Setting: Highwind, Bridge Cid is yelling at the pilot as Yuffie walks in, followed by Ivy. Cid: (To Pilot it training). Hey, what the hell are you trying to do? Break the Highwind?! Get it straight man!! I said turn right, not left!! Pilot: Y-yes sir. Yuffie: (To Cid). Hey, you bow-legged old grump. Cid: Who the hell do you think you’re talking to?! Yuffie: You! (Pauses). I want you to meet my new friend. Cid: Oh gawd, you brought one of your Materia stealing friends on the Highwind?! Are you crazy?! Yuffie: She doesn’t hunt Materia. (Pauses). Ivy, say hi to Cid. Ivy: (Wearing a lab coat / walks up to him / way too happy looking). Hello, nice to meet you!! I’m Ivy. Cid: (To Yuffie). The hell’s with the damn lab coat?! She looks like Hojo!! Ivy: (Hearing that, she’s really happy). Hojo’s my hero!! Cid: Aahhh!! You’re fuckin’ nuts!! Yuffie: (Mumbles). Oh, yeah. Did I forget to mention. . . She’s Hojo’s new assistant. (Whispers). You know what happened to the last one. . . Cid: Yeah. . . It’s a real shame. . . She never did seem the same after that experiment. . . Where is she now? In a test tube? Ivy: Stop talking about Hojo like that! He’s my hero!! Cid: Aaarrrggghhh!!! Get off my damn airship, you loon!! (Pauses). Yuffie , why aren’t you puking your brains out? Yuffie: Ivy gave me these really cool pills!! I feel much better now. . . My eyes only glowed purple for a couple of minutes. Cid: You took something that Hojo’s assistant cooked up?! You are as stupid as I thought you were!! Now, get the hell outta here!! Yuffie and Ivy leave quickly. On their way out, they see Cloud. Yuffie: (Blushing). Hey, Cloud!! Cloud: Oh, hi. (Pauses / looks at Ivy). What with the lab coat?! Ivy: Hojo’s my hero!! Cloud walks onto the bridge. Cloud: That girl Ivy must be a loon. Cid: You’re telling me!! Anyone that worships Hojo must be a loon. They both laugh. Ivy and Yuffie leave the “Highwind and enter Seventh Heaven Bar. Yuffie: A soda please? Ivy: And I would like a Hojo Special. Tifa: That weak $hit?! It’s just watered down cola!! Ivy: Exactly!! Anything Hojo likes must be perfect!! Tifa: Oh yeah? What’s up with the lab coat? Ivy: Hojo is my hero!! Tifa: [Oh gawd!!] That’s great... Cait: Hojo’s your hero?! Ivy: Yes. He’s perfect in every way!! Cait: Are you gonna let him experiment on you? Yuffie: She’s Hojo’s new assistant. Cait: Oh, he’s already done experiments on her!! Ivy: Now, now. Stop it. Stop talking like that. Hojo’s the greatest!! Cait: Alright, the drinks are here. Yuffie: We’re on our way to Hojo’s Lab. Cait: He’s weird!! [I should know!! I used to work with the dude!!] Ivy: No!! He’s perfect. He’s wonderful. He’s my hero!! Cait: (To Yuffie as Ivy walks out). I didn’t think it could be done. Yuffie: What? Cait: She’s weirder than Hojo himself!! Ivy and Yuffie leave as Reno walks out of the bathroom. Reno sits next to Cait Sith and smiles as he sees Ivy. Reno: (To Cait). Who’s that chick with Yuffie? Cait: (Unimpressed). Ivy. . . Reno: She’s kinda cute! Cait: Too bad she’s clinically insane. Reno: Huh?! Cait: Anyone that worships Hojo must be insane! Reno: Oh. . . [Yuck!!] Setting: Hojo’s Lab, Later that day Yuffie: (To Hojo). Just as promised. She’s here safe and sound. Hojo: Good. She came complete with labcoat. Ivy: (To Hojo / really happy). You’re my hero!! Hojo: Oh, gawd. . . Yuffie: I held up my end of the deal. Now, where’s Aeris. . . Hojo: Right over there. (Pauses). Don’t worry, I only brought her back to life. As we agreed. . . Yuffie: I don’t see her. . . Ivy: She’s probably on her way. Hojo’s a genius. . . Hojo: This could get old fast. . . Ivy: I love you, Hojo!! Aeris: (Walks up from behind Hojo / she’s creeped out). Can we go now? Yuffie: Yeah. C’ya later, Ivy. Aeris: (Turns to Yuffie). Is ther a female Hojo. . . Or did Hojo do some strange experiment on me? Yuffie: This is Ivy. Aeris: What’s up with the labcoat? Ivy: Hojo’s my hero!! Hojo: Oh, no!! She’s serious!! Ivy: Of course I’m serious!! You’re perfect in every way!! You’re intellegent, charming, cute, loving. . . You’re my hero!! Yuffie: Uhm. . . Err. . . We’ll be leaving now. . . Yuffie and Aeris leave, leaving only Hojo and Ivy. Hojo: Clean the test-tubes. Ivy: Every wish of the great Hojo is my command!! Hojo: (Getting angry). Clean the test-tubes!! Setting: Hojo’s lab, two days later Hojo, Ivy and Sephiroth are sitting around talking instead of working. Sephiroth: (To Hojo). People are supposed to worship me. Not you!! Hojo: (Ignoring Ivy’s presence). It’s not all that great, son. Trust me. She’s constantly following me around. Sephiroth: [I hate it when he calls me that!! It’s so embarrasing!!] She’s sitting right there, you know. Hojo: So? (Pauses). Ivy, go clean the crawl-space. Ivy leaves happily. Sephiroth: Does she always wear a labcoat? Hojo: (Ignoring that / thinks out loud). She’s cleaned every bit of this place. What can I have her do next? Sephiroth: Why don’t you have her work with you? That’s what assistants are for. Hojo: (Questions). Let her be near me? Are you crazy!! (Pauses). She’s so annoying!! She’s always worshiping me!! Sephiroth: Use her for some experiments. . . Make her less annoying. Hojo used Ivy for some lab experiments. Ivy died. The End!!