Driving yesterday I saw a big 18-wheeler delivery truck pulled up to the side of the school and flashed back to my nightmare, and I was again inside that hospital. I could not get out. if only I had known it was only a dream, I could have lived with the torture, but it was such a horrible dream.

Let me tell you that I do not remember being hospitalized. I remember being in Childress with Rick and Faye, but I do not remember coming home. I remember being home, though, and having an asthma attack during sex, because I was laughing at one of Stuart's antics. It took awhile, but I did get it under control, and then I felt fine. I was running no fever, I was not coughing, and I had no indications that I was ill in any way. From what Stuart tells me, because I do not remember this, the next night I had another asthma attack and it was so hard to bring under control that I asked to be taken to the ER for a breathing treatment.

Apparantly they X-Rayed my lungs and found them 40% full of pneumonia and admitted me. Within 24 hours I am told I had pneumonia in 60% of each lung and was having such a hard time breathing that I was begging to be intubated (which I cannot now imagine!). I guess at this time they put me in a drug induced coma and intubated me, and moved me to the CCU (Critical Care Unit) of the Hospital (Darnall Army Community Hospital). Also, I am told that they had a very very hard time keeping me sedated, and had to use a drug called Propofol, which has the side effect of causing extreme, violent and realistic nightmares in a very small percentage of people. Guess what?

Where you see a *** , I have somehow suppressed the complete memory, or at this time cannot bear to discuss it and will come back to it.

When it started, I was in a bar. I was in South Texas, though I don't know how I knew that, but I knew. Stuart and I had seperated, and he was home with the kids, I remember "remembering" that, and that we had agreed to a seperation for awhile. It felt very right, and I felt a twinge of guilt over the kids, but overall I felt very good and very free for the first time in a very long time.

In the bar, I was dressed nicely, in tight jeans and fringes, boots. the works. It was a large bar, very busy, very full, with a bar and a large dancefloor, I danced, and I flirted. I was thin, I had no pain, I had no responsibility, and I was beautiful. Then I was outside. There were several of us women; we were standing in a huddle, outside, in a puddle. There were men out there, some very nicely dressed, some obvious 'workers', and they had hoses and were watering down the ground so that it was muddy and sucked at our feet. I didn't understand this, but remember that I could not ask those other women. we were not to speak, and they seemed to accept this as the 'norm ', so I just hung in and went along with it.

Suddenly I was in a horse trailer. I figured there were horses pulling it, or maybe a truck, but somehow the feeling that horses were pulling the trailer was very strong, and that felt right to me. I remember thinking that I would much rather be out riding the horses than being a burden in the trailer. We went over rough ground for awhile, and then I heard water. It appeared that we were crossing a body of water. I heard the water lapping outside the trailer down low and progressively getting higher. I remember seeing other women out of the corner of my eye, but somehow they never came into focus, and I felt alone.I heard the water climbing up the side of the trailer, and felt the trailer swaying. I felt very off-balance and held onto the front of the trailer, trying to look out and see something. I tried looking out the sides, and it was dark and I could see nothing. I remember beginning to panic at this point and realizing that something was very wrong, and hoping that the trailer didn't tip over in the water, or that the horses didn't get too tired. I really, really wanted to get out and ride the horses, since I love to ride, and since I felt like such a burden in all that water that was surely so deep. I remember starting to climb out the side and suddenly there was a man there, pushing me back inside. At the time I assumed that he was on horseback, in the water, but afterwards I realized that there was no water. It was a trick. They were trying to disorient us. We spent some time in the water, and then suddenly we were in a line, being shuffled into a room. I was confused and a bit panicky, wondering what was going on, why the other women accepted this as something 'eventual', something 'inevitable' and did not fight. What was going on, why did I feel that fear in the base of my spine and the back of my throat? It was there, and the terror was close behind it.

***At this point I get confused, and will have to come back and make sense of it, because suddenly I was being raped. Repeatedly, and beaten for fighting the rape. This passed very quickly, and at the end I was very, very badly beaten, with many broken bones and much blood everywhere. So, I was taken by truck to the back door (I don't know how I understood this was a back door, but it makes sense to say that) set into a mountain! It was dark, and I couldn't see the rest of the hospital, so I didn't understand where I was, but I knew that I was in an unfinished room, unpainted. Cement floor, unpainted. Unfinished and unpainted walls. or perhaps they were painted in that horrible hospital green that looks unfinished. There was a great amount of action at that time, and entering the room there was a curtain to my right, and I knew there were other beds behind that curtain, and other curtains, perhaps other women. But they weren't alive. This I knew. I was placed very roughly on a table, an autopsy table right inside the door and right in front of me was a counter, with a sink, and above that counter was a shelf. On that shelf were various test tubes, bunion burners, and all manner of scientific shtuff, and to the right was a door. It was dark outside that door, so I couldn't see what was out there, but I know that women were lining up to drop off little bags or specimen cups of something or other.

Standing in front of the shelf and the sink was a man. He was short, compact, well built and clean-, and naked. Except for socks. He had on white socks that had bunched around his ankles. He was full of mirth and glee this man, very busy with his shtuff on the shelf, and when I was put on the table he seemed thoroughly disgusted that I had been brought to him and not put in the "meat heap" as I should have been.

***At this point he raped me. I know this, but I seem to have blocked the details.

After the rape he seemed gleefully delighted to be done with me, and kept trying to kill me! He would try to inject me with something and I would fight him, begging for my life, crying in my pain and in desperation, and he would laugh. I was naked, and bloody, and wanted very desperately to be clothed and clean and away from him, but he kept trying to kill me. He would try to smother me, and I could not breathe, and I would fight, and fight and fight until he let go, laughing. I was so desperate to live, and I knew if he would let me, just give me the chance, I could live through my injuries and the trauma and make it home to my kids. I was terrified at this point, FULL to overflowing with terror, and yet I had a terrible clarity to my mind, seeing everything just a shade brighter than it was. Seeing every detail of my situation just a touch clearer than I wanted to. As he was nonchalantly trying to kill me, women were coming into the room, and they would drop off their little specimens, and he would inject them with something and thank them callously, as if what he was doing was fucking them with his needle.

They seemed to accept this as a very normal thing, and with bowed heads and knowing smiles continued on. While his attention was diverted I would try to gather my strength, looking around and trying to gain my bearings, looking for escape and not finding it. So I would continue trying to gather my wits and my strength for the next attack, which would come every few minutes in the form of smothering, or a shot, or even a gun at my temple at one point, and I had to beg and plead with him that I wasn't really so badly injured and could really do him some good if he would just give me the chance. I knew in my heart that I had to convince him that I was of value to him in one way or another, or he would continue to try to kill me. Maybe I could make him love me? No chance, but I had to try. I had to make him at least like me, and see my value to him in some way, and I was so desperate to live.

I was very hurt, and then one of the women came in, a very attractive black woman, young and with a look of malice on her face. She had with her a young white woman, who was obviously doing this for the first time and had many questions. They came in, and this man continued to inject them and do odd things with their specimens, and the white woman wanted to know what was behind that curtain, the one to my right. The black woman nodded in my direction, and the other woman looked at me in horror - it was at this point that I realized just how close to death I must be. The young black woman said simply - "Back there are those like her, only five minutes from now".. Meaning that if you gave me five minutes I would be dead, and could be thrown behind the curtain. That there were dead mutilated horribly bloody women behind that curtain. On the one hand I did not believe her, and knew there was nothing back there, and on the other hand I knew she was speaking the truth. Either hand didn't seem to be able to control my fear though, and I did not wish to be thrown in the heap behind the curtain, whether or not there was a heap.

For some reason, they kept coming back, and the black woman kept daring the white woman to look behind the curtain if she wasn't sure, effectively ensuring her belief and our terror. At this point I was tied down, and was feeling very helpless, and while my captor worked at the counter I tried to gain the sympathy of the young women, so that they would help me. At one point the young black woman nodded at me, and made a motion with her head and I knew that she would be back to help me, I just had to survive that long.

My captor was doing odd things at the counter, and somehow I understood that it had something to do with DNA. He was mixing his semen, his blood, and his DNA with the secretions; blood and DNA of those women, and then injecting it back into them. At that time I didn't understand how he was 'cooking' this up so quickly, but then later I understood that it took many weeks for this process to be complete, and so he was injecting them with the last specimen they had brought in, while they were bringing him fresh 'supplies'! Suddenly he began to 'clean up'. He went into another room, across the hall, and changed into scrubs. He looked very polished, spiffy, and professional with his stethoscope and his white shoes. His hair was perfectly combed except for a tiny flip over his forehead. It was charming to look at actually. Somehow through all of this I had been completely tied down, feet and hands, and had a pillow shoved under my head and a sheet thrown over my nakedness. It was a relief to be covered, but the sheer panic at being tied down was enough to send my mind racing. I was wondering now what was going to happen next.

October 28th, 1999

I am not feeling well today and slept most of the day away. It seemed that the more I thought about the nightmares, the more they ran from me, so I will try to pick up where I left off and be as accurate as possible. Again, where you see a *** just note that either I can't talk about this part of it right now or I can't remember it accurately enough to put it down in writing. At this time I must have woken up through all the drugs, and before this as well, because in 'real life', outside the coma, my room was set up so that the bed was closest to the left side,all my IV machines, EKG machines and monitors were on the left side of my bed, and a TV up ahead on the left hand side, and nothing else. To the right was the ventilator, and straight-ahead was a large glass window. To the right of that window was the door. My nurses frequently sat outside that window so that they could see me, but still have a place to sit to write in the charts and keep up with their paperwork. Straight-ahead outside the door, on the other side of the hall was the "Biohazard" room, where all dirty linen, full garbage bags and fullbedpans and urinals were taken. To the left of that was the nurses lounge down a short hall, and to the left of that was the main CCU desk.

I was actually restrained because apparently I kept trying to pull out the vent. So, my hands were tied with cloth to the rails of the bed. Let's get on with it.

So I was covered, my captor was dressed, and the women had stopped coming in.

***Something happened with the truck and whatever was behind the curtains. The back door was closed, and suddenly the shelf over the sink was gone and there was a large window with a curtain. My captor proceeded to open this curtain and I could see that on the other side of the window were people! There were people there! There were nurses and doctors, and there were people in Army uniforms! I felt suddenly that will and urge to survive come alive again in my belly and began twisting my hands in my restraints to try to free them. I would try to gesture with my hands and my expressions to the people I could see on the other side of the window. There was a door right across the hall that now led into a restroom, I think a women's restroom, and across the hall was a short hallway with elevators. To the left of that was an exit. how I know this I don't know, but I felt that there was. Right outside my window, on my side of the hall was a desk, and people could see right in to me. There were a couple people sitting out there - an officer in a blue AF uniform, a female soldier in BDU's, and a nurse in scrubs. My 'nurse' was very busy bustling around looking very innocent. People were talking about me, but in an offhand way, I could tell; though I could not hear.

Apparently I was just a patient to them, and I was in some sort of hospital. I tried to signal that this man had hurt me and that I was restrained and captive, but no one seemed to look at me for long enough to get the message.

The young black woman reappeared, and by gesture let me know that she would help me. She sidled up to my bed, near my wrist, as if she meant to free me, as I kept frantic watch, but my captor suddenly appeared. She flirted with him as he looked suspiciously between us, but I could not speak for some reason. There was no vent in the dream, but for some reason I could not speak. It was terrifying to be restrained in this strange place with strange people and not be able to speak or plead my case anymore!

It was so frustrating and scary not knowing where I was, or why I could not speak, and knowing that I was injured and restrained - the two seemed contradictory to me, and I felt that I needed to be free to move around and get comfortable because I hurt so badly.

Someone inquired about me in passing - a doctor or some other authority figure over my captor, and he was so smooth, so good, and managed to talk his way out of any scrutiny. He was not pleased with me and I did not know what he was going to do with me. As time passed and people continued to pass, and I continued unsuccessfully to get someone's attention, my captor seemed to get increasingly annoyed with me. I didn't understand why.

*** Then I was being wheeled out, out the door, and low and behold, on the other side of that door was a hospital ward! It was a small ward, with perhaps a dozen or less beds, all with women in them, in various stages of recovery. Some were unconcious, on vents; others sitting up watching TV and me curiously. Somehow I knew that these women had been where I was, and were recovering from that. I knew I was in a hospital, but I did not know where. I knew that I was not in Texas anymore though, or rather any part of Texas that I had taken myself to willingly.

Immediately many nurses surrounded me, who hooked me up to IV's, machines, monitors, wires and all manner of medical hooha. I tried to plead with these women to release me, and they all sighed as if to say "Here we go again", as if they had been through this before, and I realized that their job was to make sure I did not die, and nothing more. They were callous, referring to us as though we could not hear them, speaking of us as if we weren't there. It was frightening to be in this place, and I remember continuing to twist my hands to free them from the restraints. I knew that the restraints were loose and it was just a matter of twisting my wrist just right, and I would be free!

There were some (three or 4) principal players, female nurses, who were consistently in this dream. One was a bitter-faced black woman with a horrendous attitude. Another was a beautiful black woman, very neat and very gentle and kind. Another was a young white woman, with bad skin, but tall and thin, gentle, but completely brainwashed by my captor. According to her, what he was doing was completely normal, and anyone who thought different was looney! I want to say there was another, but I don't remember clearly.

***All of these women were young, clean and professional. They were all dressed in scrubs, and seemed to divvy up my care between them. I knew that when old bitter face came along that she was going to 'skim' on my care, and talk about me as if I weren't there, and look down her nose at me, and so I waited eagerly for the one young woman, the pretty young black woman, and I began to try to gain her favor and try to get her to help me escape. I knew that too much time was going by, and that soon anyone who had been looking for me would stop, and I was desperate to get a hold of Stuart and let him know where I was.

I knew I had to orient myself, so I began to watch TV, and somehow got the idea that I was in Seattle, WA, in a very new and hip, new-fangled hospital. This hospital had rotating floors, to maximize space, and at its peak could hold four or five times it's visable capacity, due to the rotating floors and sections.

*** I began to move my bed, slowly, towards the door, using my hand on the wall. They caught me and moved me back. I tried pleading with other patients who appeared to be mobile, and they moved me away. Finally I was wheeled out to X-ray, and I thought surely my chance had come, for my nurse wheeled me down, and then left me. At this time I started moving the bed towards the opposite direction from which I had come (I do not know how I was moving the bed), to try to find someone I could get to help me.

Kay Jones - KayTCC, Mommy, Doula, Minister, EMT http://home.talkcity.com/CarpoolLn/kaytcc/list.html

Nov 06,1999