible family and friends. I also know that even if he acted badly, I behaved well during the whole divorce and (until now) haven't said anything about him publicly.

My family is very good to me, but it is not the same as being an independent 20 something I was before and that I'd worked for my whole life. I have battled with depression off and on for a few years, and have been close to suicidal a few times, so much so that my parents put a huge lock and chain on the pellet rifle they have. I then realized I personally couldn't do it in my circumstance. I do not judge others who do so however. Probably like many of the other people in chronic pain, I just can't understand any merciful God or supreme being that would inflict pain on someone all the time. I realize however after reading these other stories, that I am very lucky in that I have had medical insurance, plenty of food, adequate clothing, and affection from my parents and family and the few remaining friends. What is hard for me, as it is for others, is that I have come to realize that four years of my life has gone by and I have almost nothing to show for it except a knowledge of medicines. I realize that if by some miracle I ever get into the real world again, I will be behind, and more than that, I wonder often if I ever will get there. Romantic love and a family of my own are virtual impossibilities, I know now. I used to be an interesting person, had a job, school, hobbies. Now I take distance learning college courses in hopes of picking up a second degree, and if I ever go in public, usually have to be medicated not to throw up or wince in pain. I never thought I'd be such a dull person and that makes me want to become even more isolated, I am embarrassed at what my life has become. though I am dull, I have started to write a book, and keep in touch with my family extended and immediate In past few years in addition to the divorce, illness, moving, loss of money, independence, etc. my family has had funeral after funeral, car wrecks, one nervous breakdown (not me), the beloved family dog died, divorces everywhere. I think that good luck should start to show up for the rest of them if not me pretty soon. What I really want to do is get up at 6 or 7 every morning get ready for work or school or both, go and teach, come home, work out, be with friends or family, maybe garden or bike or join a book club or church group,take care of my cat, maybe get a dog too, meet with friends, have financial independence, have a holiday or family gathering where I don't have to worry about the pain making me sick or going to the emergency dept. I want what most people want, a semi-used car for transportation, and some hope of finding a soulmate, if not that, enough stability to adopt a child someday, and maybe even owning a small home. as I get older though, I realize those hopes are not realistic.

Like other pain patients, especially those who have limited health insurance, etc. I am in constant fear that my pain doctor will turn on me. I know that to many docs pain isn't real. If their pill doesn't work then it is our fault. I actually had one doc tell me I should get pregnant to stop the headaches. First, I am single and poor and sick, and second, how on earth could I find a man if I can't go more than 24 hours without throwing up or crying in pain? I think it is probably a good thing at this point that I don't reproduce don't you? :)